The battle between heart and the self (fear)

[Charlotte]

Arrived in Minorca yesterday. ABSOLUTELY fuuuucked. 

All week I had around 12 hours sleep, I was working on empty. I don't know how but I managed to smash my exams and arrive here in one piece. A week of Yoga, self reflection and meditation is literally what I need right now. 

I've also met a potential partner. This is all I have to say about it...

[Charlotte]

Yaaaaaaaaay I'm back. 

Yoga retreat went extremely well. It fell at such a crucial time. I had survived off 12 hours sleep all week during exam period. I don't know how but I did. I crashed out on Menorca for 2 days and relaxed. It was so needed. 

We did 4 hours of yoga daily. 2 in the morning 2 in the evening. Both included pranayama and meditation and some nidra. Unfortunately I had to sit out for a lot of postures because I've injured myself again (bursitis) so I've come back unable to do much with regards to exercise. I went to my follow up CNM appointment in which she told me to eat the core of a pineapple because it contains bromelain which has anti inflammatory properties. She also told me to increase cruciferous veg to 9 portion's a day. Told me to sit back on the exercise and reduce. 

I've found these appointments extremely insightful and interesting, not only that but I've made a new friend ☺️ (the lady who consulted me) which is always nice. 

 

So a lot of shifts have happened since the 'trip' as I think I mentioned but more are becoming apparent. 

Vegan ideology has gone. 

The suffering I endured with regards to 'compassion for animals has gone. ((This was huge for me))

In turn that's given me a healthier relationship with my dogs. I don't feel attached to anything in that way anymore. 

I no longer feel the need to want to partake in activism anymore, I feel I'm looking at things from a more zoomed out holistic perspective... More understanding. I can see the traps of many things, even 'harmless' label's such as vegan. But I do feel a little guilty because I'm like 'so you not gonna speak for the animals?' and to be honest I don't think it is about not speaking for them... Its more about HOW it's done. I don't feel it's strategic, conscious, or even effective for that matter. I feel they are trying to tackle a problem from the same level of that problem which is completely ineffective. 

I've also noticed judgements have dropped. Again just a more holistic understanding approach has taken its place. Just bought a systems thinking book off the book list which I'll be reading after the current book. 

I think I mentioned somewhere prior in the journal that I had made a small brake through with regards to shadow work. 

One day I sat down at mums and I told her I'm still heavily hung up about the body image. She started giving me a small counswli session in which I realised I had been rejected the 'old me' the old Charlotte... I was viewing the heavy, overweight, unhappy, thick and bullied old Charlotte as a separate ego. Denying and pushing her away. Looking at her in disgust. In the shadow obviously which I was completely oblivious to. Upon this realisation I cried deeply and felt sympathy for myself (for old Charlotte) I grabbed her and told her she is loved and accepted. This is one of the reasons that I maintained an unhealthy relationship with food. By denying food I was denying the old Charlotte, running from her and afraid to ever slip back there. All unconscious illusion of course. 

LP has also seemed to of taken a different direction. I'm going in the direction of psychology. I'll be studying this, this year as well as maths. 

 

Overall I just feel more conscious as well like I can feel within the body if I am not being true to myself. Such strong signals that you cannot ignore. 'I follow the feeling'

More awareness of where I am deluding myself comes up much quicker and guide's me in the right direction.

Reality has changed in the sense that I actually see that the mind creates everything. 

Also since finishing college I have a strong pulling to wanting to continue learning which I've never had before so I'm doing different courses... One of them being https://www.coursera.org/learn/learning-how-to-learn

which is proving to be extremely interesting.

After that I'm gonna learn another language..  don't ask me why ?

I'm also still microdosing. 

 

This month has been a month of gifts for me. I have been surrounded by the most beautiful heart centered people. I've cried out of sheer joy and gratitude. ?♥️?

[Charlotte]

 

[Charlotte]

Morning Michael! 

Thanks so much

22 hours ago, Michael569 said:

I found this being one of the core things keeping me in hard Green and it took a lot of time and effort to get outside of it and start to see the ideology and manipulation in vegan population. The amount of guilt they put you in is incredible sometimes. Well done on getting out of that, defo not an easy task !! I think one can still remain plant based without subscribing to the "religion" and the guilt. 

