Its holding me back and I'm getting really pissed off

[MM1988]

A decade without any progress.

All this talk about not needing a relationship, my brain will not believe it no matter how true it might be. I tried telling myself that I dont need it and I dont even want it, but I'm just bullshitting myself  and it always comes back to bite me in the ass. I would love to focus my energy on yoga and creative pursuits but its draining me so much. I cant transcend it and since I havent experienced it it will hold me back spiritually.

I have so much love to give to someone, but I cant.

Edited November 25, 2018 by MM1988

[F A B]

Allow yourself to feel bad. Then, if you really have so mouch love to give, give it to yourself first.

Wear a big smile and go out.

I'm sure you can 

[NoSelfSelf]

Im sorry if this dont help but acting like a women wont get you a women

[Robert]

@MM1988 Love and belonging are actual needs. If you do not get your needs met you are guaranteed to be unhappy.

Make sure your relationship with your family is as best as it can be, make sure you have a circle of at least 3 friends, and also make sure you have a significant other who is right for you. When all of this is done, your love and belonging needs will be met and you will no longer feel held back. You will feel supported.

[MM1988]

@Robert I know, im working on getting a SO for a decade now with zero progress. Everything in my life is in order but girls just cant feel attraction towards me for some reason.

[Robert]

7 hours ago, MM1988 said:

@Robert I know, im working on getting a SO for a decade now with zero progress. Everything in my life is in order but girls just cant feel attraction towards me for some reason.

You sound like you haven't been working hard enough. A whole decade and yet zero progress? Work harder!!!

[universe]

Your brain wont believe this because you have been brain washed hard. Like almost every one in modern society. Go out and give your love to a stranger on the street. You dont need an SO for that.

What have you done yet and tried?

Do you have a life purpose?

[thehero]

nah fuck that bro. 

Teal Swan says it's the #1 thing for happiness for a human being is human connection 

 

Now that is obviously debatable. But it definitely means it's extremely significant. She's a smart lady

She argues that belonging needs are more important than physiological needs sometimes. because some people when they don't have belonging needs met, can't even eat or sleep

Edited November 27, 2018 by thehero

[thehero]

btw i'm in the process of solving this equation:

I've noticed that green girls are great human beings. in the sense that they are very loving, kind and not superficial. they don't care if I'm unemployed, don't have a great body or not super good looking. they care more about kindness, love, empathy. they don't care if i'm super alpha or not. Instead, she cares about me for me, including all of my flaws and all my sticking points. even regardless if i have social proof. it's so WEIRD. i can be super weak, super feminine, super unattractive, and i'm STILL desired??

I'm transitioning to being more independent and focusing on my life. i'm 100% open to a girl and focused on having a girl but being depressed about it isn't working. so instead, i'm focusing moreso on my priorities and working on lots of self-love. i know that self-love will help me attract a girl much more naturally. every night i am doing a self-love meditation that i found on youtube. 

i think this is the transition from codependent into independent in 7 habits of highly effective people. i want a girl, but i no longer NEED a girl. 

[XYZ]

You don't need other people to be happy. It's not a belief, but something you would have to experience for yourself to realize. Can you accept the possibility that you will never find what kind of relationship you are looking for, or that your ideas of what would make you happy & fulfilled are just fantasies projected onto human nature? What I'm advocating is that you should absolutely learn to be happy alone, then if things do happen, you are coming from a place of abundance not looking for someone else to complete you, and if not, then there you are anyway, happy whether alone or not, not viewing women as things to be had, or relationships as entities.

[XYZ]

On 11/25/2018 at 1:53 PM, Robert said:

@MM1988 Love and belonging are actual needs. If you do not get your needs met you are guaranteed to be unhappy.

Make sure your relationship with your family is as best as it can be, make sure you have a circle of at least 3 friends, and also make sure you have a significant other who is right for you. When all of this is done, your love and belonging needs will be met and you will no longer feel held back. You will feel supported.

This is just a limiting belief, and very harmful. Saying you need to depend on other people accepting you as a prerequisite for happiness. From the perspective of someone socially successful it wouldn't seem that way I'm sure, it seems easy and natural, something you take for granted. But some people don't have families, aren't attractive and have limited opportunities to develop close friendships. Things like that require direct co-operation and approval from others, are least within your control. Learning to be happy alone, totally within one's agency to accomplish. The self-actualization pyramid is just a model of descriptive categories, you can reach higher levels of fulfillment without completing the lower ones. And indeed, feeling lonely is an imaginary problem, a small way of looking at the world where everything revolves around you. 

