The battle between heart and the self (fear)

[DrewNows]

1 hour ago, Charlotte said:

Your a bloody legend. Made me giggle. 

feels good to be good   (appreciate the good vibers) 

1 hour ago, Charlotte said:

Yeah I'd say I've allowed for integration BUT there is no black and white answer is there with regards to integration. There's no instructions. 

This is the most beautiful thing, you get to create all your limitations, the integration is simply watching the self come and go, continuously falling in love with every aspect both positive and negative. There's no true change without complete love and acceptance

1 hour ago, Charlotte said:

Am I trying to prove anything to myself or chase something? In my opinion I'd say no. I just become more aware and conscious of my own delusions/ego so I'm able to work 'to the point' if that makes sense? 

Yeah my body is definitely communicating a strong message to me and I know what it is. Take a break, relax, ground yourself.

 

Not sure 'to the point' is something i understand exactly as there isn't an actual point. We are forever groundless whether we choose to think so or not  Is it possible to trust and love ourselves completely? (this is the true test we have been sent here to do imo)

There's only one way to find out if it's possible to consciously create all the thoughts you desire with the focus of a reality you wish to see

1 hour ago, Charlotte said:

Oh has it? You gonna act on it?

I don't believe it was a true desire, i wont force it but if it manifests as a potential opportunity with the right setting ill gladly embrace such an experience

[Charlotte]

5 hours ago, DrewNows said:

This is the most beautiful thing, you get to create all your limitations, the integration is simply watching the self come and go, continuously falling in love with every aspect both positive and negative. There's no true change without complete love and acceptance

This is literally what I have been doing. Just observing the ebb and flow of change with acceptance (with work) of everything. 

5 hours ago, DrewNows said:

Not sure 'to the point' is something i understand exactly as there isn't an actual point. We are forever groundless whether we choose to think so or not  Is it possible to trust and love ourselves completely? (this is the true test we have been sent here to do imo)

It's tough to communicate what I mean. You're absolutely right.

Definitely I'm starting to realise this. 

Yeah this morning has been fucking eye opening and healing with regards to self love. 

Will update journal later. ?

 

[Charlotte]

It's been a fucking odd week. 

Anxiety'sville all week. Not felt this for sooooo long. I could tell a lot of it was hormone related though. Other parts of it definitely wasn't. 

I've just got into a new relationship. 

Completely fucking different this time. He's 'aware' if you want to put it like that. Hate labels though. 

So yeah obviously very new this relationship but I've learnt so much already (about myself) already it's hard to believe. 

As I'm at this level of awareness in this relationship, it has already mirrored such deep shit within me that I thought had gone. 

Its literally brought all these behaviours up that I even I was shocked at. 

So I've been working on these behaviours bit by bit. Any time I felt triggered I knew there was something that needed working on and believe me... I've felt triggered an awful fucking lot. 

This relationship has already provided me with such depth into my own unconscious shit already. I'm so grateful. 

So friday, I'm with him and I can just feel this baseline of fear humming away in the background within. This has been so prevalent in the past week but Friday it was so huge it was causing physical symptoms. It was becoming out of control. 

I was observing thought and how it was being created to create this mess. 

Friday night I went to sleep next to him thinking about insecure shit. 

Through the night I had a nightmare about rejection from him. 

I woke up Saturday morning and this nightmare had left an awful taste in my mouth so to speak. I got up in the same state as I'd gone to bed. 

I lay there knowing this needed addressed. What was it? Why was it? I'm very good at introspection and facing up to my own behaviours and manipulations so I was ready for it. 

I lay there and grounded myself into a meditative state. (He was asleep beside me). I was searching for answers as to why this was happening, how I was causing this, looking for the deep thoughts and beliefs around this. I noticed the way the mind even tried to blame him for how I was feeling. There was thoughts of running away, of excuses, all the usual shit. I knew I was creating this so all that was bullshit. 

I continued contemplation for some time. Then I realised something. 

As I was observing contemplation I noticed the tone of the internal dialogue around the insecurities (these insecurities have been present for maaaaaaaany years from very early childhood) and how it talks about anything related to insecurities. The way the mind has been demonising this insecure part, heavily for fucking years. 

This was a huge insight for me because I then realised I had been resisting and creating even gteater suffering by rejecting this aspect of the shadow. 

I visually then grabbed the young, scared, extremely insecure, fearful side of 'myself' by the hand and walked her into this blindingly, glowing, yellow beam of love, I felt the love throughout my chest so I applied it to this side of myself visually. I let her know it was all okay and that she is deeply loved. I could actively feel the resistance to doing this. It was immensely tough. I did this over and over and as I did it I cried so fucking deeply, weeping so painfully but so freeingly at the same time. 

This was it. All those years of insecurities and the pain that had come with them where being healed in this exact moment. I could feel the release. 

He woke up and grabbed me so tightly. I told him vaguely through tears what was happening. 

I was hiding my vulnerabilities from him and I wasn't even aware of it until this very moment because in this very moment I was the most vulnerable I had ever been. 