Exactly! I don't like being addressed as vegan anymore... I use plant based cruelty free conscious lifestyle  

22 hours ago, Michael569 said:

Also happy that you got some new tips with CNM, the 9/d cruciferous veg seems like pretty hardcore healing diet going forward but they are incredible. (Make sure to always pre-chop them and chew well to activate the enzymatic reaction and get the most of them ) 

Yes it's a lot isn't it! She also adviced I buy some cytoplan glucosamine? I'm definitely struggling squeezing 9 in a day... Fruit's seems to be much more manageable but I'm running out of ideas for the veg, there's only so much you can bang into a smoothie until it starts to taste disgusting ?

Oh thanks for the tip!!! 

 

22 hours ago, Michael569 said:

And finally congrats on finishing your college course. Hope this opens some new doors and opportunities and definitely new insight into the reality. 

All the best and keep up the amazing work !!

 

Bless you Michael thank you so much for your support. Your amaaaaazing and my inspiration 

[Charlotte]

@Shiva thank you! There definitely has been a shift indeed. 

Still plant based just dropped the vegan ideology. 

How do I feel now? Free? If you understand what I mean.

Such an amazing song isn't it! ❤️

Why? I feel learning a language will open many doors for me. I enjoyed speaking Portuguese language, plus I have 2 friends who are from Portugal so they can help  

Also I have a craving for learning, I'm really enjoying it and it's opening my mind so I feel learning a language would be quite the challenge. 

Told you @Michael569 you're amazing! 

 

[Shin]

6 hours ago, Shiva said:

@Charlotte

Just in case you didn't know already, duolingo.com is a great place to start

Have a great day!

I second that, it works really well

[Charlotte]

On 22/06/2019 at 0:33 PM, Shiva said:

Great! IMO the world needs more less militant, less dogmatic vegans to improve the mainstream perception of veganism, such that it can hopefully scale to the masses.

Exactly! I'm finding that saying absolutely nothing and just leading by example is more effective. 

 

Yes... Learning anything with no motivation is pretty pointless isn't it... Your definitely more prone to procrascination and even giving up. 

 

Oh perfect! Thanks for the recommendation I'll check that out now! 

Hope you have an awesomesauce day yourself my good man ?

@Shin  cheers Shinshin 

 

♥️

[Charlotte]

 

[Charlotte]

Phone is broken and I can't access. (No laptop) ?

[DrewNows]

Well go ahead...?

cry us a river ? ?

edit: sorry bout the phone, also to be clear I’m pushing buttons tonight, js 

Edited June 27, 2019 by DrewNows

[Charlotte]

On 27/06/2019 at 6:17 AM, DrewNows said:

Well go ahead...?

cry us a river ? ?

edit: sorry bout the phone, also to be clear I’m pushing buttons tonight, js 

??

[Charlotte]

Yaaaaaaaaay I'm back ?

Gonna update the shit outta this later after the gym. Can't wait to journal the thoughts. 

Need to get it all out onto here as I've not been physically journaling either. 

♥️

[Charlotte]

My head's fucking mashed at the minute. I'm paranoid as fuck in my own head. I don't know what's real anymore. 

I'm unbelievably aware of self delusion that I don't know if I'm self deluding anymore. I'm paranoid I'm microdosing too much. What if this is the psychedelics fucking with my head? 

I've got to a dose now where it's literally just below threshold. This is how people go mad innit? 

 

or is it? It could just be more thought. I'm doing my own head in. All day yesterday people were giving me this vibe I was giving this vibe and I was so aware of myself I was like am I? But that could just be more thought ?

I'm so busy at the moment. Gym 5 night's a week for rehabilitation with my injury (it got crazy out of control) and loads of other shit. 

 

Hold on... I've just realised something... This could be because I'm due on my period... I know what thought gets like at that time. Erratic. 

I need to ground myself rapid. I can feel fear again. 

Fuck it then... Come at me fear. Met fear too many times to know the game.

