It frustrates me that guys might not want to have sex with me?

[Emerald]

Just now, Mikael89 said:

I see.

No I don't. No point in approaching anyone since I'm useless.

I'm beyond "reserved" and even "shy", I can almost guarantee that you are not even aware of that "mega shy" people like me exists because you have never seen one. 

You write really nice replies, thank you. I like you.

There's no reason for you to believe this. There is nothing wrong with you, other than that you believe these things about yourself. And if you don't approach women, you'll never know if they like you. Women don't tend to approach men. So, how can you be so sure that no women like you if you've never tried?

[bejapuskas]

@Mikael89  I think there is nothing bad about being single but come on... your perspective seems so negative. I have been at the point where you are now, single. I was depressed every freaking day, I know what its like to feel like you, I lost all my respect in one day. 

But you shouldnt take it like you are useless, you are just stuck in false beliefs. You should experiment, read about human psychology and spiral dynamics stage blue. I think you not understanding these is limiting your life so much. 

Its not the status of being single, but rather your attitude towards it. It can be made better for sure, there is no way it cant be, just stop being a victim, it can be done and its worth it. You will just stress otherwise.

[Fuku]

7 hours ago, Emerald said:

Women don't tend to approach men.

I know it shouldn't, but it's still frustrating as hell to me, being relatively introverted
One on hand it seems like just an excuse for me not to get shit done and take initiative, on the other hand it seems frustrating that I have to try and be more alpha when it's not in my nature (I made progress on talking to people and being more opened, I was ultra scared before, men or women, but I still can't see myself acting and thinking like most men do.

Yeah. Definitly excuses tho. There is certainly a path to flirting and being attractive without being an alpha male stereotype.

[Emerald]

24 minutes ago, Fuku said:

I know it shouldn't, but it's still frustrating as hell to me, being relatively introverted
One on hand it seems like just an excuse for me not to get shit done and take initiative, on the other hand it seems frustrating that I have to try and be more alpha when it's not in my nature (I made progress on talking to people and being more opened, I was ultra scared before, men or women, but I still can't see myself acting and thinking like most men do.

Yeah. Definitly excuses tho. There is certainly a path to flirting and being attractive without being an alpha male stereotype.

At the same time though. I always knew the guys that I liked. So, it wasn't like they weren't interacting with me platonically. It was just that there was never a sign of interest shown. So, I was afraid to show interest in fear of being rejected. It never felt like my attraction would be received well. Also, there's always the thought, "If I show interest he's going to think I'm easy or desperate." 

So, to imagine actually approaching a guy that I like is such a scary thought. I don't even want him to know that I like him for fear of rejection. At least, this was how it was when I was single. 

So, whenever I actually did go out with a guy... it was either because I wasn't so interested in him that I was afraid to show my feeling (these always lasted like a few days to a few weeks... this was always how it was in my early teens) or he approached me or we were just acquaintances/friends that started mutually flirting and sort of ramping up our flirting gradually until something happened. 

So, even though I intellectually knew that most men would at the very least be flattered by my interest, it always felt like "He's probably not going to like me, and think I'm weird or easy." 

So, I understand the discomfort. And it is a shame that men mostly have to approach to have a chance. But at the same time, it's not like women aren't in an uncomfortable place all their own... especially more reserved women.

[aurum]

51 minutes ago, Fuku said:

it seems frustrating that I have to try and be more alpha when it's not in my nature

The reframe here is that you should LIKE that it's hard. And that you have to put in more effort. Here's why:

The benefits of becoming more of an "alpha male" are tremendous. And not just because of the girls. You also get things like self-esteem, emotional mastery, purpose, etc.

But if it wasn't hard, you would never change. What you're perceiving as you having to "try and be more alpha" is actually the emotional leverage you need to grow. Otherwise you would just stay the same.

So even though it hurts, it's also a blessing.

A girl who rejects you is supporting you. It's a reminder that it doesn't matter what other people think and to let go of needing approval.

You say that being an "alpha male" isn't in your nature, but is that true? Did you come out the womb being negative, feeling like a victim and scared of rejection? Or was that a learned behavior you adopted due to experiences you had growing up?

I actually feel like being an "alpha male" is the most natural thing there is for a guy. The fact that it isn't normal though is a testament of what's happening in society.

