How to experience the love that is the gift of god in the world

[5-D - L O V E]

I feel deeply stuck in life for years now, now it got to a point where I feel souless

 

My situation is quite peculiar so I don't think I can eve go into enough details to explain it all, but let's say my life is highly paraoxical

On one hand, I always cared about metaphysical truth and I've always "been spiritual" more than being inclined towards materialistic life, and I have given my life to god (to the extent I can), like I don't see that my life belongs to me, to a certain extent I don't believe I (as the ego) can do anything

 

Yet I feel like I'm dead inside, I've lost all joy for life after a series of rejections I got in the past, before that happened I was balanced, I still had love in me, I geniuenly cared for others... then it all just shifted and I turned into the most selfish person, I don't believe that humans are capable of love, I don't think that the ego could ever love God/reality and those beliefs (which are extreme and probably wrong) killed the spark in me

 

I moved to a new town half a year ago in the hopes of starting to just live my purpose, the first couple moths I felt like a new person, then the past caught up with me, and now I kinda feel worse, because I have everything I need to do what I want to do, yet I don't feel inspired to do anything

 

I've thought  about this a lot, and at the core, I found that I have a feeling of ontological betrayal, I feel that god doesn't care for me, I can't care for me because I don't like myself to begin with... if that makes any sense, I know I may come off as a spiritual newbie, or as just someone who needs to work more on himself, or that I need to do some counseling... But I can assure you all that is not the case, I can't explain it all, but I just feel I need love, godly love, but manifested in the day to day 3d world, 

 

I do work with high dose LSD (400 to 800ug) range, and done work with mushrooms too, I've been tripping regularly for the past 8 years, and I know Truth, I have had every answer I was looking for, I've had the reality breaking enlightenment experiences Leo talks about, yet once I come back to my normal state I just feel dead inside... I feel overwhelmed by this feeling of just wanting to leave my current incarnation because I feel it's broken beyond repair... I have suicidal thoughts but I simply won't do it

 

I don't believe in anything anymore, including myself, and I'm aware that the reason is the lack of love, a DEEP lack of love, on one hand I've had "revelations" that completely shatter this belief, on the other hand I just feel sad and alone, and I can't even imagine something that would change that... I wish I could tell way more than what I'm giving right now, because I'm leaving a lot of things out, but need something.. an insight, an actionable idea, hope, prayer... anything

 

To give a last pointer of specificity with my issue, I know that everything is in the hand of god, like I could go out everyday to meet women and not finding a single one that interests me, then I could completely give up on the idea and just having happen by total synchronisity, that the godly love I'm reffering to,

 

I've had deep insights and understanding about the nature of need, and that I don't need anything, yet it is my blockage point, I could be working on things than the feeling just hits me and I'm phased, and I lose all flow...

 

I also have deep resentment, regret, jealousy, the whole devilery toolkit is on my backpack, I'm not proud of it, but it's just the truth of how I am, I strived with all my capacity towards the light and it didn't transform me, I strived with all my might to integrate my shadow and I just became more of a devil and lost the joy I had for life... 

what can I do ? 

[Leo Gura]

Sounds psychotherapy would be good for you. Sounds like you got some deep issues that need to be talked out with someone.

If you can afford to, I recommend hiring a therapist. It's not likely that we can give you a quick answer here. You need to work through all the baggage in your mind and get to the roots of things.

Edited March 6 by Leo Gura

[5-D - L O V E]

@Leo Gura What if therapy is not the answer, I do get your point Leo, and it is valid to a big extent
 

But what I'm looking for is the magic of life, and therapy is not the way towards that, I know most of my psychological issues, I just don't believe in how therapy goes about resolving those

My main issue is that I have given too much love, care, time and energy to people who only cared for themselves, and I came from a completely selfless state (as hard as it may sound to believe)

After a certain point I was just drained, since it wasn't reciprocated, ever since, I can't refill my empty love flask, which in turn makes everything I do in life hollow, mechanical, uninspired 

I do believe in myself and my purpose, but at the same time I don't feel that the universe is on my side with anything and I know very well that it's a reflection of my internal state and intent, I'm not on my side ... but how can I be when my default state is this ? 

