Monogamous vs Polyamory

[Yimpa]

if I know that i’m you, is the love with two or woo?

[eos_nyxia]

Thoughts in no particular order:

1. I think that if you are using polyamory to justify an avoidant attachment style, you need to be honest with yourself and work on that. Save yourself and everyone else the grief. (I very much so direct this philosophy toward myself first before anyone else.  I wouldn't have described this as spiritual bypassing, just ordinary old emotional bypassing.)
2. I used to consider myself to be polyamorous by orientation, but monogamous by choice. In the same way that I think of myself as pansexual by orientation, but I'm in a heterosexual marriage. Now I think of myself as a bit more fluid and omnivorous sexually, but I still separate orientation/ base inclinations from chosen expression. And as I get older, the more I think just because you CAN doesn't mean that you should. I chose not to for various reasons. So I'll admit that my perspective comes from repeated attempts at sharp observation from the outside, but not experience. Take it for what it is worth, but I at least know myself pretty damn well.  
3. My energy and especially my time is very limited, and ultimately I want to make the most of this life. Perhaps this is a false, overly simplistic dichotomy, but most often it is important to pick single focus for your life, or to have a specific vision of it. Realistically, my life has never centered around multiple people. I would have to shift my whole personality at this point, and I don't suspect it is worth it. I like to work on myself, I need a certain amount of alone time, and I have certain goals which take up a huge amount of energy and time. Freely flowing sexual energy can give you more energy to express and create in other ways (as opposed to be dammed up), but then that energy needs to keep going back into the relationships if you actually care about anyone that you are with. It's important to ask yourself: how am I realistically going to keep multiple people satisfied in an intimate way sustainably?
4. There is far too much centering around sex alone and not enough focus on emotional and psychological sustainability, especially with people who like the idea of polyamory but have little or no real experience. In general, I've never liked people conflating polyamory with the desire to fuck many people, or having the emotional aspect as some kind of flavour enhancer on the side. Just call it what it is...
5. My honest feeling is that men (I guess cishet men especially) almost never have what it takes to emotionally and sexually to satisfy multiple women in reality with any consistency. Assuming that they actually even satisfy one. That they are deluding themselves about this because they like the thought of keeping multiple women on the hook indefinitely.  If you are centered on the fantasy first and foremost (which I do get on a personal level), almost definitely you don't have what it takes to deal with the reality of it and not make a mess of things. 
6. I think the idea of a "soft harem" is stupid (I believe this term came from PUA/ manosphere spaces originally). It's not a harem if the women you're seeing are also seeing other men or are free to do so, and I'd also argue that it's not a harem if the women you are seeing aren't aware that there are other women. Obviously the latter is not ethical, and the phrase reeks of wanting to cosplay as a medieval king with your multiple mistresses or an ottoman sultan but somehow this is supposed to make sense in a modern capitalistic society? (Personally I don't get why would you want to feel like the latter when your goal is to feel like women actually WANT you, rather than being sold by their families and basically being enslaved and isolated from the outside world. But I get it, it is a fantasy and I am crapping on it haha.) 
7. As a woman who is flexible when it comes to gender attraction, I would be super cautious around cishet men who are overly interested in bringing in another woman, even in a purely voyeuristic sort of way. I'm 37 and this is probably a byproduct of having grown up in the 00s and 10s where lesbianism and bisexuality in women was often treated like something you do for men, like something not serious and real, and also a performance that you put on for men. I've never been much interested in MFF+ though. On a purely selfish level, I do not personally get the appeal.
8. I've heard this perspective expressed in the past which I still think about sometimes: that men who are naturally the best fit for the one man + two or more women as are actually very feminine in nature. When I think about it, makes sense that you have to be fundamentally interested in women, "women things", and women's emotions. If you are not and your primary interest is being masculine and not overly identifying with femininity, then it's probably going to drive you insane in reality lol. Because you're going to be around them a lot. One way or another, there is going to be "exponential drama" which is just what happens when you involve more people, "developed" or not. Likewise, if you are a polyandrous woman in a one woman + 2 or men situation, it makes sense that you must fundamentally be interested in masculine perspectives (or even just "male" since they don't have to be masculine men either), interests, and sexual and emotional expression. (Or alternatively, have asexual or partners with limited interest in sexual expression.) Otherwise, you're around men a lot, and why do you want more men if you don't fundamentally appreciate or are really attracted toward them?
9. To add to the previous point, if you are an polyandrous woman, I think it is ethical to live in service to the men in your life you are intimate with/ the masculine. Or if you are polygynous man, you ought to live in service to the women/the feminine in your life. Perhaps this ought to be your primary focus. This means that it is not fundamentally about getting off and getting yours first and foremost, though you do need the authentic desire.

Edited 3 hours ago by eos_nyxia

[Joseph Maynor]

On 8/7/2026 at 0:27 AM, LordFall said:

That's such a confusing sentence to me. If you like having sex with women why would you not want to do it with multiple at once? And multiple at the same time? I can understand not wanting to juggle the complexity of dating multiple of them but sex is pretty straight forward. Are you low libido? 

It depends on what relationship means to you practically as well as theoretically.