LSD Trip Report - I Awoke to LOVE, School in Being God, Too Much for Me to Handle

[Sincerity]

Hi all,

Yesterday night I was tripping on 330ug LSD and I had some serious damn awakening. It was consciousness so extreme that in the end, after the ~2,5 hours, I felt like it sort of "blew back in my face" and I exited the trip rather abruptly, numb and distracted. But first...

Context: my intention was to come back to Myself with my standard question "What Am I?". I was tripping blindfolded, sitting in a chair comfortably, with whitenoise wind sounds in my earphones. It's been like my ~20-25th trip on LSD with this same dose - more or less, I stopped counting.

So to start: I entered the trip focusing intensely on "What Am I?". And from almost the very beginning my body was continuously clenching the anus and abdomen. I'm pretty certain now for myself that clenching the anus (or I think more precisely: pelvic floor) and abdomen has something to do with state raise. Some fellow users in that thread confirmed my suspicions too (thanks again!).

It didn't take long before I started sensing God. Some of the first insights were that God is Unspecifiable - it's NO-thing, it's like this pure immaterial mystery/essence and it's not defined, "by definition". I also realized that I'm not following God in life because I'm afraid, and I dug into that deeply. And at the same time I was of course realizing that I actually am God, so it was this mindfuck of why I'm not "embracing" what I am, and instead following some phantoms.

At some point I started realizing that I am Love and that, in fact, Love is the reason for anything in existence. I realized that I LOVE EVERYTHING. And THAT'S why it's here. That Love is the TRUTH, because there simply IS LOVE, it's just true. And this Love is, well, everything. It's what happens. IT IS ALL LOVE.

If I met you then, I'd say to you: I LOVE YOU. I knew that I LOVE EVERYONE. That this Love is UNCONDITIONAL. I was crying at that point, of course, also there were glimpses coming up for me of things hard for me to love. Primarily I think it came down to admitting that I love my ex. (Or, maybe, the archetype of a woman in my life. I don't know.) And so I just admitted it, along with the love for all my other close people, especially my sister.

I remember feeling SO MUCH ENERGY (LOVE) and just GASPING at the immensity of LOVE in the energetic landscape. In fact, I realized that Love is the BEDROCK for it all. Seriously, I was in shock of how LOVE triumphs everything in my mind.

It was after that that I think shit went "off the rails". I entered states so high it's hard for me to channel back information - and also, I feel I'm resisting it. I completely understood that I am creating Reality. That I AM GOD and wherever I move, Reality moves. I was in such deep focus that I COMPLETELY forgot that "physical" reality exists - I don't know if I was even breathing. I was just in a void seeing that I'm creating everything, and it was like I was being taught about it. I sensed it was like a school of being God and that I should be getting something. I felt like I have nothing to "fall back on" and it's just me now, being God here. It was frightening. All the time I was trying to come back to my essence and ask: But WHAT AM I? WHAT AM I? WHAT AM I? It was always God.

Being in that hyper intense focus and state, I seriously don't know whether I was breathing and I'm actually wondering if I didn't die then. I understood that I cannot REALLY die and that I ALWAYS PREVAIL. That Love is Immortal. I knew that I LOVE EVERYTHING... But then I was also suddenly faced with the recognition that I have attachment to "this life", that I couldn't let go of the love for my sister and of being this particular thing here. So I couldn't really be EQUANIMOUS LOVE. I tried, but facing that was sort of like hitting a brick wall - I just couldn't. I was coming back to my nature of Love again and again, but at the same time I sensed now that "I" was starting to come back.

Also, at some point being God in that void "in charge" of reality became too much for me to handle and for a brief moment, I took off my blindfold. Then I came back to the void, relieved that actually there still IS reality to fall back on. But after that I think I basically started falling down in consciousness and it felt like suffering. I was trying to grasp to Love and to whatever I am at my essence (because I completely lost my identity) and I was just like a child: I WANT TO LOVE! PLEASE, I WANT TO LOVE! PLEASE!

I guess long story short, in the end, after these intense ~2 hours, I numbly took off my blindfold, earphones and went to bed - of course not sleeping for almost the whole night, in a distracted state.

