TRIGGER WARNING, Uncomfortable experience about Dating

[Jannes]

TRIGGER WARNING: If you are mentally/ emotionally unstable and dont want to get deeply Blackpilled by the reality of dating dont read this thread.

..

I think I started a thread like this years ago and then a second time maybe a year later. I felt it triggered a lot of people and most people each time dismissed my acutal problem. The problem is truly that it is almost impossible to talk about because its very uncomfortable to talk about and very very ego heavy. Even now while I suffer from it I also cant help but feel my ego getting involved in this. You know when you truly authentically want to write down a problem and while you are at it you feel your ego shadow lingering over your shoulder like an uninvited visitor smirking over this and there is no thought of pushing him away, he is deeply grounded in this. Survival is truly bigger then me on this one. 

With that said and with improvement of my articulation of the problem I am hoping that its different this time around. 

So I have/ had the problem that because I have adhd and was emotionally very unstable I often looked for other people as ankers to stabilize me. This is a common thing for adhd folks. It unconsciously manifests itself in a way that I put much attention to that person. Generally new people are more stimulating and stabilizing. This often came across as flirting. Because I am also quite good looking I am/ was quite successful at "flirting", even though that wasnt my intention. My ego would like to hear that I am the men being this succesful but there was zero skill involved, it was completly accidental. Already took me a lot of time and suffering to accept that ..

On my unintentional flirting spree I saw so much bullshit though, many girls willing to cheat with me on their boyfriends. Nice, lovely girls which you would never expect it from. At least not me. For many of them I developed feelings as well but just surpressed them because I would never cheat. 

I am in a situation now where I am really searching for feelings and connection. Sex without feelings doesnt really interest me. The problem is that I have developed such a negative picture of most women as people who would heartlessly drop their bf or cheat when a better option comes around. Much trust is just wiped away from direct experience. I dont have any clever sorting mechanism to select girls that dont cheat and I dont think this is possible to the degree that I am satisfied with. But this brings me to the question of how can I reform the picture of women that I have in my head so that I can love them again? I am even considering going back to the girls who would have cheated with me (who dont have a bf right now) because realistically it doesnt get better anyway. And how can I go about the fear that I could get cheated on myself?

Edited 16 hours ago by Jannes

[Oppositionless]

The woman who loved me passionately and I left in fear didn't cheat on her boyfriend to get back together with me when I tried.

[Jannes]

3 minutes ago, Oppositionless said:

The woman who loved me passionately and I left in fear didn't cheat on her boyfriend to get back together with me when I tried.

Its not all bs, but too much 

[aurum]

33 minutes ago, Jannes said:

But this brings me to the question of how can I reform the picture of women that I have in my head so that I can love them again? I am even considering going back to the girls who would have cheated with me (who dont have a bf right now) because realistically it doesnt get better anyway. And how can I go about the fear that I could get cheated on myself?

You're never going to fully reform that image. Your image was naive to begin with.

Of course women will cheat on their boyfriends.

It's true, but you should not let that make you so bitter that you cannot get in a relationship. That's where you are messing up.

You have a couple solutions:

1) Focus on yourself first. The more you grow yourself as a man, the less incentive there will be for her to cheat. 

2) Realize that your experience is limited and skewed. You saw the women who were willing to cheat, but not all the women who weren't

3) Date women who are more mature and stable

4) If none of the above is enough, consider ethical non-monogamy

[Hojo]

You just gotta do it. You have to open yourself up to getting hurt. If you dont you will never learn.

Edited 16 hours ago by Hojo

[Jannes]

9 minutes ago, aurum said:

You're never going to fully reform that image. Your image was naive to begin with.

Of course women will cheat on their boyfriends.

It's true, but you should not let that make you so bitter that you cannot get in a relationship. That's where you are messing up.

You have a couple solutions:

1) Focus on yourself first. The more you grow yourself as a man, the less incentive there will be for her to cheat. 

2) Realize that your experience is limited and skewed. You saw the women who were willing to cheat, but not all the women who weren't

3) Date women who are more mature and stable

4) If none of the above is enough, consider ethical non-monogamy

Thank you. 

One very important milestone for my development is to actually commit to a partner which I never did. Thats the predicament. 

[Hojo]

@Jannes You are protecting something that dosent exist. 

[Jannes]

6 minutes ago, Hojo said:

You just gotta do it. You have to open yourself up to getting hurt. If you dont you will never learn.

You are right. 

4 minutes ago, Hojo said:

@Jannes You are protecting something that dosent exist. 

What do you mean?

[Hojo]

@Jannes ego, a thought form is scared its going to get cheated on. This thought form is protecting something that getting cheated on will reveal that you dont like.

Edited 16 hours ago by Hojo

[Jannes]

Just now, Hojo said:

@Jannes ego, a thought form is scared its going to get cheated on.

When I actually open up all the parts that are hiding inside me and then get cheated on. Would I be though enough to take it? Thats scary. 

[Hojo]

@Jannes No it will break you. But thats what you want. You will have ego death.

The fictional thing thats protecting you will die.

You need to fall in love with someone and have them cheat on you. Its like taking a metaphysical gun to the ego. Then the test of sanity begins.

