electroBeam

Breakup because I'm not similar enough

60 posts in this topic

@electroBeam Something tells me that you are not being honest here, it doesn't add up.

You claim to be "too dominant", yet you are okay with just laying in bed kissing, putting up with something that is clearly not okay with you, and you are here asking for advice on what you should do?

You can play the cover of "values mis match" all you want, but something tells me it's more than that, and that you would most likely have similar issues in your future relationships, if you don't address them now.

 

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1 hour ago, electroBeam said:

@whoareyou actually our relationship split partially because I was too dominant: I am in love with my career, so much that on occasions I would neglect her. I knew exactly what I wanted: to be a world class leader in in my company's area of expertise. And that scared her, because she saw that for the rest of my life I will be working minimum of 60 hours a week, even though I would be extremely successful. Also she's the type that just wants to retire on an island. I'm not like that, I want to be Elon Musk.

She also had to rearrange her stuff on my schedule because I was the busy one, with a strong purpose in life. I knew exactly the life I wanted, and tried to get her to follow it.

She got sick of this about 1 year into our relationship. She wanted things to be on her terms. We fought a lot about it. I eventually decided to reduce my dominance to give her more freedom. This she deeply appreciated.

 

Being dominant is just part of the equation, and being too dominant is not a good thing: you're just being an asshole. A relationship is a team sport and you need to care for the other person's feelings, wants and their growth. Life isn't all about you, and what makes a man truly attractive is how much he praises her/compliments her, makes her feel good about herself, supports her woman's growth, cares for her, ensures her needs are met, shows her how to live a better life, and helps her with her problems, while maintaining their own life, purpose and integrity.

 

The problem with our relationship was a values mis match, had nothing to do with this macho PUA crap of dominance or better sex.

I think we sometimes make the mistake of thinking about dominance like neglecting behavior, passive-aggressiveness (or explicit aggressiveness), being rude, etc. IME that's not a good way to be attractive (maybe for some girls this is attractive, but it usually ends in a toxic relationship). 

Dominance is more about being grounded, confident, taking responsibility, not blaming, not being afraid of embodying your feminine side too, taking the lead AND at the same time being willing to be present with her feelings, making her feel safe.

Each relationship is different and this may be just my experience. However, I've found that when I feel and act this way the passion between my girlfriend and me increases. 

On the other hand, if you act like a traditional macho type (dismissing her feelings, compensating for your insecurities, letting your ego take control and wanting to be right all the time for example), IME this is not the kind of "dominance" women tend to be attracted to. The same goes for being too passive, scared to take the lead, being too much of a people-pleaser, etc. That's the other extreme and IME depolarizes the relationship too. 
 

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A relationship is a team sport and you need to care for the other person's feelings, wants and their growth. Life isn't all about you, and what makes a man truly attractive is how much he praises her/compliments her, makes her feel good about herself, supports her woman's growth, cares for her, ensures her needs are met, shows her how to live a better life, and helps her with her problems, while maintaining their own life, purpose and integrity.

 
 
 
 
5 hours ago, Farnaby said:

Dominance is more about being grounded, confident, taking responsibility, not blaming, not being afraid of embodying your feminine side too, taking the lead AND at the same time being willing to be present with her feelings, making her feel safe.

This is good stuff. Though the comments have a different flavor, I don't think you're in much disagreement.

(I just hope you seek the same qualities of confidence, responsibility, purpose, attunement and care in women - only then, in my opinion, the couple can find a joined purpose and "leadership" can be relaxed into a deep respect for each others' individual selves.)

 
 
 
 
2
5 hours ago, whoareyou said:

@electroBeam Something tells me that you are not being honest here, it doesn't add up.

You claim to be "too dominant", yet you are okay with just laying in bed kissing, putting up with something that is clearly not okay with you, and you are here asking for advice on what you should do?

You can play the cover of "values mis match" all you want, but something tells me it's more than that, and that you would most likely have similar issues in your future relationships, if you don't address them now.

