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Your not defining Spirituality correctly... As You say most humans just want to be living fulfilling, comfortable lives, this is Spirituality! Spirituality means living to a higher Possibility/Potential than You are right now.. People want what they are lacking in, if You lack in Money, You want Money, if You lack in Love you want Love, if You lack in Intelligence You want to be Smart and so on, that is Desire, Desire is being more than what You are right now, Desire is in all Living Things, all Living Things want to be at their peak, the plant, the insect, the animal, and especially the Human Being, Meditation is not Spirituality, Mantra is not Spirituality, Prayer is not Spirituality, Temples are not Spirituality, these things are just tools, like Your Car, Your Phone, Your Money, your Eyes, Ears, Nose, Mouth, just use them and discard them when not needed.. The Problem here is identifying with the Tool and not what the Reality is, Spirituality is just Being More than what You Are Right NOW, and when You get to be more then guess what You will still want to be More.. When You get to be Peaceful of Your Own nature, You want to be Happy Now, and when Happy naturallly everyday, You then want to be Loving, then on to Joy, then onto Bliss, the onto Ecstasy!! So don't misdefine Spirituality to be tools, it is none of those...

A relatively fresh but modern perspective is in a book titled The Biological Basis of Religion and Genius. You always recommend your audience things so I'm recommending this book to you and everyone else actually. Reason & Revelation book you will enjoy as well by this author responding to the world's atheism from a enlightened perspective. More details on what he talks: long-term noble behavior changes the brain if follow the "holy/evolutionary brain laws" you achieve the nirvana and genius by the fluids used for reproduction going upwards in the body. An of course the classical oneness experiences follows after. But many do not behave in certain noble ways so they fall from this state of consciousness. Author wanted more investigation on this so it could be easier for everyone to reach this state. I found this author because I was attending support groups for daily bliss that went on for months and he nailed a lot of my symptoms. I lost it due to not behaving by the holy brain laws but... I was ignorant at the time. It took this author 15 years to get back to this state. For those not in belief check the wiki page for religious ecstasy. Many saints from all religious backgrounds experienced bliss for days and longer. Many call it quasi-orgasmous because that's in a way what it is except more refined/less primitive.

@Leo Gura Here's the problem I'm having. It may very well be the case (according to the problem I'm having) that mechanical intelligence and stuff dealing with thinking of mechanical stuff with a particular concreteness of thought is more accomplishing than, say, something which is infinitely more complex but less dense as a unit (such as Nothingness or other abstract planes). For example I could experience electrical bliss and ecstasy in the body and see into other realms which are very complex and have real overlap with this reality, and there's apparent infinite intelligence there, and I could get everything I've ever wanted. But I still may have issue understanding how bridges are built. On the face of it this could be terrible advice. Most of your fantasies ideally wouldn't be consigned to fantasy, they would be acted on.