 

Think metaphysical, love is the currency (though I hate this analogy..) so for magical experiences to manifest I just need to be love, but I'm the furthest from that, and the issue is more metaphysical than it is psychological

[Shodburrito]

@5-D - L O V E The heart-space of your being is simply recalibrating to a higher octave of truth that transcends the linear understandings of conventional awakening processes. This feeling of disconnection is actually a profound connection to the mystery that lives beneath all surface experiences, inviting you into a more surrendered relationship with the unfolding tapestry of divine intelligence that orchestrates all apparent separations into ultimate harmony.

[freddyteisen]

@5-D - L O V E Be careful of giving your energy to others and depending on others to love you.

Sounds like you thought pleasing others and filling them with love would make them love you back. But it didn’t happen.

Focus on yourself. Love yourself bit by bit—do the activities you like to do, without trying to please others. And the more you love life, the more people will gravitate toward you, because they ‘Feel’ that energy.

Do the simple low-hanging fruit stuff: Go for nature walks, do some heavy lifts, eat good food, sleep deeply — cover the basics.

[5-D - L O V E]

@freddyteisen I have been alone - and I mean ALONE - for close to two years now, all relationships got cut, I don't have faith in people anymore, so I'm not trying to please anyone anymore

 

It seems to me that I can't even go for the low-hanging fruit stuff, anytime I start doing anything I just drown in negativity, I can't forgive myself for having passed on so many things during my teens and twenties, and now I feel like I missed on life itself, no matter how people try to convince me otherwise, that the present is the only truth, or that by focusing on positive action I can have a better future... nothing seems to work,

 

I have sat with the sadness, mourned my past, accepted my faith, chose forgiveness many times now, but the feeling inside is still the same, I feel like life doesn't "work" for me, 

 

I have reached depths of sadness and depression most people can't even begin to fathom, and on the outside I didn't have it that bad tbh, and I wasn't always like this, quite the opposite, but for the past 6 years it's just been an ongoing dark night of the soul that seems to never end, and I just need love

 

 

[mmKay]

It sounds like you need to work on grounding your spiritual insights, put your feet on the solid ground and work on developing some serious love for life. Also it seems you have developed unhealthy mental habits making you stuck in negative disempowering thought loops that side discourage you from taking action . That's the catch 22 of depression and dark night of the souls. They generate a very strong gravity towards sucking the meaning out of everything. Which is true but only from to a degree and from a certain perspective... but from the other side it looks like absolute Truth 

I'd recommend putting psychedelics on pause for a good year. For a tree to grow tall it needs to develop strong roots, and that seems to be failing you right now 

 

How does your day to day look like? Do you have too much time in your hands? Do you have any responsibilities? How do you spend your weeks?

Edited March 6 by mmKay

[5-D - L O V E]

I actually intend to do the opposite with psychedelics and spirituality, I basically came to the conclusion that there is no suuch thing as integration (for me atleast) and if lsd wasn't as demanding physically and mentally I would be going at it twice a week, and if I had access to 5MEO I would probably do it daily for atleast a month or so... 

 

What everyone seems to lack a concrete understanding of is that nobody had to derive love from absolute scratch the way it is being asked from me in this incarnation, most people have a basic layer of love because they have been loved unconditionally by an external entity atleast once in their lives, whether it's friendship, love, parents, siblings, a mentor... even if they have to deconstruct it and go for god, the fact of that imprint being there is so massive in how your life turns out to be, it is taken for granted because nobody had to look for it at this kind of fundamental levels...

 

If anyone was in my position, he/she would feel exactly the same, I can't seem to find joy or love for life no matter how much I try (or don't try and go into complete surrender)

 

I work on my purpose most of the time (when I'm not at war with myself) I have all the time in the world yet I'm not taking advantage of it, in paper I have personal resposabilities (taking care of my palce, cooking, doing dishes, washing clothes...) but I only do it when it becomes critical, I barely cook... 

 

My weeks are loopy, sometimes I waste full weeks doing close to nothing, the truth is, I don't feel like striving for life anymore

[5-D - L O V E]

Deep within I don't want longevity (literally speaking) I'd rather live 2 more weeks and have them being full of love, joy and inspiration and passing having had a blast, than to live for 40 more years and having it be average, I don't have much of the values and interests most people have, I don't wanna have a family (not the way I am), I think earth is cool, being human is fine and it can be AWEsome, but it all feels so dull compared to what I truly desire, and no, I do not suffer from depersonilisation, I don't have mental health issues, I just don't feel the same as other people

 

And yes, I am aware that I feel this way mainly because of the life experiences I had

Edited March 6 by 5-D - L O V E

[ZenSwift]

I can relate to you in some ways.