@electroBeam I think what doesn't add up here is boundaries. Part of having boundaries is the ability to listen and act upon one's own preferences consistently. Then there's the other bit about how you act. It's a skill to figure out and practice - and it's well possible that while you've built up a strong sense of purpose in your career, in relationships you still struggle to feel your own self. 

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6 hours ago, whoareyou said:

@electroBeam Something tells me that you are not being honest here, it doesn't add up.

You claim to be "too dominant", yet you are okay with just laying in bed kissing, putting up with something that is clearly not okay with you, and you are here asking for advice on what you should do?

You can play the cover of "values mis match" all you want, but something tells me it's more than that, and that you would most likely have similar issues in your future relationships, if you don't address them now.

 

Well that's no quite true because I wrote in my original post that I told her that I'm not touching her after the breakup. 

Well you might be right, maybe all I need to do is act more confident and assertive in the relationship and magically everything will resolve... but I don't see how that solves everything. 

Well I'm being as dominant as I possibly can now(I've basically told her im not touching her, and I'm free to talk and support her with the breakup verbally over the phone to help her get over it, but I'm going to focus my life on my career and social network rather than the stuff she wants me to do). This hasn't changed anything by the way. Shes a bit sad about me cutting things off further, but deep down she thinks its the best strategy. You might say "you're not being dominant enough because you're still supporting her - be a macho asshole and cut her off completely, then she will respect you more" but I know that's not going to happen, if anything that's just going to make her hurt, feel reject and angry. I really dont believe you should be an asshole for the sake of machoness. And I don't want to do it for the sake of her future relationships as Well. She doesn't deserve to be hurt. I don't see how thinking this way is a dominant problem. Reminds me of business people who tell me that only assholes make lots of money in business because business is cut throat - yet they forget about social impact companies that are successful.

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@electroBeam

Honestly everyone will project crazy stories on top of you interpretation which will only muddy the waters.

The core dynamic is broken and it only means you didn't provide enough value in terms of fitting to her survival needs. That's why she slowly got rid of you.

It has nothing to do with not being similar do not even believe that for a second. That's a complete lie.

Get better with women in general and stop overthinking it. It's that easy.

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@electroBeam lol, i'm sorry, she doesn't love you anymore. Her being an "introverted shy girl" doesn't make her any less prone to being a sex-crazed maniac who likes to get f00ked. I'm sorry but the only thing you can do right now is start seeing other girls and getting on your purpose. Forget about her. She aint interested. There are millions of "spiritual" girls out there, whatever the hell that means. Besides, most "spiritual" girls i've dated are crazy new age hippies who you wanna stay away from. Mark my words. You will get more and more delusional, the more time you spend with them. I knew this one girl who was totally convinced we are shapeshifting reptiles and are going to transcend into the 5th dimension by the end of 2020. Geez. huge acid head too

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8 minutes ago, Lynnel said:

@electroBeam

Honestly everyone will project crazy stories on top of you interpretation which will only muddy the waters.

The core dynamic is broken and it only means you didn't provide enough value in terms of fitting to her survival needs. That's why she slowly got rid of you.

It has nothing to do with not being similar do not even believe that for a second. That's a complete lie.

Get better with women in general and stop overthinking it. It's that easy.

So what was the problem then? What you think if you find a guy who has amazing sex, supports you financially, takes you out to dinner and holidays, that you will 100% be happy?

What if this guy loves football, thinks spirituality is delusional, and loves making money and hates gays? That doesn't matter so long as he provides your survival needs?

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@electroBeam relationships are based on "what can i get out of this person". No altruism here. If the other person stops giving you what you want (sex, love, companionship,... ) the relationship ends. End of story. Spiritual people aren't immune to this fact

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13 minutes ago, Kushu2000 said:

@electroBeam relationships are based on "what can i get out of this person". No altruism here. If the other person stops giving you what you want (sex, love, companionship,... ) the relationship ends. End of story. Spiritual people aren't immune to this fact

One interesting problem with this paradigm is it assumes women are rational.

Just like the classical vs behavioural economics problem, if you assume women leave if their survival needs are not met, and they stay if it is, then you can fall into the trap of thinking that you just need to provide survival needs and she will stay with you.

