If my boyfriend does not inspire me, what do I do?

[DeannaDevil]

Early on in my life I accepted that I would spend life by myself, out of fear of the pain relationships would put me through because of my insecurities with my appearance. In some ways, my boyfriend is the type of person I used to believe did not exist. He has made me less cynical and avoidant, though I still think he is quite rare, so I have developed an attachment to him. However, my sense of repulsion towards him is growing despite this. I feel I am only with him for my own validation and do not actually love him, but we have a son and because of this I want to learn if I can love him unconditionally. My boyfriend lives a very passive existence, he has no ambition or desire to be creative. He does not inspire me with my own creativity, he just watches Star Trek and Doctor Who and plays video games. I have major trouble accepting this and it turns me off. All of our goals are actually my goals and he is simply along for the ride, he does not want them like I do. Even with his diet, he falls back to comforts constantly, and he complains constantly about being sore. I feel hindered by him. He is a good father and is very loving towards me, but we don't have anything in common, not even our humor, and conversation never feels stimulating between us. He does not deserve my insults when I get frustrated with him, so I am wondering why I do not accept him. Is this issue really about me and he is just the trigger?

Edited October 9, 2018 by DeannaDevil

[Shin]

Because he's not masculine at all.

Learn about masculine/feminity polarity.

 

Leave him before you start regretting you did.

You deserve to be attracted and be moved by your lover.

This is never gonna happen with him though.

[Shadowraix]

It both has to do with you and your feelings.

I find wanting to be with your partner important. That the love and stability is there.

But I also see here you projecting because he is not aligning himself in the same way you do and so you tend to demonize that as bad.

If you are feeling a need to insult him then there is definitely work to do there.

Firstly, communicate exactly what you wrote to him. You are filtering everything through your lens. Have you even tried to match and find out his perspective?

[Strikr]

you leave it

[DeannaDevil]

@Shadowraix What do you mean by "aligning"? Is there a way that I can help him align, his way? I have revealed all of this to my boyfriend before. He says he isn't talented creatively and does not express himself that way, except with me he likes to. To build his confidence, we got him a sketch book, tried creative writing activities together which he enjoyed, but only because we did them together (I don't like writing, though); I encouraged  cooking because he likes to cook for me, all to try to find some spark in him, but he does not seem to want to improve himself at anything. He told me about wanting to be an elementary school teacher, and I tried showing him that the way you teach can be creative, but even with our son he does not show much initiative in trying new methods to teach him. I feel I have to encourage him to do anything. In regards to his interests, he simply says they are what he enjoys for entertainment even if I see them as a waste of time, but to me it seems he is just leeching off of others' creative  accomplishments by consuming them while deriving no personal inspiration from them to do something himself, and that his identity is wrapped up in those things, as they come up in conversations about nearly everything. I have resistance to seeing things from his perspective because I feel it will only make me more like how he is, which would inhibit me.

7 hours ago, Shadowraix said:

 

7 hours ago, Shadowraix said:

 

7 hours ago, Shadowraix said:

 

Edited October 9, 2018 by DeannaDevil
Sorry about the clutter, I am editing this from my phone.

[SFRL]

40 minutes ago, DeannaDevil said:

@Shadowraix What do you mean by "aligning"? Is there a way that I can help him align, his way? I have revealed all of this to my boyfriend before. He says he isn't talented creatively and does not express himself that way, except with me he likes to. To build his confidence, we got him a sketch book, tried creative writing activities together which he enjoyed, but only because we did them together (I don't like writing, though); I encouraged  cooking because he likes to cook for me, all to try to find some spark in him, but he does not seem to want to improve himself at anything. He told me about wanting to be an elementary school teacher, and I tried showing him that the way you teach can be creative, but even with our son he does not show much initiative in trying new methods to teach him. I feel I have to encourage him to do anything. In regards to his interests, he simply says they are what he enjoys for entertainment even if I see them as a waste of time, but to me it seems he is just leeching off of others' creative  accomplishments by consuming them while deriving no personal inspiration from them to do something himself, and that his identity is wrapped up in those things, as they come up in conversations about nearly everything. I have resistance to seeing things from his perspective because I feel it will only make me more like how he is, which would inhibit me.

So how do you want him to be exactly? Creative? Why does he need to be creative? 

