Don't Use Pick-Up as a Substitute for Building a Social Circle

[Emerald]

The titles says it all.

If you tend to use pick-up as a means of getting your sexual needs met whilst avoiding building actual friendships and acquaintance-ships with your peers... that's going to cause you problems.

If you do decide to do pick-up (or even dating apps), it should be a supplement to your social circle... not a replacement. 

[Yimpa]

💯

[LordFall]

I couldn't agree more. 

[Raze]

The only issue is if you lack social skills you can blow up the social circle by being a cringelord.

[something_else]

Could not agree more.

The thought I always had during my loner pickup phase was: “Does my future girlfriend really want to date a guy who has no friends and spends his Saturday going to the park to talk to girls?”

Probably not. She wants a guy with a vibrant social life who has better things to do.

Pickup got me some results, but it also made me feel lonelier, more worthless and, at times, like a creep.

——

My only contention is that building a social circle specifically to get laid I.e. “social circle game”, misses the point too.

The real upgrade is having deep friendships, people you genuinely love spending time with, and a life you actually enjoy. That removes a huge amount of neediness because your need for connection and appreciation isn’t resting entirely on women.

It’s also just very attractive. Almost every time I go out partying or clubbing with my close friends I end up hooking up with someone because our group has such great vibes and we all love each other.

Overall, the two biggest things that improved my dating life were deep friendships and travel. Pickup helped with social anxiety, which was valuable, but it was not a long term solution. Very much a phase to go through and discard.

[Valach]

25 minutes ago, something_else said:

The thought I always had during my loner pickup phase was: “Does my future girlfriend really want to date a guy who has no friends and spends his Saturday going to the park to talk to girls?”

Whilst I understand the sentiment, this is a very dangerous sentence to ask yourself. Why do you even care what your future partner wants you to be? You should be really only concerned with what kind of life do you want to life for yourself (which of course is very hard if you are attached to getting validation of woman - I am still there too).

Edited 5 hours ago by Valach

[something_else]

10 minutes ago, Valach said:

Whilst I understand the sentiment, this is a very dangerous sentence to ask yourself. Why do you even care what your future partner wants you to be? You should be really only concerned with what kind of life do you want to life for yourself (which of course is very hard if you are attached to getting validation of woman - I am still there too).

But it’s also true. Most people, not just girls, would not respond favourably to hearing that a dude goes out to the park specifically to target and hit on women. If a few people respond negatively that’s a them problem, if it’s the vast majority of people that’s a you problem.

Yes, there are situations where it’s the right thing to stand your ground even if everybody in the world thinks you’re wrong. I don’t think this is one of those situations personally. Specifically going out to target lone women in the park to try and get laid is, IMO, not very healthy in most cases and I struggle to think of ways to defend or justify that behaviour. “It works and some women like it” is not convincing to me. In most cases you’re just being a public nuisance.

This was pretty much my thought process at the time and I decided that it didn’t align with my values. I pursued travel, parties and making friends instead as a means of dating / socialising and was much happier as a result.

I don’t agree with the “don’t give a fuck what anybody thinks about you” mindset, you should be aware of how your actions are perceived by others. It’s healthy in small amounts, and it serves as a check for your behaviour. 

 

[Valach]

11 minutes ago, something_else said:

But it’s also true. Most people, not just girls, would not respond favourably to hearing that a dude goes out to the park specifically to target and hit on women. If a few people respond negatively that’s a them problem, if it’s the vast majority of people that’s a you problem.

Yes, there are situations where it’s the right thing to stand your ground even if everybody in the world thinks you’re wrong. I don’t think this is one of those situations personally. Specifically going out to target lone women in the park to try and get laid is, IMO, not very healthy in most cases and I struggle to think of ways to defend or justify that behaviour. “It works and some women like it” is not convincing to me. In most cases you’re just being a public nuisance.

This was pretty much my thought process at the time and I decided that it didn’t align with my values. I pursued travel, parties and making friends instead as a means of dating / socialising and was much happier as a result.

I don’t agree with the “don’t give a fuck what anybody thinks about you” mindset, you should be aware of how your actions are perceived by others. It’s healthy in small amounts, and it serves as a check for your behaviour. 