That's not the case in real life. Women get turned on or off by a lot of irrational stuff. Chasing someone whose playing hard to get, chasing guys who mistreat them, making up a story in their head that the next guy is so much better for them than this one(when the next guy is a PUA) are all irrational and go against survival. 

There are countless cases of this, and values mis match is one of them.

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2 hours ago, electroBeam said:

 

That's not the case in real life. Women get turned on or off by a lot of irrational stuff. Chasing someone whose playing hard to get, chasing guys who mistreat them, making up a story in their head that the next guy is so much better for them than this one(when the next guy is a PUA) are all irrational and go against survival. 

Hey mate, You've a very clear logical way of looking at life. I like that. That's very important for folks to cultivate. I completely agree with whatever you say here regarding women. They can make a lot of irrational decisions when it comes to falling in love because they use feelings rather than the head and there lies the trouble. And sometimes feelings are sneaky..

But not all women are this way. There are many wonderful logical sophisticated women out there for you to date and a have a great future with. Do not be discouraged by people telling you stuff about sex and this and that. That's not even true. If a woman is truly happy with you, she doesn't need all this sex god stuff. 

The woman that you are with is irrational.. I've seen a lot of Latin American women like that, they can date losers and call him a great guy.. A Latin American woman I know has 2 baby daddies, you know that kind of stuff where they date guys from prison and so on. 

So leave that woman who is only using you and not ready to build a life with you. It's not even about value mismatch. She is just not your type. She doesn't see your potential. So maybe she can be happy with a loser in her future. 

You need to focus on your career and search for other wonderful smart women preferably in America where you wish to move or any other place where you want to continue your career and find your ultimate soulmate. 

But always look for a woman ready to build a life with you or else she will be some toxic woman just playing games. And that's not good for your life.. 

Good luck and have a great life. 

 

 

 

 

 


I don't reply to mean comments. I don't talk to mean people. 

Hit the ignore button if you don't like me. 

 

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12 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

This is good stuff. Though the comments have a different flavor, I don't think you're in much disagreement.

(I just hope you seek the same qualities of confidence, responsibility, purpose, attunement and care in women - only then, in my opinion, the couple can find a joined purpose and "leadership" can be relaxed into a deep respect for each others' individual selves.)

 

I don't know if I understood you right when you say "the comments have a different flavor". 

Yes, I think those qualities are important in women too, you're right. Maybe this whole idea of men having to embody masculine polarity and women feminine is a bit too black/white. However, I've found that neither always acting like a people pleaser (afraid to say what I want and assert myself), nor being the macho type @electroBeam is thinking of when we speak about dominance, leads to a happy relationship. In both cases, attraction starts fading. 

12 hours ago, electroBeam said:

Well that's no quite true because I wrote in my original post that I told her that I'm not touching her after the breakup. 

Well you might be right, maybe all I need to do is act more confident and assertive in the relationship and magically everything will resolve... but I don't see how that solves everything. 

Well I'm being as dominant as I possibly can now(I've basically told her im not touching her, and I'm free to talk and support her with the breakup verbally over the phone to help her get over it, but I'm going to focus my life on my career and social network rather than the stuff she wants me to do). This hasn't changed anything by the way. Shes a bit sad about me cutting things off further, but deep down she thinks its the best strategy. You might say "you're not being dominant enough because you're still supporting her - be a macho asshole and cut her off completely, then she will respect you more" but I know that's not going to happen, if anything that's just going to make her hurt, feel reject and angry. I really dont believe you should be an asshole for the sake of machoness. And I don't want to do it for the sake of her future relationships as Well. She doesn't deserve to be hurt. I don't see how thinking this way is a dominant problem. Reminds me of business people who tell me that only assholes make lots of money in business because business is cut throat - yet they forget about social impact companies that are successful.

@electroBeam The responsibility in a relationship is always 50/50. I don't agree with those who say that responsibility is the task of the man. Don't think that you have acted wrong and that's why she's not attracted anymore. IMO What she's proposing and expecting from you is definitely not healthy for any of you.

