I lost the love of my life and now I’m struggling to connect with anyone

[ROOBIO]

Hey everyone,

I wanted to share something I’ve been struggling with lately. Last year, I felt like I was making really good progress in my journey of connecting with people, improving my social skills, and developing my game. I was sleeping with 1–2 girls a month for several months, going out regularly, meeting new people, and genuinely growing. It felt like I was shedding personal fears and limitations.

I then last year got into a relationship. She was the love of my life. I had never felt a connection like that with anyone before. She was beautiful, we were incredibly close and intimate, and we deeply understood each other. It felt like a real love story, we even travelled across Europe together. But at the start of this year, she began expressing her vision for the future, and unfortunately, it didn’t align with mine. She wanted to have kids in five years, and I don’t want children at all. So we broke up. It was a mutual decision, but we were both heartbroken.

Since then, I’ve started dating again but something’s changed. Even though I’m still going out and getting contact details, I feel really hesitant to take things further. There's this fear of intimacy and connection that keeps coming up. It’s like all the insecurities I worked through last year have resurfaced. I think I’m still carrying a lot of emotional weight from the breakup. When I speak to new girls, I find myself stuck in my head, unable to truly connect. I've had plenty of opportunities, but I just can't be bothered to follow through. I’m struggling to relate to girls on a deep level. I’m not being vulnerable I’m wearing a mask when I game. And honestly, I feel a lot of fear when it comes to taking things further.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? I’d love to hear your thoughts or any advice you might have. Thanks for reading.

Edited June 27 by ROOBIO

[Javfly33]

Don´t be sad for what it wasn't meant to be

[Natasha Tori Maru]

It sounds like you found someone beautiful ❤️ and shared yourself in an authentic way. 

What may have occurred is, you fell so hard you were a bit blinded to incompatibility. I've been there, and it hurts. And in hindsight I wish I would have screened harder for this initially, it would have saved me pain. But what I did have, when I had it, was glorious and I wouldn't trade that memory for the world. It's a difficult question - do you save yourself the pain, or relish in the memory of a life well lived? 

Back to your question.

I cannot be sure, but you sound like you haven't moved through the grief process before jumping back into life. When a relationship dissolves - it is literally as if something died - what you both created together. If you need to take time and process, do so. Sometimes we need to move through grief and not avoid it. The danger becomes, it may not be processed, and come back to kick you in the face later. 

I don't have much advice. The stupid cliche that time heals is pretty much true here. The fear you feel is natural. It is a protection mechanism - your mind and heart don't want to be hurt again, don't want to be vulnerable again.

My top advice; don't run from love, or further experience. Don't think about how you could be hurt again, just trust that if you find love again, you are strong enough to recover if it doesn't last. That you will survive it... because you will 🙏

Every time I fall for someone now, it's 'alright we are doing this again, let's go balls deep, and if it goes belly up I know what I am in for and can bounce back' 

[Emerald]

I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out.

But your feelings of hesitation and fear make sense, since your experience are that connection and love came with loss, grief, and heart ache.

So, it's very likely a "once bitten, twice shy" situation.

In order to move forward and to open up to love again, you will need to face into your grief and open yourself to the potential for the pain of grief in the future.

Grief is the necessary cost you must be willing to pay in order to open your heart to love again. And that's a very difficult thing to do.

So, I recommend spending some more time with your grief about your lost relationship to process the pain. And then, when you feel ready to re-open your heart, you can get back out there.

This is truly the challenge of life.

We start as children with no idea of the potential for pain and loss ahead of us. But we are open to it all and we get so much from it because of our openness.

But as we continue on the path of life, we experience hurt and we build all kinds of blocks and barriers to keep ourselves numb and closed up to the pain of the past. 

And the challenge is getting back into the beginner's mind state that the child naturally has...  with all the wisdom that the pains and sufferings of a well-lived life bestows upon us.

[theleelajoker]

2 hours ago, ROOBIO said:

Hey everyone,

I wanted to share something I’ve been struggling with lately. Last year, I felt like I was making really good progress in my journey of connecting with people, improving my social skills, and developing my game. I was sleeping with 1–2 girls a month for several months, going out regularly, meeting new people, and genuinely growing. It felt like I was shedding personal fears and limitations.

I then last year got into a relationship. She was the love of my life. I had never felt a connection like that with anyone before. She was beautiful, we were incredibly close and intimate, and we deeply understood each other. It felt like a real love story, we even travelled across Europe together. But at the start of this year, she began expressing her vision for the future, and unfortunately, it didn’t align with mine. She wanted to have kids in five years, and I don’t want children at all. So we broke up. It was a mutual decision, but we were both heartbroken.

Since then, I’ve started dating again but something’s changed. Even though I’m still going out and getting contact details, I feel really hesitant to take things further. There's this fear of intimacy and connection that keeps coming up. It’s like all the insecurities I worked through last year have resurfaced. I think I’m still carrying a lot of emotional weight from the breakup. When I speak to new girls, I find myself stuck in my head, unable to truly connect. I've had plenty of opportunities, but I just can't be bothered to follow through. I’m struggling to relate to girls on a deep level. I’m not being vulnerable I’m wearing a mask when I game. And honestly, I feel a lot of fear when it comes to taking things further.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? I’d love to hear your thoughts or any advice you might have. Thanks for reading.

