LostStudent

How important is a healthy relationship?

29 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

In the past I didn't have much interest in dating because I was always busy with school and my hobbies (at least that's what I told myself), but I've been really depressed these past few months and it's lead to me changing my mind gradually. I've dated before and it's always been casual but lately I've been craving some kind of deeper emotional and physical support. A healthy relationship to me is one where we can both share all our thoughts and feelings with each other and satisfy each others emotional and physical needs. I've never had a relationship with anyone where I was 100% truthful and talked about all my thoughts and feelings, this includes all my friends and family. The issue is I don't think I'm in a good place mentally right now so I'm wondering if this idea is coming from a good place. I've read about the law of attraction and I'm worried I'll attract the wrong kind of guys because I think my mind if clouded by negative thoughts. I realize that I could be proposing this idea to myself because I want an easy fix to all my issues, but at the same time I've been lonely these past few months and I feel like a healthy relationship can do me some good. I'm kind of torn between the two right now and I would appreciate some different perspectives. Thanks.

Edited by LostStudent

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Posted (edited)

I can see you're not giving off a "relative" good vibe.

you can't put something in the grinder and expect something else from the other side. the same rule applies here: you can't have a healthy relationship and carry out negative energy. let's say even if you got that relationship, you'd change that healthy person with your negative energy and ruin the relationship with your hands.

Edited by hamedsf

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The main lesson to learn is this: people use relationships to cover up underlying feelings of depression or unfulfillment. A relationship brings an initial euphoria of salvation, before the underlying pain starts to bubble up again. It then appears that your partner is to blame for making you unhappy and fighting ensues, then either the demise of the relationship (so the cycle can repeat again with another partner) or leading to some sort of love-hate pattern of dysfunction.

If you do not want to suffer, tackling depression with a relationship will unfortunately only cause you more pain. Consider being 100% truthful with any high quality family/friends already in your life, or seek like-minded communities where you can experience this openness. When you don't need a relationship, the relationship that comes will be far higher quality. (Think 'secure attachment' in attachment theory.)

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@LostStudent Emotional connection is a natural human desire, usually stronger in women than in men. But you want to make sure you're not being co-dependent with the way you go about fulfilling that desire. It doesn't seem to me that you are co-dependent, but maybe you're starting to become one? It's good that you're able to identify your thoughts and feelings as such. It's always good to catch up early on. Look up co-dependent relationships for more understanding. And check out Teal Swan.

I'm not sure what you mean by physical support, though. Like how exactly? Do you feel physically tired and in need for rest all the time? How's your lifestyle, diet, sleeping pattern, rest, etc...? How would you rate your feeling of discomfort regarding your lifestyle in general?

Being 100% authentic, both with ourselves and with others, is one of the highest goals we aspire to achieve with spiritual work. It is the key to everlasting happiness and peace of mind. Check out this link, I think it'll resonate with you:

And the video here:

If you don't feel like you're capable of making good decisions right now, I think it's better to take some time off to rest and rethink some stuff. You don't want to attract abusive guys who can spot your weaknesses and exploit them without you even knowing. 

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@Gesundheit

9 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

I'm not sure what you mean by physical support, though. Like how exactly? Do you feel physically tired and in need for rest all the time? How's your lifestyle, diet, sleeping pattern, rest, etc...? How would you rate your feeling of discomfort regarding your lifestyle in general?

Sorry, maybe I worded that poorly. The physical support that I crave would be hugs, cuddling, holding hands, and sex. I get plenty of sleep and exercise every day and I eat pretty healthy. I feel a significant amount of discomfort regarding my lifestyle directed towards my career choice and lack of human interaction though.

 

9 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

If you don't feel like you're capable of making good decisions right now, I think it's better to take some time off to rest and rethink some stuff. You don't want to attract abusive guys who can spot your weaknesses and exploit them without you even knowing. 

You're probably right. I'm so desperate for physical affection and it's probably a trainwreck waiting to happen. I'll check out your links. Thanks.

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@LostStudent as long as you start and end with awareness, it doesn’t matter where you are in life in a relationship what matters is how you both come together in the middle. As long as you know your genuine weaknesses not those your mind tries to fabricate, you’ll be able to prioritise towards your strengths and so will he/she. Use awareness as one of the things that you screen for in a potential relationship of some kind. Get creative and aware of what you’re up against, look for someone able to support you there and you them and you’ll be on your way. Don’t fall for cultural norms around “the perfect relationship dynamics that must exist before a relationship commenced”, most people are bullshitters, it’s awareness the whole way through first and foremost everything else is ancillary. You’ll never be perfect and neither they, but are you both aware enough to see into them and they you to the point where you both either recognise compatibility or incompatibility relative to one another’s trajectories then either come together well or move on with ease, that’s the question.

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7 hours ago, LostStudent said:

@Gesundheit

Sorry, maybe I worded that poorly. The physical support that I crave would be hugs, cuddling, holding hands, and sex.

Could be just a hormonal thing. Does these feelings have a cyclical pattern?

7 hours ago, LostStudent said:

@Gesundheit

I get plenty of sleep and exercise every day and I eat pretty healthy.

Great!

7 hours ago, LostStudent said:

@Gesundheit

I feel a significant amount of discomfort regarding my lifestyle directed towards my career choice and lack of human interaction though.