Of course it's also hard to take this perspective when you're in the middle of it. But I think if you look at it objectively, you'll see that it's logical.

[Fuku]

4 hours ago, Emerald said:

"If I show interest he's going to think I'm easy or desperate." 

Yep. RSD got that right. Most men can't see it (?) but you seem to confirm that woman are afraid about their image and being labelled as "slut" (which is a ridiculous word to me, but let's say things as they are and how society labels them)

And thanks for understanding the discomfort of having to do be part of a gender that's supposed to do the approach no matter how you look at it.
I want to stop complaining about it and become stronger tho. It's like that so I have to play the game, absorb some orange values that I totally lack, and practice.


I totally approve your whole post. The worst thing is that I know and understand those things but I'm still not applying them because my situation ( mostly because I work only nights, this kills social life and I have no skills to change jobs and a loan, but I plan on quitting and I'm thinking really hard about how to do it...) gives me excuses not to go out and meet girls.

(sorry for rambling. But again thanks. Your post puts back some more motivation in me.)
 

Edited September 17, 2018 by Fuku

[bejapuskas]

6 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

Try to look beyond your own little perspective, everyone are not like you, you know.

People should fucking stop projecting their shit on other people. "I could change so everyone can change." People/egos are different, it should not be that difficult to understand.

You are probably right here, everyone in this thread, including you should apply this advice to their lives.

 

6 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

Some people cannot change, just accept that, or not and be ignorant.

I cannot understand, how is this not an obvious trap, maybe I am wrong, I am not in your shoes. Can you maybe describe your situation more precisely?

Saying just this and similar things to this seem like victim thinking. Its like a deep blue limitation - you think you should stay like you, because that was always you and you shouldnt be dishonest with yourself and others.

The point that you are writing the stuff you are writing in the sexuality and relationships section says something about how you think. If you want to change something, you cannot stay this self you are, its impossible, I dont care about your relationship status, your job or anything, nobody does, but I assume you do want to adjust some parts of your life if you are on this forum. 

In fact, you can be like this, but change the perspective. This one we are seeing seems so stressful. If you dont mind the side effects of stress, go with it, but its not recommended by almost anyone.

 

If you want to skip here before reading the whole text, be aware of your own ignorance. I dont want to be just as everyone else and tell the same advice to everyone else. It just seems that you are deeply stuck and we want to help you. Its like we are in other dimension, we see what you dont and you can actually evolve and see the thing. When we were at your point, we also didnt want to change, but it honestly feels great. I dont mean being extroverted and banging girls, in fact, I am super introverted and single. Maybe you can keep doing most of the stuff youre doing now but changing the perspective, thus keeping some of your healthy beliefs and moving forward. There is always room for improvement. I dont know if this is gonna help you, maybe you just need time.

[bejapuskas]

@Mikael89  Thats just you pointing out the mistakes of others... Really, stop it, it will destroy your life and you will have fewer opportunities and experiences. It is no good.

You cannot change a perspective in an instant, thats like your old perspective is criticising the new one and you only see it black and white. Thats like not changing it at all. There is a huge freaking difference between having this or that perspective.

example: I dont have a girlfriend. My life sucks, I will never be fulfilled, I am absolutely useless, the whole universe is against me, everyone is a god damn fake and I cannot change, otherwise I will become a dishonest slut that cannot like him/herself as he/she is.

example 2: I dont have a girlfriend, but who gives a sh**, I need to survive, my family has no food. I need to go to the market and sell to earn for livelihood. Maybe someday I will have time to do that.

example 3: I dont have a girlfriend, because I am a heterosexual girl.

example 4: I dont have a girlfriend, because I actually feel good not having one. (you cannot see this perspective from the box you are in probably, its not like a bad thing, even gurus, that I assume you admire in at least some cases, talk about.) It feels like every relationship I would have will be super low consciousness and I need to do the actual work to experience the real thing.

[Shin]

19 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

@bejapuskas Well, I have accepted that I will never have a girlfriend in my life. But I will indeed be sad about it my whole life, and every time I see a cute girl I just want to die, etc. 

I could not handle a break up anyway so it's probably better to stay single the whole life.