[Charlotte]

There is learning somewhere for me and I'm not sure what it is. It keeps coming up and going then coming. It comes in small wave's, there's a message hidden within. I'm ready to see it..I want to learn. 

 

I've also been constantly thinking about DMT all the time for some reason. I've tried actively letting it go but it keeps coming back round, feels right to pursue it. Not gonna think too much into it just gonna do it. Maybe the message is in there. 

 

 

fuck

 ?

?

 

 

 

[Shin]

Are you really 100% sure psychedelics aren't modifying and fucking your brain ?
I mean ok, they aren't addictive, but that doesn't mean they can't have side effect that fucks you up on the long run.

I find it super irresponsible from Leo to advocate for them without saying there could be side effect, and possible brain chemistry disorder
It's not like there is that much study on them, most of them are illegal, new or rarely used ...

Also, are they really getting you anywhere you couldn't go without them ?
I for sure never needed them and I'm pretty fine, Natasha too, and many others.

Your choice to take that risk.

[Charlotte]

26 minutes ago, Shin said:

Are you really 100% sure psychedelics aren't modifying and fucking your brain ?

No I'm not. I mean but what is modification and fucking with the brain anyway? 

I can never be sure until one day I might find myself on a mental health ward but if that is the way shit goes then that's the way shit goes. I don't perceive mental health issues like I used to shin. There isn't an 'issue' there. In comparison to what exactly? 

I do feel my time with mushrooms is coming to end, I don't know why. 

Leo does outline risks but at the end of the day it's our responsibility to do our research and our responsibility ultimately.

[Charlotte]

This is hugely hormone related. I'm literally observing the shift's hour by hour. One minute I'm knackered next minute I'm productive and happy af , next half hour I'm insecure as shit. ?

[DrewNows]

You’re crazy (AS FUCK), just admit it. You don’t need any of these tools to go mad ?. But perhaps it’s time to take a break, have you allowed for integration to happen after your trip? 

What are you trying to prove to yourself, and are you trying to chase something psychologically? 

Check your body intunement, is it speaking to you? When in doubt, bring love (acceptance) to that doubt. 

Take care char 

edit: btw I’ve had LSD on my mind recently as well 

 

Edited July 4, 2019 by DrewNows

[Charlotte]

On 04/07/2019 at 1:24 PM, DrewNows said:

You’re crazy (AS FUCK), just admit it. You don’t need any of these tools to go mad ?. But perhaps it’s time to take a break, have you allowed for integration to happen after your trip? 

What are you trying to prove to yourself, and are you trying to chase something psychologically? 

Check your body intunement, is it speaking to you? When in doubt, bring love (acceptance) to that doubt. 

Take care char 

edit: btw I’ve had LSD on my mind recently as well 

 

? Your a bloody legend. Made me giggle. 

Your absolutely right, definitely a time to take a break. I realised this yesterday. Just gonna up the meditation and leave mushys alone. 

Yeah I'd say I've allowed for integration BUT there is no black and white answer is there with regards to integration. There's no instructions. 

Am I trying to prove anything to myself or chase something? In my opinion I'd say no. I just become more aware and conscious of my own delusions/ego so I'm able to work 'to the point' if that makes sense? 

Yeah my body is definitely communicating a strong message to me and I know what it is. Take a break, relax, ground yourself.

Oh has it? You gonna act on it? 

[Charlotte]

9 hours ago, Michael569 said:

I've had something similar during my recent panic/anxiety attack session. Excess emotional baggage came up on surface and shit hit the fan at the snap of the fingers. Drop everything on weekend, hit your nearest nature reserve and take it all in for 12 hours. The mind needs a reset. 

+ (materialist advice) take good care of your nutrition, could be lack of calming neurotransmitters and excess cortisol production. Good fats and good sources of protein  

++ Australian Bush Flower Essence have a remedy called "Calm & Clear" sold in most Neal's Yard places , might help

Hope your feeling okay after your session ❤️ I'm glad it came up for you. Is everything okay now? You managing okay? 

Love your advice Michael, spoken deeply to me.

Thanks so much for the other advice, I honestly never omit the nutrition, it's a way of life. 

Oh I'll look into the bush flower. Thanks bud