I think this is important and requires more elaboration. There seems to be something there that may be telling you something. I would examine the feelings more closely and carefully.

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@Gesundheit

1 hour ago, Gesundheit said:

Could be just a hormonal thing. Does these feelings have a cyclical pattern?

I was thinking about that but there isn't a clear pattern that I've noticed. I think it could also be a combination of me having more free time now that I've graduated and the loneliness from the lack of human interaction due to covid restrictions. I was thinking about getting tinder today for casual intimacy but I decided against it after some thought, I've never felt these feelings so strongly so it could be hormonal. 

1 hour ago, Gesundheit said:

I think this is important and requires more elaboration. There seems to be something there that may be telling you something. I would examine the feelings more closely and carefully.

I agree but I'm just not too sure where to start I guess.

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2 hours ago, LostStudent said:

@Gesundheit

I was thinking about that but there isn't a clear pattern that I've noticed. I think it could also be a combination of me having more free time now that I've graduated and the loneliness from the lack of human interaction due to covid restrictions. I was thinking about getting tinder today for casual intimacy but I decided against it after some thought, I've never felt these feelings so strongly so it could be hormonal.

Hmmm, that got me thinking, maybe these feelings aren't actually as strong as they're being portrayed to you by yourself. Maybe they're just normal but you're not used to experiencing them to the same degree as you were busy and focused on other things? Maybe now that you have the time that these feelings are manifesting fully instead of being ignored or repressed? And then you have the feeling of loneliness which exaggerates the need for intimacy to the point where it makes you feel that you should do something about it, because it is tied to your identity as a girl. Girls tend to be more social and extroverted because that means better survival for them, since they attract men mainly with looks.

2 hours ago, LostStudent said:

@Gesundheit

I agree but I'm just not too sure where to start I guess.

Some things to play around with:

  • Try to locate the feelings of discomfort in the body.
  • Try to assess their intensity, as objectively as possible.
  • Try feeling them fully and without resistance.
  • Work on understanding the relationship between those feelings and the thoughts that accompany them, through meditation (check your journal in case you haven't already, I talked a little bit more about this there).
  • Breathe into the feelings of discomfort. Try full inhalation from the belly and full exhalation from the mouth.
  • Do some yoga. YouTube has a lot of videos.
  • Obviously, try to solve the lack of human interaction issue. I agree that tinder is not a good solution for that, but I'm not sure what else you can do.

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If you believe you need any thing, or any one, the experience of everything is reduced to a means of easing the discord of that belief.  

This belief in need can not be found in perception, nor in feeling. It is only found in self referential thinking, in the veil of ‘what I tell myself’. 

You are yourself. A thought is just a thought. Take your rightful stand as such, feel the eternally replenishing affirmation of your being. You are already whole, complete, and as pure as could ever be...free to experience and enjoy everything. 

 

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3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

If you believe you need any thing, or any one, the experience of everything is reduced to a means of easing the discord of that belief.  

That was neat AF 


A thought can´t ever tell you how you feel.

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1 hour ago, Nahm said:

If you believe you need any thing, or any one, the experience of everything is reduced to a means of easing the discord of that belief.

Wait, not so fast. Can you tell that in other words?

 

Pointer to want rather than need?


"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

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@Nahm  I want you to.

 

Wait what? 😂

Edited by Loving Radiance

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

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@Nahm Sending lots of love to you ❤ At least 3 ounces or so, don't know yet. ;)


"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

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@Gesundheit

22 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

Hmmm, that got me thinking, maybe these feelings aren't actually as strong as they're being portrayed to you by yourself. Maybe they're just normal but you're not used to experiencing them to the same degree as you were busy and focused on other things? Maybe now that you have the time that these feelings are manifesting fully instead of being ignored or repressed? And then you have the feeling of loneliness which exaggerates the need for intimacy to the point where it makes you feel that you should do something about it, because it is tied to your identity as a girl. Girls tend to be more social and extroverted because that means better survival for them, since they attract men mainly with looks.

I think there's definitely some truth here. School occupied a large portion of my focus during the last few years and now that I'm done I feel like I lost a part of my purpose, it's possible I've always had these issues but I just swept it under my busy schedule. Most of my friends are in committed relationships and I feel jealous because I'm so lonely. When I experience something like the death of someone close to me I get sad and cry, when I cry it usually makes me feel better for a few days until I get sad and cry again. I'll usually repeat the process until I don't get sad enough to cry anymore. When I do this because I'm lonely I feel worse after crying and I also get this sense of helplessness, like I don't know how to feel better. I feel like I have to make some radical changes to my life, I spent 4 hours in bed today just crying and being sad, I really don't like where my life is headed right now.

23 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

Some things to play around with:

  • Try to locate the feelings of discomfort in the body.
  • Try to assess their intensity, as objectively as possible.
  • Try feeling them fully and without resistance.
  • Work on understanding the relationship between those feelings and the thoughts that accompany them, through meditation (check your journal in case you haven't already, I talked a little bit more about this there).
  • Breathe into the feelings of discomfort. Try full inhalation from the belly and full exhalation from the mouth.
  • Do some yoga. YouTube has a lot of videos.
  • Obviously, try to solve the lack of human interaction issue. I agree that tinder is not a good solution for that, but I'm not sure what else you can do.

I'll try these things, thanks.

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