It's no news that life is suffering, it is what it is. The positive thing is that the suffering probably increases the chance of getting enlightened.

And yes it feels like we are in different dimensions, that's why I hate when people tell me: "You can change". Don't freaking say that.. There is something weird with me which makes me unchangeable. It feels like it's so deeply built into my soul that I will have the same kind of personality in next life and/or in "heaven" or whatever.

You seriously limit your chance if you don't get the balls to deal with your fear.

Not only that, but meanwhile you seek you suffer way much more than you need too.

[d0ornokey]

@Mikael89 is your limitation caused by an understanding grounded in a truth? Or by a limiting belief, negative emotion, past experience? 

you will benefit from leo's victim mentality video

Edited September 17, 2018 by d0ornokey

[Emerald]

8 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

You guys/girls are naive, so just shut up, tyvm.

If you dislike your situation but you don't believe you can change, then why do you come to this forum? Why even watch Leo's videos or any self-help videos at all? 

I think it's because you know, deep down, that you CAN actually improve. You probably are just not emotionally ready to take on that responsibility of taking your life into your own hands because you're afraid you will fail. So, you don't even try and you tell yourself change is impossible, because if you fail when you've REALLY tried your best then you would probably would feel bad about it beyond what you're willing to feel... or what you think you're capable of handling emotions-wise. 

But if you don't try at all and you fail, then it doesn't feel as bad because you know that you didn't really try. You're not wanting to see what you're made of because you fear that you will fail... not because you think change is impossible. That's just a story for keeping yourself in your comfort zone.

That's my guess anyway. 

Failing when you've tried takes a much higher degree of emotional labor in comparison to failing as a result of not trying. 

[ajasatya]

28 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

You guys/girls are naive, so just shut up, tyvm.

being in a context that instigates personal improvement while running away from change is just a waste of time. you're the one being naive.

instead of telling people to shut up, why don't you run away? run as fast as you can.

3 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

I come here because I want to get enlightened.

what the hell do you think enlightenment is? do you think you can be healed without facing your shit? get real...

[Emerald]

3 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

@Emerald I come here because I want to get enlightened. Getting enlightened is priority #1, improving my ego is lower priority. Getting enlightened is going beyond all this ego nonsense (having a girlfriend and shit).

"Be the cow that jumped over the moon."

- Mooji

 

I don't watch any videos from Leo because he is not enlightened (or any self-help videos). I only watch videos (and read books) from enlightened beings about getting enlightened.

Enlightenment is transcending the concept "improving", enlightenment is destroying the whole fucking concept of "improving".

All this bullshit is just a dream happening in Consciousness.

I'm ready to die, you don't seem to understand that.

Fair enough. But when I had my experiences of ego transcendence, one of the main facets of it was unconditional love toward absolutely everything and accepting what is.

It seems to me that you do have a desire to change those aspects, and are only really seeking enlightenment to get away from that desire to change. This resistance will likely come into conflict with your desires toward enlightenment, as enlightenment requires perfect love for everything that is now. 

How are you going to go about the level of acceptance, awareness, and integration needed to resonate at the level of perfect love? 

[Spiral]

Change is hard and takes a lot of work and effort. Most don’t succeed so let’s not pretend it’s easy but it’s possible.

[Emerald]

22 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

@Emerald All desires are seen. No problem. It's like building a wormhole (shortcut) in space so you travel 1000 lightyears in an instant.

The accepting what is/love part will hopefully come, so I will accept and love my current situation. My current situation should not be a hindrance to enlightenment.

Not quite. If my experiences beyond ego are any indication of what permanent enlightenment is like, then the wormhole to space and traveling 1000 lightyears in an instant isn't really inaccurate.

One thing that was very remarkable about the experience of being beyond ego was that it was very subtle and ultra-mundane. I had been in heaven my entire life, but I was too closed off to realize it. God had been everywhere all the time, but I was too insulated from it to know. So, when I let go of ego, I was experiencing the same things as I had always been experiencing. The only difference was that I was no longer insulated by my ego. I was conscious of being when before I could only think. And these were by far the most profound experiences of my life.

