Where do I start?

[Paul92]

I know understand there is no 'me' or 'you'. It's pretty obvious. Which is hard for this body/mind, or whatever it is, to process. I'm in a complete meltdown again, and I've been looking for a way out. My doctor put me on anti depressants and I started taking them a few days ago and the anxiety and suicidal thoughts have just gone through the roof.

I was always someone who thrived off our individuality. On us being separate entities. I have said before I loved helping other people, because I wanted to make a difference to their absolute unique experience. Knowing that we can't possible be individuals, even though we feel like it, takes a lot of colour out of this existence, from this perspective.

I think I have to start the 'path'. Because it is the only hope I have left to enjoy whatever this is and not suffer. I am tired of suffering (though, before I realised the truth, I can't say I suffered as much) But my greatest realisation, above everything, is that there is no 'me'. Which, as I say, takes the colour out of the experience. Others on here might say that it makes the experience lighter, but at the moment, that is not how it seems for me.

So what do I have to do?

I try and be present but it is unbelievably difficult. Is this where I start?

Can anyone help me, please?

My ego heart is broken at the moment, as I ballsed up a relationship with a girl. After I realised that basically, I was falling for something that isn't real. But the pain is real. The thought of her with someone else is devastating, even though I know, it's not real!

Please, I really need help. I have a lot of questions.

[Aakash]

ahh dude, thats exactly how i started a path, and got onto leo's page, watch his video about breakups in which he said once its done, its done, it would be counter-productive for your growth if you went back because you would be repeating the same mistakes over again. 

but i feel ya, all you can really do is just sit with the pain and notice how your ego took control of the situation, don't blame yourself , just take 100% responsibility for your life and your actions, this way you don't become the victim of your tragedy. 

just keep doing the practice, it'll take your mind of the break-up. 

[Paul92]

@Aakash  Appreciate that. But you say, take 100% for my life. This isn't 'my' life, is it? 

[Aakash]

@Paul92 yeah i get that, just follow that hint, but still you are the one who's incontrolled in an unenlightened state, so i would just see the wisdom behind the words taking 100% responsibility for your life, this way your depression will go in a while. if your able to replay the scenarios and understand why the break up happened, it has less of an effect on you. for me it took me 1 years to heal from mines, but i'm better off for it. 

[Paul92]

@Aakash I know why it happened. I was in an emotional state questioning reality and severely depressed. I pushed her away because I didn't want to get attached to an illusion. But the memories still hurt because it was a wonderful experience, even though now I know it wasn't real.

I just want to know what I do next... I need guidance.

I read in a book of Zen is that enlightenment is realising that you are unique and perfect just as you are. But everyone on here says we are not unique, we are one... which one is it?

[Aakash]

it is both, when collapsing duality, you have to realise they are the same exact things 

so uniquely same individual , 

ahh tough break man, if thats the case, then stick by your answer and i guess, just put all your resources into becoming enlightened, its obviously the thing you want. 

[Paul92]

@Aakash I want to get out of this depth of darkness I'm in. Whether that means the enlightenment path, or finding out the truth through materialism, it doesn't matter. I just want this to end. I can't even tell you how I feel right now.  Maybe it's the medication messing with my mind.

But it makes zero sense to me that we can be one and individuals at the same time. Or that an illusion is real. So that would be the ego okay, wouldn't it?

[Highest]

@Paul92 There is no "me" you say which is true. Now, what are 'You" actually. That's the next step. Do some serious Self-inqury.

[Paul92]

@Highest how do I start that? There is no me. The Self if an illusion. 

I'm genuinely not so far away from just throwing myself off a bridge because this is all too much to handle. I don't see how bliss or happiness can be achieved here. 

I need practical steps. 

[Highest]

Just now, Paul92 said:

@Highest how do I start that? There is no me. The Self if an illusion. 

I'm genuinely not so far away from just throwing myself off a bridge because this is all too much to handle. I don't see how bliss or happiness can be achieved here. 

I need practical steps. 

Yes, the Self was simply an illusion all along. The truth is that you are God who played hide and seek with itself, you found that game out but haven't found God who is hiding right in front of your eyes.

What is the absence of Self? Give me your genuine answer.

[Jkris]

@Paul92@Paul92  are u enlightened? 

[Paul92]

@Highest Well, obviously God is left. God is not me though. 

[Highest]

Just now, Paul92 said:

@Highest Well, obviously God is left. God is not me though. 

What makes you think that?

[Paul92]

@Jkris obviously not

[mandyjw]

You have to live life as if it's real. All the while knowing that it's not. This is why enlightenment is really about bringing space in between the times you lose yourself in form. Then you find that you're losing yourself in form less and less. You can't physically try to push the forms away and evolve. 

Keep coming back to now. 

[Jkris]

@Paul92 When i had break up with my ex wife my brother in law told me forget her and move on. I completely trusted his words and moved on. I never brooded over her. Never bothered to think about her. May be god is having a greater plans for you. What ever happened is for your good only. Accept it thank god and move on. Its just a firm conviction. Thats it. 

[Paul92]

@Highest Because there is no 'me'. So there can't be God, if I am God. Also, who created God?

 

@mandyjw This is at the core of my anxiety. Living life as if it is real, knowing it is not. Zero colour in that.

 

@Jkris I thought we was God?

[Leo Gura]

@Paul92 You are nowhere close to realizing there is no me. You have turned it into an idea, a belief. This is a classic defense mechanism.

Honestly it does not sound like you are even ready to pursue enlightenment, not to mention the thousands of hours of intense self-inquiry and deconstructive work it will take just for you to get your first glimpse of what "no me" actually is. And that will only be the start.

This work requires brutal honesty and accuracy. Start by at least admitting you believe you were born and that you are a human. That is what you not only believe but feel at a cellular level. It's totally untrue, but to you it feels like truth and reality. So start by acknowledging that. Then maybe you could start to question it a bit.

If you want a quick peak of what no-me means, try some mushrooms or LSD. That will give you a small taste of where this work leads. A small taste.

I would start you off with just basic philosophical questioning of reality. Like, how do you know you're not in a computer simulation, or dreaming? How do you know other people exist? How do you know your parents are really your parents? How do you know your own mind isn't deceiving you? How do you know science is valid? How do you know an external material world exists? How do you know you will die?

Start to question your metaphysics. Like REALLY start questioning it. Not as idle speculation, but seriously, like it might all be an illusion.

[Highest]

"Because there is no 'me'. So there can't be God, if I am God. Also, who created God? "

@Leo Gura ?

I simply give up ?

[mandyjw]

@Leo Gura There are no thousands of hours. Only now.