MsNobody

Why do I lose interest after sex?

16 posts in this topic

Whenever I sleep fast with a man I end up losing interest after sex, and I feel bad because they are interested and become excited and I feel like I’m hurting them.
 

I know usually men feel like that but as a woman I’m not sure why, I think maybe because we didn’t build a deeper connection?! 


"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Shakespeare

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCqtX3EPGsnmWjK76m5Vpbw

 

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I think you just answered your own question, maybe be mindful in sleeping with someone quickly or if you do know you might feel this way after you do it. The better option would be to get to know them more and feel out there character more amd you can get a better sense of how they will be after sex.

Your right tho its more a male thing to feel that unless the guy is needy after sex. 

Also could be a more deeper issue like a trauma or form of love avoidance, I use to use sex as a way to escape trauma and avoid love. 

Are you the one who was asking Leo for advice for pick up for girls? 

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@Globalcollective yes, that was me. Thank you for the response on the other thread, I appreciate it. 

he wasn’t needy after sex, just kind. I think it’s my trauma from having an absent dad, I tend to fall in love with men that are not really present, when they are nice and want to be with me, I lose interest. 


"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Shakespeare

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCqtX3EPGsnmWjK76m5Vpbw

 

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20 minutes ago, MsNobody said:

@Globalcollective yes, that was me. Thank you for the response on the other thread, I appreciate it. 

he wasn’t needy after sex, just kind. I think it’s my trauma from having an absent dad, I tend to fall in love with men that are not really present, when they are nice and want to be with me, I lose interest. 

@MsNobody  ah interesting, atleast your aware of this. It's not that uncommon. One of my friends has the same problem. 

Yeah, maybe outline what it is exactly you want to get from men and relationships. I assume to no longer be attracted to thos type of guys anymore. 

Have you considered going celebate for awhile and take some time to heal this trauma with your dad? Also working on your spirtual growth can really help with this. This really helped me with this area as I started to get way more control over my emotions and lust and was able to stop myself getting into the wrong relationships or having sex with the wrong people. 

But if you still young and exploring nothing wrong with experimenting and seeing what you like and don't but its seems like your becoming to aware for that ? I assume 

Edited by Globalcollective

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9 minutes ago, MsNobody said:

I think it’s my trauma from having an absent dad, I tend to fall in love with men that are not really present, when they are nice and want to be with me, I lose interest. 

You're looking for a familiar pattern. Reproducing your relationship with your father, hoping that this time you can correct it and get your needs met.

From what you are saying, it seems that healthy men bore you and you're looking for whoever will treat you the way you judge as "normal" (not being into you).

The reason might be because deep inside, you believe that this is all you deserve. A man who's rejecting you is sending you as a message that you are inadequate and undeserving of attention. You'll only resonate with this narrative if that is also yours, unfortunately.


“If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?” - Rumi.

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Sounds like a Masculine vs. Feminine imbalance.

Are your masculine traits taking over your personality? Like, do you feel more attracted to vulnerable/co-dependent men?

Next question may be too extreme, but do you have any BDSM, especially dominant-type fetishes?


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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@Globalcollective Yes, I do therapy and was celibate last year, but things seem to be the same still. I have my spiritual practices too but maybe I should work on my impulses. I'm really attracted to men that are not interested in me. While the ones that are nice I don't care about. It's more of an attraction thing than anything else.

@Etherial Cat Exactly! Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it! I've been talking about this in my therapy but it seems like it's going to take a long time to heal, do you have any recommendation of how I should handle this? I'm in my third relationship that I've had this happening, the first was 4 years, second was 2 years and the most recent three months, as I do the inner work and respect and love myself more I become more aware of the loop I'm in, but it's just difficult because there is a strong pull towards the men that are not interested in me, which are coincidentally the ones that are good in bed.

The 4 year relationship was very abusive physically and mentally, the other two were just mentally but I can see the pattern repeating itself like you said, would psychedelics help me? I'm doing therapy already, I do meditation everyday, read books, but it seems like it's a difficult cycle to break, my mom still nowadays is trapped in toxic relationship and I watched my dad abusing her my whole childhood. It's exhausting to participate in that for so many years, and whenever I have a little bit of awareness and become conscious of the vicious cycle I feel pretty bad about myself.

@Gesundheit I'm pretty feminine most of the time, but I'm very independent and strong and can be masculine as well, I feel attracted to strong and masculine guys, I don't think I have any crazy fetishes, I'm wild in bed but mostly submissive if I'm with someone who knows what he is doing. This is something I noticed too, I prefer dominant men, when he is more feminine I feel like I need to be in charge and am not bale to be in my feminine, while with masculine guys I feel safer and can be more vulnerable. It could be something from my Brazilian culture too.

