Neediness Megathread !!! ???

[Preety_India]

 

I have been not very clear on this subject in relationships. 

It does have a ground of confusion and debate. 

Enough clarity doesn't exist on this topic 

I wanted a Megathread where people will discuss neediness. 

Different elements to discuss - 

Needy behavior, examples of needy behaviors. 

Genuine examples of needy behaviors versus when you are gaslighted as needy or projected as needy even when you're not. 

Also want people to elaborate how being needy is different from actually having basic needs. 

The pros and cons of needy behavior. 

How to avoid needy behavior. 

The subconscious psychology of needy behavior. 

When to call yourself or the other person is needy. 

What needy people should do. 

And when such behavior is slightly okay and when slightly overboard. 

How to balance neediness for both men and women. 

Please discuss all the above aspects in this Megathread to remove confusion and bring clarity to this topic. 

It seems many people are very confused on the subject of neediness. Me too. 

 

 

Thanks 

 

 

Edited October 9, 2020 by Preety_India

[Chives99]

I have mild autism and didn't fit in school, had friends in primary school but got left behind in high school. I gave up and withdrew into video games and toxic online commuties that blaimed society for not fitting in, BUT THEN I got into college and I decided this was my big break to have a second chance at life even though i was miles behind everyone else socially and eventually led to getting an autism diagnosis at 21 (came to the conclusion  something must be wrong) 

The problem I'm facing now is that this insecurity and defiency of not being loved has hardwired my brain to need a girlfriend, its so hardwired its unconscious I have to be mindful otherwise I will literally go unconscious and end up staring at some lass or fantasize about her. After enough education and experience I'm finally willing to admit that this stratergy just doesn't work and to give up on needing anyone completely. Still have to catch myself though , watching myself like a hawk.

Another thing I've learned is you don't even have to say or do anything, neediness can just be sensed , especially among women, could just be lingering eye contact when they aren't reciprocating ( if they reciprocate the long  gaze at the time  then its fair game, its invited), going out of your way to see them is another example, trying to force conversation is another, it must be NATURAL. I've been told naturally ive very funny but blown so many opportunities just because I cared about being with them.

Anyway I'm getting dedicated for enlightenment now , after seing how pointless it is needing people and a  strong desire for truth and now I have 2 women in my workplace inboxing me, but that would be a distaction for enlightenment, why is the universe cruel.

 

( having a girlfriend is a fulltime job)

 

[SamC]

Neediness = A big inseceure ego which desperetly needs something. This, from what I have been able to understand is when there is a need, that the narcisitic ego thinks it needs desperetly. It honestly becomes like an addiction to X thing beaucse the ego feels like it needs to build itself up to be secure. ( because than the ideal identify doesn't feel as threatened)

 Neediness could therefor be considered as a scarcity mindset, due to fear of emptyness ( and also fomo, aka fear of missing out, cause that leads to emptiness because the need is not getting meet if it's not getting X.)  This because the ego feels like it is not enough or need something to feel secaure.

Neediness is in other words a defense mekanism to be able to avoid emptyness, cause it feels like it is not fullfilled on it's own.

Furthur more, Neediness, obsession, OCD and perfektionism go hand in hand. Neediness It's all about trying to manipulate and control the environment to avoid not getting the thing or the outcome, that the ego needs to feel secure.

 

Edited October 10, 2020 by SamC

[JohnD]

Neediness is about needing attention/love

[RoerAmit]

I am needy of a girl I started to date with..

I want to send her 1000033728 messages and talk to her 24/7. I feel like I NEED her, that’s what neediness is about. She gives me love that I am lacking, and when she talks to me it feels so good, like finally I have the love I was lacking.

Of course its a big problem and toxic. I know. And I guess that if it will keep going likes this she will stop talking to me. Before that I am practicing Self-Love, and filling myself with the love I am lacking from an healthy place.

I hope my perspective helps

[Preety_India]

 

When you are this needy that you want a whole lot of love and affection, the important question to ask is 

 

Do you really care about that person, or is that relationship only about fulfilling your needs and that's it.

Is that person also happy with you or you're simply Draining that person like a vampire? 

Are you accomodating that person's needs or only thinking about your needs 24/7.?   In a way its too selfish to not think about the other person at all

Are you completely ignoring the person when they need you or just dismissing them flippantly? 

Do you still want that person even if that person is not happy with you? Are you able to let that person have their freedoms and let them go, or you want to hold that person back for your needs by manipulating them? 

Are you selfishly loving them where you only take take take but never give anything or are you selflessly loving them? 

Do you really love the other person and care about them sincerely or you just want the relationship for your own needs? 

 

Is your wanting love coming from a place of lack or is it coming from a place of wanting to love and be loved in return? 

How have you made that person feel loved? Did that person feel loved too, or you simply want them to love you without expecting anything in return and staying deprived meanwhile you fill your cup? 

 

Some questions to ask yourself when you are too needy for the other person. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

@modmyth  That was very insightful. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, it helps a lot with expanding and broadening our collective understanding. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

1 minute ago, modmyth said:

Although as I have gotten older, I have also tried to be more mindful and empathetic towards what it must feel like to be on the other side of this. Like avoidant/ hot-cold behaviour.

Awesome that you had so much growth in such a short span of time.. You're a learner and that reflects a lot in you. That's what we need to do, keep being mindful. It seems like you have come a long way in learning so many things in life. Your journals are always so beautiful to read. 

