Petrified by attractive girl that is flirting with me

[Max_V]

For over around 6 months this girl in the supermarket keeps making very deep eye contact with me and giving me flirty smiles. The crazy thing is, we haven't even really talked yet. I looked at her one day, and ever since then she keeps making this same type of contact with me.

I was diagnosed with ASD a couple of months back (I'm 20 right now) and suffer from heavy social anxiety. I don't know if these labels mean anything to you, but perhaps they could give some insight or idea into why I'm struggeling with something that seems quite normal to most. Everyone probably has their own area in life that they really struggle with. Thinking, contemplating, meditating, etc. for example never has been something that was hard for me, it is something I naturally gravitate towards. Relationships and the social realm is the one thing I struggle with most, so much that even thinking about it, makes me want to cover myself in blankets and hide  into never ending safety.

I would really like to talk to her and get to know her as I'm quite attracted to her, but am completely paralyzed by the fear of not-knowing what to do. I have always been someone that thinks a lot, and makes a lot of inferences and predictions about the future. Being quite limp in the social realm, I have not much to go off of, and that petrifies me.

This same type of question has probably been asked countless times on this sub, but I wanted to ask for help nonetheless since overcoming this might be the key to solving suicidality and low self-worth that has been haunting me since I was around 12. Not being capable in something makes me feel like something that shouldn't exist.

Hope I could talk to any of you about this.

Regards,

Max

[Onemanwolfpac]

The difference between a coward and a hero is that, one is a victim consumed by fear. A hero goes through the fear and comes out the other end transformed. The biggest regrets aren't so much what you do. Its typical of the things you don't do. You can cultivate being more social gradually and put work in towards being a better man assuming that's what you want. There's social and then there's being a dancing monkey. 

Its likely she likes you or wants to be friends. I always take my shot and throw caution to the wind. You won't ever know otherwise. Good luck. 

[Max_V]

@Onemanwolfpac If only it was that easy. It feels like literal life and death, not so much as a "If you do this to conquer your fear, blablabla, etc". It feels like if I look worthless in the eyes of others it's better to just die, it's that bad.

[IJB063]

@Max_V

Im 19 and always have issues with anxiety, been diagnosed, and am to nervous around attractive women, you can sedate yourself to help, but the best bet is to just bite the bullet

No one gives you what you want in life you have to take it 

Yeah she might reject you, yeah you might embarrass yourself, so fucking what, just look at it as a funny story and keep on pushing forward, that’s the only way you improve 
 

[IJB063]

@Max_V

I can remember listening to some PUA video where guys who would go chat girls up, but they had to literally get rejected by them. The man who had the most rejections was the winner, if you actually successfully got a girl and shagged her that was a loss. 

The point was to overcome the fear of rejection or embarrassment because it doesn’t fucking mean anything, anxiety is primitive so you have to solve it primitively are that’s by showing your hind brain that you’re not going to die when you talk to a girl, just incremental steps towards your goal.

  
 

[Hugo Oliveira]

Talking to her, at the end of the day, depends on how badly do you want it. Even the most healthy, confident, and handsome guys, even dating coaches can feel as much afraid as you are. So, this shit is part of the game. Whatever you choose, do it as an act of love for yourself.  But I suggest to enjoy the terror and go ahead, you can have fun and growth even in the worst-case scenario.

22 hours ago, Max_V said:

I wanted to ask for help nonetheless since overcoming this might be the key to solving suicidality and low self-worth

Remember that this specific challenge with the girl and the results of it will not define who you are. Will not make you a loser or a superhero. I think you are wrong about this perspective, please, reflect upon it and take it easy!

I would suggest you watch some James Marchal infield approaches that feel very natural and human as a way to get inspired. But I think these videos are off now. Anyway, you don't need them, and if you really want to talk to her which I think you do, you don't have much time to lose. 

Say hello, ask her name. You can even say that you are creeped out with the situation (if you want to). But look at her eyes and tell the truth. The truth that you want to take her on a date. 

 

[Onemanwolfpac]

On 10/06/2020 at 2:01 PM, Max_V said:

@Onemanwolfpac If only it was that easy. It feels like literal life and death, not so much as a "If you do this to conquer your fear, blablabla, etc". It feels like if I look worthless in the eyes of others it's better to just die, it's that bad.