 

I am not saying it is healthy. I am simply saying that you should not be structuring your life around what you think other gender views as high value or cool or desirable. That is still you seeking validation.

What is "healthy" also depends on the paradigm you operate from. When I was doing this couple of years ago I had a fairly rich social life (it was always very easy for me to make friends for some reason) so in a way I was "pausing" my social life to do pickup, it was not my only choice so to say. And woman had no issue with it for the most part.

That being said, yes, today I would not consider it healthy. But to be honest I would not consider going out to clubs and doing hookups or using dating apps for that healthy either.  Personally I would stay away from anyone who drinks alcohol (of course not gonna judge glass of wine with a dinner). So again, depends on your paradigm.

Edited 4 hours ago by Valach

[Majed]

@Emerald That's a joke. Pick up in of itself is a massive investment in time and energy. If you add maintaining a social circle, that would be a disaster in terms of your ability to handle all of that in terms of time and energy. 

[LordFall]

1 hour ago, Majed said:

@Emerald That's a joke. Pick up in of itself is a massive investment in time and energy. If you add maintaining a social circle, that would be a disaster in terms of your ability to handle all of that in terms of time and energy. 

This is simply a scarcity mindset and a limiting belief my friend. What else can be more valuable in life than spending your time and energy building a power social circle of aligned individuals that can support you in reaching your goals?

I've already suggested to you that you should build a music community where you are and that will support both your rap career and also eventually give you massive amounts of dating opportunities.

Social circle game is very powerful because it fulfills both the male and female dating agendas at once. 

[Majed]

@LordFall

49 minutes ago, LordFall said:

This is simply a scarcity mindset and a limiting belief my friend. What else can be more valuable in life than spending your time and energy building a power social circle of aligned individuals that can support you in reaching your goals?

Dude if you haven't done pick up seriously like i did, you don't understand how exhausting it is. To add maintaining a social circle on top of that, is a losing strategy in terms of time and energy. 

Plus it is difficult to get laid from social circle, like you can have a group of friends, let's say 10 or 15, how many attractive women are there going to be, not much. For social circle to work you have to have an enormous social circle, which you cannot create without massive time, energy and money. 

Edited 2 hours ago by Majed

[pablo_aka_god]

2 hours ago, Majed said:

@Emerald That's a joke. Pick up in of itself is a massive investment in time and energy. If you add maintaining a social circle, that would be a disaster in terms of your ability to handle all of that in terms of time and energy. 

This is true.

I've had times where I would focus on pickup at the expense of spending time w friends and family and at other times I focus more friendships and family but don't get laid.

ideally I want both, but if that doesn't work at the time the second best option is to switch priorities every few months.

 

[pablo_aka_god]

Also I 100% with OP. and I believe in the scale of priorities real friendships and family >>>>> getting sex with random stangers.

I could live a decent life with lots of friends and no sex, but having some sex and no friends, that doesn't sound fun

[LordFall]

19 minutes ago, Majed said:

@LordFall

Dude if you haven't done pick up seriously like i did, you don't understand how exhausting it is. To add maintaining a social circle on top of that, is a losing strategy in terms of time and energy. 

Plus it is difficult to get laid from social circle, like you can have a group of friends, let's say 10 or 15, how many attractive women are there going to be, not much. For social circle to work you have to have an enormous social circle, which you cannot create without massive time, energy and money. 

Yes utilizing an unoptimized dating strategy is exhausting, I'll give you that. Especially as you don't get results for your efforts and you start to doubt both yourself and the method.

I called it a limiting belief because you formed a conclusion without asking questions. 

A social circle is not merely a friend group, it's a group of acquaintances and collaborators who you mutually help reach goals.

I ran a music event across the country on Thursday evening and it took me about 1 hour to organize from my laptop and 4 phone calls. Where is the exhaustion? Girls that I haven't seen in months that are still in Calgary attended under my brand. Girls that I'm courting here in Montreal saw the footage and now my status is increased. 