 

 

[w4read]

On 9.10.2020 at 5:26 PM, Preety_India said:

Also want people to elaborate how being needy is different from actually having basic needs. 

When I think of being needy I usually think of it in terms of relationships, in other words that you're being needy towards someone. Basic needs I feel like has more to do with basic needs for physical survival but also maybe some aspects of relationsships are relevant here. I guess you become needy if what you perceive as your basic needs aren't fullfilled. And with the key word perceive. Some people think they only need shelter, food, and one or two people in their lives to be happy. But others would need huge amount of money, large social circles, status and so on to feel secure. So I guess you could argue that both of these people become needy if they don't get their needs met, but that the last one is suffering more from neediness since he/she has gone further down the rabbit hole so to speak. 

[Leo Gura]

Needy is when you're desperately asking another for something.

Like if I came on this forum and started begging you for donations because I didn't have my finances together. People who don't get their shit together end up in a state of desperation for money, sex, a sale, love, or whatever.

One of your self-help goals should be to create a state of such abundance that you don't have a desperate need for anything from anyone.

Fill your cup until it runeth over and never gets depleted again. This is how you attract people to you. Nobody wants to be friends with a leech. (Mostly because everyone wants to be the leech themselves.) The secret to life is to surrender all your leeching impulses. Make a commitment to stop being a leech in every area of your life. This is the magic of living selflessly. God is infinite selflessness, infinite giving, infinite abundance.

[Preety_India]

@modmyth  thank you for your kind words. It wasn't a breakup, just a temporary fight with my bf that got me really upset. But I have been through many breakups before so I know how it feels. 

Your words are very beautiful. I wish all the healing and happiness to you. 

 

[Preety_India]

@modmyth exactly. 

 

[universe]

There is a difference between wanting and needing something.

Wanting something or not wanting something is how you make decisions in your life. In terms of dating you maybe want to get to know or you want to spend time with someone. These are your preferences and they form your character. If you have a healthy self-esteem you go for what you want. It can be interesting and fun to explore what you or what others want.

Needing something is different in that a need makes you feel that your life depends on getting what you need. You may not think you will die when you don't get what you need but it can feel like it. There is a strong fear involved in it. Like somehow you will be less without it. If you don't get your needs met you suffer. That is why you will go to great lengths to get your needs met. And you are prone to make unhealthy decisions along the way because you become desperate trying to fill your needs. When your need is very strong you can say it's like an addiction. You are afraid to not get what you think you need.

For dating as well as for the self-actualization path it's extremely beneficial (almost inevitable) to first acknowledge your needs and then work on them. You will accumulate many thousands of different needs as you grow older. Most of them can be broken down into a few basic needs.

According to the Sedona Method there are 5 basic human needs (I find this list super helpful):

• Need for approval/validation
• Need for security
• Need for control
• Need for seperation
• Need for oneness

Whether you notice it or not. These needs will shape your behaviour in some way or another. What will happen is that these needs start to creep into all different aspects of your life. Some may where you would never expect them. And they are fluid. Say for example you think you need this woman/man in your life. Maybe behind that need is the need for security. But it can also likely be the case that there are several needs behind that specific need.

The first important step is to understand you are acting from a place of need. Consider the classic example of the "nice guy" who tries to make it right for everyone and completely dismisses his own desires or feelings. At the core of this behaviour is a need for validation. He is so afraid that people won't like him that he does everything to make them happy.

The big crux now is that people will intuitively notice whenever you need validation from them. And because you act out of fear for being rejected or disliked you cannot really be authentic. This will drive people away from you and actually make them dislike you. The only people that stay are those that are desperately needing validation themselves, so that they don't care wether you are authentic or not. But these people also don't like you because they only care to get their needs met.

Of course this is a bit of a simplification, as I said these needs are fluid and there are many different factors at play here. But overall, talking and getting to know more and more people will not help you unless you identify the need behind your behaviour and work on that. That is the reason why we get stuck and end up in the same situations which seem to repeat themselves over and over again.

In the end you have to realize that nothing in this world can bring you what you need. You will never get the validation or security that you need and you are never in control. If you chase any of these needs in the outside they will only grow more and more. It's a bottomless pit. It never ends. Instead, feel the needs within you and let them go. One by one. Break out of the vicious circle and just be. That's how you can transcend them. You can really just be. Instead of fearing about having your needs met, enjoy the abundance that is already within you.

❤️

[Preety_India]

@universe  such great insight. Thank you. 

 

[evgn]

21 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Needy is when you're desperately asking another for something.

Like if I came on this forum and started begging you for donations because I didn't have my finances together. People who don't get their shit together end up in a state of desperation for money, sex, a sale, love, or whatever.

One of your self-help goals should be to create a state of such abundance that you don't have a desperate need for anything from anyone.

Fill your cup until it runeth over and never gets depleted again. This is how you attract people to you. Nobody wants to be friends with a leech. (Mostly because everyone wants to be the leech themselves.) The secret to life is to surrender all your leeching impulses. Make a commitment to stop being a leech in every area of your life. This is the magic of living selflessly. God is infinite selflessness, infinite giving, infinite abundance.

So the goal is to create develepol yourself and drawn people leech from you :D... Just kiding 100% agree

[evgn]

Actually i dont thing that neediness is something that you can hide or pretend to not be. In my personal experiance this is something that you feel on a subcouncuess level and you automaticly start thinking that there have to be something wrong with this person.

 

Edited October 12, 2020 by evgn