Here are some additional things that I remember and I feel like are worth mentioning:

• At one point, I actually did feel into the fact that there's ALWAYS Me to fall back on. I would never actually be "in charge" of Reality. There's ALWAYS more of ME that I'm never tapping into. And I guess that's comfort. I felt relieved and loved understanding that.
• I felt cheated and betrayed when falling down in consciousness at the end. I know it's obvious, and it's not my first time, but it always stings.
• When falling down in consciousness, I felt like I was falling down into a MUCH more limited and crystalized understanding of myself. Veils beyond veils beyond veils. Like seriously, I felt like the daily life I'm living is just this COMPLETE dream. I don't know ANYTHING about fucking anything. I'm retarded consciousness. Retard Awakening ™... (Or yeah, a damn rat.)
• ... But yet, I also realized that I am ALWAYS Love. No matter what happens, I am ALWAYS It. It's always "at my disposal". So yeah - even as a retard, I still am Love (put that quote on a fridge). That was comfort too.

Very hard to integrate. I would absolutely do it again but yeah, I feel a bit traumatized... It's hard.

Thanks for reading. Sorry if it was a bit all over the place. I probably just need to roll into a ball and cry.

"What am I?" - pointer I wrote for myself before the trip. Didn't utilize it much since I was blindfolded, but still.

Edited 12 hours ago by Sincerity

[Schizophonia]

LSD is lovely yea 

[WonderSeeker]

330 ug is a lot. No wonder! 

These days 100 is enough to take me to God. Only tripped 20ish times. Every next time I'm more sensitive.

3 hours ago, Sincerity said:

Here are some additional things that I remember and I feel like are worth mentioning:

• At one point, I actually did feel into the fact that there's ALWAYS Me to fall back on. I would never actually be "in charge" of Reality. There's ALWAYS more of ME that I'm never tapping into. And I guess that's comfort. I felt relieved and loved understanding that.
• I felt cheated and betrayed when falling down in consciousness at the end. I know it's obvious, and it's not my first time, but it always stings.
• When falling down in consciousness, I felt like I was falling down into a MUCH more limited and crystalized understanding of myself. Veils beyond veils beyond veils. Like seriously, I felt like the daily life I'm living is just this COMPLETE dream. I don't know ANYTHING about fucking anything. I'm retarded consciousness. Retard Awakening ™... (Or yeah, a damn rat.)
• ... But yet, I also realized that I am ALWAYS Love. No matter what happens, I am ALWAYS It. It's always "at my disposal". So yeah - even as a retard, I still am Love (put that quote on a fridge). That was comfort too.

Very hard to integrate. I would absolutely do it again but yeah, I feel a bit traumatized... It's hard.

Thanks for reading. Sorry if it was a bit all over the place. I probably just need to roll into a ball and cry.

This is where it got interesting for me. Your bullets wreak of trying to get somewhere, not being satisfied with 'ordinary consciousness.' Why?

"Retard awakening" made me laugh tho

What do you mean by you feel traumatized? Maybe you went too far for where you're at? Like trying to jump 20 steps ahead spiritually instead of 1...

Good stuff though. I would just learn to love ordinary conscoiuness too. Destroys the clingy need to be higher (negatively-motivated desire)

Cheers~

Edited 9 hours ago by WonderSeeker

[Sincerity]

10 minutes ago, WonderSeeker said:

This is where it got interesting for me. Your bullets wreak of trying to get somewhere, not being satisfied with 'ordinary consciousness.' Why?

Good stuff though. I would just learn to love ordinary conscoiuness too. Destroys the clingy need to be higher (negative desire)

Hey, thanks for the feedback. I actually do love "ordinary" consciousness. It's really important to me to embrace this life and live to my fullest. Sincerely.

I guess that's just how I felt in that moment, "being so high" and then "falling so low". The process of "falling down" was simply uncomfortable.

I don't feel like I tripped due to a sense of not being satisfied with ordinary consciousness. It's just something I had to do. I wanted to see Infinity. But ultimately, for me, it's ALL for the sake of being masterful in the daily life. I don't live just for the highs. 

