kieranperez

Update

37 posts in this topic

So it’s been a month since my last post on here and felt like giving an update. 

After getting off I actually started feeling a tiny bit better. I was starting to do some self acceptance and it came along actually in the beginning. I was walking on some old trails I used to run on in Marin County over the Golden Gate Bridge. 

That was kinda where it ended. After about less than a week in I started falling into a worsening depression I haven’t fallen in in years. Mental breakdowns have become basically a daily thing. My only friend who lives next to me isn’t a available for me to talk to him just to have someone to talk to so I’m alone everyday. My dad has been going off on me on how I’m a loser because my suffering “doesn’t make sense” and how I just need to “man up.” I wake up everyday feeling too numb to get out of bed. I’ve had to leave work early a couple times now because I’m barely able to hold back tears. My mind won’t stop. It. Just. Won’t. Fucking. Stop. I can feel even in my body that this entire self is something I’m holding onto in yet trying to drop even a single belief like “ I CAN’T” (my bottommost core belief) because my entire sense of self is revolves around this addiction to holding this belief. This entire self is just a giant lie. Everything I say is a lie. Everything I think is a lie. The way I hold my body is a lie. 

I don’t feel suicidal per say as I don’t want to resort to that. I honestly just want help. I feel like I’m truly not good enough and that I can’t. I just fucking cant. Relative to what isn’t the belief. It’s that I can’t. Affirmations and such have been a disaster. I’ll be on a run (and now I’m hurt) and when I start feeling that core “I CAN’T” and I affirm “I CAN”, so long as I affirm “I can” there has to be the underlying belief that “I can’t.” Ralston talks about this in his book Pursuing Consciousness when it comes to beliefs, self-images, ideals, etc.

I feel like I’m going crazy right now and this is getting worse every single day. This is exhausting. I want this to stop and I deeply want help. I don’t want “just accept yourself more” as I live in a house and an environment that is driving me mad. Self acceptance doesn’t help me move out. I tried learning programming, following the advice of @Bluebird who kindly helped give me some tips, after about a week of not being able to focus (struggling still now being off adderall and with ADHD) and feeling totally confused and still frustrated because the thought of being another programmer just eats at me and also because it’s so hard because of my ADHD, I had to stop. I have a life purpose but honestly it’s so demoralizing because it feels so beyond me. 

I’m tired of this man I just want help. I’m tired of feeling so dead and numb. Depression feels like nothingness and pain. It’s a hollowness that literally eats you away. I can’t afford therapy, I can’t afford neurofeedback, I can’t afford a life coach. Why did I have to grow up with a mom who tried killing herself every week? Why does my dad have to moralize to me? Why did I have to put on meds to that hurt me more in the long run and didn’t help anything? Why can’t I drop this addiction to suffering and this goddamn identity? Why can’t I just stop my mind for just 5 seconds? 

I don’t want anything other than help. 

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No help will come.
See through the mind, that all thoses negative and neurotics thoughts patterns are just content in you.

Just be the observer ...

There is no escape to this, you either ascend by letting the mind die by not participing in its endless drama,
Or continue to lie to yourself and go deeper into hell.

No help will come, it's all up to you,
 

No

Help

Will

Come

Edited by Shin

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure
- Marianne Williamson

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Sorry to hear that man, it seems like you're really attached to your 'self' which you see in a negative light. There's a lot of issues there with your dad etc so I think you need to talk to someone just to get a better understanding of everything.

You also have a strong desire to silence your mind, which 'you' can't do you can only let it be, it's like a scab, if you keep picking it, it gets worse and doesn't heal but it's a compulsive thing 

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1 minute ago, omTom said:

Meditate for 1 hour per day. 

No excuses. Just do it. 

You're balls deep in your own tornado of thoughts, and you're fully bought in with all of them. 

Buy the book "A Million Thoughts" by Om Swami so you know how to meditate correctly and then sit down and fucking do it. 

Thoughts are your problem and meditation is the antidote. 

 

 

Thoughts aren't the problem, lack of awareness is.