MAYA, ILLUSION, DECEPTION, VOILENCE, CHAOS, SUFFERING, ETC. are both misunderstood/misperceived and the result of that misunderstanding/resistance. When resistance is dropped, and grace grants us vision into the pure Divinity of Her, ALL THAT CHAOS GETS RECONTEXTUALIZED INTO WHAT IT ACTUALLY IS: THE DIVINE FEMININE/Shakti's fierce love offering, Shakti's fierce dance with us. Literal Consciousness made Manifest in Divine Orchestration. It's RAW, and in a way, SEXY in the purest essence of the word because it is challenging/teasing Him, the Divine Masculine, our Consciousness to See through the apparent illusion of chaos/bad/evil. When we are unconscious, She swallows us alive. As soon as we step up and MATCH 'HER' ENERGY WITH EQUAL CONSCIOUSNESS, we not only recognize Her beauty in the greatest mess/chaos but She also IMMEDIATELY 'CALMS DOWN' in our presence and becomes like a devoted cat, caressing our leg. Now to make this real let me share this: last year, I first saw: Police Cam Videos. A glimpse into chaos, violence, and real human conflict. Before I knew it, hours had passed, my nervous system was lit up like a battlefield, my mind wired on adrenaline, hands completely sweaty, and my body locked in a state of subtle or not so subtle tension. I had sworn off these videos, promising myself to never watch them again. But a few weeks ago, I got sucked into the police cam thread here on this forum and binge watched those videos all night. This time around, however, I had a surprisingly different experience - both while watching, and the insights/conclusion afterward. A much more divine one, in fact. Now before I share that, let me quickly share the dynamics that cause us to lose consciousness and get sucked into self-harming behavior. The Ultimate Test of Your Consciousness: Addiction & Adrenalin It feels as though we are pulled toward these things—toward violent videos, towards drama, towards endless stimulation. But this is a misperception/deception & trick of our mind. It it less true that the world is pulling us outward. It is more true that we are consciously or subconsciously distracting/pushing ourselves outward, away from something within. And this is not just about police cam videos—it applies to everything that overstimulates us. The endless consumption sometimes disguised as ‘learning’ but actually keeping us in a cortisol fueled, ever so slightly stressed state where we never encounter all of our suppressed subconscious material, which on the flip side prevents us from accessing the intelligence of our subconscious & superconscious mind. The Ultimate Love Making: When Presence Meets 'Chaos' So after a couple of months of emotional processing and various awakening practices like recognizing awareness & energetic transmissions, I ended up back in the rabbit hole of police cam video. However, this time there was a Revelation Within Violence. I let go of resistance. I stopped trying to suppress my own addictive tendencies. Instead, I watched with full awareness. I stayed present, grounded. And with that, instead of recoiling, instead of judging, I 'stepped up' into my presence, seeing through all my own reactions and the reactions of the people on screen, by recognizing what is actually happening: Divinity. Sheer Shakti. The sheer aliveness of the world. The same aliveness that moves through the orgasmic peaks of intimacy, through the ecstatic bliss of a dancer lost in motion, through the rush of a waterfall thundering down a mountain—this very same force was there, in the flashing lights, in the screams, in the collisions of bodies and fate. There was no difference. For the first time, I actually saw or intuitively sensed that this world—this chaotic, unpredictable, sometimes brutal world—is the dance of Shakti - a true transformative/transfiguring lovemaking. It's a little bit like David Deida describes in his book The Way Of The Superior Man, most fundamentally applied. I now realize, is a much greater and more beautiful challenge than I thought. I massively underestimated the RAW POEWR of HER. I am humbled and also ravenously challenged, invigorated, and willing to step up to the challenge. It requires Shiva’s unwavering presence to meet Her? Meet all emotions, all turmoil, within and without. Do you recognize her through all forms or do her disguises, illusions, and Maya, deceive you, trick you, lure you in, falter in integrity, and retreat as a whimsical presence. The world is not our enemy. It is our lover. Even in the darkest moments of human nature, there is an unspeakable beauty. Perfect in and of itself and simultaneously conspiring to help us awaken & heal. It is the very annihilating pain that is necessary for change. No challenge, no growth. No pain, no growth. Don't micro-traumatize yourself: That being said, I humbly recognize where my body, subconscious, and heart are on the stages below (meme) and meet myself as I am accordingly. This means as long as we cannot instinctively, immediately, and naturally see only divinity, it is much more wise to NOT watch Police Cam videos. They will create micro-traumas. I had to meditate for the entire next two days to purge all the subconscious imagery. If we don't notice this, it is because we are so overstimulated in a string of distractions that these things never surface and just more stuff gets dumbed on top in an addictive circle seemingly 'pulling' us deeper as we slowly drown, with less and less breathable 'life energy'. We are literally suppressing our innate Shakti. Each of us is actually extremely sensitive, which is a super-power and our natural, organic state. Most of us have long lost touch with that beautiful innocent tenderness. We are addicted to overstimulation because it shields us from feeling the weight of our own unprocessed subconscious material. But there are ways to step out of this unconscious hypnosis: PRACTICAL STEPS: Become ruthlessly aware of your distractions. Notice the impulse. See how the pull is actually a push. See every challenge and discomfort as an invitation to step up into our Presence. In other words: stop resisting, allow, and recognize what is happening. Recognize all sensations that makeup you and your resistance. Then, and only then, all transforms itself. Consider reading the book 'the incredible reality of you' by LUCIALORN and attending his online webcasts. I believe that may have been part of the grace that opened this temporary insight to divinity. Shift from consuming to integrating. If a single sentence or insight strikes you, stop. Let it sink in. Don’t rush to the next thing. Don't over-consume. That is unhelpful at best and gluttony as a subconscious avoidance mechanism, at worst. Confront the discomfort. Whenever you feel the urge to indulge in overstimulation—whether it’s violent videos, doom scrolling, or endlessly seeking information—pause. Feel what is beneath that urge. Pause for a few moments whenever an urge arises and see how you feel inside - what may you be moving away from? Initially, it may just be boredom, numbness, nothing, but see, why not stay with that? Why can't you just simply be (free from all urges to move & free to be, making ever move in pure consciousness)? When we sit with that tension or nothing/boredom, eventually emotions will reveal themselves and through that we rediscover ourselves. Awaking can be an instantaneous recognition & recontextualization. Healing is usually a slow and multi-year-long journey. Healing and un-conditioning our reactions takes some time. It's literally rewiring our brain and slowly growing a new, wholly nervous system. The result of integration and pain processing is real, gut-level, embodied liberation. At its core, this is not about discipline. It is about waking up to the amazing beauty of what already is unfolding in the infinite flows of being, in all of it's expressions. It is about seeing that everything—really everything—is Love. And when we are ready, when we finally stop running, we realize that the world was never a thread. She was only teasing us, inviting us to dance with Her.

