Am I full of shit? *LOLLAPOLOOZA EDITION*

[RendHeaven]

Hey all, as of now I'm currently living in Chicago Illinois. As you may or may not know, there is a MASSIVE annual music festival going on right now called Lollapolooza, with all the hottest pop culture icons lining the streets putting on a show for literally half a million people. A huge portion of my friends are attending, and all of their social media is drowning in them taking videos of their experience. The majority of them seem to be having lots and lots of fun. Drinking and smoking seems to be standard here, while the crowd of thousands jump and scream to their favorite songs. Boy, it must be real mind numbing but perhaps that's part of the appeal

Anyway, on to the main point, I'm sitting here at home looking at this and I can't help but feel VERY arrogant. I can tell that I have an instinctive sense of "hah, look at them wasting away their lives, numbing their brains, getting wasted and actively devolving as a mob with no purpose." I can sense that I feel better than them and that to a certain degree I pity them. I believe that they are all suffering and this whole party culture is glorified escapism... the last thing anyone needs. Of course, stuff like this happens on a smaller scale all the time (going out with the boys/girls, etc.) but the fact that this is a cultural phenomenon where I live is what's really getting to me. People are excited to do this. They're looking forward to it and it's encouraged.

Now for the juicy stuff... recently my point of focus whenever I am contemplating is "how am I full of shit?" This is particularly powerful because you are able to dig up things you've never known about yourself before. For example, just recently I discovered that I'm in this journey for my ego. I think that's somewhat obvious in retrospect, but the ramifications never hit me. To put it simply, I'm a validation whore. I'm such a validation whore that I pretend not to need validation (to the world and to myself) just so that when I get it, I come off as even better. I'm always competitive. I always want to be better. I realized that I'm not interested in enlightenment work for Truth's sake, but rather for selfish reasons. I want to be able to say "I have the Truth!"

Now I'm wondering if my judgement of Lollapolooza is full of shit as well. I know through theory that all judgement is untenable, that on a nondualistic scale it's just me pointing fingers at myself and pretending there are boundaries. I'm also aware of some valid counterarguments, for example "hey man it's just one week of partying and letting go of stress and responsibility, there's no need to be so anal about it, there's no harm in having fun." Despite this, some part of me still feels (intuitively) that the path of contemplation and meditation is more rich and meaningful. I can't help but see how hollow this cultural party mentality is.

I'm willing to hear thoughts on this, I'd be nice to hear different perspectives. Am I full of shit? Am I being arrogant and anal? Or are thousands of people really degenerating as I'm describing? Both? Neither? Or is the whole question meaningless? Thanks for reading

Edited August 3, 2018 by RendHeaven

[MarinM]

Just keep being honest like that with yourself

More you see yourself, more you understand

[Revamped]

32 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

I believe that they are all suffering and this whole party culture is glorified escapism

Doesn't look like suffering for me)

[RendHeaven]

1 hour ago, Revamped said:

Doesn't look like suffering for me)

That's a good point. In the moment it's all shits and giggles but I guarantee you that the vast majority of those people are unable to sit quietly in a room by themselves and be content. That shit haunts you eventually, you know. You'll grow old and solitude will catch up to you... it's a matter of when you face it, not if. I think going out and partying once in a while isn't bad per se, but when it's culturally encouraged that's when I start to feel pity. Have you seen Leo's video titled "30 ways society fucks you up the ass?" He talks about how a lot of our daily life is "an amusement park for the ego." Realizing nonduality is so bloody hard to begin with, the way people party like there's nothing better to do is just insult to injury. I've tried talking to my friends about this stuff you know, all they do is go out all the time and it seems they will continue to do that haha more power to them I suppose?

[Emerald]

@RendHeaven I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you already know everything you need to know, and that you aren't actually looking for advice. It's all been one big lie!!!! 

Consider that perhaps this post is just another ploy to get a sense of validation. Like, "Look how aware I am of my shortcomings. That makes me the good one... right?" What you really want is to feel valid, because you don't feel valid at all. You need to look for qualifiers of your validity in the external world. So, you judge others in order to create a standard to deem yourself important by, which necessitates deeming others as less important and less valid. 