If you say thoughts are the problem, people will start to hate and fight them.

Which of course isn't gonna work and just make things worse.


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure
- Marianne Williamson

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I think your take on Enlightenment Work may have made your situation worse.  You're at war war with your identity and that's only contributing to your problems.  The way you're gonna know you're making progress on the Path is your neurosis should be dialing way down.  This idea that your identity is the enemy is not correct and will only backfire on you.  This is like a gay man becoming a Catholic priest to try to get rid of his gayness.  No, the gayness is still there and now is dysfunctional because it isn't treated right by the holder of the trait.  Ditto for your identity.  You gotta learn to accept and love your identity, your Ego-Mind.  If there's anything I can do to help, PM me.  I'm happy to work with you on this.

Edited by Joseph Maynor

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Yeah I’m done with this forum. No empathy or compassion towards anyone. Mostly just nondual keyboard jockeys who think they know everything about everyone (excluding @Joseph Maynor in this post). 

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Try swapping bad emotions with some new emotions when i got anxiety i swapped it with aggression it helps to see that we create every emotion in our body

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2 hours ago, kieranperez said:

Yeah I’m done with this forum. No empathy or compassion towards anyone. Mostly just nondual keyboard jockeys who think they know everything about everyone (excluding @Joseph Maynor in this post). 

You're searching an external solution to an internal problem.

It will never work.

 

And btw, Joseph says the same exact thing.

Edited by Shin

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure
- Marianne Williamson

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@kieranperez It seems to me that your issue might be physical. If you have serious ADD you might want to research ways of curing that first before you tackle other things.

From what I understand, ADD is often caused by heavy metal toxicity due to impure diet and water.

If I were you I'd get a heavy metal toxicity urine test done to make sure you don't have elevated levels of mercury or lead.

I would also check other vital blood work stats to make sure you're not vitamin D deficient, thyroid deficient, etc.

And if all of that came out good, then I would look into EEG neurofeedback training. That's quite effective for ADD. You can find treatment centers all around in San Fran.

If I were you I'd spend some serious time researching the root cause of your ADD. Find the best books on ADD treatment and read them. Visit some ADD forums. Find cases of people who successfully cure ADD and follow their steps until you resolve your condition.

ADD could be physically caused. It could also be psychological. And it could also be both at once. So you must look at physical solutions as well as psychological solutions (like meditation).

Kriya yoga is a great practice for reducing monkey mind.


"Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself." -- Rumi

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@Leo Gura never heard about that. Going to call up about tests tomorrow. Thank you for providing the specific tests. I swear to God if I can get this ADHD and also depression, I will be in a such a better space. 

I’ve had my thyroaid tested before and it surprisingly they were normal results. I used to have to take lithium blood tests  because I used to take lithium and I wanted to test my thyroid because I’ve always had a freakishly fast metabolism that’s beyond all my friends including my friends who are elite Olympic level athletes. 

Never had a Vitamin D test. Isn’t that mostly must sun exposure related?? 

My diet has never been perfect but I grew up under my dad whose a chef level cook. I grew up eating a variety of vegetables, grains, meats, etc. We definitely mostly eat savory food. I didn’t grow up eating tons of fruit as my dad would always talk about the sugar in them (at least now he does). Keep in mind though, he cooks primarily for taste not for health. My average staple dinner for example though is like white rice, black beans, and pork (grew up under a Cuban dad 🤷🏻‍♂️). Whenever I used to go to friends houses though, I definitely ate better than the majority of my friends who always seemed to function much better than me. 

Just curious, what gave you the feeling it might be physical?

I was tested for ADHD when I was like 5/6 for over a period of like 6 months i believe as my parents didn’t initially want to put me on medication and I showed all the signs of what I pay attention to and everything, not just how erratic I was. 

The main thing that I guess gives me paranoia about neurofeedback is the cost for sure because there are tons of neurofeedback places here in SF. Honestly, my dad doesn’t really want to help me with my psychological stuff now and given that neurofeedback centers tend not to take insurance, they do seem to cost a fortune of money which I don’t have. I also feel like he’s put off because the evidence for this stuff is very much anecdotal (despite me telling him all the flaws with that view and him brushing it off as new agey self help nonsense). 