 


"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Shakespeare

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCqtX3EPGsnmWjK76m5Vpbw

 

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@MsNobody hmm okay everything seems fine regarding your sexuality.

Next question: Are you generally hyper-rational? I know a hyper-rational girl who does not find joy in being flirted with. She thinks it's silly that a lot of girls fall for that. Rationality is mostly a masculine trait, even though not really sexual, but it can cause an imbalance, which may result in inordinary things like losing interest after sex.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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Maybe practicing intense emotion for 10 minutes a day would lubricate your feels you know. Or shadow work, you know, looking at the numbness directly and facing it, or maybe letting go of the guilt! :)

 

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@Gesundheit no I’m not rational at all, I’m pretty emotional actually. 

I think the problem really is my relationship with my dad, I need to heal myself of unworthiness to be able to connect with the right person. But thank you for your comment, I appreciate it :) 

 

@Applegarden thank you for that! Love Sadguru, Im actually reading his book Inner Engineering, really amazing 🙏


"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Shakespeare

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCqtX3EPGsnmWjK76m5Vpbw

 

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2 hours ago, MsNobody said:

@Gesundheit no I’m not rational at all, I’m pretty emotional actually. 

I think the problem really is my relationship with my dad, I need to heal myself of unworthiness to be able to connect with the right person. But thank you for your comment, I appreciate it :) 

No problem, and best of luck there.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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@MsNobody

I don't know if I have any recommendations but I do have a few suggestions.

1) Observe what healthy relationships are like

-Between a father and a daughter

Check out for father figures in culture or in your surroundings which incarnate the ideal situation between a dad and a daughter. Pay attention to the dad's behavior and how the girl is protected, loved and given internal ressources to become one day independent. Look at how little girl are accustomed to have standards on how to be treated by a man, because they've got their daddy as an exemple. It's hard to find a perfect father figure so maybe feel free to dig elements you might like in several characters.

-Between a man and a woman 

Research for LTR between two healthy individuals. Look at how each partner is fulfilling its very own needs first and then help each other. This is important because you are always responsible for your happiness. To have a healthy relationship, you need to love yourself first. A lot of people are making the mistake to wish that the other is going to save them in some way- this is not working. Loving yourself means also that you will respect your agenda, needs, and have some respects to immediately spot when someone is not decently caring about you.

I also like to look at content written and videos by love coaches to point out at what are the ideal behaviors in several circumstances, so I can see the underlying pattern of how someone healthy would behave.

2) Reparent yourself

Talk to your inner child, allow yourself to feel the anger and sadness to have been let down by your absent father. Look for all the situations where it has affected your life and mentally try to correct what would have been the perfect situation.

3) Psychological issues often come from intergenerational traumas, not having your needs met, and currently having the feeling of not being enough.

Remember this daily. Allow yourself to feel and be angry but forgive your father because he couldn't help it.

Realize that your needs haven't been met as a child and you have been failed but now you are a grown-up and you can do something about it.

And lastly, you have internalized the fact that if your dad didn't want to stick around and get your needs met, it meant that you were not enough for him to make the effort. This creates a deep narcissistic wound, and you've got to reprogram your self-image. 

4) Check if you are diverting from the healthy pattern in your relationships

- Red flags

Mental abuse, physical abuse, non-commitment, ghosting, cheating, disrespect, stalking etc -> In those case, you've got to quit the relationship

-Overall relationship feeling

If you cry a lot, if you are anxious, if you are feeling miserable, or if your needs aren't met because your partner doesn't care -> you've got to quit

-Following the path of Self-Love

It's hard to know what Self-Love means and incarnate it, but if you do, you'll have strong boundaries and standards that will keep you away from abusing relationships and allow you to finally meet men who will treat you right.

--

Unfortunately, this isn't any magic formula, but I hope this helps :x

Edited by Etherial Cat

“If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?” - Rumi.

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Just a thought, sometimes when we aren't in touch with our desires, (not just sexual desires but all desires), we intensely desire to BE desired by another. Then once that desire is consummated/consumes itself, it's back to square one. It's sort of a self love thing too, but allowing our desires is a huge part of self love. 

Edited by mandyjw

My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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how would a woman lose interest if she could receive trembling ecstasy during love making? 

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This is what every woman on this planet goes through these days :) 

Stop letting men have sex with you(and I don't mean not to physically love you or have intercourse!!!)... I mean only be open to love.

Let them woo you, and then one day

You will encounter a man, and he will claim to love you, you gotta be a little vigilant, because at some point he may compromise, or you may compromise, for the promise of sex.

But the promise of sex always ends in disappointment and the oncoming on depression for the woman.

This is wonderful talk about sex and love:

Barry long, one of the only gurus that ever dared to talk about sex or love. He also has an incredibly powerful book about love making.

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