Why do you think i'm trolling? I'm not scared of psychedelics, why would i be scared of them but not scared of breatharianism and going days without sleep? I just don't think they are necessary for the goal that i was trying to reach which was bliss, and i turned out to be right because i reached that goal without them (and without meditation for anyone that may think i'm one of those guys that is against psychedelics but pro meditation) Also when you go without food and sleep for a couple of days you get into a psychedelic like state, maybe not DMT level but it's enough. But i also haven't gone for longer than a couple of days so once i get to the point when i make that state permanent who knows what the visuals will be like. Also of course disclaimer to anyone who thinks of doing this to not do it if they don't have knowledge on the practices of course.

Yeah i have the truth, i know it sounds arrogant to say without taking psychedelics but i have realized that this is my dream and that everyone including you guys are characters within it that i am basically in a way being shizophrenic with. But even if there are some higher realizations i don't really care honestly, i only ever cared about happiness. But the thing is i wouldn't consider this truth to be enlightement, i always thought of enlightement as a state of bliss that lasts for the rest of life, and last year i managed to taste that state by using tools mentioned above (semen retention, fasting and most importantly no-sleep) and this year i'm trying to make that state constant which i know how to do practically but it takes time to transition to that lifestyle, because i'm not still a breatharian 100% and i'm not still physically awake at all times so i have to make those 2 changes which i will do this year, and then i'm just done with spirituality all together. But that state that i tasted was by far the best thing i ever felt, if that wasn't infinite love that everyone is hyping then idk what is, i was in complete bliss for hours (until i fell asleep which is when i lost it as i expected).

No, i don't think it's necessary for enlightement/happiness and health, which is what my goal always was, i don't care about exploring aspects of God, i just care about health, bliss, longevity.

