Tired of Dating: The Confusing Pattern of Sudden Disconnection

[Hugo Oliveira]

I wanted to share something I’ve been struggling with for a while. I’m honestly tired — tired of dating, tired of trying to connect, tired of glimpses os connection that don't go anywhere.
There’s a strange dynamic I just can’t seem to make sense of.

I consider myself attractive, emotionally available, and a good partner. Most of my dates go well — we create real chemistry, deep connection, and share pleasant, even exciting, experiences. Often, the women express interest in meeting again.

Sexually, I feel confident and satisfied with what I bring to the table too.

But there’s another side of the story that’s been draining me. There are periods where rejection hits me over and over again, and I don’t even get the chance to understand why. I’ve tried to look at this from every possible angle — honestly, deeply — and still, I don’t get it.

Many of these rejections come suddenly: ghosting, cutting off communication, or just disappearing without explanation. I swear I’ve tried to find the logic behind this — and it’s not some cliché stuff like “texting too much” or “being too nice.” It feels like something else entirely, something I can’t grasp.

And it’s exhausting.

To make it even more confusing, some of these women eventually come back — texting me again, making eye contact at the gym, even stopping to say hi. But by then, I’m left feeling emotionally worn down and confused.

Why does this keep happening? Why does it feel like connection and rejection are cycling through in such unpredictable ways?

If anyone relates or has thoughts on this kind of experience, I’d really appreciate hearing from you.

[Schizophonia]

Ask them directly. 

Woman are strong emotionnal mirrors that dont lie; It's about your own indecision, i would say.

 

Edited May 5 by Schizophonia

[Yimpa]

3 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

Woman are strong emotionnal mirrors that dont lie

6 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

 

[Schizophonia]

3 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

 

Neville Goddard approves. 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIx-MfnA358

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SdiL9XFKkU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYmFAWvk0TU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hOwNudcVgI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-tYMsLRlwg

https://www.girlschase.com/article/whyd-she-reject-you-3-rejection-factors

https://www.girlschase.com/article/why-girls-suddenly-pop-back-again

Edited May 5 by Raze

[Yimpa]

@Raze The certified link freak back at it again, I love to see it!

[integration journey]

@Emerald Can you give your thoughts on this topic please? I was wondering the same thing.

[Emerald]

@integration journey If I rule out the general dynamics on dating apps... which seem to create these types of dynamics because people can treat dating like shopping...

Then, I would wager that there may be some kind of internal dynamic with the OP that's playing out externally.

What I've noticed in working with people over the years is that there tends to be these repeat patterns that happen based on early experiences... and there's a tendency to unconsciously reconstitute the same type of childhood familial dynamic in facets of adult life, including but not limited to romance.

So, what I would ask the OP is @Hugo Oliveira 'Did you ever experience this kind of 'on-again-off-again' pattern in childhood relative to connection with your parents or care-givers?'

Almost synchronistically and inexplicably, we can find ourselves caught up in the same painful cycles from childhood.... which we have unconsciously and subtly reconstituted in order to bring us back into the original pain.

[Hugo Oliveira]

2 hours ago, Emerald said:

Did you ever experience this kind of 'on-again-off-again' pattern in childhood relative to connection with your parents or care-givers?'

Absolutely. My childhood was chaotic.
I agree that this is an inside-out process. It’s just that, despite extensive research into shadow work and similar approaches, I haven’t found anything that truly helps.

Thanks for your response @Emerald

[Emerald]

3 hours ago, Hugo Oliveira said:

Absolutely. My childhood was chaotic.
I agree that this is an inside-out process. It’s just that, despite extensive research into shadow work and similar approaches, I haven’t found anything that truly helps.

Thanks for your response @Emerald

You're welcome!

One thing that can help in these repeat dynamics is to understand that you're repeating it to put yourself back in the emotional state that an unconscious part of you has stayed in since those chaotic events in childhood.

And that's because, when we experience traumas and chronically unmet needs, we fragment our personality to cope with it... and we relegate those fragmented off parts of ourselves to the unconscious (the Shadow).

