LostStudent

How important is a healthy relationship?

29 posts in this topic

@LostStudent It's alright. I have experienced a lot worse and survived, and now I'm happier than ever. I have been severely depressed in the past, but what you're describing here does not sound like depression to me, at least not a clinical case of depression. Rather, it sounds like an unconscious repression of your authentic self. In my experience, that can happen due to various reasons, including:

  • Losing sight of your intuitive compass after years of conscious supression, or at least somewhat conscious.
  • Being overly focused on results instead of being focused on finding the right balance between happiness & success, or feeling & thinking. So now success, discipline, thinking, goals, planning, achievements, etc... are your modus operandi in life. And you don't know much beyond that because other things, such as happiness, connection, intuition, feeling, being, playing, etc... have probably become alien to you at this point.

You can confirm that is the case if your life feels too mechanical, or something like being stuck in a hamster wheel. Nothing to worry about, though. Set aside some time everyday to rediscover those things, and let your feelings be the guide there. Less thinking, more feeling. You need to balance the thinking. That's what the sadness is telling you. It's telling you to pay more attention to your feelings.

3 hours ago, LostStudent said:

@Gesundheit

Most of my friends are in committed relationships and I feel jealous because I'm so lonely.

I don't know how the covid situation is being handled over there, but what else is preventing you from having a relationship?

3 hours ago, LostStudent said:

@Gesundheit

When I experience something like the death of someone close to me I get sad and cry, when I cry it usually makes me feel better for a few days until I get sad and cry again. I'll usually repeat the process until I don't get sad enough to cry anymore. When I do this because I'm lonely I feel worse after crying and I also get this sense of helplessness, like I don't know how to feel better. I feel like I have to make some radical changes to my life, I spent 4 hours in bed today just crying and being sad, I really don't like where my life is headed right now.

I, too, have struggled with the sense of directionlessness, and I still do to some degree. At first, I felt extremely uncomfortable not-knowing where my life is heading, similar to you. But then, I learned that that's not a necessary thing. I don't need to know all the steps, as long as I am walking them one step at a time. If it gets too much, I go out and take a walk in nature and listen to some music.

Edited by Gesundheit

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@Gesundheit

10 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

@LostStudentYou can confirm that is the case if your life feels too mechanical, or something like being stuck in a hamster wheel. Nothing to worry about, though. Set aside some time everyday to rediscover those things, and let your feelings be the guide there. Less thinking, more feeling. You need to balance the thinking. That's what the sadness is telling you. It's telling you to pay more attention to your feelings. 

Can I trust my feelings as a guide in my current state though? Something happened when I was a kid that made me constantly crave attention and approval from my parents because I distinctly remember a time when I wasn't like that. Now that I've moved out and grown older I don't get the same amount of attention and approval from my parents, maybe that's why I want to seek attention and approval through a relationship?

10 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

I don't know how the covid situation is being handled over there, but what else is preventing you from having a relationship?

The main thing preventing me from seeking a relationship is myself. My feelings tell me that I want to be physically intimate with someone who wants me but since I've been in a depressed state I don't trust myself as much because I don't know if these feelings are coming from a good place. I also think in my current state it would be really easy for me to be manipulated so I'm hesitant for those reasons. Sometimes it feels like I'm just trying to convince myself that a healthy relationship will solve all my problems but other times I feel like having someone in my life who cares about me is all I need. I guess I'm just a bit conflicted. 

 

10 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

@LostStudent if it gets too much, I go outside to take a walk and listen to some music.

I've been doing this more lately. It helps a bit. 

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4 hours ago, LostStudent said:

The main thing preventing me from seeking a relationship is myself. My feelings tell me that I want to be physically intimate with someone who wants me but since I've been in a depressed state I don't trust myself as much because I don't know if these feelings are coming from a good place. I also think in my current state it would be really easy for me to be manipulated so I'm hesitant for those reasons. Sometimes it feels like I'm just trying to convince myself that a healthy relationship will solve all my problems but other times I feel like having someone in my life who cares about me is all I need. I guess I'm just a bit conflicted.

If you see a cliff, jump off... But only high quality cliffs that won't harm you.

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@AtheisticNonduality

58 minutes ago, AtheisticNonduality said:

If you see a cliff, jump off... But only high quality cliffs that won't harm you.

Sorry I don't think I understand your euphemism, could you please elaborate? I won't get offended, just be straightforward. Are you saying that in my current state a relationship is me jumping off a cliff and I shouldn't find a high quality one because I'll get hurt either way?

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8 hours ago, LostStudent said:

@Gesundheit

Can I trust my feelings as a guide in my current state though? Something happened when I was a kid that made me constantly crave attention and approval from my parents because I distinctly remember a time when I wasn't like that. Now that I've moved out and grown older I don't get the same amount of attention and approval from my parents, maybe that's why I want to seek attention and approval through a relationship?

The main thing preventing me from seeking a relationship is myself. My feelings tell me that I want to be physically intimate with someone who wants me but since I've been in a depressed state I don't trust myself as much because I don't know if these feelings are coming from a good place. I also think in my current state it would be really easy for me to be manipulated so I'm hesitant for those reasons. Sometimes it feels like I'm just trying to convince myself that a healthy relationship will solve all my problems but other times I feel like having someone in my life who cares about me is all I need. I guess I'm just a bit conflicted.

I think your desire for support/approval is absolutely natural. Are you familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs? You can use it to prioritize your needs and make better decisions. Take a look here:

IMG_20201007_091656.jpg

But it might be the case as well that your perception is being clouded by the lack of sex and human interaction. For that, I would simply go and have sex and socialize more first, and then re-examine the situation. You should gain more clarity about what you want after fulfilling the more fundamental needs (lower rows). Sex and human connection are two different needs at two different levels. Yet, the need for recognition/attention is at another level. I think you're feeling confused because you're treating them as one big issue rather than small separate ones. And so the hierarchy helps you make it simpler. What do you think? (try not to overthink lol).

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@Gesundheit

13 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

I think your desire for support/approval is absolutely natural. Are you familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs? You can use it to prioritize your needs and make better decisions. Take a look here:

You should gain more clarity about what you want after fulfilling the more fundamental needs (lower rows). Sex and human connection are two different needs at two different levels. Yet, the need for recognition/attention is at another level. I think you're feeling confused because you're treating them as one big issue rather than small separate ones. And so the hierarchy helps you make it simpler. What do you think? (try not to overthink lol).

I remember learning about Maslow's hierarchy of needs in one of my classes but I forgot about it until now. Thanks for the resource. Aside from reproduction, I have all my physiological and safety needs taken care of. Right now, I would say none of my needs in the love and belonging level are being met and I'm not too sure about the esteem level.

 

26 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

But it might be the case as well that your perception is being clouded by the lack of sex and human interaction. For that, I would simply go and have sex and socialize more first, and then re-examine the situation.

I think this is a good idea and this will be my current plan. I'm going to spend more time connecting with my friends and trying to organize ways for us to socialize. In terms of physical intimacy, it may be challenging for me to find someone I would be comfortable starting a serious relationship with so I'm going to try and meet someone I'm attracted to who also shares a few interests with me. From there I'm hoping we can become friends with benefits and satisfy each other's physical needs. I think this kind of scenario would benefit me because I wouldn't have to commit much time into this kind of relationship and if things don't go as smoothly later, we can just part ways.

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@AtheisticNonduality Ah I see, sorry I got a little confused. Yeah, I'm going to put in more effort in meeting new people. My goal is to meet someone and develope a deeper connection than just friendship but I don't want to set any expectations and my current goal is to just meet new friends.

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