3 months fwb probably done, got me fucked up

[Emerald]

On 5/27/2019 at 4:18 PM, flowboy said:

I always find it hilarious when women think they know something about game, just because they're a woman.

It's like thinking you're a good salesperson, because you've made a few purchases.

Men are the purchasers and women are the sales-people in this metaphor. And that's why the insistence that you know is very frustrating. 

You think you know about women because you've had a handful of interactions with them. But you've never been behind the counter of the store. I've been in this vehicle for 30 years, and been getting male attention for 18 of it. I know a thing or two about it.

But you maybe have read a few books, listened to some videos by dudes online, and had a few interactions with women and you think you just know better.

 

[whoareyou]

25 minutes ago, Emerald said:

So, probably just totally overlook the more obvious reason that you'd be able to see much more clearly if you weren't so learn-ed about what women want and don't want. Like I said, if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck... then it probably is just a really weird goose with a vocal chord problem. Sounds like a good bet. 

Also, can you point out the neediness in the text? I literally cannot see it. It just seems like a normal text. Like, he's not writing huge paragraphs or saying anything weird. What are you picking up on, that I am not. And I know what neediness in a man looks like. It's really uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of it. And this would not ping on my radar as needy, AT ALL.

Now, if his vibe is needy in person, that's a different story. But none of that's conveyed in the text. Seems pretty normal.

I think it's one of those situations like women who think men are not going to be attracted to them because of some small flaw that no man would notice. And they notice it on other women too. For example... imperfect eyebrows. 

This text is the imperfect eyebrows of texts. Women aren't going to notice anything weird about it. But men are somehow hyper-tuned into it because they've learned to hyper-focus on neediness because of what they've learned and been empowered by. So, everything looks like a nail when you only have a hammer.

If any ladies on the forum can help me out here, I'd appreciate it because the guys here are really not believing what I'm saying. What would your impression be if you were FWB with a guy and he took you to an RSD event? Would you think he was interested in anything serious? Also, do you see anything needy about the OP's text?

Also, do you think the OP's girlfriend went cold because of the neediness conveyed in the text (and presumably out) or because the guy brought her to an RSD event and didn't make it clear that he's interested in her? Or perhaps some other reason like just wanting an FWB and not anything more serious? 

 

She didn't went cold on him because of just neediness in the text. Neediness in the text is the byproduct of his overall neediness. If he is needy in person with her, he will also be needy in text.

His first text + her 2 responses: You can clearly see that in the previous texts he went needy in texting, waiting for her to respond, that she had point to him out why she didn't respond.

2nd text: He is supplicating to her.

4th text: He is supplicating to her.

I can feel the overall vibe of the texts based on what he wrote in the thread. To those that don't get it, it will be very hard to explain to, just like trying to explain non-duality to a person who never had a glimpse. Because you never been in that situation before and never will (you are a woman), it will be very hard for you to fully understand this.

When I saw the pictures, I wasn't particular focused on "neediness". I read the texts and without giving it any thought, that was the vibe that I felt immediately. It's like a clear knowing.

[Toby]

#1 pickup myth: you can control how a woman reacts by your mental/emotional state. She is not allowed to make her own decisions. If she is not interested it's not because she is just not interested, it's because of your state and behavior.

[Shin]

I don't even understand.

Why not buy a wife from China ?

Problem solved ...

[flowboy]

8 hours ago, Emerald said:

Also, can you point out the neediness in the text? I literally cannot see it. It just seems like a normal text.

@Emerald You have to learn to read between the lines. This comes with experience of having been in those situations many times. So it's not strange that you can't see it, it's strange that you assume that that means it's not there.

As I said before, her texts show many not subtle responses to neediness. I will refer you to the post I made about that on the previous page.

[flowboy]

8 hours ago, Emerald said:

Men are the purchasers and women are the sales-people in this metaphor.

Wrong, men are the salespeople and women are the purchasers in this metaphor.

Are you deliberately misunderstanding me?

That's why a customer can tell you all about what it feels like coming to your store, but if you ask them what would make them buy, they would give very incorrect answers. Mainstream myths they like to believe about themselves, and never had to confront, mostly. Because people generally don't know what "works" on them. Unless they've been the salesperson, and had to confront all their incorrect beliefs.

Similarly, your female perspective can tell us how certain things a pursuer does would feel (maybe, still a projection), but this perspective is quite useless for determining what the pursuer should have done. Which is what we're discussing here.

People are generally bad at predicting their own behaviour.

So, sorry to say, but being pursued doesn't give you expertise in being a pursuer.

Go hit on twenty women and get them to sleep with you, @Emerald , and then you would have some experience and there's a chance that you see what we're talking about here.

I've never picked up a man, so I don't claim that I know how to do it. Even though it's happened to me.

If some girl would ask me point blank how to get me, I would give very incorrect answers (be nice? be supportive of my mission? be interested?) and when I listen about pickup advice for women, I'm kind of appalled to hear what would actually work on men. But I don't discredit it, because it's not my area. I have no experience there. Get it?

