Why Am I Trying to Impress Women Instead of Connecting With Them?

[jacknine119]

Something is blocking me from building relationships with women, and I’m starting to realize what it is.

Instead of approaching women and trying to get to know them, I focus on impressing them and maintaining a sense of mystery in their eyes. I try to look cool, act mysterious, and do things that might make them see me as someone special. I’m aware that I do this, but I can’t seem to change it.

Part of me believes that as long as I don’t approach them, as long as I don’t actually interact with them, I can preserve the image I’ve created. I can remain the cool, mysterious guy in their eyes without risking anything.

But at the same time, I’m afraid that if I actually talk to them, I’ll ruin everything. My social skills with women are pretty bad, and I feel like once I start interacting with them, they’ll realize that I’m not the person they imagined me to be.

So I end up trying to impress women from a distance instead of actually connecting with them. I want them to see me as someone attractive and interesting, but I’m afraid to give them the opportunity to see who I really am.

I understand this pattern intellectually, but understanding it hasn’t been enough to change it.

What do you think is going on deep inside me? What am I not seeing about myself? And how can I break out of this pattern?

 

Edited 18 hours ago by jacknine119

[Zenterus]

Clearly, at the core of it all is that you don't believe you're good enough as is and youre not alone in that. A lot of guys overestimate how much "game" or status or whatever they need to get girls. At the highest level, this shit is simple. We make it complicated because we dont feel worthy of the result.

But anyway, you seem to know and understand the underlying psychological mechanism that's producing this behaviour pretty well.

Time to take action. 

For a month, you will be super authentic and vulnerable with women. Maybe even veer on the side of "low value" or boring. Don't try to impress, but rather just express who you are without shame. The point isnt to attract her but to get to know her and have her get to know you, aka connection.

Id even encourage you to make it a goal to share at least 1 weakness in every interaction you have.  Maybe you have an addictive personality or a bad relationship with your family or terrible finances, etc. Whatever it is, throw that shit in there. Again, the goal is not attraction but connection, even if it friendzones you. 

More theory aint gonna fix this. Action will.

 

[Emerald]

It's important to know that ordinariness is the foundation of human connection.

As long as you try to be special or impressive to women... you can never connect with them, as connection requires being your ordinary self.

It also seems like you might tend to put women up on a pedestal. So, you don't see women as ordinary. That's also a barrier to connection.

Basically, let go of your attachment to specialness and extraordinariness... and just let yourself be ordinary and also recognize that women are ordinary.

[Olaf]

@jacknine119 I am in the same boat as you man, so many times I am talking to a girl and I am like "don't fuck it up" in my head, what is redicilous, I should just be able to talk and have a normal conversation just like with a girl I find unattractive. Often times it is the ones I like the most that I start to do all of this bullshit and then of course I can get a number of a girl I don't like so much, but the girl I am actually interested in, I get all weird about it. Solution? I don't know maybe just talk to a bunch of "unattractive" girls and then mix it with attractive girls, that is something I should be doing too, because then I will probably act more normally with the attractive ones. 

[Ulax]

You are noticing an impulse to qualify. 

Qualification is where you speak to please, impress or change your perception in the eyes of the other person. Its a common impulse.

[Olaf]

@Ulax self qualification but more so self worth, because if you think she is above you, you will use gaming techniques to still impress her, like doing too much qualifying her will also make you lose frame aswell, because why are you gaming her so hard? This is very subtle. So in a way you can't escape that you think she is above you unless you start to feel actually more self worth, some things can't be taken away by techniques in my opinion. Some techniques are useful of course, but using techniques can become its own form of qualifying yourself, because why aren't you just chill, cool and having a good time? Anyways don't listen to my advice Zenterus got more experience, but even when I met Zenterus I realised his energy is probably doing most of the work, because he is just a cool dude with good energy. 

[CARDOZZO]

Great topic.

Social media content regarding dating and female/male dynamics are full of tips to be "high value".