2 hours ago, Shin said:

You're searching an external solution to an internal problem.

It will never work.

 

And btw, Joseph says the same exact thing.

 

2 hours ago, omTom said:

This forum won't help you.

You were wise in leaving and you should have stayed away because it will only confuse you more and will make your problems worse. 

It's a distraction from the emotionally laborious work that will actually help you.

Delete your account. 

Buy this book https://www.amazon.com/Million-Thoughts-Meditation-Himalayan-Mystic/dp/8184959451/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=219ZAG4ABKPRM&keywords=a+million+thoughts&qid=1550537867&s=gateway&sprefix=a+million+t&sr=8-1

And then meditate 1 hour every day.

Wish you the best brother. 

Both of you are just proving my point that you don’t know wtf you’re talking about. Real depression is not the same as general human suffering. Om Swami will actually be the first to say that too. Read his book “When All is Not Well: a Yogic Perspective on Depression”. Meditation doesn’t solve fucking everything it can actually make certain things worse. Your myopic advice and approach to people who suffer shows your ignorance. Not to me. But to those that actually are suffering out there. I really hope neither of you know people who are truly hurting in life for their sake. I don’t need pity but cultivate compassion. If someone is suicidal, you don’t go up to them and tell them “no one will come to help you.” 

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I would honestly encourage participation on here, I've grown a lot on here.  If this place were so bad, I wouldn't still be on here.

But, if you're on here a lot and still not making progress, then we need to look at why that is.

Help for each individual person needs to be tailored to that person.  

No, I think the Forum is good.  Just like everything else you can have too much of a good thing, which can lead to a kind of backfiring effect.  But all in all, I think it's good to have a support system here with multiple perspectives of caring people to offer solutions.

I still kinda feel that Enlightenment is only part of the solution.  There are a lot of aspects to personal development.  But I will tell you this, Enlightenment Work should be making you less neurotic not more neurotic.  If that's not happening, then we need to look at why that's the case.

Edited by Joseph Maynor

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38 minutes ago, kieranperez said:

@Leo Gura never heard about that. Going to call up about tests tomorrow. Thank you for providing the specific tests. I swear to God if I can get this ADHD and also depression, I will be in a such a better space. 

I’ve had my thyroaid tested before and it surprisingly they were normal results. I used to have to take lithium blood tests  because I used to take lithium and I wanted to test my thyroid because I’ve always had a freakishly fast metabolism that’s beyond all my friends including my friends who are elite Olympic level athletes. 

Never had a Vitamin D test. Isn’t that mostly must sun exposure related?? 

My diet has never been perfect but I grew up under my dad whose a chef level cook. I grew up eating a variety of vegetables, grains, meats, etc. We definitely mostly eat savory food. I didn’t grow up eating tons of fruit as my dad would always talk about the sugar in them (at least now he does). Keep in mind though, he cooks primarily for taste not for health. My average staple dinner for example though is like white rice, black beans, and pork (grew up under a Cuban dad 🤷🏻‍♂️). Whenever I used to go to friends houses though, I definitely ate better than the majority of my friends who always seemed to function much better than me. 

Just curious, what gave you the feeling it might be physical?

I was tested for ADHD when I was like 5/6 for over a period of like 6 months i believe as my parents didn’t initially want to put me on medication and I showed all the signs of what I pay attention to and everything, not just how erratic I was. 

The main thing that I guess gives me paranoia about neurofeedback is the cost for sure because there are tons of neurofeedback places here in SF. Honestly, my dad doesn’t really want to help me with my psychological stuff now and given that neurofeedback centers tend not to take insurance, they do seem to cost a fortune of money which I don’t have. I also feel like he’s put off because the evidence for this stuff is very much anecdotal (despite me telling him all the flaws with that view and him brushing it off as new agey self help nonsense). 