Edited 16 hours ago by Hojo

[Jannes]

17 minutes ago, Hojo said:

@Jannes No it will break you. But thats what you want. You will have ego death.

The fictional thing thats protecting you will die.

You need to fall in love with someone and have them cheat on you. Its like taking a metaphysical gun to the ego. Then the test of sanity begins.

I am trying to wrap my head around this. 

It does hit a nerve of insight flow from the last time I opened up and got rejected, yes I will loose a perceived sense of control in this which fertalizes the ground for something new to emerge -- MAYBE. 

Or I will just be depressed and dont trust anyone anymore for the rest of my life. 

Are you sure about it?

Edited 15 hours ago by Jannes

[Joshe]

You should not be blindsided by the possibility that women will find someone else they want to sex. It's always a possibility when they aren't getting everything they want from you. 

I was able to use contemplation to uproot this intense fear/pain by imagining my gfs having sex with someone else. Almost like exposure therapy. Eventually, I was able to let go of negativity about it. If a girl is cheating, that means the relationship isn't going good for her, and it's her prerogative to sleep with whoever she wants. 

I think this fear or pain naturally subsides to a degree as you get older. My last gf sent me a letter in the mail to tell me she had met someone new (she was in rehab at the time - and yes, she left me for a junky, lol). I'll never forget reading the letter on the porch swing - sun was shining. I just smiled and felt relief, like a new man with the world as my oyster.

[Hojo]

@Jannes well if you truly fell in love you wouldn't want anyone. All you are trying to do with relationships is find the hidden dimension of reality which is identity.

[meta_male]

There's a difference between accepting uncertainty and seeking psychological damage. You do not need to traumatise yourself to grow. Actual growth does not require being emotionally destroyed, that's spiritual masochism. Emotional overwhelm and trauma is not needed for insight.

Women cheat, men cheat, so how come YOU don't cheat? Can you see from that alone that there are women who don't cheat as well? Plenty of people have a secure attachment style, work towards developing that yourself. You definitely don't need an ego death for this.

Learn to feel deeply without using other people to regulate and stabilize you, go to therapy if that's not otherwise possible, don't drag this step out forever. That alone will put you in a much better position to meet healthier people. You can't think your way out of your current worldview.

[Ramasta9]

First of all ADHD is not a disorder, its a misunderstanding of highly attuned / high energy individuals that cannot focus on things that don't make sense to them or don't interest them. I like how one guy put it: ADHD - Attention Dialed - Higher Dimension. You are just of a higher energy / intelligence.

Millions of children wrongly get put unto harmful medication that messes up their brain chemistry because of this misunderstanding, all because they don't wanna sit down and shut up and follow the teacher in school and learn the mundane shit they teach us that don't spark our interest.

Now with your experience, maybe these girls were sent to you because you were NOT meant to be "that guy" who makes them cheat, but shows them a higher light? Its very admirable and honorable to not cheat with a girl when you know she has someone, especially if it has happened to you.

I was with a lover recently for 3 years or so, and she is one of the most beautiful and loving and caring people I ever met, yet even she ended up cheating because she was vulnerable and not in the right place in her heart and mind and around naughty boys who were all there to score and they played their cards well, said all the right things, saw all the weak spots, and abused her wounded-self, that mostly needed love and support. We were having some arguments lately and things seemed a little more toxic than usual but nothing too crazy. She felt attraction for this guy for a little while before that but this time I wasn't there and we had an argument that week. She really thought this may be the new lover that's aligning for her only to realize he's sleeping around with a new girl every day and all the words he said to her to get into her pants dissolved into the either shortly after which left her really torn and regretful about our union. 

This really damaged our union deeply, and tore me in ways I never felt and expected before, and we tried to make it work but it just never was the same. I at least needed a lot more space and time away from her to heal, besides a few arguments once in a while, we got a long really well. I always had the underlying fear of being cheated on some level though, and I truly felt in my being she would never cheat on me because of being with her almost every day for years, feeling her, knowing her so deeply, it just wasn't in her, at least I never felt or sensed it, but in any single moment, the universe can just slap you so hard you won't ever expect.

Sometime you have to go through what you fear the most or don't expect just to give you that perspective that you can never truly be  100% sure or know, but in the end all you really and truly have is yourself and your love, others are always secondary. They are a bonus, but don't get too attached and make them your world, which happens to most of us unfortunately, cause then they may just do something that then shatters your whole world, and sometimes this happens to remind you hey, you are out of balance, you have given your power away to someone else and expect them to carry it.

The more you fear it, the more you will attract it. Let it be, go with the flow, allow what comes up naturally. Just my 2 cents <3

 

 

 

[Rigel]

Where do you meet people? Night clubs don’t attract the most integrated people. 

[Raze]

https://www.girlschase.com/content/genuine-man-part-5-how-not-hate-women

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hN1E5L-wiJU

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7qi0hKFcgM

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4M2PplZepyI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIsy_HSHkKo

 

 

[something_else]

47 minutes ago, Rigel said:

Where do you meet people? Night clubs don’t attract the most integrated people. 

You'd be surprised