Of course trying to cut down a tree with a butter knife is exhausting, that's why I've been warning people here against a cold approach based dating strategy for months now lol 

Edited 1 hour ago by LordFall

[Majed]

@LordFall Last time when i performed at an open mic. At the end an attractive girl looked at me, smiled and was attracted. Another approached me, telling me that my lyrics were good. The first girl, i didn't approach though, because i wasn't looking for dating opportunities i was more looking to do my rap. And the second girl wasn't that attractive. But i can see that if i continue doing open mics, i could potentially get girls by socializing there and approaching women who are attracted to me after finishing my performance. However the thing with open mics is that they require a lot of preparations to do and are kind of an indirect way to get laid. 

[AION]

It is wrong to see social circle and game as seperate. Social circle is game hence social circle game. To maintain high quality friends require game too.

[Majed]

@AION The thing with social circles is that they require constant lying and inauthenticity. You always have to be fake, to not chock or disagree with anybody. That's how you stay cool. The thing is it is unfulfilling, so why do it at all ? 

Last year, in my institute where i was learning, they asked me what was my religion, i said i'm not religious, and everyone ostracized me for it for the whole year lmao, i didn't form one solid friendship from that year.

[LordFall]

11 minutes ago, Majed said:

@LordFall Last time when i performed at an open mic. At the end an attractive girl looked at me, smiled and was attracted. Another approached me, telling me that my lyrics were good. The first girl, i didn't approach though, because i wasn't looking for dating opportunities i was more looking to do my rap. And the second girl wasn't that attractive. But i can see that if i continue doing open mics, i could potentially get girls by socializing there and approaching women who are attracted to me after finishing my performance. However the thing with open mics is that they require a lot of preparations to do and are kind of an indirect way to get laid. 

Of course, you've just started to dip your toes into the basically infinite pool of status based game. I'm excited for you. 

Do you think Hugh Hefner built his empire in 3 days? Yet it fuelled his dating life until his 80s. 

Cold approach as the basis of a dating strategy is like walking across your city approaching random people for jobs instead of attending networking events, or posting on job hunts sites(online dating) or building your own business over time(building an intentional social circle with a media component so it scales endlessly.)

If you attend one open mic monthly and after like 3-4 months host your own and then reach out to videographers in your area to shoot music videos AND still cold approach in the meanwhile, I guarantee that in September 2027 your dating life will be solved. I'll bet you $100. 

The power of combining cold approach and social circle is you've become a whole community now. Don't get me wrong I still got laid when I wasn't hosting events and just invited bored chicks to drink by the lake but now I invite them to photoshoots or music events or food events and even if they don't want to date/sleep with me we can still become friends and add value to each others lives.

Plenty of chicks with fiances and husbands came on my podcast and still increased my status and I gave them a platform to express themselves and share what they were working on. 

That's the power of the win-win and building power and impact as a man so that you can help others achieve their goals while still building the dating and sex life of your dreams. 

Edited 1 hour ago by LordFall

[LordFall]

11 minutes ago, Majed said:

@AION The thing with social circles is that they require constant lying and inauthenticity. You always have to be fake, to not chock or disagree with anybody. That's how you stay cool. The thing is it is unfulfilling, so why do it at all ? 

Last year, in my institute where i was learning, they asked me what was my religion, i said i'm not religious, and everyone ostracized me for it for the whole year lmao, i didn't form one solid friendship from that year.

That's the difference between building your social circle and joining anothers. A leader dictates the social boundaries of his community. Also notice where the value component comes into play here. People gather around religion because it's the lowest common denominator. Building a music based community is a superior construct because it doesn't require uniformity to hold. It's based on mutual interest and aligned incentives. 

I don't lie in anyway to maintain my social circles. I talk basically exactly the same as I do here. I talk about wanting multiple wives, my thoughts on cryptocurrency and my favorite anime at my events. Of course in a calibrated way but it's a completely different ball game. 

I basically have a gambit around polyamory in regular conversation now lol. If a girl is like that's weird or idk why you want multiple wives I say "We can all agree that women are great. Of course I'd want multiple girlfriends. The question is why don't you? I think you should get a girlfriend too. Isn't Ally here great? Let me introduce you."

It turns into playful banter with an undertone of sexual tension. I haven't yet managed to turn one of these conversations into a threesome but getting pretty close lol, the girls usually love it and giggle. 

@AION Totally agree. 

Edited 1 hour ago by LordFall

[Majed]

@LordFall Do you have any book recommendations on how to fuel your dating life with status based game ?