Dating Advice

[Raptorsin7]

Hi everyone I have a few questions about a girl I'm currently seeing. We have been on 2 dates, but i'm at a cross roads and i'd appreciate some advice.

So, I think I'm ready for a serious relationship. I really want to grow, mature, be happier, etc and I think finding a secure relationship is an excellent way to facilitate growth between both people. This girl I'm seeing is a great person. She smart, aware, and just an overall good person. I think she would be an excellent person to commit to and develop a relationship. 

But I have a few concerns and i'd appreciate insight. I find her cute and attractive, but i'm not VERY physically attracted to her. Like there are some girls that are like sex magents, but this girl I find cute and attractive and it's not like I find her off putting, but am I setting myself up for future problems if i'm not insanely attracted to her right away? Is sexual attraction something that can build in a relationship?

It was weird, after our first date I really liked her and we really hit it off. I was thinking ok this girl i'm going to date. But then after the date I started getting in my own head about how she's a lot shorter than me(i'm 6ft3 she's like 5ft3) and I started thinking maybe I should find someone I find more attractive. But at the same time looks are so subjective, like I used to think I was ugly as a kid but now I like how I look and think i'm attractive. Could the same subjectivity apply here, could I find her more attractive as I work through my insecurities with her?

I guess i'm in an odd spot where I really want to WANT her, but I feel internally conflicted.

Any thoughts or questions are appreciated

[JessiChell]

@Raptorsin7 Wow I'm following cause I dont know the answer. 

I know when I fell in love with my ex of 8 years, he was obese, but his face was beautiful. I loved his charisma and intelligence. 

So I know looks have very little to do with it. 

But you dont sound excited about her. It sounds like you've decided she check boxes instead of really enjoying her company. 

But idk. 

[Dolphin]

Wow I have had the same dilemma in the past. 

Here was my experience: I was very insecure about my girl's looks from the very beginning. It actually got worse over time and I subtlety began to resent her. I began to feel like I was doing her a favor by staying with her and it ultimately corrupted the relationship. However, that was many years ago when I was a younger, even more immature person. 

How well do you know yourself? Will this thought grow into a deeper resentment?

[Preety_India]

 

5 feet 3 is not really short. It's an average height for women.  Most women are within that range slightly lower or higher. 

If you find her short, then it could be that you are too tall. 

But you have any girl, as a tall guy you'll face this problem, then you will need to look for a uniquely tall woman who is taller than most. But it will limit your choices. 

A woman who is closer to 6 feet is very rare. And it probably wouldn't look very good to look at, like a tall lamppost. 

You can see many celebrity basketball players with wives that are much shorter, but they aren't really short, it's the husbands or players who are too tall. 

If you really like her, I doubt you would be so concerned about her looks. 

Personally I never really cared how my boyfriend looked. But I got a looker so I can't complain. 

 

[Forestluv]

To me it seems like what you find “attractive” is evolving in a way that is foreign to you. 

There were times in which I started noticing things about women I never used to notice or care about. As they first surfaced, there was uncertainty whether they counted as “attractive”. Yet these features began to be attractive to me. I am now attracted to women very differently than I used to be. 

Yet with that said. . .. there can be an “it” between us. This “it” has had many different manifestations. These days, it is a combination of mental, emotional, intuitive, physical, intellectual, energetic flow. Yet it is not something I can create or dismiss. It’s a key ingredient in relationships for me, yet it’s rare and doesn’t always work out because of practical reasons. Currently, I am dating someone with whom we connect and get along very well, yet that holistic “it” is not there. It seems there for her, yet not for me. Unfortunately, it’s not always mutual. I enjoy being with her, we connect in a lot of areas and the practicalities are aligned. We are on the same page. Yet, I do miss that “it” and wish it was present. 

As well, for me what you are describing is getting waaaay ahead after only two dates. That creates all sorts of analysis, expectations and pressure. I’ve found it best just to enjoy time together for a while and get to know each other. 

[Raptorsin7]

@Dolphin I know myself pretty well.

