My bf has herpes type 2

[somegirl]

So it's been said that HSV-2 (genital herpes) occurs once in a while, and that it's a rare thing.

Though, I need your help because we worry it's happened a little too often the past couple of months (like every month or so) despite him taking recommended vitamins (vitamin B) and eating fruit (oranges mostly). 

And it's like the moment he forgets to take one of those things, it comes back. 

We also worry because it's barely visible when it appears. The first time it has occured, there was at least a symptom beforehand (itching) that he could feel and know that it's coming, but now he tells me he doesn't even feel that it's coming.

So anyone with the same experience or any recommendations on what we can do to solve this problem to at least make it appear less frequently, would be helpful. Thanks beforehand.

[Leo Gura]

How long have you two been sleeping together?

[somegirl]

@Leo Gura For one year exactly, but always using protection. And avoiding sleeping together when an outbreak occurs. 

[somegirl]

@Preety_India Herpes type 1 or 2 are quite common. And it's a lifelong virus. Let's not stigmatize it. And besides that, I didn't ask whether someone would date such person, but how to deal with such lifelong condition in best possible way. 

Edited March 11, 2021 by somegirl

[somegirl]

@Michael569 Thanks a lot, this is so helpful! I feel like doctors prescribe some generic multivitamin and call it a day, with this stuff. They gave him also a drug called Acyclovir and told him to put it on whenever virus is activated. 
But this is really informative and helpful.
Though I have found that some people take daily antiviral medication which I forgot how it's called but it's supposed to surpress the virus and make it less contagious. He wasn't prescribed such medication, so am I at risk (even when using protection)?
 

Edited March 11, 2021 by somegirl

[robinmk4l]

5 hours ago, Michael569 said:

ofcourse they did.......... 

Get him to work on his immune system, find a specialist if you have to. Don't rely on acyclovir forever, it is highly nephrotoxic and neurotoxic. 

 

I suppose this would also apply to valaciclovir and other antiviral medication? I take oral valaciclovir for regular herpes outbreaks. Do you have some source for antiviral medication being neurotoxic?

[Leo Gura]

@somegirl There is a deeper issue here. Why are you sleeping with him? Sorry, you don't want to hear it, but that is not a wise move. You are obviously going to catch it at some point. And then you will suffer with that thing for the rest of your life. Is that really worth it for this one guy?

Be careful not to let romance cloud your judgment. Your health is more important than one guy. This is the problem with falling in love with people -- it makes you blind to brutal truths.

I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but it would be irresponsible of me not to say it.

[somegirl]

12 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@somegirl There is a deeper issue here. Why are you sleeping with him? Sorry, you don't want to hear it, but that is not a wise move. You are obviously going to catch it at some point. And then you will suffer with that thing for the rest of your life. Is that really worth it for this one guy?

Be careful not to let romance cloud your judgment. Your health is more important than one guy. This is the problem with falling in love with people -- it makes you blind to brutal truths.

I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but it would be irresponsible of me not to say it.

Well, okay... Thanks for your view. I need to ask though, by that kind of thinking, he is obviously done with dating for the rest of his life then? Since he got it, it's a lifelong condition that will keep reaccuring whenever his immunosystem is compromised. Is that really the humane way we should go about with these people? Just ditch them?

Edited March 12, 2021 by somegirl

[Preety_India]

You're dating someone, not doing social service.. 

It's not about humanity. Of course you can fall in love with whoever you want at the end of the day. 

But date wisely even then. 

You should not have to compromise with your personal safety in order to show humane-ness to another human being.

You can show your love to another human as long as it doesn't hurt your survival or safety and this is humanity too.

There is a difference between a wise empath and a foolish empath.. 

Leo is not telling you to not show empathy or humanity. He is directing you to wisdom and wise compassion. And responsibility. 

The highest form of love and  empathy lies in responsibility..

I learned this lesson the harder way in my life. 