Yes, gone through similar process...more then once.  3 Things I want to emphasize 

First thing I want to say: simply sucks. Sucks a lot and it hurts.

Second : it will pass. At least, I did every Time for me. Sometimes faster, some times slower 

Third: Very good chance that next relationship will be even better:)

What helped me after last breakup was to meet other women (good talk, cuddling and sex helps to process the break-up) and while doing so being as honest as possible with then. Other people might tell you that it's unsexy or unattractive but at certain points I told the girls more or less direct that I recently had a breakup or that I am not over my ex. They appreciated the honesty and we still had good times as I focused on the beauty (not talking about looks) of the women right in front of me. Honest interest to get to know them. 

Other then that: take time, allows your feelings, don't rush. 

 

Edited June 27 by theleelajoker

[Loving Radiance]

In addition what others already wrote, I'd say that conscious de-coupling is important. Sharing internal stories & emotions, deep listening, holding each other,... A friend can help in that grieving process. A friend who just listens, emphasizes with you and holds space for you. Women are doing this naturally with their friends and it's vital for men too to express what wants to come out.

For the mind, the 7 stages of grief can serve as a helpful roadmap.

Edited June 28 by Loving Radiance

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5qdBMIaS_c

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YxSeilcdmKw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-O-f3lfU6c

 

Edited June 28 by Raze

[ROOBIO]

Thank you so much for the thoughtful replies, this has really helped me. I need to spend time processing the relationship and her so I can let her go and move on.

I haven’t fully processed the grief. I jumped back into dating thinking I could just “get on with it,” but I realize now there’s deeper stuff I’ve been avoiding. The fear of being vulnerable again, of opening up, is real. And it’s showing up in my conversations and behavior.

@Natasha Tori Maru what you said about not running from love and trusting you’ll survive it hit hard. That’s the courage I want to rebuild.

@Emerald Yep so true, I love you idea about returning the the beginners mind with the wisdom of life's pain. I need to all myself to open, to be vulnerable to the pain, to accept what is, and use previous experiences to better understand and process what life has to offer.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to write. You’ve helped me see that what I’m going through is not only valid , it’s also a chance to grow stronger.

[theleelajoker]

16 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

In addition what others already wrote, I'd say that conscious de-coupling is important. Sharing internal stories & emotions, deep listening, holding each other,... A friend can help in that grieving process. A friend who just listens, emphasizes with you and holds space for you. Women are doing this naturally with their friends and it's vital for men too to express what wants to come out.

For the mind, the 7 stages of grief can serve as a helpful roadmap.

Griev - yes. Sharing - yes. Friends can help - yes. 

But IMO, be very careful with the 7 stage model. It's a programm you upload in your mind and IT'S NOT REALITY. It's a mental model. It's a cultural conditioning. It might create a mental path that you feel like you should follow while dangerously distancing you from the present moment and present feeling.

In my experience, it's best to make yourself free of all concepts. 

 

[Loving Radiance]

@theleelajoker I agree. I should have clarified that I meant the 7 stages as a way to orientate oneself with the mind when one feels lost in the grieving process.

[theleelajoker]

@Loving RadianceHmm...not sure I understand what you mean.

How do you describe getting lost in the grieving process? 

For me, being lost implies that there is a way that can and should be followed. Which is exactly my point - it's a pathless path. Different for everyone, every time and trying to follow SOME concepts, to find ANY outward orientation is what is likely to get you lost in the first place.

If I misunderstood, please correct me. Good chance I'm missing your point 

Edited June 29 by theleelajoker

[Oppositionless]

I lost the love of my life (so far, I am confident I'll meet someone else) through a combination of unclear boundaries, emotional instability, and ego tricking me with shiny objects (hotter girls). I can't even begin to describe the level of misery that ensued. Depression is thrown out there for all sorts of mental states, this was a level of despair and misery that consumed my entire being basically 24/7 for the better part of a year. It was so intense that I feared I would die, not necessarily from suicide, I feared the feeling itself would kill me. 

Edited June 29 by Oppositionless

[AION]

Probably your ex GF triggered something from your childhood. 

How was your childhood and the relationship with your parents? Probably the clues are there. 

Any way it is a shitty situation. I was in the same boat last year and I’m slowly scrambling together from it. 

It is important to frame pain in the right way. You can either numb the pain or make the pain wake you up. 

Failed relationships can cause pain but it should be pain of growth. When in hell keep walking. Don’t stop. 

And lastly stop judging yourself. You treat women the way you treat them for a reason. Don’t judge yourself and keep playing the field like a smooth operator. Until you find somebody safe enough and worthy enough to open to. 