Here's the thing. I'm pretty committed to the path, so I recognize that my worries, insecurities etc are just thoughts created by me. I'm the one who's making a problem with this girl. Like after our first date I was so excited, we hit it off, I found her attractive, the only thing that bothered me was the height, but she had so many positive qualities I thought i'd let it go and eventually it would pass. The more I thought about her and the situation the more unhappy and bitter I became about it. But even this is just more thinking. 

But I wonder if i'm just forcing it, and maybe the thoughts and feelings here are a sign to move on. 

I am currently somewhat immature, but i'm really committed to working on myself and that's one reason why im conflicted here. 

This girl is pretty good, and I've never been in a relationship and I think part of the problem here is I just never formed a healthy, happy relationship with another person. I've heard some stuff about how forming relationsghips with people is incredibly important for emotional regulation etc, and the issues I'm having here are emotional issues. So maybe these issues won't exist as we get closer and form an emotional bond but idk.

 

[Roy]

The height difference really isn't that bad when it's Male>Female. It's pretty natural for most couples, and women like to feel small and be held anyways. No matter how dominant or assertive they come off initially this will typically be the case. Which this will lend itself too and play into the "cute" factor you seem to like

If you find her attractive and not off putting sexually, but her personality and values are amazing. What more do you want? You have to realize @Raptorsin7, you'll always see 9's and 10's out in the world. No matter how attractive the person you end up with is, there are so many people in the world you'll always end up spotting someone who's hotter and more attractive.

But that's just purely visceral, which is an instant 3 second process that happens. What you'll find after you get deeper into your relationship with her is that the love and connection you build will create an attraction that's much stronger than any surface appearances you find lacking. If you're mature enough those insecurities and hang ups will dissolve. If they don't well then you have stuff you need to work out yourself, that won't be solved by simply hopping to the next person.

 

 

[Raptorsin7]

1 hour ago, Roy said:

If you find her attractive and not off putting sexually, but her personality and values are amazing. What more do you want?

 See here's the issue. She is a quality human, but my mind just turned on her after our great first date. I guess the concern would be that I keep dating her and I just keep thinking of what's wrong. Like on our last date It didn't go well, and I know it's because I was having these negative thoughts about her and I think it manifested in me being cold and not open in our date.

I guess the question is will the feelings and connection grow deeper into the relationship. I want to be a happy, self actualized person. I don't care if my girlfriend is a perfect 10 model type nonsense, but I am worried that if these thoughts don't go away and then it's like 10 dates in and i'm still having reservations and just picking her apart.

1 hour ago, Roy said:

What you'll find after you get deeper into your relationship with her is that the love and connection you build will create an attraction that's much stronger than any surface appearances you find lacking. If you're mature enough those insecurities and hang ups will dissolve. If they don't well then you have stuff you need to work out yourself, that won't be solved by simply hopping to the next person.

This is what i'd hope happens here. How do I know if i'm mature enough for them to dissolve? I don't want to be comparing her to other girls, and I don't want to focus on her tiny flaws, when there's so much about her that is just awesome. 

This is the first girl I've gone out with that I've actually cared about. Part of me wants her to say she doesn't like me so I can get out of this, but I do want an intimate relationship. I also know that superficial looks etc is so surface and I do not want to be the kind of person who gets hung up on this. There's a higher version of myself that would love this relationship and it would be great.

[Preety_India]

49 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

don't want to be comparing her to other girls, and I don't want to focus on her tiny flaws, when there's so much about her that is just awesome

If you are the type of guy who does that all that  comparing and only looking for flaws, then your relationship is over lol. 

This is a cognitive dissonance in certain men. It plagues the relationship like a virus. 

I'm sorry but this is the truth. You could find the best person in the world and lose that person because you can't lose those thoughts. 

 

Even you're not perfect. What if she left you because of your tiny flaws. Would you have liked it? 

Don't judge someone that you truly want to love. Because then it's not love, just empty affection. 

 

[Roy]

@Raptorsin7 You are worrying and thinking too much friend, just be.

Those thoughts will go away if you focus on the important stuff and the things that make you happy in the relationship. They are likely just manifesting from anxiety of expecting things to go perfect. How do you find out if you're mature enough for them to dissolve? Challenge yourself to pursue the relationship and make it a goal for them to go away.