Edited May 29, 2019 by flowboy

[Emerald]

8 hours ago, Toby said:

#1 pickup myth: you can control how a woman reacts by your mental/emotional state. She is not allowed to make her own decisions. If she is not interested it's not because she is just not interested, it's because of your state and behavior.

Exactly

[Emerald]

6 hours ago, flowboy said:

@Emerald You have to learn to read between the lines. This comes with experience of having been in those situations many times. So it's not strange that you can't see it, it's strange that you assume that that means it's not there.

As I said before, her texts show many not subtle responses to neediness. I will refer you to the post I made about that on the previous page.

I have been in these situations many times... as the needy one and as the pursued. 

[Nahm]

On 5/14/2019 at 9:21 PM, SageModeAustin said:

but what’s really fucking me the most is..I could’ve done better. I knew better. I could’ve been less needy, I could’ve been more charismatic and charming

Take it easy on yourself. How do you suppose we experience & learn? Just like this. You just got attached, forgot your own awesomeness, and your own experience. It’s not easy to learn. It’s “sage school” if you will. It works perfectly.  You’ll be Happy with anyone, or no one, cause you are you. 

[SageModeAustin]

You guys were both right. 
@Emerald @flowboy 
ALSO, there was times when I was more open with my communication that flowboy would indicate as"neediness" that made things much much better between us. Especially since she's very insecure she misinterprets everything within her own reality, so communication is very important even if it seems needy or whatever. It's like yin/yang and all this RSD shit aren't rules they are guidelines.Hell, you can be needy sometimes and it will work out better for you than not in certain situations

So basically the first two months she was very into me, pursuing me, ditching other guys for me, etc. Then once we built an emotional connection and things started getting more serious (meeting her mom, sleeping over more, her making me dinner, watching movies together, getting dinner, basically what girlfriend/boyfriend would do, I began to get a bit more needy. I tried hiding it, but this just fucked me up even more. The neediness caused her to lose some attraction.I didn't remain grounded with who I was, lost sight of me and boom done. Now she hates me. She ended it yesterday. Lasted 4 months. 

Edited May 30, 2019 by SageModeAustin

[SageModeAustin]

Honestly im just so mad at how I knew/read about all the things that I did wrong. Like really, really fucking mad. I lost my chance with a girl I really digged due to my incompetencies. 

[Emerald]

15 minutes ago, SageModeAustin said:

Honestly im just so mad at how I knew/read about all the things that I did wrong. Like really, really fucking mad. I lost my chance with a girl I really digged due to my incompetencies. 

Yeah. It's really not a good idea to bring a girl (especially a girl who's been cheated on) to an RSD event. It will absolutely read to her like a "fuck lots of girls tour." I think a lot of pick up things tend to lead toward over-education to where you can't see the forest for the trees. This feels like it should be pretty obvious. Not trying to take a jab, but it is just how most women would interpret that, especially one with trauma around that type of thing.

But I can also see the neediness in the recent text. You should have told her this in person. You would probably see more of her pain and gotten more out of her emotionally. But with text, she was more able to put on the bitch disguise as a defense.

She may have been interested in you before, but then when you brought up the RSD stuff she started projecting ulterior motives onto you from her past experiences. And she started seeing you as a manipulator and player because of her projection. Now, I don't think that's true, as you seem very sincere. But women aren't used to men being sincere in the dating world because everyone's always running game, and she doesn't want to make the same mistake and get retraumatized.

Also, when women see a guy that's into RSD or pick up, they might project more power onto them in the situation than they actually have, most of the time. So, they think of you as an Incubus of a guy who has no real emotions and just wants to fuck all the time and plays games to get it.

But in reality, you're just a normal guy who's trying to get some success with women... probably from the standpoint of not having much success before you were into RSD. And now you have real feelings for her in a genuine way.

But many women, especially those exposed to Tinder and the modern dating scene which is rife with entitled misogynists and fuck boys, won't see it as anything innocent because it feels antagonistic because of their past experiences. Because of this, a lot of women are disillusioned and either think and/or suspect that men aren't actually capable of having real deep feelings, and that it's secretly all about sex. So, a woman deep in the midst of this illusion will probably read your sincerity as a sneaky trick.

That's probably why she put on that front about not wanting you for anything else than fucking. Women get that objectifying treatment a lot and get similar things said to them. And since she's assuming that you're treating her that way, she wants to make you feel just as objectified and worthless as she does. She probably did like you originally though. 

To be honest, she's probably pretty disconnected from the part of her that can genuinely love, and that's why she goes for FWB relationship. I can't imagine the FWB set-up be in any way satisfying to women, who are generally more motivated by the emotional depth of the connection in sex as opposed to the physicality.

So, I tend to think most women who engage in those more casual situations are either experimenting with their sexuality, polyamorous, or looking for intimacy without having to go to scarier more emotionally vulnerable parts of themselves. The latter being the most common. So, they settle for company and the physical experience of sex as it's safer than true vulnerability.

 

Edited May 30, 2019 by Emerald

[SageModeAustin]

 

 

@Emerald first of all I want to applaud you

for giving the best analysis I have ever read in my entire life. 

Secondly, there is no doubt she liked me in the beginning/middle of the relationship. Ive only shown you the worst parts of this relationship. 