I got told "you are a good looking guy." if I heard anything from a woman when younger, the perspective by which i view life will have been altered. Instead, i did a lot of work on myself, meditation, prayer, lifting in the gym or gymnastics, lots of sales, and chatting up girls. The aftermath being, i know what attraction and seduction is. I am not playboy, my male model childhood pal who pulls models on the regular daily till now. He found God. He is a lot fun. Learn how to have fun. I give absolutely ZERO FUCKKKKs. I want to live a good life. Whatever that entails. I am uncertain about settling down. I have aversion to the concept. 

The compliments and lays came AFTER (not before) i believed I was worth it. I recommend that you do the same. Lift, love, laugh. Hangout with fellas who get girls, are fun to be around, and become a well rounded person. I am a bachelor and i love it. I just met two girls after my run. Its nothing you can't do. 

The ironic mind fuck part is that, when you have options, women like you, more seem to be available. For now, just become a social person. Focus on making new friends. The older you get, the more important this becomes. I got love for my friends. I am in a different phase so, i keep making new ones. It creates new time lines.

@Max_V

is anything easy that great? I met a girl with her mother before Pandemic. The mother was as every bit as excited for her daughter. Maybe more. The father, not so much. Reward favors the bold. 

Edited June 11, 2020 by Onemanwolfpac

[EnlightenmentBlog]

On 10.06.2020 г. at 5:46 PM, Max_V said:

For over around 6 months this girl in the supermarket keeps making very deep eye contact with me and giving me flirty smiles. The crazy thing is, we haven't even really talked yet. I looked at her one day, and ever since then she keeps making this same type of contact with me.

 

6 months? Haven't even talked? Given yout condition and my previous experience, you might just interpret her actions as flirting while she might just act politely. Just throwing that out there FYI. Don't get disappointed when she tells you she's got a boyfriend. If you talk to her, that is. Just don't spend another 6 months harbouring empty hopes. 

 

[Leo Gura]

On 6/10/2020 at 9:31 AM, Max_V said:

@Onemanwolfpac If only it was that easy. It feels like literal life and death, not so much as a "If you do this to conquer your fear, blablabla, etc". It feels like if I look worthless in the eyes of others it's better to just die, it's that bad.

Go out and practice socializing with strangers at malls, stores, etc.

Practice on old ladies at the mall.

There is no magic pill solution that will allow you to escape practice.

Your practice shouldn't be focused on how to get anyone attracted, but just simple basic small talk. Learn to keep a conversation going with a stranger while holding good eye contact and being comfortable in your body.

Keep it very basic.

[bazera]

@Leo Gura What should you talk about in those kinds of situations in general?

I understand that it should be a dynamic and spontanious, so we can't be defining things to talk about beforehand, but still...

Is it possible to conquer fear of socializing through brute force way? Like going out and socializing a lot with strangers everywhere, without thinking too much about what you say or do, as long as you don't do something really stupid.

That kind of thing seems so hard when you are introverted type of a guy and even a little small talk with a stranger feels too much. 

[Girzo]

14 minutes ago, bazera said:

That kind of thing seems so hard when you are introverted type of a guy and even a little small talk with a stranger feels too much. 

This not an issue of introversion, but a lack of experience. Being introverted derails your efforts when you are trying to maintain long-term relationships or chat-up a group of people. But 1-on-1 conversations with strangers? You should be ok.

In my opinion, it's not that introverts are anti-social, but they just prefer personal interaction with one person at a time and extraverted types prefer doing stuff in a group.

Of course, your introversion might have helped to put you in this position of lack of experience, but it's not keeping you there.

[mandyjw]

27 minutes ago, bazera said:

 

Is it possible to conquer fear of socializing through brute force way? Like going out and socializing a lot with strangers everywhere, without thinking too much about what you say or do, as long as you don't do something really stupid.

That kind of thing seems so hard when you are introverted type of a guy and even a little small talk with a stranger feels too much. 