What I was pointing out in my last reply is that I get the sense that you think of dominance like being an asshole, macho-type, neglecting, etc. That's not the kind of dominance I'm talking about, and actually that usually stems from deep insecurity. It's like a compensation for the inner insecurity. They are usually afraid of commitment. Sure, this may be attractive to some women, especially when they first get to know you, but it usually ends badly because deep-down, no one wants to be treated like that. 

As I said, healthy dominance (the kind which IME is attractive to women) is when you have a personal purpose but also a purpose for the relationship (not neglecting one for the other), you know what you want, you feel confident and take responsibility for your part (this means being aware of your triggers and not blaming the other person each time you have a conflict).

At the same time, it means being there to offer comfort when she needs it, which is the opposite of what a typical asshole does. How I understand healthy relationships is like a dance between polarities, not being afraid to be vulnerable and at the same time being able to provide a sense of safety and groundedness.

So, as you see, if we think of it in terms of polarities, it's an integration of both, your feminine and your masculine side. Very different from an asshole, macho-type, who's not being authentic and putting on a mask of excessive masculinity, afraid of his vulnerable side. 

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@Farnaby I understand your version of dominance, but the dominance expressed in most PUA and by whoyouare is the macho type of dominance. Its a type of controlling dominance, where you need to get the other person to do what you want. Logistics, leading, isolation, it's all by definition manipulating a woman to do what you want. Some girls like this, but it's unhealthy because the woman is suppressed and not able to express her freedom, desires and views. Sometimes it is healthy, for example when you're having sex. But apart from sex I don't find it healthy to be controlling. Heck even in sex it's better to be mutual. I guess I just don't see controlling as a valuable strategy in general.

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@electroBeam Yes, I agree. I don't think what they suggest is useful if you want a happy relationship in the long-run. The lesser the masks you put on, the better IMO.

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@electroBeam Hi ElectroBeam, I thought about posting in this topic to help you out but it didn't feel quite right until now. I feel like I can offer you something special, so I encourage you to take in whatever I am about to write next. :)

In every relationship, since we have been mostly conditioned in paradigms of either I win and you lose, or you lose and I win, there tends to be a struggle for control/dominance. This can play out in various ways, as you have described your relationship with your work and its changing role within the relationship, or her desire to stay intimate without sexuality and overall relationship commitment. It is as if both partners were taking turns in whoever has the control.

The hallucination of this comes to an end when you realize that any control over any person can only be imaginary. This inevitably comes with facing the emotional wounding within us that erupts when we are finally mature enough to realize and admit that we have no control, and it is out of sheer free will of our partner that they are agreeing to our terms of the relationship.

And here you are, in the stage of a relationship where control has become a toxic component and it seems as if you are playing a hot potato game with it taking turns in whoever gets their way. There can be no end to this as long as you are playing this game. 
In your case, it seems to be the case that your area where the struggle to let go of control is being hindered by the fear of losing the relationship. In this way, you are giving your power away to her saying 'you are the source of my fulfillment and emotional freedom, and I cannot imagine being completely autonomous within this domain'. Her response (while most likely is subconscious one) is a refusal to play this role for you for it would hinder your ability to be completely autonomous and sovereign in your emotional freedom. In simple terms, you have given your power away to your partner, and she is on a subconscious level trying to say - I don't want this, I don't own it.

The other part of this unfortunate dynamic is the stage that your partner seems to be in, and that is the unwillingness to let go of you completely as of now merely mirroring to you your compliance of denial of personal needs and desire in favour of the promise of keeping your partner around. However you can only find your way into resolution and clarity by letting go. LEtting go doesn't necessarily mean the ending of the relationship, it merely means greater dedication to the emotional needs of you and your partner, in any scenario that would involve splitting up or staying together.

I recently channeled some writing in this thread called 'the importance of letting go in relationships'... or something like that :D I encourage you to give it a read, as that can be wonderfully applied to your situation.

Wishing you best of luck and a brisk resolution of your troubles. 