10 minutes ago, WonderSeeker said:

What do you mean by you feel traumatized? Maybe you went too far for where you're at? Like trying to jump 20 steps ahead spiritually instead of 1...

I just felt that it was a lot, to the point that it is very hard to process and even get myself to recall. But ultimately I don't regret it. 10/10 would do it again.

I just want to love fully in life, man. Nothing else matters. Even though it was a lot, this trip brought me closer to that, so in the end I probably feel like it was a "success".

Edited 9 hours ago by Sincerity

[WonderSeeker]

9 minutes ago, Sincerity said:

Hey, thanks for the feedback. I actually do love "ordinary" consciousness. It's really important to me to embrace this life and live to my fullest. Sincerely.

I guess that's just how I felt in that moment, "being so high" and then "falling so low". The process of "falling down" was simply uncomfortable.

I don't feel like I tripped due to a sense of not being satisfied with ordinary consciousness. It's just something I had to do. I wanted to see Infinity. But ultimately, for me, it's ALL for the sake of being masterful in the daily life. I don't live just for the highs. 

Yeah, the contrast can do that. Was this your highest dose? For LSD I've never gone higher than ~200ug plugged.

12 minutes ago, Sincerity said:

I just felt that it was a lot, to the point that it is very hard to process and even get myself to recall. But ultimately I don't regret it. 10/10 would do it again.

I just want to love fully in life, man. Nothing else matters. Even though it was a lot, this trip brought me closer to that, so in the end I probably feel like it was a "success".

Love that for you. For us. Thanks for sharing~

[Sincerity]

9 minutes ago, WonderSeeker said:

Yeah, the contrast can do that. Was this your highest dose? For LSD I've never gone higher than ~200ug plugged.

I think it was like 350ug. Always orally. Basically always tripping around 300-350ug for the last 5 years or so. Trips getting deeper and deeper with time.

I'd probably be sensitive to a lesser dose too now. Idk, I didn't check. I'm satisfied with the current range.

11 minutes ago, WonderSeeker said:

Love that for you. For us. Thanks for sharing~

Thank you man. Sending love.  

[Carl-Richard]

You let go yet?

 

Quote

Surrender to all pain. Surrender to all fear. Surrender to Love. Love. Give everything, to Love.

- Martin Ball

 

[Sugarcoat]

No, you´re clenching the pelvic because your body is trying to block the kundalini energy from rising into your head during this more "open" psychedelic state. The reason for it being that if it would happen, all the negative karma would become obvious to you when it rises to conscious awareness and it would be way too overwhelming. So the clenching is protecting you from your own toxic ego residues that youre desperately trying to get rid of using the psychedelics 

The anus clenching tho in particular could be resistance to homosexuality 🏳️‍🌈✷

Dont mark my words tho , I dont know where this response came from, tapping into some form of....expression...  here it seems 

Edited 5 hours ago by Sugarcoat

[Schizophonia]

22 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

kundalini energy

Your new obsession 

[Sugarcoat]

5 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

Your new obsession 

that is tiny fraction of what I think about . Horses is another example 

[Schizophonia]

3 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

that is tiny fraction of what I think about .

That's like the fourth time you've mentioned it in 24 hours.

3 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Horses is another example 

Tastes greats fried on some butter with fries and a salad 

[Leo Gura]

Great work!

Keep tripping, there is much more to awaken to.

But give yourself time to integrate. You will.

Edited 4 hours ago by Leo Gura

[Sincerity]

2 hours ago, Carl-Richard said:

You let go yet?

I’m trying, gringo. I’m trying… real… hard.

Hahaha. Working on it.

@Sugarcoat It’s cool that you’re trying to channel things.  Thanks for the feedback.

[Sincerity]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Great work!

Thanks so much! 🙇‍♂️

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

there is much more to awaken to.

As always  

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

But give yourself time to integrate. You will.

Yup. I will.

[Sugarcoat]

5 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

That's like the fourth time you've mentioned it in 24 hours.

 

recently I have like 1 million thoughts a day, its still a fraction