Relationship Based on Truth, Honesty & Vulnerability

[Jirh]

3 hours ago, Miguel1 said:

The dating space lacks integrity, honesty and vulnerability so badly that I am considering going back to my peak PUA phase and just spinning 10 girls for my own needs, treating them all as such: good for little bit of fun and intimacy but that’s it.

You don't have to drop your integrity just because you view the dating space as a lawless jungle.

It's not very mature, or is it now? 🤥

Edited 8 hours ago by Jirh

[Rishabh R]

@Miguel1 Even though you're a moderator here and I am not one to tell you what you should do. However , I suggest you to walk the path of vulnerability since it leads to fulfillment no matter how less you laid or date but if you express yourself honestly enough without looking to gain something for it . 2 things happen - some girls love you while some girls hurt you . I have observed it in my life.Choose quality over quantity or don't take it seriously 😂.

But I have seen many examples - A guy is desperate to find a girlfriend,he finds her ,he breaks up with her and then the cycle continues returning to where he started . 

[Valach]

46 minutes ago, Jirh said:

You don't have to drop your integrity just because you view the dating space as a lawless jungle.

It's not very mature, or is it now? 🤥

What a ragebait

[LordFall]

6 hours ago, Miguel1 said:

The issue is I care about wasting time with the wrong person. Whenever I am in a relationship, I care deeply about the person, and so naturally I invest a ton of time and energy into it.

If the person then ends up cheating or breaking up for some silly reason, because they ”fell out of fantasy / love”, it is a huge waste.

I have become very strongly allergic to wasting my time in relationships, as I’ve done it so many times. I’ve learned many lessons don’t get me wrong (and very appreciative) but this is definitely one of the big ones.

Besides, if you want babies, you do have a time limit. Even for men — and the worst part is that you cannot really afford to have kids with the wrong person, as it will ruin your and the baby’s life.

 

4 hours ago, Miguel1 said:

@Lyubov Of course all of those are done. That’s a given.

What it leads to is this thread. We are talking in circles.

I mean feel free to be more precise and elaborate on why previous relationships you've had didn't work out and we can diagnose it. To me it helps to be very logical and not emotional when it comes to analysis otherwise you get bogged down in stuff that's not objective.

What does falling out of fantasy/love mean? What was the fantasy? That you could make it work no matter what? Why do people fall out of love? Usually its because people grow apart in quite predictable ways like one wants to grind on their career and never retire ala Warren Buffet and one wants to chill out relax and go to the beach and read books. You can identify such patterns with MBTI and overall desired life purpose and desired lifestyle.

My relationships that didn't work I couldn't offer the women the stability and life that they wanted plain and simple. We could chill, fuck and do random dates for a while until it eventually came to a head and we went our own ways. The longest relationship I had for 1 year my dad left the province and left me with the house so I could host parties and fuck girls and I ended up dating this girl that was the ex of my weed dealer and we bonded really deeply and had deep talks into the night and she was one of the smartest girls and coolest I've met to this day.

Doesn't change fundamental transactional dynamics lol I got a cute girlfriend to fuck when I didn't have much abundance at the time so I ignored her toxic traits for far longer then I should have and she got a free place to crash as her home life wasn't great and she was escaping her problems with drugs and a dude that would validate her and give her emotional support. 

We fell out of the fantasy. It was awesome love while it lasted though. We used to write each other back and forth long journals of our love and our desire to be with each other and she would draw me these cute images.  I didn't delete any of it though I keep it in an archive and look at it once in a while remising about my one deep love I've had in this life so far. That girl helped me through the most traumatic event of my entire life and stuck with me through it. Without her as a grounding force I might not be here that was some bad shit. 

I'm over it now but bro let me tell you I was fucking WRECKED when that relationship ended.

Lasted from mid 2018 to may 2019 when we broke up and then we had a back and forth still hooking up and hanging out at times until I physically had to move cuz I couldn't resist her and thats how I ended up in Toronto in early 2020. Fuck I blocked her everywhere but left some niche obscure ways to contact me like whatsapp that I never use and she would hit me up after a few weeks and we'd hang out for a few days and then block each other again. Good times, bad times. Don't miss it but it was great at times. What I've experienced since then has been pretty awesome and I hope to keep building upon it and achieve a dating life that's beyond my wildest dreams as I've shared in other posts. 

We had a goal of starting a couples channel, got 1 video in but hey. That's why content is important. Priceless memories.

 

Edited 4 hours ago by LordFall

[Lyubov]

9 hours ago, Miguel1 said:

The issue is I care about wasting time with the wrong person. Whenever I am in a relationship, I care deeply about the person, and so naturally I invest a ton of time and energy into it.

If the person then ends up cheating or breaking up for some silly reason, because they ”fell out of fantasy / love”, it is a huge waste.

