Introversion or delusion?

[Knock]

I worry I may have created a fixed mindset in my social needs.

I have constructed this belief that I am an introvert and I don’t need to spend much time socialising. My social skills are definitely below average. I have convinced myself that it is simply not a priority for me, that my strengths and time are better spent in other areas. I have all sorts of justifications for this belief; I enjoy my own company, I am a deep thinker that enjoys contemplation, I get overstimulated easily, etc.

Is this an avoidance strategy? Am I self-deluding myself so I can sit in my comfort zone? Is anyone else feeling this too?

[Gili Trawangan]

Geez, I was just thinking about this same thing today. It dawned on me today, I hadn't been thinking about it at all before! Synchronicity, haha

I can't help you, I have the EXACT same concern. I keep wondering if connection with others is really a deep need and something to aspire to, or if connection with the universe (not necessarily through people) is enough.

Most of the time I tell myself that this is a phase and that the desire to connect will eventually come, but it might be self-deception, because the more time one spends alone the more comfortable it becomes.

[XYZ]

3 hours ago, Knock said:

I have convinced myself

It may be a Sour Grapes rationalization to stay in your comfort zone. I can't tell you.

I can offer my own experiences. I had always wanted to be hanging out with lots of friends and go out with women, but this was just fantasy, and seeing other people having fun socializing and thinking I want to be like that. But I have gotten to socialize somewhat, hang out with friends and go on dates, and found that it was a lot less fun than I imagined.

As I've gotten older socializing became more unfulfilling for me, while at the same time I felt happier and happier being by myself. In fact what I'm at my happiest is when I get to be at home alone, or going for a walk in the suburbs seeing a long stretch of empty sidewalk ahead of me.

That's not so say that I'm antisocial or that I can't enjoy being around people and talking to people. Introversion/Extroversion is a false dichotomy, or an un-necessary duality, need not label yourself those things. I'd recommend testing most extremes, spend lots of time alone at home, and outside away from people, also go to parties, social events, hang out with friends, meet women. You may be truly happiest by yourself, and totally fine not talking to anyone all day, and still enjoy socializing sometimes.

Being in your true nature will make you more authentic and less needy regardless. I'm happy to spend most days barely talking to anyone, can be quite blissful. Yet I have a lot more fun when I occasionally commune with people now than when I was trying to validate myself through social approval, and alleviate a feeling of loneliness. 

[JustThinkingAloud]

Each to their own, all that matters is that it makes you happy. 

[ajasatya]

@Knock I am also an introvert but there is no reason to dislike the company of others. Enjoy your own company and enjoy the company of others. Why not? What are you scared of?

[Gili Trawangan]

4 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

@Knock I am also an introvert but there is no reason to dislike the company of others. Enjoy your own company and enjoy the company of others. Why not? What are you scared of?

@ajasatya I don't want to speak for the OP, but after a habit is strengthened, to become more social takes work. And work takes motivation.

To enjoy the company of others one must first put himself in the position of being able to meet others in a social gathering. And to go to social gatherings one must want to do it, otherwise it doesn't happen in the first place. This is the situation I find myself in at the moment... no real desire to meet others, but a nagging sensation that I might miss out on it if the situation continues as is. I suspect that @Knock feels the same way? 

[Knock]

24 minutes ago, Gili Trawangan said:

@ajasatya I don't want to speak for the OP, but after a habit is strengthened, to become more social takes work. And work takes motivation.

To enjoy the company of others one must first put himself in the position of being able to meet others in a social gathering. And to go to social gatherings one must want to do it, otherwise it doesn't happen in the first place. This is the situation I find myself in at the moment... no real desire to meet others, but a nagging sensation that I might miss out on it if the situation continues as is. I suspect that @Knock feels the same way? 

Spot on there @Gili Trawangan

I feel I won’t be well rounded and fully developed if I remain at the same level of socialisation I am currently participating in. But there is also a lack of motivation to do so (is this fear? Comfort? Personality?).

I am thinking of it in terms of the ‘development wheel’ that some coaches use, referring to working on all lines of development for a stable and fulfilling life. (i.e If the wheel is unbalanced, you are not going to get very far).

 

Edited July 13, 2019 by Knock

[Shin]

The only real and clear difference between introvert and extrovert is how your energy is spent and recovered.
 

For an introvert, you lose energy when you socialize or do activities that are highly stimulating emotionally/intellectually wise, and you gain energy by spending time alone.

For an extrovert, you lose energy when you stay alone or do activities that aren't stimulating you emotionally/intellectually wise, and you gain energy by spending time with people.

 

Introvert process automatically everything they perceive, so if there is too much stimulations, it drains them.

Extrovert process sequentially everything they perceive, so there is no such things as too much stimulations for them.
 

So, considering that, it's not so much that introverts don't need social interaction, they do like everybody else
It's just that they need less of it, and they prefer having close friends instead of lots of acquaintances.

They prefer small gathering with people they already know (less energy draining), than meeting new people in crowded places with lots of visual/auditive stimulations.

In the end, you're still a human being, very close to a chimp, and every chimps needs to connect with some other chimps

[Farnaby]

14 hours ago, Knock said:

I worry I may have created a fixed mindset in my social needs.

I have constructed this belief that I am an introvert and I don’t need to spend much time socialising. My social skills are definitely below average. I have convinced myself that it is simply not a priority for me, that my strengths and time are better spent in other areas. I have all sorts of justifications for this belief; I enjoy my own company, I am a deep thinker that enjoys contemplation, I get overstimulated easily, etc.

Is this an avoidance strategy? Am I self-deluding myself so I can sit in my comfort zone? Is anyone else feeling this too?