On 11/26/2018 at 8:21 PM, thehero said:

nah fuck that bro. 

Teal Swan says it's the #1 thing for happiness for a human being is human connection 

 

Now that is obviously debatable. But it definitely means it's extremely significant. She's a smart lady

She argues that belonging needs are more important than physiological needs sometimes. because some people when they don't have belonging needs met, can't even eat or sleep

I'm all for authentic human connection if it develops naturally, but you do realize that the sense of love, connectedness, or belonging we feel is entirely subjective. This became apparent to me long ago, after times when I felt like I had a close group of friends or really bonded with a girl I liked, only to learn that they didn't see me that way at all. The feelings I had were just a real though, I genuinely felt connected. What if we could feel constantly connected to all of humanity, the earth, the universe, God, absolute infinity, to feel inseparable from  oneness and unconditional love.

[Nexeternity]

@MM1988  You need to find an activity you like doing where you will meet people in the process of doing it.  

Thats the key.  You will be happy because of the activity and the people you meet will be attracted to a happy person.

Also... be honest.  

Even if the truth makes for some bad conversation that tecnically makes you "look bad" its still refreshing to see someone be themselves and be vulnerable.  

If you are a nice happy person that has the opportunity to run into new people on a regular basis you should find someone to connect with in a short time span.

[thehero]

 

5 hours ago, XYZ said:

I'm all for authentic human connection if it develops naturally, but you do realize that the sense of love, connectedness, or belonging we feel is entirely subjective. This became apparent to me long ago, after times when I felt like I had a close group of friends or really bonded with a girl I liked, only to learn that they didn't see me that way at all. The feelings I had were just a real though, I genuinely felt connected. What if we could feel constantly connected to all of humanity, the earth, the universe, God, absolute infinity, to feel inseparable from  oneness and unconditional love.

i've found that i've been craving relationships for a very long-time as well to the point where it's challenging on my psyche. only recently i've been doing something about the need, and my life satisfaction has shot through the roof

i don't have direct experience of anything you've mentioned though, but in my experience i've found human connection incredibly important. maybe those things can replace or make it so relationships are not needed, but not for me at this point in my life

i can make a definite fact though - for many people, connected relationships are extremely necessary in many scenarios. 

honestly - i feel like actualized community places very little emphasis on relationships. relationships can be huge for your happiness and personal development. i'm assuming this because Leo's particular style is not relationship heavy at all. he rarely gleans over it and is very solitude-like. 

Edited November 29, 2018 by thehero

[XYZ]

5 hours ago, thehero said:

 

i've found that i've been craving relationships for a very long-time as well to the point where it's challenging on my psyche. only recently i've been doing something about the need, and my life satisfaction has shot through the roof

i don't have direct experience of anything you've mentioned though, but in my experience i've found human connection incredibly important. maybe those things can replace or make it so relationships are not needed, but not for me at this point in my life

i can make a definite fact though - for many people, connected relationships are extremely necessary in many scenarios. 

honestly - i feel like actualized community places very little emphasis on relationships. relationships can be huge for your happiness and personal development. i'm assuming this because Leo's particular style is not relationship heavy at all. he rarely gleans over it and is very solitude-like. 

Do you also find that you have an easier time connecting with people if you aren't actively trying to satisfy your own feeling of need, when you're just putting yourself out there, being open and vulnerable, present in the moment, and outcome independent?

I also get very good vibes, and a sense of life satisfaction when I'm having good social interactions. But I also learned to enjoy being alone very much, and found that the more comfortable I am just by myself, more comfortable I am with other people as well. You would think it's opposite, and I used to use it as an excuse, like if I'm so happy alone as I say I am, why bother socializing. That though was just a sour grapes rationalization to distract from my discontent. Because I found that when I'm genuinely happy alone, see it as a choice, and get to enjoy plenty of quality alone time, I'm happier to socialize, and socializing is more fun , comes naturally and not like a chore.

While it may be easy to make new friends, as @Nexeternity points out, lots of us are just shit-out-of-luck with sexual and romantic relationships. Some might tell you to fix yourself, man up, try harder, make more money, learn PUA, become a gym rat, dress better, yada yada yada, I say accept that you have a lack of intimacy, and stop chasing it, stop pining for the fantasy of a relationship. It may never happen, no matter what you do, and you will never have control over whether a woman will find you attractive, want to give you love and sex and kisses and cuddles.