I was going to react on your first post, but now after reading this, it seems to be getting more unreasonable to me. 

Edited October 9, 2018 by SFRL

[DeannaDevil]

18 minutes ago, SFRL said:

So how do you want him to be exactly? Creative? Why does he need to be creative? 

@SFRL I would like us to be able to bounce off each other's ideas and have fun creating together. I feel connection over it. I would like to feel I have a companion who enriches and pushes me because then I know we are on the same page, not just someone in the background while I do things by myself. If I am alive, I want to feel alive, not complacent and passive, otherwise I think why live or have a relationship at all?

What is unreasonable?

Edited October 9, 2018 by DeannaDevil

[thehero]

dont date them for your vision for who they can be, but who they are

[SFRL]

1 hour ago, DeannaDevil said:

@SFRL I would like us to be able to bounce off each other's ideas and have fun creating together. I feel connection over it. I would like to feel I have a companion who enriches and pushes me because then I know we are on the same page, not just someone in the background while I do things by myself. If I am alive, I want to feel alive, not complacent and passive, otherwise I think why live or have a relationship at all?

That seems unreasonable to me. If he is not a creative person to begin with. Then you should have found yourself a creative boyfriend, if it is that important to you. Instead of molding this one into something he is not. 

That would be like me wanting to have a slender girlfriend who is into fitness and healthy eating. And then I get myself a fat girl. And then I start to force her to loose weight and go to the gym by making all sorts of shitty comments about her figure. It would have made more sense for me to find a girlfriend who is fit to begin with then right? 

I think it's your own responsibility to motivate yourself. As it is his own responsibility to motivate himself. That really should not be your job. 

Now him being a rudderless guy without any ambition that is a problem. 

If anything I think he supplicates and 'supports' you too much actually. Rather then setting his own course. Women want a guy they can look up to it's just female nature. 

But to me that does not mean he should try to be more creative if that is not him. He needs to stop supplicating to you.

A good book to read for him, and maybe you as well is: The Rational Male. By Rollo Tomassi. 

He also has two more books after that. 

If you watch the video below you will get the gist of it. Although the book goes much deeper and into more nuance. 

Really the guy you are with sounds too pussy-whipped. Too much trying to be in touch with his 'feminine side'.  And obviously he is not on his purpose at all. 

 

Edited October 9, 2018 by SFRL

[DeannaDevil]

When I say creative I don't necessarily mean artsy, just applying his own ideas in some way and offering something of his own. If he were to start a business for example, I don't care what kind of business it would be as long as he put his heart into the foundation. I was drawn to other parts of his nature, but over time as I changed, my perception of him did too and I began to focus on other aspects. Thanks for the book suggestion though.

Edited October 9, 2018 by DeannaDevil

[Aquarius]

You cannot change a person against his will, but you can inspire him by being the best version of yourself. And the decision is yours alone to leave or stay, no one can decide for you, thankfully.

[Your place at Heart]

18 hours ago, DeannaDevil said:

Early on in my life I accepted that I would spend life by myself, out of fear of the pain relationships would put me through because of my insecurities with my appearance. In some ways, my boyfriend is the type of person I used to believe did not exist. He has made me less cynical and avoidant, though I still think he is quite rare, so I have developed an attachment to him. However, my sense of repulsion towards him is growing despite this. I feel I am only with him for my own validation and do not actually love him, but we have a son and because of this I want to learn if I can love him unconditionally. My boyfriend lives a very passive existence, he has no ambition or desire to be creative. He does not inspire me with my own creativity, he just watches Star Trek and Doctor Who and plays video games. I have major trouble accepting this and it turns me off. All of our goals are actually my goals and he is simply along for the ride, he does not want them like I do. Even with his diet, he falls back to comforts constantly, and he complains constantly about being sore. I feel hindered by him. He is a good father and is very loving towards me, but we don't have anything in common, not even our humor, and conversation never feels stimulating between us. He does not deserve my insults when I get frustrated with him, so I am wondering why I do not accept him. Is this issue really about me and he is just the trigger?