I thought just like you a few years ago, and life served me a reality check and I had to get up and pull myself up by the bootstraps and start all over again. 

I do not say this to chastise people with STDs but to let you know that someone's disease is not your responsibility and you should not fall in love out of being sympathetic to them,it tends to backfire. 

This message is not meant to judge you or your bf but in good will and as a way to make you understand your safety better. It was meant for your best interests. 

Sometimes an empath has to say harsh truths to a person that they don't want to hear, but it's the responsibility of the empath to see and show the highest good for a person. That's what Leo did here. 

 

[somegirl]

43 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

You should not have to compromise with your personal safety in order to show humane-ness to another human being.

You can show your love to another human as long as it doesn't hurt your survival or safety and this is humanity too.

There is a difference between a wise empath and a foolish empath.. 

I feel deep down what's being said here. I can see that it's foolish to endanger your own health for life (and this is NOT a life threatening condition but it's a lifelong one still) just because you like someone... I can see that... This is hard...
 

46 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Leo is not telling you to not show empathy or humanity. He is directing you to wisdom and wise compassion. And responsibility. 

The highest form of love and  empathy lies in responsibility..

I cannot see how I can show empathy and humanity and still leave someone because they have an incurable contition that happens to be contagious (but chances are lowered when you take precausion). I only leave them stranded. I'm not being ignorant here, I just really cannot see that. What am I teaching him that way? That people will leave him when he tells them he has genital herpes. I only win here. He will be devestated. But so will I if I get it ever. THIS is why it's hard. On one hand you absolutely don't want to make compromise when it comes to your health, but on the other, imagine you being in that position and someone leaving you because of it. PLUS you know you cannot ever cure it so you are forever doomed. 
 

58 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I do not say this to chastise people with STDs but to let you know that someone's disease is not your responsibility and you should not fall in love out of being sympathetic to them,it tends to backfire. 

Yeah... Someone's disease is not my responsibility, have to repeat it to myself. I absolutely don't want it to backfire on me. 

 

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Yeah... Someone's disease is not my responsibility, have to repeat it to myself. I absolutely don't want it to backfire on me. 

I would want you to be completely authentic with yourself.

One way to be authentic with yourself is to ask yourself the question - 

Am I ready to accept the fact that I might contract this disease and will I be okay having it? 

Answer this question honestly. 

If the answer is yes, then you are mentally ready for this relationship, although it's a highly risky move nevertheless. 

If the answer is no, then you are not mentally  ready for this relationship and it's best if you start calculating your risks. 

Now you have only 2 options to answer this question ( because there is no "in between" answer to such a question) and the options are " yes" or "no." 

You can choose to avoid this question but you also lose the option to be authentic with yourself, because the whole relationship revolves around this question. 

So if you really want to be authentic with yourself, this question stands in front of you and you'll need to be ready to answer it the way you want. 

Choice is yours. 

[Bando]

Never forget that life isn't fair, sometimes to "survive" you have to make difficult decisions that will most times negatively affect other people, but its your life if you want to stay with him stay with him but understand what position your putting yourself into.

[UDT]

17 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@somegirl There is a deeper issue here. Why are you sleeping with him? Sorry, you don't want to hear it, but that is not a wise move. You are obviously going to catch it at some point. And then you will suffer with that thing for the rest of your life. Is that really worth it for this one guy?

Be careful not to let romance cloud your judgment. Your health is more important than one guy. This is the problem with falling in love with people -- it makes you blind to brutal truths.

I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but it would be irresponsible of me not to say it.

lol yea but its love - makes you blind. Its not rational

[Keyhole]

Idk... I would leave tbh.  What if you get it and it ends up not working out, and then your own love life is ruined?
And there is no cure for it, either?  Just my 2c.

Edited March 12, 2021 by Keyhole

[somegirl]

Guys, how would you feel if someone left you because of it? Honest answers please 

[Preety_India]

@somegirl if someone left me for that, I would simply accept it. It's just honest reality. 