 

Both of you are just proving my point that you don’t know wtf you’re talking about. Real depression is not the same as general human suffering. Om Swami will actually be the first to say that too. Read his book “When All is Not Well: a Yogic Perspective on Depression”. Meditation doesn’t solve fucking everything it can actually make certain things worse. Your myopic advice and approach to people who suffer shows your ignorance. Not to me. But to those that actually are suffering out there. I really hope neither of you know people who are truly hurting in life for their sake. I don’t need pity but cultivate compassion. If someone is suicidal, you don’t go up to them and tell them “no one will come to help you.” 

 

What are you expecting ?

What kind of help ?

What do you think could help you ?

 


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure
- Marianne Williamson

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18 minutes ago, Juan Cruz Giusto said:

Hello brother! I'm in San Francisco until the 9th, let me know if you want to meet up and just chat - I'll be happy to meet you.

Cheers!

Great proposition. I was actually thinking that Leo should meet with Kerian, maybe invite him to his place for few days, they are like big and little brothers.

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1 hour ago, Juan Cruz Giusto said:

Hello brother! I'm in San Francisco until the 9th, let me know if you want to meet up and just chat - I'll be happy to meet you.

Cheers!

Messaged. This meant a lot ❤️

1 hour ago, Tetcher said:

Great proposition. I was actually thinking that Leo should meet with Kerian, maybe invite him to his place for few days, they are like big and little brothers.

I’m waaay ahead of you here.

F25828EC-FE8F-4C53-80AB-D43EE0E18563.jpeg

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3 hours ago, kieranperez said:

@Leo Gura

Never had a Vitamin D test. Isn’t that mostly must sun exposure related?? 

Vitamin D deficiency is very common these days. And low vitamin D levels are directly related to low mood, low energy, and depression.

Quote

Just curious, what gave you the feeling it might be physical?

If it's so severe that you're unable to function like normal people, there's a good chance it's physical.

I have been working on improving my own health lately (thyroid issues) and I've been reading about how ADD is correlated with heavy metal toxicity. It's probably not the only factor, but it is definitely 1 of the factors. I'm not sure what all the factors are. You'd have to research that more. Don't expect conventional Western medicine to have a proper root cure for ADD. You'll have to look more to the fringes.

Quote

The main thing that I guess gives me paranoia about neurofeedback is the cost for sure because there are tons of neurofeedback places here in SF. Honestly, my dad doesn’t really want to help me with my psychological stuff now and given that neurofeedback centers tend not to take insurance, they do seem to cost a fortune of money which I don’t have. I also feel like he’s put off because the evidence for this stuff is very much anecdotal (despite me telling him all the flaws with that view and him brushing it off as new agey self help nonsense).

Yes, they can be expensive. Usually $100/session or so. But also permanent improvements can come from just 10-20 sessions.

Health ain't free. It can be a good investment. If it actually helps you, you can earn that money back simply from increased productivity.

But you'd have to weigh the pros and cons of that for yourself.

Personally, I invested $3000 in my own brain training machine. But I'm sorta hardcore and I got money to burn.


"Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself." -- Rumi

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I think this Forum can be a great support group for someone who wants get help and help themselves; I know it was for me.

Edited by Joseph Maynor

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Like I said, do your research. You'll be surprised at what gems you may find.


"Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself." -- Rumi

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I wouldn't waste too much money on neurofeedback, especially if my wallet is thin. Evidence suggests that neurofeedback effectivity is due to the placebo effect*. In fact placebo doesn't mean that it's useless but that the mechanism at work is disconnected from the neurofeedback method per say. It's all about stabilizing your mind patterns in way that your outcome behavior serves your goals.

*source : https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-myths/201302/read-paying-100s-neurofeedback-therapy

Quote

Our findings suggest that neurofeedback training is not superior to a sham condition or group psychotherapy. All three treatments were equivalently effective in reducing ADHD symptoms. This first randomised, sham-controlled trial did not show any specific effects of neurofeedback on ADHD symptoms in adults.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2215036617302912

 

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