After all that had happened I changed as a person. I felt free, even the relationship felt the changes, I felt I could completely be myself around him, I was no longer holding back, I didn't care anymore I was just flowing, my internal dialogue had even changed, my perspective of myself and of him had changed..

This, I feel is what mushrooms have done for me, slowly but extremely carefully brought me to a space of complete acceptance and love. 

Wow. ❤️

 

[Charlotte]

This week has been difficult with hormones everywhere. I have been 'riding the wave's' so to speak but at time they have definitely caught me. 

They arise in the form of anxiety and neediness. 

I've been going to the gym for almost 2 hours every night following this rehabilitation programme and I'm absolutely amazed at how much it helps towards hormonal imbalances. Not only that but I've also had the chance to outwardly focus the pent up frustration from the hormonal imbalance at the gym. 

The gym has also become a place of meditation and of insights to thought. 

This week I've also been smashing the procrastination list I've had for years so I've been somewhat busy mentally and physically. 

Been doing a lot of CBT work and work around opening the heart even further. Realising still my delusions and manipulations which so occur every day. 

[Charlotte]

Nothing can survive outside of love. 

Love is all consuming. 

It will transcend everything into itself. 

Counseling this morning for me has been unbelievable. I cannot put it into words. I want to cry. 

I accept everything. 

I see now. 

I was blind. 

but that's okay. It was what it was. 

love is guiding the life I am living. Love is the life.

I held onto so much, I held onto it because that's all I knew. A part of you has to die, leo is right. 

a part of ego died this morning. And in replacement of that, what was there all along was love.

The weight, it feel, has been lifted. My eyes don't feel glazed as much anymore. 

I feel pure, raw and vulnerable. In a beautiful boundless way. 

my heart is beaming through my chest. This is guiding me to life purpose. It's actualising my life purpose. 

How can I love and heal if I cannot apply that directly from oneself? 

Now I can.

 

♥️

 

[Charlotte]

 

[Charlotte]

 

[Charlotte]

https://youtu.be/8KkKuTCFvzI

[Charlotte]

https://www.doyouyoga.com/how-to-love-without-expectations-60536/

[Charlotte]

I am so much love I don't know what to do with it. 

I want to go around the world holding my hands out offering it to people. 

it becomes too much. How do I contain this? What do I do with it? It's radiating from my upper body outward.

I cry so often with joy of this love. More and more it is coming forefront. 

I close my eyes and I see me stood over the planet giving and sharing this beam of love over all, like the sun saturating itself over the planet and beyond.

[Charlotte]

Love this

[zeroISinfinity]

Is there such a battle? 

Or the battle is illusion. ?️?❤️

[Charlotte]

@Shiva I know dude I know ???

[Charlotte]

@zeroISinfinity  Love your question! Come to realize there is no battle. It's illusory.

The battle is what contributes to suffering as it's more duality. ?

The heart and the self are 'one'

[zeroISinfinity]

❤️Love & Light! You are perfect. 

[Charlotte]

@zeroISinfinity ♥️

[Charlotte]

'I was brought up to feel how I feel, consciously. To know how I feel and never deny.

If I want to, to tell people... if the feeling is strong enough.
So I'm telling you, from a vulnerable place,
I love you for all that you are, for what you cannot see, but I can feel.
I cannot recall a time in my life where I have felt this unspoken connection with another partner, we are a gift, a blessing. We are the universal infinite love people speak of, it is us and us coming together has provided the perfect host for it to reveal its blind but impenetrable force and manifest.
My thanks and gratitude for your existence extends beyond anything measurable.
I deeply feel we have something worth nurturing and I'm willing to tend to it like a newly sprouted fragile seedling.
To put in the hard work whenever and wherever it's needed.
I promise I will always be honest and upfront with you because like I said, I was raised to speak from the heart and the heart is truth ♥️'

[Charlotte]

I got sick. 

On the mend now ?

[Charlotte]

With increased consciousness comes great responsibility. Great responsibility. 

You can no longer point the finger, deny or blame. Not if you're radically honest with yourself. 

Over the past month or 2 I have been non stop working on myself. Observing and investigating. Taking radical responsibility somehow in a counterintuitive way frees you of so much unnecessary suffering. 

It's magical how certain people come into your life and mirror something for you. They become your spiritual tool for the time being.

You see everything is just perfect. Always has been. Control is illusory. Fact. 

I see in every day life how we create our reality. It's literally mind bending. 

Love is always there, it's us, it's always the answer no matter what. ❤️

I'm also feeling called to do a mushroom trip again. I go to Montenegro & Croatia on the 18 August- 30th August so I will book somewhere when I return. 

I also start college again in September. Maths, psychology and science I've chosen so far however that may change. 

 

[Charlotte]

Currently in the airport on my way toMontenegro/Croatia trip. It's already brought a lot of things to surface. Working each day continuously to love. Just love. 

Feeling another 'trip' upon my return so I'll sort that when I arrive. 

I will just 'be' on the trip and use the time wisely to reflect. I feel there is a lot of reflection needed... But not at the same time. 

2 hours sleep has surfaced some anxiety which needs to be addressed... Or not depending on which way you look at it.

will update throughout.