It is only in your ability to create these arbitrary standards of good/bad and worthy/unworthy, that you can attempt to measure up and convince yourself for even a moment of time that you're worthy of being. 

But in creating these arbitrary standards, your judgments are cutting the floor of consciousness out from under you. You're closing up more and more, because you don't want to act like those unwise peasants out enjoying the plebeian delights of Lollapalooza. You seek to "other" yourself from them. 

This creates a split in consciousness every time you do this.

Because everything is you. If you judge any aspect of that "you" as invalid, it is relegated to unconsciousness. And enlightenment NECESSITATES perfect love. If your heart is heavier than a feather, you will not pass. And enlightenment is also the only way to truly recognize your unshakable validity. 

I recommend continuing to discover the inescapability of the need for validation, and the necessary world view and judgments that you have set up to create a system for it. 

[Rinne]

@RendHeaven ?!

[Revamped]

10 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

Have you seen Leo's video titled "30 ways society fucks you up the ass?"

I've watched and listened to it audio version more than 30 times actually. Just to constantly remind myself of these traps 

But since I remember, I always loved music. I wouldn't mind going and having fun without being drunk/high and holding a phone all the time.

[Athena]

I am still in the early phases of this work but I've grown so much from who I was last year. 

Last year I would constantly change my watsapp dp to spiritual quotes. It was such a cry for validation and attention in retrospect. I posted stuff that a regular person wont understand. I felt better than everyone in my circle and kept trying to preach. The more I preached the crazier I seemed to them and ofcourse became known as a debby downer. 

I have since learned to just be silent and focus on myself. Shit I have so much work to do in my life and my kids lives I simply dont have the time to judge others like I used to. Once I start to live my purpose I know the questions will arise, only then will I "preach". 

[aurum]

13 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

I'm willing to hear thoughts on this, I'd be nice to hear different perspectives. Am I full of shit? Am I being arrogant and anal? Or are thousands of people really degenerating as I'm describing? Both? Neither? Or is the whole question meaningless? Thanks for reading

I've been to similar music festivals of the same caliber. Not going to lie, they were pretty amazing experiences. I don't regret them at all.

I also spend a good amount of time in the night club scene here in Miami. You definitely see a lot of what you are talking about, with people just numbing themselves with drugs and alcohol.

The reason I don't judge these people is because I was them. I was the guy doing lines of coke in the bathroom and getting wasted all the time.

 

Another funny thing about the party scene is that the higher you go up the ladder of social status in these environments, the less people are often concerned with partying.

Here's an example. The best night club promoter in all of Miami is a vegan who does yoga and is into personal development. That might sound surprising on the surface, but it's not. How did he get to be the best promoter? Because he's got a vision, he works hard, believes in himself and is always positive.

But your average club promoter? They're the ones drinking excessively, doing drugs and running their lives into the ground. That's why their business never really takes off.

I think if you spent more time in the scene instead of assuming things from afar, you're going to realize that a lot of your beliefs don't hold up.

[metamorphose]

To answer your question shortly: yes your thoughts are full of shit.

You are basically giving yourself validation by talking down on others. Cause objectively there is nothing better or worse in the way you  than in the way the festival attendees „decide“ to act.

[Colin]

well there are psychological and emotional benefits to
 

• dancing
• listening to music
• being in sunshine
• being social
• drinking (in moderation in the right context
• smoking (in moderation in the right context, actually you could say this about everything on this list)
• seeing novel things
• dancing with a crowd
• light shows
• exercise

The relevant questions are

1. Do you want to be there?
2. Are you healthy enough to be there?
3. Did you plan well enough?
4. Can you afford to be there?
    

One thing that has proven psychological and emotional detriment is viewing social media.