@Knock That's a really good question I have asked myself many times, not only in regards to socializing but also other decisions in life. I think there is no right or absolute answer to this, so it all depends on your subjective experience. 

I would suggest trying out different things and going out of your comfort zone from time to time. When you do so, pay attention to how you feel before, during and after these experiences and this will give you important information about how much stimulation you need, how much time alone, etc. 

There's nothing wrong with being more of an introvert type, but don't forget your need for socialization, since it's a basic human need. You don't need to go to a party to meet these needs if you don't like parties. Having a beer or watching a movie with a friend may be enough for you and resonate better with your personality. 

 

[universe]

Interesting question.

From a distance its hard to give you a clear answer.

What I experienced is, that if you can release all your needs that you bring into a conversation. You wont be draining so much energy. Actually now I feel more energetic after socializing. If you are constantly trying to please everyone and need validation from them. And you have to think about what you want to say etc. it takes a lot of energy.

Also it depends on the people. With the right kind of people that you have common interests with it can be really fun. You can learn some social skills to increase the likelihood of having these conversations.

[Rilles]

watch this... you might relate

[Moreira]

If you never socialize and invent your convictions is bad. But if you force youyrself to socialize and see that you dont get anything good, why would you keep on doing?

We born with tendency to introversion and you cant change it. Its  asurvival mechanism, the thing is we live in  a society that labels as bad being introverted, but its not bad.

[Shin]

 

It's also a spectrum, so even if you're an introvert, you could be near the middle and still need quite a lot of socialization.

 

 

 

 

 

https://keydifferences.com/difference-between-introvert-and-extrovert.html

 

 

 

Edited July 14, 2019 by Shin

[Ibn Sina]

On 7/13/2019 at 9:40 AM, Knock said:

I have constructed this belief that I am an introvert and I don’t need to spend much time socialising. My social skills are definitely below average. I have convinced myself that it is simply not a priority for me, that my strengths and time are better spent in other areas. I have all sorts of justifications for this belief; I enjoy my own company, I am a deep thinker that enjoys contemplation, I get overstimulated easily, etc.

Is this an avoidance strategy?

It's like you are worrying about being an introvert.  Saying things like- I constructed ____.  Blaming yourself for your introversion

You say- My social skills are definitely below average. I have convinced myself that it is simply not a priority for me.

Again, it's like you think you have done something wrong, your social skill is below average so there  is something wrong with me.

Leo's Self deception vids (due to people misunderstanding) has created this problem where it's now not okay to act in accordance with natural impulses and desires as they come naturally comes and go, always there is the ghost of self deception hanging above it.

Osho gives emphasis on living existentially, just live in the moment, whatsovever happens happen, do whatever the moment demands. He would say " You have prepared your questions, but I have not prepared my answers"

Just live authentically, if your impulses don't want socializing it's okay, if it wants , it's okay. Go with it. There is nothing wrong with how you are acting naturally and spontaneously. 

That is not avoidance strategy or mental diseases, that's just God expressing through you.

 

Edited July 14, 2019 by Ibn Sina

[Knock]

Thank you everyone for your answers.

I guess I am finding it hard to accept my natural tendencies to frequently seek solitude.

I have always wanted to be more charismatic, and hence force myself to socialise a lot more than what’s comfortable for me. When I don’t socialise often, although I feel content, my social skills start to diminish.

Is the answer to simply accept that social mastery is not aligned with my natural inclinations, and to be okay with that? I hope that is not the case, I have always envisioned myself to one day be like Tony Robbins.

[Shin]

12 minutes ago, Knock said:

Thank you everyone for your answers.

I guess I am finding it hard to accept my natural tendencies to frequently seek solitude.

I have always wanted to be more charismatic, and hence force myself to socialise a lot more than what’s comfortable for me. When I don’t socialise often, although I feel content, my social skills start to diminish.

Is the answer to simply accept that social mastery is not aligned with my natural inclinations, and to be okay with that? I hope that is not the case, I have always envisioned myself to one day be like Tony Robbins.

Well, you could.
The question is, why ?

You could have a life purpose in which you would need to be very charismatic and social.
And it's not because you're introvert that you could do it, it would just require more planning and smart decision making to manage your energy.

Now if it's just because it's what society filled your mind with, as in you have to in order to be successfull and to be happy
That's totally different, and will always stay in conflicts in your subconscious.

[Gili Trawangan]

I used to think that I wanted to be very social and charismatic, and had a taste of it many years ago during my university years. I worked on it deliberately and got the results. It was fun, no doubt. But nowadays it's not worth the effort for me personally.

But for you, if social mastery is what you want, then there's your answer, just work on it even if you don't feel like it. Social skills are just like any other skill, you have to work on it to get good at it. Of course for some people that skill comes more easily than for others, but anybody can get good at it. It's like going to the gym, if you stop going for a while you lose some of the strength you'd gained before, that's why you lose social skills the less you socialize. It's a muscle.

I go to the gym twice a week because I want to be healthy and in good shape. But every single time I go I have to push myself to do it, I have to remind myself of the goal. That's what you should do with socializing, remember your goal and push yourself.

[JustThinkingAloud]

You can be who you want to be if you put the effort into it. If it’s really important to you to be like Tony Robins, you can. And yes, it takes work, time, energy that you take away from other projects that you might have. It really depends on how much you want it and whether you are prepared to put a lot of effort into it.

Another thing is whether you personally have a problem with your solitude. Sometimes, the society can put a pressure on us to be certain way, I don’t agree with that. It’s up to you and you should be the one that decides who you want to be or accept who you have become.

Have you also tried to see the benefits of being the way you are? Introverts are great listeners, they have a calming effect, they are big thinkers, they are reliable and consistent etc