[Oppositionless]

On 6/27/2025 at 4:18 PM, ROOBIO said:

 I've had plenty of opportunities, but I just can't be bothered to follow through. I’m struggling to relate to girls on a deep level.

 

 

I felt the same way. Literally can't be bothered. I reframed it though, by realizing that most people just kinda suck. It's not just that you're struggling to connect with women on a deep level, it's that most people simply have no depth, and your ex did. lol
 

Before you met your ex you were fine with zero-depth relationships. You could spit game on low consciousness women and have sex with them. Now that you've tasted something real, with a woman with some degree of consciousness, you don't want to go back. 

Edited June 29 by Oppositionless

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@ROOBIO

I am vicariously happy the words were helpful

It took me many years (and many heartbreaks) before I learned I had this resilience.

Through experience you learn your capabilities. 

You have a growth mindset, so you will bounce back - and without any jaded feelings toward love 

[ROOBIO]

@AION I will, i know once i work through this I will come out stronger 

@Oppositionless Yeah it sucks like that, the mind does compare a lot. But one thing to realize is that there are lots of amazing women out there. Take time to heal and try again. As other people say on this thread.

@Natasha Tori Maru I am happy you are happy. This was my girl first I really loved, and first real heartbreak.

 

So it was her birthday yesterday and I messaged her. I think it was the right thing to do even though I am pressed sad now but it is a loving sadness.

I wished her happy birthday. It was honestly a good convo. She was happy I wished her happy birthday and for me to reach out, but she also asked why I messaged I said I told her recently I’d had dreams about her, she had been on my mind recently, which made me relise she still mattered to me and I care for her wellbeing, but I said wasn’t trying to reopen anything just needed to say the truth. 

She told me she didn’t expect to hear from me, and that how things ended back then hit her hard since it was so abrupt. But she also said that over time she understood why I handled it that way, and she wasn’t holding it against me. I told her that it messed me up for a while after and I still feel the guilt to this day. The told me that I shouldn't feel guilty

She said I was important to her, and thanked me for giving and creating amazing moments with her and for her and that she’d remember all our experiences together. It honestly gave both of us closure.

But... This closure is painful right now, but now I can start to let her go 

Edited June 30 by ROOBIO

[samijiben]

39 minutes ago, ROOBIO said:

@AION I will, i know once i work through this I will come out stronger 

@Oppositionless Yeah it sucks like that, the mind does compare a lot. But one thing to realize is that there are lots of amazing women out there. Take time to heal and try again. As other people say on this thread.

@Natasha Tori Maru I am happy you are happy. This was my my first I really loved, and first real heartbreak.

 

So it was her birthday yesterday and I messaged her. I think it was the right thing to do even though I am pressed sad now but it is a loving sadness.

I wished her happy birthday. It was honestly a good convo. She was happy I wished her happy birthday and for me to reach out, but she also asked why I messaged I said I told her recently I’d had dreams about her, she had been on my mind recently, which made me relise she still mattered to me and I care for her wellbeing, but I said wasn’t trying to reopen anything just needed to say the truth. 

She told me she didn’t expect to hear from me, and that how things ended back then hit her hard since it was so abrupt. But she also said that over time she understood why I handled it that way, and she wasn’t holding it against me. I told her that it messed me up for a while after and I still feel the guilt to this day.

She said I was important to her, and thanked me for giving and creating amazing moments with her and for her and that she’d remember all our experiences together. It honestly gave both of us closure.

But... This closure is painful right now, but now I can start to let her go 

You don't need to let her go. You were never in love with her. You were in love with the fantasy of her which is still very much alive so you can either choose to fall back in love with that or choose a new fantasy to envelop yourself in, or go for a ride and hit one out the ballpark, since there is a possibility of leaving all fantasies behind you indefinitely, especially if you trip on shroomies

 

[Oppositionless]

11 hours ago, ROOBIO said:

 

@Oppositionless Yeah it sucks like that, the mind does compare a lot. But one thing to realize is that there are lots of amazing women out there. Take time to heal and try again. As other people say on this thread.

Yeah, maybe not a majority of people suck, but a rather large minority. I guess I just have a habit of attracting those types of people, probably my karma for being a fuckhead when I was in my early 20s.

Edited June 30 by Oppositionless

[archi]

On 6/27/2025 at 11:18 PM, ROOBIO said:

Hey everyone,

I then last year got into a relationship. She was the love of my life. I had never felt a connection like that with anyone before. She was beautiful, we were incredibly close and intimate, and we deeply understood each other. It felt like a real love story, we even travelled across Europe together. But at the start of this year, she began expressing her vision for the future, and unfortunately, it didn’t align with mine. She wanted to have kids in five years, and I don’t want children at all. So we broke up. It was a mutual decision, but we were both heartbroken.

 

ok, if you felt that she is love of your life or true love you should have aligned. I do not know how old you are , whether you have children, etc.

However, if you really felt as you felt you and children was the only difference then I can tell you , you f*cked up. 
Someone, woman willing to give birth to your children is a big thing. 

If there were further differences and the only connection was just sex for instance then ok.

Btw. you can still return to her  .