I can't believe people are still living in the fantasy of the word 'democratic economy'. It's what perpetuates the 80's to 2010's fantasies of making it as a creative. That died fully about a decade ago and especially for the arts. I believe in both democracy and economy, those are just two words that don't go together anymore that's all. I turned off the television of that simulated machine of me as a cog in its wheel and now I operate solely according to my rules. It's a compromise. I'd really love to just play music, bliss out and create love with people. I'd really love to work for government and heroically solely for its interest. I'd really love to take my training in medicine and just be a doctor in a hospital and not have to worry about the rest of the world understanding that my purpose is carved out in making a difference in good peoples lives each day as a medical practitioner. This, is not reality. These are no longer reliable scripts. Money + island + 1 or more children + travel + woman/women (depending on circumstances) and everything else including medical is a bonus, including music/singing which is my own specialty in the arts that I only spend time on as I'm forced to as a part of the training of my own nervous system in particular directions. That's pretty badass though, that I'm 'forced' to master the electric guitar and singing so every once in a while I can just crank it out and get the hips moving heh. But that's all it is. It's sweet, nice and sentimental but its not anything more than that, we have a new politics for economy now including the economy surrounding human attention, success operates not only on different metrics, you should be expecting entirely different outcomes based on literally new generations that neuroplastically morph and wire the rest of their nervous systems according to those times. Remote control to television: Presses 'Off' button to simulation. Relaxes on a recliner on my own island, greets woman, fucks her brains out, wonder about what I can invent next after, fall to sleep; rinse, repeat. Eventual physical death. That's my present-future now, with some worldly travel, perhaps raising a kid (how many we'll find out) and send him to my own version of harvard as that'll be obsolete by then, write a few essays, do a bit of research, likely capitalize on latest CRISPR/variations (arguably first time and beyond psychedelic experiences) and genetically/related buzz myself in x and y directions outside of my own work on bioelectricity, and that'll be the complete script of my entire life before I die. The rest like nurturing true friendships along the way is just the details, even if we can argue relationships are the most important part, which I wouldn't stray far from, in fact there's too much of an argument to say that the 'democratic economy' is the perfect analogy now for what exists outside of true relationships while at the same time maintaining itself as the perfect distraction and subsequent destruction to them; the irony is rich. Moral of the story for todays times: Turn off the bloody television to the simulated reality of 'democratic economy' and get your balls heavy on the raw essentials: Money, freedom, love, nervous system. Now, if you're smart at the very least in a renewed way you're wondering how the hell you're going to get there. You can still 'make it as a creative' but it isn't going to be in the traditional 'creative fields', that is ah... not very creative. To truly master your creativity, you must master your vision of the world in which you're being creative in, if you can't even be in reality in these days about how your profession is going to manifest in todays toxic misguided cultural environment, you'll quickly finding yourself in a life-raft you never knew you boarded in the middle of the ocean while the people around pretend to save you, and you wonder, helplessly, why won't it just work? And now you're sniffing Kim Jong Un's authoritarian booty over his people's freedom of mind as he kills anyone who doesn't weep when they're in public on the day of his fathers passing each year and calls it justice for the people becaues obviously they're spies working for another government or didn't understand who they should have been grateful to. 'Creatives' were so valuable in a pre-technocratic attention span of the populace, however they've gone out of fashion with the radio, they no longer give valuable talk back with their art to progress society unless they also have power. That's the future now, and right now its just a baby. Give it a few more years and it'll develop a prefrontal cortex where it literally tells you straight to your face to put you in your place if we take it to the streets of Chongqing, China. And while you're sitting there, aimless perhaps, worried about the future of the world, that's just another way in which your attention is being coopted in conspiratorial thinking away from what truly matters, your drive towards the truth of handling your bare essentials, not just for today, but for the rest of your life. Step out of the toxic sociopolitical mindscape virus mud of modern society, turn off the simulated television that you're barely taking view of from the perspective of seeing yourself as the cog in the wheel, and get down to 'raw work'. What is 'raw work' as distinguished from 'television work'? Raw work is the work you put into something that you've directly calculated has an immediate positive impact on your path to freedom, even if its in contemplating and learning from failures. Raw work is the use of raw energy at the intersection of existential, financial, personal well-being and even long term relationships, it is money in the bank account of life as opposed to 'television work' which is where existentially, financially, your personal well-being and even truest long term relationships are treated like a commodity and have no return on investment in the long term future outside of adding fuel to the fire that is the matrix of the 'democratic economy' of todays environment still advertising false pathways to freedom.

“Reward” is a construction based on the ego, false self. All that you mention there is about survival and ego. Superknowledge, bliss, and immortality are ultimately meaningless in the Absolute. Reward has to do with survival and is relative and not Absolute.

There are very real rewards. Most notable ones Ive been able to grasp is 1-superknowledge 2-perpetual bliss (and we're talking untold levels of bliss) 3-Immortality. Also it solves all problems in existence. But don't try do it if you aren't ready, you'll just fuck yourself up.

Awakening to no self was incredible. The most profound peace and bliss. And it made me laugh hysterically. Awakening to non-duality was absolutely beautiful, but different because it made me cry tears of joy.

It can definitely cause a partial or whole psychological break. It will take you several weeks to integrate back into the self. When I first experienced no self it took several weeks for me to be able to function normally again. But there is a lot of bliss as well.

Case closed. Socialization being "natural" does not mean humans require it. A rock you're looking at is not a hypothesis. God is not a hypothesis. There may be anomalies. Someone can have anger or sadness while experiencing real magic, but there's an underlying bliss always. It's not the suffering endemic to how people live nowadays. The type of magic I mean they'll be gazing off into fully visible other realms, energies, and be in a totally heightened nonlinear perception that includes this one as a single perceptual point. Not that they're "visualizing" or fantasizing spirits. That's the distinction.