It causes you to be stifled, insecure and fake because you want to "be high value" 100% of the time while connecting with woman.

Just be open, vulnerable, feel comfortable on your skin, have boundaries and develop a sense of humor.

Neediness is a huge factor for working on your inner game.

 

[Ulax]

1 minute ago, Olaf said:

@Ulax self qualification but more so self worth, because if you think she is above you, you will use gaming techniques to still impress her, like doing too much qualifying her will also make you lose frame aswell, because why are you gaming her so hard? This is very subtle. So in a way you can't escape that you think she is above you unless you start to feel actually more self worth, some things can't be taken away by techniques in my opinion. Some techniques are useful of course, but using techniques can become its own form of qualifying yourself, because why aren't you just chill, cool and having a good time? Anyways don't listen to my advice Zenterus got more experience, but even when I met Zenterus I realised his energy is probably doing most of the work, because he is just a cool dude with good energy. 

Makes sense.

I'm following Todd V's school of thought atm though.

[Olaf]

@Ulax I also think Todd V has just strong self worth, because you could do all his techniques from a low self worth place and fail. I think he even said that if you have good inner game, then the outer game falls into place, more then having good outer game, but no inner game. I think Todd said that himself, I just don't know where the clip is at. Of course still useful to know some stuff. 

[Ulax]

Just now, Olaf said:

@Ulax I also think Todd V has just strong self worth, because you could do all his techniques from a low self worth place and fail. I think he even said that if you have good inner game, then the outer game falls into place, more then having good outer game, but no inner game. I think Todd said that himself, I just don't know where the clip is at. Of course still useful to know some stuff. 

Maybe in the past.

Nowadays he is very much of the idea that confidence comes from competence.

[Olaf]

@Ulax anyways do both, for example what has helped me latley is learning about hooking more, that is very technique based, about talking in an interesting way until the girl/girls are hooked and show IOI's, like hand through hair, laugh, asking a question etc. And then on the same time inner work, I think then you will figure out what works best for you. For me inner work has been bigger, cause I am just less rationally/analytical based, but my wing is very intellectually based so he does very well with all these techniques, because he genuinely finds that fun aswell, I find it fun to just be suprised what is coming out of my mouth and be more free flow, that is probably why I am more drawn to Julien/Owens game then Todd v or Mystery.

[Ulax]

2 hours ago, Olaf said:

@Ulax anyways do both, for example what has helped me latley is learning about hooking more, that is very technique based, about talking in an interesting way until the girl/girls are hooked and show IOI's, like hand through hair, laugh, asking a question etc. And then on the same time inner work, I think then you will figure out what works best for you. For me inner work has been bigger, cause I am just less rationally/analytical based, but my wing is very intellectually based so he does very well with all these techniques, because he genuinely finds that fun aswell, I find it fun to just be suprised what is coming out of my mouth and be more free flow, that is probably why I am more drawn to Julien/Owens game then Todd v or Mystery.

Interesting

[Emerald]

3 hours ago, CARDOZZO said:

Great topic.

Social media content regarding dating and female/male dynamics are full of tips to be "high value".

It causes you to be stifled, insecure and fake because you want to "be high value" 100% of the time while connecting with woman.

Just be open, vulnerable, feel comfortable on your skin, have boundaries and develop a sense of humor.

Neediness is a huge factor for working on your inner game.

 

100%

The reality is that the majority of the value a woman sees in a man comes from who he fundamentally is as a person... which is who he is as an ordinary person.

[aurum]

11 hours ago, jacknine119 said:

Part of me believes that as long as I don’t approach them, as long as I don’t actually interact with them, I can preserve the image I’ve created. I can remain the cool, mysterious guy in their eyes without risking anything.

But at the same time, I’m afraid that if I actually talk to them, I’ll ruin everything. My social skills with women are pretty bad, and I feel like once I start interacting with them, they’ll realize that I’m not the person they imagined me to be.

But how else will you improve your social skills without talking to them?

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Do you think you might seek the approval of the women you are attracted to?