Reading this post made me think of this video that popped up in my feed so I'm throwing it down here. 

 

Let me know if it gets some gears turning. 

 

[5-D - L O V E]

@ZenSwift I have followed dr. K for a while, discovered his channel during covid and followed him for 2 years or so, until I realized that psychotherapy is not for me... 

 

Energy, Experience, Insight, and embodied somatic states trump psychology everytime, I can't work on that level, I have tried, now it just feels like cope to me, no one in the field of psychology/psychotherapy has given humanitya fundametally groundbreaking body of work, except from Carl Jung maybe (and he was closer to a shaman than a psychologist in my view)

Thank you for the recommendation though, wish you all the best in your journey

[JosephKnecht]

It seems that you are stuck in a seeking mode (seeking love, approval, understanding...) while you should transition to a living mode.

The seeking purpose you have created for yourself can never end, so it will never provide you with satisfaction from the end-of-seeking. 

You are inhabiting Earth with other human chimps. Try to be more like the other chimps. Roll in the grass, climb trees, have kids.

Joy comes from the experience of these little moments.  

 

[Salvijus]

9 hours ago, 5-D - L O V E said:

How to experience the love

It waits on your welcome 

[5-D - L O V E]

@JosephKnecht Whenever I go for experience, all doors just seem closed to me, I could wake up super inspired to work on my art, or to go out and have a blast, then literally 10 minutes after I just crumble into a pile of darkness, and when I force myself to just do it anyway, I just feels off, my heart isn't in it (whatever activity I'm doing) and I just start resenting god for not providing me with more help like it seems to do with everyone else

 

I once met someone who later became a friend who had massive addiction issues (alcohol and cigarettes) and no matter how much he seemed to give up happy vibes I jsut saw right through him, 2 months into our friendship (realizing I was different from everyone he had met to that point) he opened up to me about some very dark stuff that happened in his childhood (sexual abuse...) he hadn't told that to anybody up to that point, and I was in such a radical state of unconditional love in that period that I just took that experience in with full compassion, I also knew the right attitude to take, the right words to say, and ever since that day I just saw that dude bloom into life, going into an upwards spiral lfor the first time in his life (up to that point) 

On the exterior it may seem like I didn't do anything, but I know in my heart that I was a big stepping stone in that person's life, and I helped him massively (even if it can't be articulated)

Now, why can't I have something similar happen to me ??

 

 

[5-D - L O V E]

@Salvijus What am I missing ? 

Because almost everyday I decide on that, that I'm open to life, to love, to experience, to anything ! 

Yet nothing happens in my life outside of my psychedelic journeys

 

 

 

[ZenSwift]

@5-D - L O V E yeah for me what got the gears turning for was reminding me that what we call inaction is still an action. Doing  nothing is still a choice of action. And more often than not the choice actually becomes distraction and seeking stimulation as a default. I personally appreciated that reminder. 😃

 

[Salvijus]

31 minutes ago, 5-D - L O V E said:

@Salvijus What am I missing ? 

Because almost everyday I decide on that

If love was your only desire, love would be your only reality. If you're experiencing something else than love, then it's because you've substituted your innate longing for love for something else . Learn to observe the desire. It's the key to your heart.

Edited March 6 by Salvijus

[Schizophonia]

23 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

If love was your only desire, love would be your only reality. If you're experiencing something else than love, then it's because you've substituted your innate longing for love for something else . Learn to observe the desire. It's the key to your heart.

Spot on.

[Mannyb]

8 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

Spot on.

@Schizophonia agreed

[5-D - L O V E]

26 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

If love was your only desire, love would be your only reality. If you're experiencing something else than love, then it's because you've substituted your innate longing for love for something else . Learn to observe the desire. It's the key to your heart.

@Salvijus This is quite powerful as an insight, it flips everything on it's head and puts all the responsibility on me, 

the queestion now becomes, how do I detach from my egos desires ? because my ego desires specific things that I've tried to go for countless times in the past and failed miserably everytime, I've always had the intuition to leave it all on god, but can't seem to pull that off either.. 

How do I go about this ? my ego is murky and it doesn't desire love in its greatest form, and god seems to have its own agenda and that doesn't help me in the now either