Thirdly, I couldn’t have told her any of that in person because she ended it and there was nil chance of getting her to go out with me again. I even tried calling her once she ended it over text and she was not having it. 

Fourthly, I know taking her to the rsd thing was royally retarded, but my reasoning behind it was because I wanted to show her who I am. I should’ve owned up to it, but whatever. 

In conclusion, is there anyway I can talk to you over something more convenient like Facebook messenger? There’s just so much context to this. Maybe I can even pay you or something there’s lots I want to discuss like how to get over this and accept the situation

 

 

 

 

Edited May 30, 2019 by SageModeAustin

[flowboy]

We were so caught up in our cockfight about who's the most right in analyzing this situation.

Meanwhile, no one is addressing the actual problem@SageModeAustin has.

Which is, he's obsessing and self-flagellating over a person he's only dated for a few months.

It's actually not healthy that she means that much to you after such a short time. Believe me, I've been there two years ago. It's a telltale sign of one-itis and lack of sexual options.

Analyzing this to death won't help you, man. You're staying in that negative energy of focusing what you may have done wrong, while actually the ONLY thing you did wrong was not meeting more people, so you wouldn't have been so desperate and ungrounded.

And I've been enabling you. I'm sorry.

My advice to you is to stop obsessing over this immediately, as it's a huge drain on your energy, and start meeting new people.

There are no more valuable lessons to be learned by picking this apart even more.

At this point, you're procrastinating your next relationship by staying ADDICTED to the negativity of self-punishment.

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, flowboy said:

We were so caught up in our cockfight about who's the most right in analyzing this situation.

Meanwhile, no one is addressing the actual problem@SageModeAustin has.

Which is, he's obsessing and self-flagellating over a person he's only dated for a few months.

It's actually not healthy that she means that much to you after such a short time. Believe me, I've been there two years ago. It's a telltale sign of one-itis and lack of sexual options.

Analyzing this to death won't help you, man. You're staying in that negative energy of focusing what you may have done wrong, while actually the ONLY thing you did wrong was not meeting more people, so you wouldn't have been so desperate and ungrounded.

And I've been enabling you. I'm sorry.

My advice to you is to stop obsessing over this immediately, as it's a huge drain on your energy, and start meeting new people.

There are no more valuable lessons to be learned by picking this apart even more.

At this point, you're procrastinating your next relationship by staying ADDICTED to the negativity of self-punishment.

Kind of sounds like advice that might get him into the same predicament in the future with girls who have similar sensibilities about things... 

[Gili Trawangan]

2 hours ago, Emerald said:

Kind of sounds like advice that might get him into the same predicament in the future with girls who have similar sensibilities about things... 

Absolutely. That's putting it mildly.

I used to think like that too, just date more girls, have "abundance", that's what the pick-up jargon says. And it's true that it works to get you more sexual options. There's no arguing with that, pick-up will get a man laid if done correctly. But as you do that more and more it leads you further and further away from the possibility of developing a healthy relationship. I know because that happened to me. If what the OP wants is to get laid with many girls, by all means he can go ahead and take that advice, keep going to RSD and game girls. But if what the OP wants is a healthy relationship, he should start looking within into why he is always second guessing himself. What are the underlying issues that make him need "pick-up" skills? See, men who don't have psychological issues such as trauma or low self-esteem don't need to learn pick-up. The entire concept makes no sense to a well-rounded guy. "Why would I have to learn to attract women? I'm just the way I am and I naturally attract some women." Insecure guys go for pick-up because they don't have the inner confidence to attract women in the first place. It's this inner insecurity that needs to be addressed. OP needs to work on his self-esteem. Once that is sorted, he will stop agonizing about what he said wrong or what he didn't say to a particular girl.

[SageModeAustin]

How can I let go of this

I keep imagining what I could’ve done if I didn’t take her to the rsd tour and how she was so into me before that

 

Also I had other options, abundance advice is overrated 

[Shin]

2 minutes ago, SageModeAustin said:

How can I let go of this

I keep imagining what I could’ve done if I didn’t take her to the rsd tour and how she was so into me before that

 

Also I had other options, abundance advice is overrated 

If you had abundance you wouldn't care.

She is just one woman, there is literally 3 other billions of them.

Either way you win anyway, now you have more time to grow as a man.

Edited May 30, 2019 by Shin

[SageModeAustin]

@Shin i wouldn’t care if I had abundance? That’s such pickup garjin. I actually cared for this chick and had something and the rest was just hook-ups. Are you saying abundance in the sense of developing the same emotional connection level with all of them..then I wouldn’t care?? 

[Shin]

2 minutes ago, SageModeAustin said:

@Shin i wouldn’t care if I had abundance? That’s such pickup garjin. I actually cared for this chick and had something and the rest was just hook-ups. Are you saying abundance in the sense of developing the same emotional connection level with all of them..then I wouldn’t care?? 

Literally you wouldn't care.

Not that you wouldn't feel the loss, but you will learn from the mistake, suck it up and let the emotion go through you.

In a few days top you would be totally ok dating an another girl.

If it didn't work out with this girl that means you needed the learning experience, that's actually a good thing.