But I had a huge ego at the time with tons of neuroses... two of which being a compulsion toward self-improvement and workaholism. I did these things because I hated myself, and I wanted to save myself from my own inferiority. But it worked really well in life. I was able to achieve a lot of things and truly improve my life's situation. It was just motivated by a lot of unhealthy repressions and mindsets.

I'm inclined to think that I lined up with those experiences when no one else who was taking the same entheogen as me because my will-power was off the charts and my ego was so complex and big that it was difficult to maintain. So, when I surrendered, I couldn't easily pick the ego back up again. It was difficult to maintain as it was because I expected excellence and exceptionality in myself in every situation. There was never rest.

So, it's my inclination to think that it's much easier to transcend an ego that's strong and big as opposed to transcending a weak ego. That's just a thought though. I'm unsure if that's true. 

But don't be too sure that you are fully aware of all your desires. One thing that shocked me about my first experience of ego transcendence was the fact that I was CONSTANTLY lying to myself. So, there were so many desires and feelings that I literally didn't know... even though I did deep down. 

Edited September 17, 2018 by Emerald

[bejapuskas]

@Mikael89 I think you are in a state so deeply depressed, that literally nothing can change your mind = enlightenment is nowhere near, its like more opposite way than the opposite way. 

You are talking as if it were no growth available for you. Maybe you can watch the video Zen Devil from Leo. It will basically will tell you, that there were deeply enlightened people, who were not like Leo, who probably couldve been enlightened by now, if he didnt sacrifice so much time on actualized.org anyway, they are the people, that you wouldve listened to according to what you are saying. But they were raping, stealing, murdering etc... 

Enlightenment isnt everything. Do you think Sadhguru, Tolle, Mooji, Jesus, Mohamed, Buddha, Shiva, Krishna and whichever enlightened people you are listening to, do you actually think they are stupid in the „unreal reality“? For example Sadhguru was a freaking businessman before, he wasnt a victim thinker without a „life“.  He took action in life!

[bejapuskas]

@Emerald Which meditation method did you use in order to experience this? Do you think its good to try out different methods or just stick to the one that seems to work? For example with the letting thoughts pass and do nothing method, I only had very limited improvement going on, but with the mindfulness meditation technique, my consciousness shifted in a few day. Is that an ego trap actually or is it a sign of something?

[ajasatya]

@Mikael89

http://robertmasters.com/2013/04/29/spiritual-bypassing/
http://realitysandwich.com/74388/spiritual_bypassing/

[Emerald]

5 minutes ago, bejapuskas said:

@Emerald Which meditation method did you use in order to experience this? Do you think its good to try out different methods or just stick to the one that seems to work? For example with the letting thoughts pass and do nothing method, I only had very limited improvement going on, but with the mindfulness meditation technique, my consciousness shifted in a few day. Is that an ego trap actually or is it a sign of something?

I knew nothing of spirituality at the time, and I had never meditated before. I just drank some home-brewed Ayahuasca with a bunch of other people. I did it twice, and I had experiences of ego transcendence each time that lasted a few hours a piece. But I didn't know what it was called at the time, as I wasn't looking to have any kind of experience like that. So, it took me years to even learn the terminology around it to gain more information. All I knew was that the identity I had worked so hard to create was the thing that was keeping me separate from God and holding onto my identity was causing me a lot of pain. 

But I was completely unprepared and spiritually immature, so I didn't understand the nature of paradox. So, I just believed that I had been 100% wrong my entire life. I had always been trying to succeed in life, but the insights I was getting seemed to invalidate even living a decent life. So, I spent years afterward floundering. 

Then I found Jungian psychology where I started to learn how the psyche functioned. I immersed myself in that for about a year. Then, several years ago I found Leo's videos about enlightenment. So, I was like "HOLY CRAP! That's what I experienced!!!!" I wasn't even looking for it. Ironically, I just found Leo's videos because I was trying to spice things up in the bedroom. 

But I've never had such an experience sober. But I'm inclined to think that resonating at the level of perfect love and surrendering to the perfection of reality is what's needed to transcend the ego. And all teachings and practices are essentially leading to that end. 

So, if anything subtle or overt in your worldview contradicts this, then this is likely impeding progress. 

[ajasatya]

@Mikael89 it's very easy to smell attachment. telling ignorance from wisdom comes naturally. the way you resonated with the OP was quite intriguing...