The way of a superior man _ critical issues

[F A B]

I have always considered this book as a bible. I've deeply relied on this book, but now, as I’m getting my own experience in relationships, I found out some critical issues.

The core thinking of the book is to give your gift to the woman through love.

When she tests you, you should keep being loving and hilarious.

For example: if she is angry at you, you shouldn’t walk away and wait for her to calm down, but you should stay there and penetrate her moods through unconditional love, kissing her, smiling, pushing your belly into her…

My question ---> wouldn't reacting always this way lead to dysfunctional problems?

If you are always present, loving, caring, then maybe she could interpret that as a weakness and be turned off.

The book idea is “she wants to feel loved, she wants to feel loved even during her bad moods”.

My new current idea is “she wants to feel turned on. So, sometime you should be loving, sometime you should be an asshole”.

[universe]

What happened when you kept being loving and hilarious? Im curious.

[Emerald]

4 hours ago, F A B said:

I have always considered this book as a bible. I've deeply relied on this book, but now, as I’m getting my own experience in relationships, I found out some critical issues.

The core thinking of the book is to give your gift to the woman through love.

When she tests you, you should keep being loving and hilarious.

For example: if she is angry at you, you shouldn’t walk away and wait for her to calm down, but you should stay there and penetrate her moods through unconditional love, kissing her, smiling, pushing your belly into her…

My question ---> wouldn't reacting always this way lead to dysfunctional problems?

If you are always present, loving, caring, then maybe she could interpret that as a weakness and be turned off.

The book idea is “she wants to feel loved, she wants to feel loved even during her bad moods”.

My new current idea is “she wants to feel turned on. So, sometime you should be loving, sometime you should be an asshole”.

If given the choice between feeling loved or turned on, most women would choose feeling loved. This is because the nature of how women get attractions versus the way men get attractions.

Since women have a lot more at stake in getting into a sexual relationship with a man than vice versa, and women can have far fewer children than a man can, there are more firewalls up. So, for a woman to really be genuinely attracted to a man, he has to stimulate her sexually, emotionally, and mentally. And all three have to be activated at once... otherwise it's just not worth getting into it with that guy.

So, all three of these factors have to be in place. And because the sexual stimulation is the last to occur among the three, a man won't be able to turn a woman on without all three in place.

He will only be able to attract dysfunctional women who are lonely or desperate and will choose a man she's not attracted to just to have company. Being an asshole will make you extra attractive to women in this vulnerable psychological state. But this is when sex and relationships become mere sexual transactions and it's more like mutual masturbation than anything else. It's nothing stellar. And no woman is interested in this kind of sex.

But it makes sense that you have the sexual attraction first since this is how it happens for men. So, you assume that women are similar in that way when they are totally different. 

For a man, because women are the more selective of the two sexes, he has to keep his attractions fairly broad and non-selective. And because of this the initial attraction is best very shallow and detached from outcome. The main thing is just to find someone, and you can pass on your genes. So, the sexual comes first for him. That's how his initial attractions spring about. And if a man is under-developed and not fully emotionally mature, then sexuality will be as far as an attraction ever goes. But men like this are a dime a dozen and aren't attractive to most women. Women prefer more emotionally mature men because they are a lot more present and the sexual experience and relationship experience is much more intimate.

But once a mature man who is not in conflict with his heart or mind, finds a woman that he loves, then his sexual energy will transmute upward toward his heart and mind and will match the initial attraction that the woman feels who already had all three boxes checked off. And that's when the deep bonding can occur.

So, women's attractions start in the mind, then travel to the heart, and eventually get to the loins. Men's attractions start in the loins, then travel to the heart, and eventually get into the mind. This is why women are always asking men what they're thinking about when they like him. Her goal is to get inside his head.

And it's also why women have an easier time falling in love, since the loins have a really strong pull and can more easily bring the energy down from the mind through the heart and to the sexual organs. Whereas, men's seat of attraction is already in the loins, and the strong pull makes it more difficult to transmute that energy upward toward the heart and mind.

[Moreira]

This is one of the most counterintuitive scenario in the dating-scene.

If she is angry to you...

 

-If you walk away to ignore her you are showing self respect, but yure being reactive.

-If you love her no matter how bad she treats you, you are being unreactive, this is cool, but in the other hand, you are sending the message that you dont have self respect and tolerate her everything.

[universe]

tolerating bad behaviour = being loving?

So lets switch the genders. Lets say a man is beating his wife. Should she walk away or give him unconditional love?

[F A B]

6 hours ago, universe said:

What happened when you kept being loving and hilarious? Im curious.

I don't have enough data to process a statistical trend, I've been just in one serious relationship.

Anyway, after five months of the relationship, she loses the mental attraction. Not the physical one, by the way. She was still quite available as a fuckbuddy, but I preferred to cut contact.

[F A B]

5 hours ago, Moreira said:

This is one of the most counterintuitive scenario in the dating-scene.

If she is angry to you...

 

-If you walk away to ignore her you are showing self respect, but yure being reactive.

-If you love her no matter how bad she treats you, you are being unreactive, this is cool, but in the other hand, you are sending the message that you dont have self respect and tolerate her everything.

Yes, you got it ahaha

I used to do the second one, but now I think you have to find the right balance. Probably the truth lies in the middle.

[Leo Gura]

@F A B It is a truism that everyone always wants to feel loved. You can't really go wrong with that advice.

Then again, never follow advice too literally. You must apply it with intelligence and contextual awareness.

[Privet]

@F A B

If she loses attraction and interprets your caring attitude as a weakness it means that she is dysfunctional. But at the same time if you tolerate some of her behavior that is too much it means that you disrespect yourself more than you are afraid to lose her.

If she does something that is too much you don't have to be an asshole, you have to talk about this with her.

Being non-reactive doesn't mean that you turn into support person and always love her unconditionally like 2 year old kid, she is not a kid, she is an adult woman and she is responsible for her behavior and is able to talk and understand and negotiate, or she isn't, or she doesn't care enough to do so, or negotiations lead nowhere, or she gives shallow promises, in those cases you better terminate the relationships.

Edited January 2, 2019 by Privet

[Igor82]

@Emerald Thank you for the long post, I read it all and now I've learned something new.

[F A B]

Basically, I started this thread to analyze what could have caused my breakup.

The fact is that following the book's teaching, I was too sure about the future of my relationship.

I thought something like "yes, I can handle it because I'm far more conscious than many other guys out there".

But, obviously, reality hit me in the ass ???

Maybe is not about love, maybe is that I became needy, with time, without even knowing.

Now I'm realizing: the more the relationship goes, the more I become attached to it.

Next time I'll try to be more detached and aware that everything could end instantly.

 

[outlandish]

When @Emerald types up one of her long ass posts, it's totally worth reading. Good observation. I never thought about that dynamic of how men's attraction starts at the loins and moves up, whereas women's attraction starts at the head and moves down. Of course this is archetypes, real people are more of a mixture and complex.

@F A B I really like that book, but I think like Leo said, you have to take everything with a pinch of salt, you can't be too literal about anything you read. Also, it sounds very likely that you have shed a relationship that wasn't quite of the quality you're looking for.

[machinegun]

@F A B I know this thread is really fucking old, but there is a chapter in the book called "Do Not Tolerate Her" or something along those lines. Basically, if she isn't open to being penetrated by your love then the wiser route would be to choose a different woman. The book also proclaims that "tolerating leads to resentment", and that the superior man wants to penetrate her with his love when she is in a bad mood because he sees it as "a challenge or amusement". 

I think what you did with your woman was to tolerate her emotional tirades instead of penetrate her with your love.