One thing you could do is volunteer for an organization that sets up tables at fairs on in the mall for donations or educational purposes or something like that. You'll have a purpose for talking to anyone and everyone, a reason for being there so feeling like you're out of place won't be there at all, and sometimes really good conversations and connections with people just happen. 

[bazera]

@Girzo

Quote

Of course, your introversion might have helped to put you in this position of lack of experience, but it's not keeping you there.

Yeah, I agree with this point a lot. 1-on-1 conversations with people are actually okay, but still, if it's with a stranger, it comes with anxiety and discomfort. But hey, everything is uncomfortable when we haven't got any experience, so it's just a matter of practice.

@mandyjw That's actually a pretty good idea  Thanks

[IJB063]

This is a good thread btw ?

[Loving Radiance]

5 hours ago, IJB063 said:

This is a good thread btw ?

Yeah, agreed. There is something with putting oneself out there and showing oneself, I cannot really put my finger on it... feels just authentic and good.

 

@Max_V Pretty sound advice here. Feels so good to interact with SD Green values... for connection, sharing, understanding, laughs and love.

[Leo Gura]

11 hours ago, bazera said:

@Leo Gura What should you talk about in those kinds of situations in general?

That's the art of learning to small talk.

The less important the topic, the better.

You need to learn to talk about things casually. Just for the sake of talking.

It's hard at first but then it gets easy with practice.

One of the best things is to talk about yourself. Talk about your day. Talk about what you're doing. Talk about how you feel. Talk about your ideas. etc.

Quote

Is it possible to conquer fear of socializing through brute force way? Like going out and socializing a lot with strangers everywhere, without thinking too much about what you say or do, as long as you don't do something really stupid.

Sure

Stop thinking of it as a brute force way. It's just practice. If you want to learn to golf, the only way is to go and hit the ball. Is this "brute force"? No! Its just practice at the activity in question.

The reason you suck at socializing is simply because you've done too little of it in your life.

Quote

That kind of thing seems so hard when you are introverted type of a guy and even a little small talk with a stranger feels too much. 

Everything worthwhile seems hard.

[bazera]

@Leo Gura

9 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

One of the best things is to talk about yourself. Talk about your day. Talk about what you're doing. Talk about how you feel. Talk about your ideas. etc.

When I do this, I feel that I'm doing something wrong. As if I'm just manipulating other people to engage in relationship with me by telling the stories and stuff about myself. 

But I also know, that's not what it's like from their perspective. But I feel kinda guilty and dirty inside, when I talk about myself. It's like subcounsiously I think of it as an egotistical behaviour that I don't want to do.

I guess it's a self-esteem issue. What would you advice for fixing that kind of attitude? Just being mindful whenever I catch myself feeling that way?

[Onemanwolfpac]

12 hours ago, bazera said:

@Leo Gura What should you talk about in those kinds of situations in general?

I understand that it should be a dynamic and spontanious, so we can't be defining things to talk about beforehand, but still...

Is it possible to conquer fear of socializing through brute force way? Like going out and socializing a lot with strangers everywhere, without thinking too much about what you say or do, as long as you don't do something really stupid.

That kind of thing seems so hard when you are introverted type of a guy and even a little small talk with a stranger feels too much. 

It doesn't matter or has bee. My experience. 

Have you ever seen a girls app bio that rants you better not start of with lame chatter and she messages you "hi." it cracks me up. YouTube Jordan Peterson. I cannot recall the term but its essentially exposure and stimuli of whatever kicks your fight or flight mechanism into overdrive. After all the experience, it may or may not be there but, it subsides to a smaller extent. 

Imho the fear is usually from a past trauma. The notion in our culture being what's your line? Don't talk to strangers. A better question being, what kind of life you want to live? The one I am chatting up girls in a dog park or to come run with a random girl. Any environment that fits into your persona is key. I am a dude bro gym lad. My gym is closed. I spot several areas to train. Guess what? It just so happens, lots of women go, and life's too fucking boring not to try says Lou Ashby. 

[Leo Gura]

7 hours ago, bazera said:

What would you advice for fixing that kind of attitude?

Go out and socialize with real humans.

[egoeimai]

@Max_V how would u feel If you talk to her

Please talk to her!!!!!!! Begging you.

Edited June 13, 2020 by egoeimai