It can be an actuality for you, if you let it.

[Gili Trawangan]

What stands out for me is that after two dates you're already making all kinds of stories about a relationship. Notice that.

Mind you, it's understandable. It's what you want at the moment, so it's only natural. But it prevents you from letting things unfold naturally. You don't even know where she stands on this. Why don't you just keep seeing her and see what happens? Maybe it will evolve into a long-term relationship, maybe it won't. Maybe you'll get extremely attracted to her, or maybe you'll find out that you're sexually incompatible. Who knows? It's making up stories and fantasies about it that is bringing about issues that aren't even there yet.

[egoeimai]

@Gili Trawangan super nice advice I wish I'd have known this months ago lol

[Raptorsin7]

WOW. Huge update.

She just messaged me saying she doesn't want to lead me on and doesn't see it going anywhere. I was having second thoughts throughout our date and i'm pretty sure my coldness rubbed off on her and that's what killed it. 

I had a thought earlier today that I would be so relieved if she just messaged me and said she wasn't interested, so I got just what I wanted haha.

The world works in weird ways.

I think one thing I learned is I have to find someone i'm incredibly attracted too. I don't know if i'd be satisfied settling for someone who ticked all the boxes intellectually, but in reality something felt off. 

[Gili Trawangan]

51 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

@Gili Trawangan super nice advice I wish I'd have known this months ago lol

@egoeimai There's nothing like learning from experience

[Arcangelo]

7 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

i'm 6ft3

No wonder why you play BKB

There are no heights in bed.

Solid advice from Preety.

 

Have fun Rap!

[egoeimai]

@Raptorsin7 are you sure you're not feeling left out so you say to yourself you were wishing for that to happen?

[egoeimai]

 Why did you leave such a minor thing destroy everything else? It's just like leaving an A- for something else. A-  is so close to A. And you might never find A+.

Good luck.

Edited June 5, 2020 by egoeimai

[Raptorsin7]

@egoeimai  No, I honestly had these thoughts earlier but I was internally divided on the subject. On the one hand I thought I could make it work and i'd get over the insecure thoughts, but on the other hand I thought it could just be we aren't compatible and i'll know when I find someone who's right for me.

I do feel sad about the situation, but overall i'm relieved that this experience passed, especially because I have a greater sense for what to look for in a potential partner, and how much work I have to do on myself to be ready for a great relationship

[Sine]

13 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Is sexual attraction something that can build in a relationship?

Just one short answer YES VERY MUCH  - I speak from experience. Almost everyone I've dated I've dated them because of their personality/status/ energy and the physical/sexual attraction to just their body came later. In almost all of my relationships, I have had the experience of them getting more handsome (and I have even thought that their dicks were growing) when I started to really love them and feel safe/secure in the relationship <3 So no worries. This will happen. 

[IJB063]

@Raptorsin7

14 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

But I have a few concerns and i'd appreciate insight. I find her cute and attractive, but i'm not VERY physically attracted to her. Like there are some girls that are like sex magents, but this girl I find cute and attractive and it's not like I find her off putting, but am I setting myself up for future problems if i'm not insanely attracted to her right away? Is sexual attraction something that can build in a relationship?

“Man can start with aversion and end with love, but if he begins with love and comes round to aversion he will never get back to love.“ - Honoré de Balzac

You can become more physically attracted to a woman, what matters is if she’s a decent human being if your looking for a long term relationship 

@Sine

1 hour ago, Sine said:

Just one short answer YES VERY MUCH  - I speak from experience. Almost everyone I've dated I've dated them because of their personality/status/ energy and the physical/sexual attraction to just their body came later. In almost all of my relationships, I have had the experience of them getting more handsome (and I have even thought that their dicks were growing) when I started to really love them and feel safe/secure in the relationship <3 So no worries. This will happen. 

“When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues.“ - Honoré de Balzac

I think women are more ride or die when it comes to their love, but their love is much more convenient to there best interests wherever they are in life.

Guys are more sacrificial in their love, but are less likely to love a woman wholly.