[Keyhole]

I don't know how I would feel.  I would probably not date someone who was clean because I would feel bad if they caught it and now has that as the constant reminder of me.  Like getting a tattoo of someone's name on you or something. 
But if I was in that position, I think it would hurt a lot.  I'd be really sad, and then I would move on.   
I guess my answer would depend on seeing how you are as a couple, is it a pretty good relationship in every other aspect?

Edited March 12, 2021 by Keyhole

[Forestluv]

2 hours ago, somegirl said:

Guys, how would you feel if someone left you because of it? Honest answers please 

It's context dependent. 

If I was on a first date with someone and she left after I told her I had HSV-2, I would feel disappointed, rejected and perhaps frustrated about how hard it is to date. Yet there is no relationship loss since it is a first date and I would not feel animosity toward her. I would understand her position and wish her the best. It's not her responsibility to give me a sexual relationship and take care of my feelings. Even if my feeling were hurt, I would much rather her tell me early on, rather than string me along for months or years. 

If I was married to someone for 20 years and had three kids and a home together, it's a totally different context.  If I noticed a blister, got tested and was shocked to find out I had been asymptomatically carrying HSV-2 and then  the woman I love and created a life with left me over it, I would be devastated. 

To me, the question is how deeply entangled you two are and your level of commitment. 

As well, I would also consider how I first found out. If I had been sleeping with someone and then they told me they had HSV-2, that would be a major character flaw in my book. That would be a deal-breaker - and not just for the STD. Withholding that information reflects a deep character flaw that will reappear over and over again in a long-term relationship. It would be worse than someone not telling me they were married with children.. . . And if they told me they had HSV-2 before our first sexual contact, that would also be a deal-breaker. .  . If I said "OK, let's use a condom and only have sex when you are asymptomatic", I would need to be 100% clear that I am only interested in short-term dating. Yet this still opens the possibility of becoming entangled, which makes it much harder to dis-entangle. . .  If they told me they were HSV-2+ before our first sexual contact and I gave them the impression that I can live with it and I'm open to a long-term relationship, then I am opening a deeper level of commitment and I now carry more responsibility. 

Problems occur when people are not clear within themself and with their partner. 

I'm not saying to leave or stay. Yet I would give serious contemplation to whether I want to be in a long-term committed relationship with the person and an honest look at how likely that is to happen. For me, the over/under for someone with HSV-2 would be 10 years. If my honest answer is that I don't know or it's unlikely, then I would not engage in a short-term relationship. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. 

The reason I can be clear about this is because I am not entangled in the relationship. If I was immersed in the relationship, it would alter my perception. I've gotten emotionally involved with women to the point it became unhealthy. Yet I wasn't able to see this until I was able to disengage and see it from a detached view. That is why it's super valuable to have good friends that can tell us things that is hard to look at. 

[somegirl]

@Forestluv Well, the way it happened for us is the following... 
He didn't know he had it (even though he had blisters before meeting me but discard it since it passed quickly, he said) and he never told me he had those blisters ever, and then we were sleeping together using protection and then since I was feeling uncomfortable with sex (I was unable to enjoy sex, I had mental blockages and worries that something is not right ) I asked him has he ever tested himself and he told me no, and then I asked him to take a test and that's when breakout happened and doctors confirmed it was HSV-2.
Then I got worried (even though we were using protection) and tested myself and I was negative thankfully. Doctors told us that everything is fine and we should keep using protection and avoid having intercourse when breakout appears. They told us transmission is not possible when there is no breakouts.
But people on the internet have a different view on it which made me worry... They say that it's the matter of time when you get it, which is a different from what our doctors have said. If it's the matter of time I'm not sure am I willing to take a risk. Even though I just feel terrible for him. I do.

[somegirl]

He is otherwise very caring towards me, and he felt bad that this all happened. That he put me through worry. I was feeling terrible but so was he. Then doctors kinda reassured us that we should be fine as long as we use preservative but I still have worries.