@MM1988 It's imperative especially for lonely men to re-contextualize this desire for intimacy. If you feel it's something you need, but don't get, and realistically there's a minuscule chance you could anytime soon, you are just suffering. You can completely re-frame your perception of your own libido, see sexual urges as something your body does naturally like breathing and pooping, and recognize that satiating these urges is not an authentic need, nor is that even really possible, even if you had the things you fantasized about, the reality would never match the fantasy, you would still be attached, still wanting more and more sex.... as naturally the body does, it want to do it's thing and procreate no matter what, and make you feel bad if you aren't. Repressing sexuality never works either, only awareness, acceptance, and detachment.

 

 

[Robert]

18 hours ago, XYZ said:

This is just a limiting belief, and very harmful. Saying you need to depend on other people accepting you as a prerequisite for happiness. From the perspective of someone socially successful it wouldn't seem that way I'm sure, it seems easy and natural, something you take for granted. But some people don't have families, aren't attractive and have limited opportunities to develop close friendships. Things like that require direct co-operation and approval from others, are least within your control. Learning to be happy alone, totally within one's agency to accomplish. The self-actualization pyramid is just a model of descriptive categories, you can reach higher levels of fulfillment without completing the lower ones. And indeed, feeling lonely is an imaginary problem, a small way of looking at the world where everything revolves around you.

It's not a limiting belief. It's just how human beings work. You need others to help you in life. It's arrogant to think you can go through any situation in life without anyone's help. No one can do that. The greatest happiness comes with human connection, like @thehero said. Every person I meet who feels like they have no one to help them is suicidal. Go take responsibility for your life and get a good significant other, 3+ true friends, and make sure your family situation is as best as it can be. Then watch your happiness level rise. 

[XYZ]

3 hours ago, Robert said:

It's not a limiting belief. It's just how human beings work. You need others to help you in life. It's arrogant to think you can go through any situation in life without anyone's help. No one can do that. The greatest happiness comes with human connection, like @thehero said. Every person I meet who feels like they have no one to help them is suicidal. Go take responsibility for your life and get a good significant other, 3+ true friends, and make sure your family situation is as best as it can be. Then watch your happiness level rise. 

But some are completely and utterly alone, don't have any living family members, are socially autistic, or not attractive. If these are things I, OP or someone else can't actually have certain things in life, what good does it do feeling bad about it than transcending these to not see them as personal needs? I have become lots more social in recent months, but as far as intimate relationships, pretty much don't care anymore. Shed all ideologies like incel, volcel and MGTOW, have not even any concept of what a relationship is or should be. And I have much bigger problems to deal with, so unmet desire for women feels like a non-issue in life.

Meanwhile, happiness is something you have nearly absolute control over, regardless of external circumstances. This is something I prove to myself, being faced with very uncomfortable, painful and stressful situations, but maintaining a positive emotional state. As I tried to explain, I don't think it is healthy to base your happiness on acceptance, approval or sense of connection with others. And when you are already happy with yourself ti is much easier to connect with other people from a place of giving not taking.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I also noticed you used the world help 3 times. So as long as we're on the subject, how do you get other people to care about you enough to help you, and how do you ask for help without being needy and imposing? Because I have a really shitty life situation, as I mentioned in other threads, suffer from chronic sleep deprivation (and consequent suicidal thoughts) from a noisy home environment, not having a bedroom or any indoor heating. I only told a few close friends about this, and asked if they had any space for me to live with them. None did, although they would have if they could, and I would have offered the same if they were in my situation.

Something like that would feel like a big burden on others, revealing how screwed I am and asking for help, very counter to the positive happy vibes I want to maintain when socializing. Though I do hear about the types of friendships where people can be vulnerable and needy, and mutually supported, just as if they were trying to survive in the wild together. How does it get to that place though, to go from making new friends to trusting each other and genuinely caring and wanting to help, okay with each others' neediness?

 

[thehero]

 

23 hours ago, XYZ said:

just shit-out-of-luck

is this an insight for your circumstance? 

 

i tried this whole fuck relationships, just do it on your own, you dont need relationships thing. i suffered so greatly and i didnt even realize it. isolation is a no go. 

i need to feel connected to people. 

Edited November 30, 2018 by thehero

[universe]

5 hours ago, thehero said:

i need to feel connected to people. 

Just notice that you already are. To all people, everything there is.

[Shin]

6 minutes ago, universe said:

Just notice that you already are. To all people, everything there is.

Even yogis and monk are connected between themselves, even masters actually.

Just saying that he already have all he needs won't help him at his stage of developement imo

[Dan Arnautu]

@MM1988 What's the question?