To Leo and all the others: I need your advice for my current situation.

[Av2521]

I try to write it out as anonymous as possible:

I am in contact with this one work colleague of mine (btw. Im male and shes female). She is already married, has little children and has a settled life (good job, house etc.). Everything seems fine. She says she loves him and shes happy and her life couldn’t be better. That’s the back story.

So: We know each other for couple of months now and in this time we had spent quite a lot of time together. We are texting every day, sometimes for hours. Shes replying instantly and we are texting and talking in real life about all kind of topics. We are vibing really good and we are also laughing all the time, online and offline. We are meeting up like 2 to 3 times a week and did all kinds of things together (and are still doing), also many typical date-things, which you would say its 100% things people do, who are dating and also typical couple stuff. When shes not seeing me for lets say 4-5 days or so I feel like she becomes nervous and has to see me. She is even texting me, that she needs to see me. And when we are not texting like for 3 hours, shes reaching out to check, where I am and What I am doing or just text me to keep the conversation rolling. She is telling me, that I am important to her, and that shes happy, that Im there. I also get the feeling, that she becomes jealous and nervous, when Im around other girls and when other girls like me. Online and also offline. She is also afraid that if I date other girls, I wont have time for her and that our friendship could break apart because of that.

She is seeing me as a good friend and at the beginning of all of this, she made clear that she loves her man and her family and would never risk anything of that. But I don’t understand, why is she then constantly contacting me, when she loves her man and is content with her life situation? Why isn’t she doing all this stuff with her man? Why does she want to do stuff with me all the time? When you love your man, go and leave me alone.

 I don’t get it and it confuses me. Maybe shes lying to herself that everything is fine. In the end, I don’t know that for sure.

But I get the feeling that there is more between us than just friendship. We are both like emotionally dependent from each other. It’s really a strange situation for both of us.

I also like her a lot and Im attracted to her. I want more than friendship, but I know given her situation, it wont be possible, so I guess I have to quit it for good. And every time she brings up her husband, it hurts inside.

What is your take on the issue? And sorry, if there is not that much information, I try to keep it anonymous.

Thanks 😊

[Thought Art]

I’d focus on cultivating non-dependent relationships.

It sounds like a mess waiting to happen and something that could be very dangerous and toxic down the road to be honest. Her neediness, her already having a family etc. It’s odd and high risk. 
 

You guys clearly have chemistry. I dont know how for you to navigate this but… you are seeing signs that something is up. 

Edited yesterday at 07:01 PM by Thought Art

[soos_mite_ah]

3 hours ago, Av2521 said:

She is seeing me as a good friend and at the beginning of all of this, she made clear that she loves her man and her family and would never risk anything of that. But I don’t understand, why is she then constantly contacting me, when she loves her man and is content with her life situation? Why isn’t she doing all this stuff with her man? Why does she want to do stuff with me all the time? When you love your man, go and leave me alone.

Sometimes people end up developing feelings and they don't have the best boundaries with themselves due to a lack of self control or any other psychological factors. 

3 hours ago, Av2521 said:

But I get the feeling that there is more between us than just friendship. We are both like emotionally dependent from each other. It’s really a strange situation for both of us.

I also like her a lot and Im attracted to her. I want more than friendship, but I know given her situation, it wont be possible, so I guess I have to quit it for good. And every time she brings up her husband, it hurts inside.

Yeah... don't be that person. Have some boundaries with yourself at the very least and let her know that this isn't a good idea and that you will need to pull back from hanging out and give each other space until both of y'all get over this. I don't recommend getting involved because not only is this person married with kids, but she's also your coworker and that can end pretty badly personally and professionally. I recommend exercising self control and making moral decisions even if it doesn't feel great in the moment. 

[Hojo]

Next time she texts you just dont reply , when you see her next say you were out with a friend. A female friend and dont expand. Then wait. Never go after a married women its not your business. If they come to you then whatever.

You didnt do anything it just happened and you wont have guilt if you dont actually like her after. If you go after you could be responsible for destroying a family. If you dont and it happens thats not you doing it its happening naturally and not your problem. 

If it happens by you pursuing something you know is wrong and you feel responsible for destroying a family for sex then you will feel immense guilt.

If it happens without pursuit, bro im just standing here.

People say that having sex with co workers will ruin the situation is not true. I have had sex with many coworkers and if you just ignore that it happened it goes away back to normal. All you have to do is stay happy and live in the now.

This will put pressure on her fucked up problem not yours. (If its even real and you arent delusional)

Edited yesterday at 07:25 PM by Hojo

[Majed]

@Av2521 The problem is that you two are doing unconscious relationships. Where however the relationship happens it happens. You need to take control over your relationships and start going out deliberately and approach women. Focus on single girls, do not try to seduce a girl that is married or have a boyfriend. Occasionally it can work but it shouldn't be your main strategy, plus there are ethical problems you gotta watch out for with that. 

[aurum]

5 hours ago, Av2521 said:

I also like her a lot and Im attracted to her. I want more than friendship, but I know given her situation, it wont be possible, so I guess I have to quit it for good. And every time she brings up her husband, it hurts inside.

If you want more than friendship, then you need to end it.

Only be friends with women who you choose to be friends with. Do not be friends with women when you are secretly hoping for more, but they've given no indication they are seriously interested in that.

You are in control of the frame you set with women.

[Av2521]

@Thought Art But I dont get, what she wants. She says she loves her man and is happy with him, then why is she constantly coming back to me? Why isnt she so obsessed with him?

It confuses me…

[How to be wise]

@Av2521 Please watch this: 

 

 

[Thought Art]

@Av2521 Confusion is part of the toxicity.