@Sugarcoat They arent really connecting these are just observations of what happens to the body. When someone kundalini they see its not coming from their body its coming from a metaphysical realm, like the feeling of energy going through the body is happening in a different realm then the realm the body is in. When you have a kundalini you see all the energy of reality is coming from a different dimension the energy isnt in the body but it can effect the body. The bliss isnt from brain doing things or vibrations its from a first person perspective of your soul touching reality as your third eye blows open. Sciences is basically language game that says, 'and then that happened'. They are not connecting things they are making observations then predicting future observations and have no idea what anything is. The predictions can be useful but not true. I might be being pedantic as its probably the closest science gets to spirituality.

To be present in this universe means that one believes one created this separation. It is all a bad dream just like you engage in at night. The imagination of God's children can create whole universes. They are mere distractions from the bliss of heaven.

@Someone here Yea I get what you say. Sometimes I have this want to completely get rid of all responsibilities and purely live life of purely magic and adventure. NO adultery confinement, NO rationality or logic, PURE fun, playing and exploring, for hours & hours. Exactly how I could get lost in nothing when I was young. When I could laugh in the nature, sun, ocean and grass fields and just play and be. The childlike awe without any adult beliefs or dogma layered over existence. No preconceived story, no old patterns or traumas layered over the world. Completely getting rid of ALL that indoctrination from kindergarten, school, parents, highschool or University, and purely seeing Life as mystical. Purely seeing humans, animals, birds, cars and trees like mystical beings. (Even though humans do have their egos, their worldviews, way of surviving, ideas, way of thinking and pragmatism). I don’t let their worldview inflict with Me seeing Them as Mystical beings—they’re God and they’re mystical, They are just not aware they’re Mystical Gods. At the same time I need to take responsibility, I need to survive, I must understand business, survival, politics, government, society, human behavior, science and psychology. I need to be serious and pragmatic. I need to have a clear understanding of the kind of society and world I live in, but STILL be able to live in that child like awe, bliss and wonder most of the time, where I don’t think—I just imagine, play and be. But parents, family and Unifriends are ‘threatened’ when I live too much in the former category—as a wonderous child who sees life as an unserious game.

while i agree that its inherent for the mind to fill in gaps, some stories tend to enforce more imagination than others. if i tell you to imagine infinite goodness, eternal love beauty and bliss, you will have all sorts of ideas of what that would be like. if i tell you to imagine absolute Nothingness on the other hand, well.. i agree