Edit: To make this practical, you simply need a permission to fully say no to whatever doesn't feel good and stifling in the relationship.
No thank you. I love you very much, but this isn't something I am willing to go through. If that is something you insist on, then we might have to part ways. I am very sorry but I cannot deny the way that I feel. I can only respect the emotions and needs within me.

Edited by Martin123

Join this monthly gathering to be the resolution to the world's troubles, and not another person that perceives a reality as a project that needs constant fixing.

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15 hours ago, electroBeam said:

So what was the problem then? What you think if you find a guy who has amazing sex, supports you financially, takes you out to dinner and holidays, that you will 100% be happy?

It's completely backwards. It's not rational and a girl is never thinking oh I choose this because it's gonna make me happy.

The sex is good BECAUSE there is a value gain on her part.

The financial support, taking her out on dinner or vacation does nothing.

If she likes you, financial support is gonna be nice and if she sees no value in you it's gonna be creepy like oh he's trying to buy me what a looser.

15 hours ago, electroBeam said:

What if this guy loves football, thinks spirituality is delusional, and loves making money and hates gays? That doesn't matter so long as he provides your survival needs?

Exactly the same.

If she likes you it doesn't matter ! She's gonna rationalize it! Plenty of people hate gays and they have loving wifes :D

If she likes you she's just gonna think : " oh he's so cute when he's watching footbal", "great I love someone who is ambitious and wants to make a lot of money" "yeah whatever gays aren't great anyways"

Yes she won't care. How she views that will be based on whatever she feels and the value she sees in you.

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1 hour ago, Keyhole said:

I wouldn't listen to too many on here on how to be dominant with women.  This is a natural proclivity certain men have and both parties can only cultivate it by doing spiritual/emotional work - because there is a mutual transference of energy.  Both partners agree to it and mentally and emotionally "sync" up and work together like a machine.  If you're naturally meant to be dominant, then that will be expressed through your energy when you awaken, if you're not - then sex alone can't make up for it.  Women who are not in tune with themselves will settle for a man who understands dominance at the bedroom level.

Same with the woman, if she is not naturally submissive, then the dynamic won't work.
If you're not a wolf, then you're not a wolf.

Do you mean that each one has different tendencies, some leaning more towards the dominant end of the spectrum and some are naturally less dominant? You're probably right. Don't you think there's also a lot of conditioning built upon that natural proclivity that may be interfering with your natural expression? I'm thinking of someone who may have been judged or shamed (explicitly or implicitly) for their natural tendency and in order to not feel that again keeps that part repressed. I guess it's really hard to 100% know how much of our behavior and feelings is natural and how much has been conditioned. 

IME, depending on how I'm feeling and who I am with, different polarities manifest. 

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The reasons are in your life situation and only you can figure out best why it occurred. Use this as an opportunity to start anew and grow. If you refuse to, you will keep making the same mistakes and always wonder why did it pan out the way it did. Only later, after trying many times will you see where you fucked up. But not until you move away from it. 

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@Lynnel Well the biggest reason why our relationship didn't work is because she really loved music(was passionate about it) and I wasn't. And she couldn't talk to me or connect with me about deep, meaningful music. She was also into health, deeply passionate about it, and she couldn't explore that with me. I couldn't explore psychedelics and spirituality with her, so we grew apart.

A lack of common interests makes the relationship get boring, and because the other person doesn't share an understanding and passion for your interests and values, you loose that sense of connection.

Maybe you're just a very easy going person who can tolerate anyone whose healthy. After reflection, the thing that drove us apart was this. We couldn't share a life together.

I could never data someone who is into football, I would resent their stupidity. 

Martin, that's great advice! thanks!

Edited by electroBeam

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@electroBeam
Didn't read through all the comments but honestly dude just get rid of her. No matter what would happen from now on, even if she kinda gave in to what you want for a short amount of time in the end it would end up toxic either way, especially since she is not a spiritual person you can't really expect her to change that radically and so I would really encourage you to just move on. Learn the lessons that come with the pain of seperation, do the work on yourself just improve your frequency and you'll attract somebody way better next time.

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