[zenjen]

@Emerald nailed it. I’d recommend watching Leo’s videos on the topic of judgment and becoming more aware that all of the judgements you are making are basically piles of shit. He has a practical exercise for you in this video:

Theres also a book called “Judgement Detox” by Gabrielle Bernstein if you want to go a little deeper into the spiritual side of this topic and learn more practical exercises.

[RendHeaven]

@Emerald Wonderful response! I hadn't even thought of that but if I'm really honest that motive was definitely there. Looks like there's a lot more to the question of how I'm full of shit  "If your heart is heavier than a feather, you will not pass." This really hit me hard. Did you come up with that?

To be clear though, I really was curious to know if these feelings were "ok" or not. I'm glad we got various perspectives here. To everyone else, I do want to clarify that I'm not actively sitting around brooding about how "bad" these people are, nor do I call them out for anything. No need to crusade. More simply, I'm noticing that these judgements arise, and I'm asking if that's justified.

Part of me thinks it's better to just ask these questions of myself, and that the forum may just be a distraction (or even a validation trap!!) but I'm really glad I posted. Thanks guys.

[Emerald]

14 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

@Emerald Wonderful response! I hadn't even thought of that but if I'm really honest that motive was definitely there. Looks like there's a lot more to the question of how I'm full of shit  "If your heart is heavier than a feather, you will not pass." This really hit me hard. Did you come up with that?

To be clear though, I really was curious to know if these feelings were "ok" or not. I'm glad we got various perspectives here. To everyone else, I do want to clarify that I'm not actively sitting around brooding about how "bad" these people are, nor do I call them out for anything. No need to crusade. More simply, I'm noticing that these judgements arise, and I'm asking if that's justified.

Part of me thinks it's better to just ask these questions of myself, and that the forum may just be a distraction (or even a validation trap!!) but I'm really glad I posted. Thanks guys.

Thank you!  

The heart and feather comment was in reference to the Ancient Egyptian fable called "The Weighing of the Heart." Basically, in order to pass into the afterlife, everyone had to come to the hall of judgment to have their hearts weighed. If their heart was lighter than a feather, they were allowed to pass into the afterlife. But if it was any heavier than a feather, they could not pass into the afterlife.

Now, I took it out of the context of being about dying and the afterlife, because I think there's another meaning that relates to enlightenment. So, I see it as being, 'If you want to return to the source of your being (God), you must love everything perfectly and unconditionally.' 

But as for your questions about judgments arising, as long as you are identified with ego you will have judgments arise. They are an inevitability. The best thing you can do is to understand that they don't come from "you". They psyche thinks without an operator making it think this or that. So, it's not your fault that judgments come up. You can't stop it by force. That would just be repressing judgment. 

But mind-bogglingly, if you try to suppress the judgments then you are also being invalidating of the judgments coming up, which are just as much a part of God. So, if you don't have perfect love for the judgments, your heart will be heavier than a feather and you will not pass. You'll just have your judgments and your judgments of the judgments at war with each other in your mind.

So, accept that you have judgments and watch them mindfully and with detachment. The judgments mean nothing at all. They are ultimately just sounds in your head. But don't try to sugar-coat it to make yourself look better to yourself.

Find the ugly and nasty in you and accept it is part of your internal landscape. Trust me, there are things in every single person's psyche that are WAY darker than petty judgments. So, start with the petty judgments, and see where they lead you. 

And if you have judgments about the people having fun at Lollapalooza, figure out exactly what those judgments are. Then, think about how you would feel about yourself if you engaged in the same type of behavior.

 

Would you feel shame and embarrassment to be seen the same way as you see them?

Would you imagine there is another guy out there (like you) that's out there looking down upon you for your enjoyments?

Or do you imagine the more than one person would judge you in this way? Or everyone?

What would it do to your self-image if you went to Lollapalooza and enjoyed yourself there in the same way? Would you deny that you got anything from it to protect the self-image? Would you feel like you needed to hide this enjoyment from yourself to preserve the ideas that you hold true about yourself?

In creating these judgments, does it help you feel safer from being invalidated by giving you a clear idea of what it is to be invalidated and validated?