Don't just leave him, do not listen to anyone else here. You have baby here and dad is important and you are not the future baby, the baby is, You are the now. The problem is that your ego has changed and developed and grown and so your perspective, the way you look at life and your core values . He is the same guy that you dated him, he has not changed but you did. You have to accept him and love him unconditionally. Life is not made for you to be with purpose, life as sadhguru the indian mystic said is devoid of meaning and passion and only crazy people have ambitions. Painters and artist were crazy, people like hitler was an artist, and killer. .etc. You are here to live and explore your body and being entirely, having ambitions is just part of what the ego to feel wanted and loved and recognized and validated and appreciated among others and have spotlight and that's not bad thing, its just how everyone of us is wired like that.

You can change him by changing yourself, by physically becoming sexier and even your gestures and the way you speak, and attract him but be aloof with him and sexually hard to get unless he does what you say. Use indirect jealousy to pinch him, like when you go out look at other men and say OH what a man, if only I have man like that, sadly I wish my manly nough to take care of me. Just constantly pinch him until he changes. Trust me, Your boyfriend can man up and he is the only man you will ever need, you just need to become far more sexier by going to gym, working on yourself and distancing yourself and he will feel as if you are going to get out of his life and this can make him become the man of your dreams. he will work on himself. Most people are just like your boyfriend and us spiritual self-actualizes are negligible  in numbers compared to masses.

Just continue to tell him that you would leave him and force him to pay the child support if he does man up and become one some great with goals and ambitions, you are simply not going to settle with less than a man, who is going to make her life better. Just tell him to meditate and look into the power of now, tell him how you fantasize a mascular man, a real man and that will hurt his current false sense image and his ego will make him work. Trust me

 

Edited October 9, 2018 by Your place at Heart

[RichardY]

@DeannaDevil If you had a son with him, he's not your boyfriend.

Guy's an adult, which means either he looks after his son, provides an education and does the housework. Or looks at providing for his woman and child. The focus is not on himself, any more.

[Arkandeus]

First of all you should aim to see the situation more clearly, you are talking in very extreme black or white terms
 

Quote

 

he has no ambition or desire to be creative.

but we don't have anything in common, not even our humor, and

conversation never feels stimulating between us.

 

This is really black/white painting, if you want to get answers you have to look at things more sensibly and honestly

It may seem like a small thing to say "there is mostly no stimulating conversation between" instead of "there is never any stimulating conversation" but its a BIG difference

If you want to advance you need to be honest, if you want to criticize someone, you should also mention the positive about them, this overexaggeration creates a tendency to completely oversee and deny whats good about the other person and what that the other person brings to you

I cannot believe that you have nothing in common with your partner, your son for one, is something quite important to have in common, and if you guys came together there had to be things you matched about,I'm not saying your criticism is unwarranted or not legit, but it needs to be honest and not distorted

 

What I'm seeing is that your vibration seems to be higher then your partner, and you seem to be annoyed at your boyfriend for being lower, for not being as conscious and awake

You said that your boyfriend approached you when you were in a bad place yourself, so in that time he had a higher vibration then you.

Now we're here, so you can either give up on your boyfriend because you do not think he deserves you to put in effort and attention into pulling his vibration up, meaning that you would be the one inspiring him, you would be the one pulling him him up this time, either you give up on him because you think he would not make an honest effort, or because perhaps he's not very loving to you as it is now in the relationship

Or either you try to love and help him raise his vibration with patience and positivity, it will take patience and positivity, in this case you believe your boyfriend deserves it and you believe he does have ambition and love for life

Edited October 11, 2018 by Arkandeus

[Arkandeus]

Quote

Use indirect jealousy to pinch him, like when you go out look at other men and say OH what a man, if only I have man like that, sadly I wish my manly nough to take care of me. Just constantly pinch him until he changes. Trust me, Your boyfriend can man up and he is the only man you will ever need, you just need to become far more sexier by going to gym, working on yourself and distancing yourself and he will feel as if you are going to get out of his life and this can make him become the man of your dreams. he will work on himself. Most people are just like your boyfriend and us spiritual self-actualizes are negligible  in numbers compared to masses.

Just continue to tell him that you would leave him and force him to pay the child support if he does man up and become one some great with goals and ambitions, you are simply not going to settle with less than a man, who is going to make her life better. Just tell him to meditate and look into the power of now, tell him how you fantasize a mascular man, a real man and that will hurt his current false sense image and his ego will make him work. Trust me

I don't know if this is sarcastic or not, but please, anyone, never listen to this sort of advice

[Hellspeed]

Inspire him, open yourself down and up, in the process you open him.

Best of luck!