I have become very strongly allergic to wasting my time in relationships, as I’ve done it so many times. I’ve learned many lessons don’t get me wrong (and very appreciative) but this is definitely one of the big ones.

Besides, if you want babies, you do have a time limit. Even for men — and the worst part is that you cannot really afford to have kids with the wrong person, as it will ruin your and the baby’s life.

We do not get any guarantees in life. I don’t get them nor anyone else here. Many couples married and aren’t guaranteed kids either because they can’t conceive. The nature of relationships is they can be steady at times and sometimes also filled with complete twists and turns and surprises, people change, things don’t always go how we like no matter how much we try to grasp and control them. It is an active process. You mention a relationship based on honesty and that is really the only one certainty you can get and it’s from you choosing honesty with how you choose to communicate and be responsible. You can show up and communicate your thoughts and beliefs and feelings honestly without judgement and that is the only certainty you can really get if you’re responsible to do so and it’s the one thing you realize is all you ever need to navigate relationships because in doing so you strengthen your integrity and connection with yourself. Everything else comes after that in a relationship and is more or less out of our control. Since we are unable to control people. There are the happiest most picture perfect marriages you have observed which have ended in divorce before. I would also reframe the concept of wasting time. We are always exactly where we are supposed to be and anything that unfolds just is and couldn’t have been any other way after the fact. It is not some grand mistake just life. We live in the unknown and we don’t know with complete certainty how things will ultimately go with the people we love. It’s useful and empowering to see it this way because it means there’s always a lesson there we are meant to learn and we are also responsible no matter what for being honest and living according with that. 

Edited 1 hour ago by Lyubov

[Miguel1]

Of course there is no guarantees in life but if you marry a psychopath, then you are just dumb.

Likewise, if you marry a lier, an unconscious immature person, someone who hasn’t faced themselves and cannot be vulnerable, then you cannot expect too much.

Edited 1 hour ago by Miguel1

[Lyubov]

9 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

Of course there is no guarantees in life but if you marry a psychopath, then you are just dumb.

Likewise, if you marry a lier, an unconscious immature person, someone who haven’t faced themselves and cannot be vulnerable, then you cannot expect too much.

That would then come back around to being honest with yourself. Because if you know in truth what you know to be true that your girlfriend / partner is a psychopath and it is the wrong choice for your life, but you chose it anyways, you are not living honestly. That is being responsible. Now if you didn’t know that when you chose to be with her that is different, because we can only know what we know and choose accordingly with what we know. So I’m talking to you now and say a couple posts from now you send me some really nasty messages calling me names, I now have new experience to live by and adjust what is honest for me, which would be maybe asking you to not call me names and if you choose to not fulfill my request I can no longer relate to you. This is relating. It applies to your second point which I agree with but I would ask why would you marry a person like that? What does a marriage with a person who lies do for your life? Maybe there is some benefit for you? Be honest with yourself here. Are you choosing such women? Reflect on this. 

Edited 1 hour ago by Lyubov

[Lyubov]

If I was in a relationship with a woman and I knew she was a psychopath I would have to be honest with myself and responsible and make the choice that I believe is right for my life which would be leaving her. I would hope that if I had enough time with her to choose marrying her that I probably already would have sense of the person she is and know fairly well she isn’t a psychopath but even none of this is guaranteed. I’ve heard of some of the most fairytale marriages that seemed so perfect from the outside break down and end in bitter divorce. The only certainty you get is being honest with yourself about what you believe and know to be true and being responsible for it when the moment arrives. That’s all you fundamentally need to do for your half of relating based on truth, honesty and vulnerability (I still don’t like this word vulnerability). 

Edited 1 hour ago by Lyubov

[Miguel1]

@Lyubov Lots of narcissists and people with more serious mental issues, that are good at hiding them and may not even know themselves, unless you know what you are doing.

[Lyubov]

35 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

@Lyubov Lots of narcissists and people with more serious mental issues, that are good at hiding them and may not even know themselves, unless you know what you are doing.

Well, yeah I agree. That’s why we date. We observe our environment deeply to see what the nature of it is and gather experience/info to inform our next choices. We see a tiger and see its nature is to bite us. You seem really concerned about future proofing yourself and avoiding a potentially problematic partner. I would still say there are no guarantees when it comes to that as well. I do think with proper discernment and maturity it makes it possible to make wiser choices though and we can build our foundation for who we choose to be in relationships with on this which circles back to living honestly and responsibly. But still there are no guarantees and there doesn’t have to be, we have ourselves living honestly. 

There are women who unknowingly married serial killers. That really happened on our planet. It’s so easily to retroactively look back and blame them but I’d pause on that and hold such judgement. They may have done everything right by themselves with what they knew before finding out the truth and that’s still what they encountered in life. 

Edited 2 minutes ago by Lyubov