And those parts stay frozen in time in the Shadow... and they keep looping around like a broken record, forever stuck in those vulnerable and painful feeling states.

And it allows the rest of your personality to move on and grow... while that fragmented off part of you stays stuck in a state or arrested development experiencing and re-experiencing the pain on repeat on an ongoing basis until you become conscious of and resolve the pain this part of you is constantly dealing with.

So, this part of you in the unconscious has its NUMBER ONE GOAL to put you (as the conscious personality) back in the same painful experiences from childhood to get you to reconnect with it. And it does this so that the unconscious repeat pain cycle can finally resolve and this fragmented off part of you can be reintegrated and grow past that moment.

But the issue is that the conscious personality is fairly numb to these unconscious dynamics... and so it's much easier to stay in that less vulnerable state, using coping strategies to avoid the pain that your Shadow Aspect is constantly feeling.

So, this Shadow Aspect is likely unconsciously manipulating you into getting into relationships where the same pattern will play out... with partners who are dealing with the same pain but the opposite coping strategy.

And in order to get this pattern to stop playing out, you'd need to allow yourself to be present with the pain this Shadow Aspect so yours (which has bore the brunt of the traumas around the chaos from childhood) is going through. 

It keeps using this relationship dynamic as a means of attempting to get you to face it and to be with it in its pain by making you feel the way it constantly feels. So, you would need to consciously and deliberately feel the feelings associated with the chaos.

Here's a video on made on this topic...

 

Edited Tuesday at 10:04 PM by Emerald

[CARDOZZO]

Canoas is a hot spot for pickup. 

Approach more  

[EternalForest]

On 5/5/2025 at 1:42 PM, Schizophonia said:

Ask them directly. 

Woman are strong emotionnal mirrors that dont lie; It's about your own indecision, i would say.

 

Even if that was true, it sounds like hell to me. Imagine watching your every subconscious move around women to such a degree that you have to work so hard to avoid having it reflected back? It's also a roundabout way of saying the woman is always right or more emotionally correct, which isn't true at all.

OP sounds like a solid guy who isn't doing anything wrong imo. He just hasn't found the woman who really GETS him on a deep level. Relationships are deep things.

[Thought Art]

On 2025-05-05 at 1:42 PM, Schizophonia said:

Ask them directly. 

Woman are strong emotionnal mirrors that dont lie; It's about your own indecision, i would say.

 

Hahaha, that is so far from the truth

”Why did you ghost me”

”why didn’t reject me”

girls likely won’t answer and likely don’t know intelligently. 
 

Vibe, energy, frame, emotion intuited social value. This is so important. Women don’t have like an explicit criteria. 
 

Honestly, Owen Cooks work is really useful to grasp this stuff. 
 

Keep cleaning up that shadow stuff, work on your cognitive behaviour, invest in coaching, books, courses. Hammer this fucking mountain to the ground.

Edited Wednesday at 12:38 PM by Thought Art

[Hugo Oliveira]

hahaha a few things to share...

 

12 hours ago, CARDOZZO said:

Canoas is a hot spot for pickup. 

Approach more

Obrigado pela dica, irmão! I've made a few moves recently that went smoothly, BUT… fun fact: after a really interesting flirty chat in person and exchanging numbers, guess what? Same old story I mentioned earlier. Ghosting and indifference.
 

 

On 05/05/2025 at 2:42 PM, Schizophonia said:

Ask them directly. 

I did it!! Some crazy results:

She actually thanked me for my honesty when I asked, and she answered in detail about several logistical things that were limiting her availability. But what happened next was bizarre. I replied to her voice messages in a way that was totally weak and people-pleasing. When I listened to my own audio, I didn’t recognize myself. It felt like it wasn’t even me — just totally cringe… And then she simply never replied again. I ended up feeling really guilty about the way I responded.

Maybe this has something to do with a kind of self-sabotage, as @Emerald mentioned.

 

15 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

Vibe, energy, frame, emotion intuited social value. This is so important. Women don’t have like an explicit criteria. 

