bmcnicho

New Girlfriend With Severe Depression

31 posts in this topic

Lol, sounds like we're all dating the same girl :D


"Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself." -- Rumi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@bmcnicho should be a sign for you, beware of all the projections of toxic relationships in this thread. it’s in a sense interesting of how all the scapegoating works, should show where toxicity in relationships sometimes is completely pushed towards one of both parts.

if you have a connection to her and feel attracted to her, maybe it’s a sign that exactly there is an issue you can grow on and work on yourself or you let it play out toxic, denying your denial in the end. i‘d trust in my belly feeling, if you can not handle it you will probably withdraw anyways if you don’t the alarm bells should at least ring afterwards. but to drop it because some guys who walk around with an alarm bell on their heads tell you, would be the fast easy and scapegoating way. will not grow you on your emotions - i‘d figure out what it really is that draws you to her and if it works with you both or not - if it doesn’t fit, of course, why invest energy?

Edited by remember

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@remember I agree with some of what you said, and I’d put it in another way: 

I watched a documentary those days that talks about that, sometimes we think we are in love or feeling the “passion” but it’s just our body telling us to get out of that situation, when we see the person we received a rush of adrenaline which is mistaken by love and “butterflies in the stomach”.

my deepest relationships and the more abusive ones were coincidentally the ones where there was more sexual attraction. 

This video from Matt Kahn talks about the differences of soul mate and twin flame, soul mates are calm and bring us thr feeling of safety, they do not cause the chemicals of our body to go crazy. 

 

Edited by MsNobody

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Shakespeare

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the thoughtful responses eveyone! There's some good information in this thread!

Update: She had a suicide attempt about a week and a half ago.  She seems to be doing a lot better now.  She's now open to getting help, but still hesitant.  I've learned that her family situation is pretty rough, and that it's contributed a lot to these issues.

We've gotten a lot closer over the past month.  She really is very sweet, caring and accepting despite her mental health issues.  I really want to make this work but am starting to understand that it might be necessary to step away

@Leo Gura Thanks for your insights on this topic!  I'll keep that in mind as I move forward.  At a certain point I might have to accept that there isn't gonna be a way to make things work.

@remember That's important to keep in mind as well.  Individual situations are distinct, so our judgement shouldn't be clouded by trying to fit a story to some abstract stereotype of "the toxic relationship".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@LordFall You bring up a good question which I'll need to devote some serious contemplation to.  What is it about me that attracts and is attracted to girls with mental health issues?  This has happened to me before, but in the past it was much less severe.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I find this thread pretty wholesome xD 

After following Leo's content for like 3-4 years, I'm trying to see like the Low Vibration Energy pattern first ( before even like getting to know her, like her past relationships, what she thinks of them, etc) and if she says something like my last boyfriend was a drug addict and  he abused me so I broke up with him, Then I slowly stand up, look the way and naruto RUN away from her. ;)

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Keyhole She had a knife to her throat and said she almost did it.  I don't know if that technically qualifies as an attempt.

I don't know if I want to be a hero, but I would like the opportunity to help someone.  I wouldn't call myself dead inside, although I have had some nihilistic phases.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

in my point of veiw i would suggest you to be patience with her she might be insecure about you just handle her with love and care 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd like to give you this on your way:

Being drawn to such a personality (be it male or female) in most cases has to do with a pattern you have. This pattern also most of the times comes from childhood experiences. So advices like "leave her" are idle as long as you do not resolve the pattern into a healthier one and this can only be done in identifying the pattern. Identifying it means you are drawn to people that bring that pattern up in you and "help" you to see it. Once the pattern is identified a lot of times one needs external help to get rid of the pattern and get things clear (because there is a lot of resistance in wanting to see and dissolve it).

My personal experience is that apparently I needed a "hard core" training to let go of my deep urge to rescue other people (especially partners). I just finished a 2,5 years relationship with a man that had been deeply traumatized in his childhood (violence, no security at home, emotional abuse, a sadist mother).

Heaven in the relationship was (about 5-10 % of the time): I had a deeply loving relationship with him. Being able to live forms of sexuality and a level of intimacy that I had never dreamed of before. It healed a lot of wounds in me and changed a lot of things to the better in my body.

Hell was: He could not cope with me seeing other people, tried to control me, little things triggered him and put him in states of dissociation. And he blamed me (not openly, but with undertones) a lot of times for his emotions. After a certain time (I can't even recall when it started) my body went into panic-mode and stayed there even when he was not around. I lost a lot of energy in this relationship and tried so much to help him get out of his terrible states of permanent fear, insecurity and negative thinking (the whole world is hostile for him).

Good was: I learned a hell of a lot about trauma, which helped me a lot to deal with it when encountering it in clients as a sex therapist. I think I could really step out of my pattern wanting to take too much responsibility for other people. I feel that my energy has definitely changed and it feels good. In general I can be in an energy of benevolent compassion but can leave the responsibility where it belongs to. I feel that this attitude is much more respectful towards other people.

The game changers for me were "systemic constellation work" and group-sessions with psychedelics.

Last december I realized that my relationship with that man was a restaging of my situation with my father who was bipolar. I remember that I was deeply torn apart when I was 19 and my father was laying in bed crying for hours. I wanted to live, go out, have fun. But how could I? A loose-loose-situation. Leaving him felt like betraying him. Not going out felt like betraying myself. I decided to leave him. It was a very healthy decision, but left me with a lifelong (unconscious) bad conscience. So finally I meet this man and try to make it up to my father in choosing to stay and not leave him, despite all the difficulties and challenges. I felt like I wanted to be loyal (this time).

After this connection got clear it took me another 7 months to quit the relationship, despite the fact that I still love him. It was and is very painful on different levels. But it feels right and my life feels much better now, although I still miss the heaven-part in our connection.

Good luck on your path, wherever it may lead you!

Edited by Budleia Switzerland

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 20.9.2019 at 4:13 PM, MsNobody said:

@remember I agree with some of what you said, and I’d put it in another way: 

I watched a documentary those days that talks about that, sometimes we think we are in love or feeling the “passion” but it’s just our body telling us to get out of that situation, when we see the person we received a rush of adrenaline which is mistaken by love and “butterflies in the stomach”.

my deepest relationships and the more abusive ones were coincidentally the ones where there was more sexual attraction. 

This video from Matt Kahn talks about the differences of soul mate and twin flame, soul mates are calm and bring us thr feeling of safety, they do not cause the chemicals of our body to go crazy. 

 

Thanks for posting. One of the most powerful sentences I find in there is: "There is NO "we're going to work on accepting what is" in TOXICITY!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now