Do you feel tightness in your chest and stomach and heat in your face and neck, when you imagine being seen that way?

 

[Charlotte]

@Emerald  Apologies to @RendHeaven for jumping on here. 

Emerald, what if all the answers to your most previous questions was yes?

[Emerald]

7 hours ago, Charlotte said:

@Emerald  Apologies to @RendHeaven for jumping on here. 

Emerald, what if all the answers to your most previous questions was yes?

Simply put, it means that you are identified with ego. So, it's very normal.

But it also means that the ego structure is rigid in that way and may be rigid in other ways too if that judgmental tendency is taken in to other facets of life, and it likely is.

One of the problems with ego identification is that, as we get older, we tend to add more and more 'rules' to what we can do and what we can like and what we can identify with. This amounts to adding more and more chains to our prison as we get older, because we get really specific about our ego, and we want to exclude everything that isn't what we want to see ourselves as.

For example, as children, we could find joy playing in a ball pit. But one day, we realized that this was socially unacceptable for someone of an adult age to un-ironically play around in a ball pit. So, we decided to grow out of it. So, we cut away the part of ourselves that enjoys that type of play. And it was an actual part of ourselves... like a horcrux of sorts.  And that part of ourselves lives in the shadow, unconscious to us but still there.

The unfortunate thing is that, in order to keep our ego the way that we want to see ourselves and be seen, we have to cut away different outlets for joy and happiness. So, our prison of ego gets smaller and smaller as our ego gets more refined, judgmental, and selective. We kind of cut the floor out from under ourselves. We close up more and more possibilities for feeling joy, bliss, and love.

And life becomes like petting a cat with a thick rubber glove on, very insulated from the experience. And it just doesn't really feel like you're petting a cat... it all just feel like the inside of a rubber glove. 

[Charlotte]

@Emerald Thank you so much for your reply. I totally understand what you mean. So how do we begin to cut through the bs?

[RendHeaven]

 

@Emerald Hmm you know that's interesting, I would actually say no to all those questions. I've stopped caring about the opinions of other people quite awhile ago, if some guy is looking down on me from afar, more power to him haha. That's assuming I even went to a music festival. I don't stay away from them because "fun is bad" or because I somehow have to be a cut above the crowd. Rather, I simply don't like pop music! You're much more likely to catch me at a concert hall listening to a symphony  

That being said, you could still apply the same line of questioning there, for example how would I feel if I knew that there were people out there actively disdaining me for going to a concert hall? Well, in that case I still wouldn't care haha. Really. People bullied me in middle school for listening to classical, and for about a month I remember listening to only the newest hit songs to fit in. It was like selling my soul. I've tried fitting in for the sake of validation (many times) and every time I learn that it's not worth it. At this point, the activities that run my life are done for my own sake.

When I "judge" people for partying, it's not that I cannot bear to see myself in that position. I would party my ass off if that were appealing to me...trust me. I'm very spontaneous and emotionally driven. But I genuinely don't find partying interesting. I've done it, self reflected, and seen that I feel hollow when it's all over. So I don't think my judgement is your standard defense mechanism, it's a lot more subtle. It's not even a thought. It's an almost undetectable pride, I suppose, which just makes me feel superior when I see "low consciousness" activity around me.

Just yesterday for example I decided to go out to the lake to meditate, and then this group of young men sat down a few feet away from me and started blasting rap music and smoking pot. Instantly, (it wasn't even a thought, more of a sensation) I began feeling superior. Almost like "hah they have to intoxicate themselves to quiet their minds... I don't need that! Listen to the lyrics in that song... it's all about 'bitches and money.' Poor kids, I hope they realize there's more to life..." (that's what the sensation felt like, that wasn't the actual dialogue in my mind). Sometimes this feeling of superiority is so subtle that I don't even notice it. I've only recently started to notice it.

If I'm even more honest, it feels good. But surely, infinity must feel better  At this point, what else can I do but observe?