I really believe in that. I think over the past few days, my energy dropped because of alcohol and porn use. Maybe I became more vulnerable to external energies, and my own vibe got kind of messy.
If I were to bet on the causes of the issue, I’d say it has to do with that, combined with something related to my childhood/shadow, as mentioned earlier.

[Hugo Oliveira]

I’m feeling better today. I’ve been talking to other women and things are going well. But the issue I brought up has been a lifelong torment — it’s not something I can just mask with success, making more approaches or things like that. I need to find a way to truly address it.

Elevated states of consciousness have already worked as a powerful remedy in the past. But now I need something that can be integrated into my daily life.

[Thought Art]

@Hugo Oliveira Sobriety, find a good friend group to help you maintain a high state. I find there are really good men’s groups in big cities that can push, grow, affirm and inspire you. That can really help to raise your baseline state. Consider doing Qigong and Breathwork. 
 

There is so much you can do. It’s a problem you can, and will solve as long as you keep working on it. 
 

Look, shadow work and childhood stuff is important. But, it’s your cognition, your state now that matters. I’m all for shadow and childhood stuff. But, also, studying rational cognitive behaviour is more important because of a lot of this shadow work stuff is just farting around in memories that don’t exist in the present. But, your thinking does. 
 

I think the value of the childhood and shadow work stuff is being up these:

1. Self affirmations you made as a kid

2. Beliefs and stories you’ve constructed 

3. Frames you placed in reality

Then, using mindfulness to observe them with openness and curiosity. 
 

Then, we want to use and study and consume higher level thinking, create better stories, create a healthier self image, and a new frame and vision for reality. 

Edited Wednesday at 01:14 PM by Thought Art

[Schizophonia]

39 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

Hahaha, that is so far from the truth

”Why did you ghost me”

”why didn’t reject me”

girls likely won’t answer and likely don’t know intelligently. 

 

 

They'll respond.
They're more emotional and conflict-avoidant, so they might not say "because our relationship was shit and I was with you by default," lol, but they'll say something that clearly says they were bored.

Quote

 

Vibe, energy, frame, emotion intuited social value. This is so important. Women don’t have like an explicit criteria. 

Neither do men.
But due to the desire to reproduce and gain social recognition, men are more emotionally (and sexually) depraved, more likely to tell themselves stories about what emerges from their relationship.
But women have more self-esteem; They know when a relationship isn't great.

Quote

 

Honestly, Owen Cooks work is really useful to grasp this stuff. 
 

Keep cleaning up that shadow stuff, work on your cognitive behaviour, invest in coaching, books, courses. Hammer this fucking mountain to the ground.

No, you don't need all that; it would be horrible.

One "just" has to be himself and find a girl with commonalities, and who he finds attractive.
Then the flow of dopamine and excitement does the work.
 

To me at least it works like that. 

Edited Wednesday at 01:16 PM by Schizophonia

[CARDOZZO]

37 minutes ago, Hugo Oliveira said:

Obrigado pela dica, irmão! I've made a few moves recently that went smoothly, BUT… fun fact: after a really interesting flirty chat in person and exchanging numbers, guess what? Same old story I mentioned earlier. Ghosting and indifference.

It is tough. You never know why they ghost you. Neediness? 

Have you read Models by Mark Manson? 

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, EternalForest said:

Even if that was true, it sounds like hell to me. Imagine watching your every subconscious move around women to such a degree that you have to work so hard to avoid having it reflected back? It's also a roundabout way of saying the woman is always right or more emotionally correct, which isn't true at all.

When I say ask them, I'm not talking about becoming what they want.
I'm talking about simply asking why they left, and finding out the source of the problem.

1 hour ago, EternalForest said:

OP sounds like a solid guy who isn't doing anything wrong imo. He just hasn't found the woman who really GETS him on a deep level. Relationships are deep things.

Lol, if he didn't do anything wrong, then he wouldn't complain on a thread.

You rather mean it's okay to be wrong, to be confused.

[meta_male]

On 5.5.2025 at 5:57 PM, Hugo Oliveira said:

If anyone relates or has thoughts on this kind of experience, I’d really appreciate hearing from you.

Yes, I can relate and for me it was only clear in hindsight. What is your MBTI personality type?