Retroactive jealousy

[Ben_P]

Im asking for advice or perspective on feeling jealousy over my girlfriends previous sexual history, we’ve been going out a few months and we’re madly in love with each other. 
 

she started off by telling me she’d had 1 previous boyfriend and her sexual experiences with me really changed her, she went from a good girl in to a naughty girl in the bedroom and has opened up sexually since being with me. I believed she only had 1 sexual partner but later she told me I’m her 5th. While she was single she had sex with a guy in a car, another down an alleyway and it sounds like she had a fuck buddy. she didn’t want to tell me at first as she was worried it might have scared me away.

 

we are completely mad about each other and I know her feelings are legitimate but I can’t get this out of my head. Past insecurity’s emerged and I stared drowning in thoughts of competition and not being good enough. She tells me I’m the best sex she’s ever had and she chose me but I still struggle with the thought other men have been with her. 
 

now every time we have sex I just think, am I living up to what she’s had before, am I manly enough, is my dick big enough, does it feel good enough for her. I know these thoughts are toxic and aren’t that important for good sex but they plague me. 
 

Shes a beautiful girl and I often think. Why me? She could have any guy she wants but she chose me? I know I’m good in the bedroom, I’ve learned a lot about sex and what makes a woman feel good and connected but those unhealthy thoughts continue to plague me. 

Every day. 

[Valach]

This is not about how good you are at sex or how much your girl loves you. This is a deep insecurity and sense of unworthiness that will take a long time to resolve. But it is worth focusing on that.

[something_else]

What is your body count, out of curiosity?

I wouldn't give it much thought tbh. 5 people isn't that many people. If you are genuinely good in bed, which it sounds like you are, and you guys get on well together this isn't something that needs a lot of thought.

[Ben_P]

Im trying to work on these insecurities but im not really sure how.
 

I’ve been with 3 previously and she’s not bothered by it. I think it was the fact that she said she’d only had her previous bf and I rocked her world really shattered my ego when I found out there were another 3 

[Valach]

This is related to intrinsic self worth. If you do not have it, you try to suck it out of external, eg. woman you date - which then in turns create this feeling of insecurity - because your felt safety depends on it, thus your survival, which makes you anxious.

Going about gaining more experience or getting better at sex will not solve this, just deepen your dependency. You need to untie this link and do innerwork/inner child healing/whatever.

[Puer Aeternus]

2 hours ago, Ben_P said:

Im trying to work on these insecurities but im not really sure how.

Consider this an invitation. This can open a massive door for you, if this is unresolved and lingering then you probably have some other pretty major stuff laying around waiting to be integrated too.

Start reading, start watching. Have you ever done anything therapeutic/trauma healing before in the past? Or is that toolbox of ways to work through things pretty empty? 

2 hours ago, Ben_P said:

I think it was the fact that she said she’d only had her previous bf and I rocked her world really shattered my ego when I found out there were another 3 

I think this is another thing worth considering too! She did lie to you, and I get where she is coming from.. it can feel like a shameful thing in this culture. I would try to forgive it. But it doesn't excuse that the sudden switch up was seemingly jarring and I think this is another thing that needs to be addressed and worked through too. 

[Miguel1]

Such a good start for a relationship having to lie like that

[Valach]

13 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

Such a good start for a relationship having to lie like that

Cut them some slack brother, they are clearly quite young.

[Ben_P]

44 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

Such a good start for a relationship having to lie 

 

Such an immature comment to make, expected better from a moderator. 
she knows it was wrong to lie and we’ve talked through it. I can understand why she lied and now she’s apologised for it. Aside from this issue it’s been the best possible start for both of us 

 

…and no we’re not young we’re just learning 

Edited 4 hours ago by Ben_P

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RalpCJo7suQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iat0URhKUOw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFH-jl7UW9g

Edited 4 hours ago by Raze

[Miguel1]

2 hours ago, Ben_P said:

 

Such an immature comment to make, expected better from a moderator. 
she knows it was wrong to lie and we’ve talked through it. I can understand why she lied and now she’s apologised for it. Aside from this issue it’s been the best possible start for both of us 

 

…and no we’re not young we’re just learning 

Clearly it’s been the best possible start for both of you. See where you are right now.

There was nothing immature in what I said. The way you are dealing with all this is immature.