[Emerald]

31 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

 

@Emerald Hmm you know that's interesting, I would actually say no to all those questions. I've stopped caring about the opinions of other people quite awhile ago, if some guy is looking down on me from afar, more power to him haha. That's assuming I even went to a music festival. I don't stay away from them because "fun is bad" or because I somehow have to be a cut above the crowd. Rather, I simply don't like pop music! You're much more likely to catch me at a concert hall listening to a symphony  

That being said, you could still apply the same line of questioning there, for example how would I feel if I knew that there were people out there actively disdaining me for going to a concert hall? Well, in that case I still wouldn't care haha. Really. People bullied me in middle school for listening to classical, and for about a month I remember listening to only the newest hit songs to fit in. It was like selling my soul. I've tried fitting in for the sake of validation (many times) and every time I learn that it's not worth it. At this point, the activities that run my life are done for my own sake.

Then, perhaps it has to do more with how you want to see yourself than how you want to be seen by others. When I was a teenager, I had a bit of this. I didn't care if others looked down on me for things that I looked well upon myself for.

So, at the time, I really enjoyed gothic dress, and my hometown is pretty old-fashioned and rednecky. So, I genuinely didn't care one bit 'what a bunch of "rednecks" had to say about my style of dress.' I semi-unconsciously judged them as 'lesser' because they judged me for doing something that was a lot cooler than what they identified themselves with. So, their judgments were more of vindication of my own perceived superiority to them. 

But I was still looking to validate myself to myself. I wanted to be able to see myself in a good light, which meant very specific things that I (mostly) arbitrarily came up with. But I had mostly grown past my need to fit into social groups that didn't match up to my standards.

50 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

When I "judge" people for partying, it's not that I cannot bear to see myself in that position. I would party my ass off if that were appealing to me...trust me. I'm very spontaneous and emotionally driven. But I genuinely don't find partying interesting. I've done it, self reflected, and seen that I feel hollow when it's all over. So I don't think my judgement is your standard defense mechanism, it's a lot more subtle. It's not even a thought. It's an almost undetectable pride, I suppose, which just makes me feel superior when I see "low consciousness" activity around me.

Just yesterday for example I decided to go out to the lake to meditate, and then this group of young men sat down a few feet away from me and started blasting rap music and smoking pot. Instantly, (it wasn't even a thought, more of a sensation) I began feeling superior. Almost like "hah they have to intoxicate themselves to quiet their minds... I don't need that! Listen to the lyrics in that song... it's all about 'bitches and money.' Poor kids, I hope they realize there's more to life..." (that's what the sensation felt like, that wasn't the actual dialogue in my mind). Sometimes this feeling of superiority is so subtle that I don't even notice it. I've only recently started to notice it.

If I'm even more honest, it feels good. But surely, infinity must feel better  At this point, what else can I do but observe?

I can relate to this as well. I still get it to some degree.

Probably, what has happened is that you created a coping mechanism to deal with your feelings of being invalid and to solidify your validity. And the way to do this is to create an arbitrary standard for 'worthiness' that you can easily excel at over others.

Your standard that you've created seems to be cultured-ness, intelligence, and appreciation of 'higher' pleasures. That way, when you see a person indulged in something un-cultured, un-intellectual, and a lower pleasure, you compulsively judge because it allows you to access a hit of  "validation juice".  This helps you cope with your feelings of being invalid for a moment or two, and you feel better about your place in the world because you can assure yourself of your place in the hierarchy above the others that you judged.

So, if a person has a baseline sense of invalidity and inferiority, they will unconsciously spend ALL their time trying to prove their superiority to others to try to convince themselves that their existence is valid and that they 'deserve' to exist. 

But this is a very shaky foundation on which to live.

If you suddenly lost your ability to be able to see yourself in the light of being intelligent or cultured or of higher aesthetic taste, where would you be able to get your sense of validity?

Could you exist with positive emotions about yourself, if you could not access your "validation juice"?

Or would you feel your self-esteem wasted away and shrunken down if you went a week without invoking these self-affirming judgments?