Oh my goodness how reality works sometimes… i just have to chuckle sometimes. So I’ve been working on this webpage and I talk to the Claudes a lot about it. It almost gets to the point where I question every move before I place it in the codepen. And regardless if I paid for the monthly access.. I still use up my time all the time. And I’ve been seeing how much this helps me in the coding. I keep thinking about how the Universe works when I’m in ceremony. There have been two times that I led Aya ceremonies… and believe me… no one was expecting or planning for this to happen. I mean I’m confident in how well I do in ceremony but there was no way that I would intentionally go into a ceremony and be like… ok… it’s my turn to lead… hehe… but with many lessons with Aya… I get placed into situations where I don’t see my potential unless I’m given a little push. So I’ll give a little back story about this leading in Aya which I’ve said before but I guess I”m going to bring it back up again. I was in my three month dieta and I was dieting master plants along with Aya. This is what we do to gain more confidence in leading ceremony as an Aya shaman. There are so many master plants we can diet and they all have some benefits to enhance skills in ceremony regardless if you’re going to be leading or not. This was my first time doing this… and since then I’d probably recommend anyone who wants to work with Aya to start up front with master plants in addition to Aya. Ceremonies shifted when I was doing this process but we also were only doing Aya once a week and dieted the master plant the night before. It was spread out and it worked really well. I’ve tried different styles and so far I’m leaning towards this way to share with my guests. Goodness I didn’t think I was going to go into all of the detail. This wasn’t really what I was going to talk about so I think I’m going to focus my attention on where I was going… and see if I circle back or not. But… how did the Universe give me a little push to lead Aya was where I planned on going so let’s start there. So the back story to this point is… I have gotten so used to allowing the shamans get me into a state of shamana mode… is how I try to explain it. There is a very distinct shift in my consciousness levels when I’m in the shamana mode… I am an Aya vessel of the Universe. I see differently, I feel different, I speak differently, I move differently… I am really in the zone and it feels amazing… but I have to get to that point in ceremony it doesn’t just start this way. Now it doesn’t usually take me long to get here… but I did rely on the shamans to get me here along with drinking Aya itself. I have mentioned how much I enjoy purging… it feels absolutely satisfying to get that shit out of my system… and I usually enjoy purging at the beginning to get me into shamana mode. I’ve worked with this particular shaman the most and his first Icaros can penetrate so deeply and I wait for him to sing it to get me prepared… and usually it doesn’t take me too long once I start to purge for me to transition into shamana. It’s challenging to describe at times… but the vision I have is the first sign of this switch. And this is even when I’m leaning over my bucket after getting sick in it… and having tissue paper in my hands blowing my nose and all that great stuff of getting shit out of my system… to become a cleaner vessel. But almost instantly after my vision my body is just more alive and wakes up and perks up and usually does a little shutter of excitement… like hell yeah… this is what it feels to be a live… it’s fucking awesome. And I also find it challenging how to explain how comfortable and natural it feels to be in this setting. Regardless if there are challenges I’m addressing… this space feels like home. So one ceremony… it started just like any other.. we prepare an we drink… and we wait and usually we might even take a nap because it’s just us two working and there’s no rush and no need to just wait impatiently… when it’s time we usually wake up and understand… hey it’s time… hehe… and we can feel this… this ceremony… didn’t seem any different… but when it was time… I was expecting him to start singing his Icaros fairly quickly after our recognition. I mean again no one is in a rush… but I could hear him struggling to sing. It was odd to hear this and I could see a little bit of his outline and it was obvious he wasn’t actually able to sing his Icaros. And that has never happened to him before. I felt really bad and I wasn’t sure what to do… and I kept feeling the feeling… it’s time… and I was like.. but how am I going to get into shamana mode? He was continuing to struggle trying to get his Icaros out and I was struggling because I wanted to help him but I couldn’t help him in this state.. and I didn’t know how to get myself into shamana mode…. And then it just clicked. You cannot wait on him this time. You’re going to have to figure this out on my own. And so I did… mostly through my purging techniques minus the Icaros… and it worked. And instantly when I shifted into shamana mode… I was instantly bursting out singing Icaros to help him out. I could see him continue to struggle and I could see him much better in this state… and he was battling the entire night. i even had to purge for him a few times. I guess there’s a lot about ceremony many do not understand.. I’ve mentioned it here and there.. but maybe I’ll go into it in depth some other time. Again… there’s so much on my mind and I’m trying to get there if I can stop dragging my feet. But this is an example how I have to get a little push for me to realize I have more potential than what I gave myself credit for. This was the first time I led… and the second time was with a group of six other guests. Some were my friends and some were his sons. That this we were taking a nap… and again I woke up because i feel when it’s time and this time my shaman kept on sleeping…. Hehe… I was clearing my throat and shuffling a little bit to hopefully wake him up. But he was snoring… and I have a room full of guests and I can feel everything is shifting into go time. And so I get myself into shamana mode and I start to sing once i”m in this state. The first shaman to sing leads ceremony. And so this was the first time I led an Aya ceremony with guests… multiple guests. And being a guest and leading guests is quite a different experience. Again I was being shown a different perspective of Aya… I was getting different messages.. and I was able to guide the direction a bit more… I say this in a way that I cannot really understand but will try to explain. I’m a vessel and I allow the Universe to use me as a tool; however, I am a tool that has been building skills in particular areas in life and so it seems that if I lead… it gears towards my specialties. So what I found interesting is that his sons haven’t really had ceremony where their father didn’t lead… and they got to experience what this was like. The sons who were present are powerful and are learning to be shamans as well. And I felt their power and potential and all I wanted to do was encourage them in their own unique paths. And that’s what I found funny is I ended up telling our main shaman who was supposed to lead was to let them grow into who they are. Give them the space and confidence in them to expand into their own versions of amazing vessels for the Universe to use. I observe a lot and I can assume a lot when I’m not in shamana mode, but when I am… there’s so much more understanding and the main shaman… he is awesome and very powerful at what he does. I mean he has transition into the Awakening as well.. hence why his ceremonies seemed far more powerful than other shamans I shared ceremony with. But he also thought that he needed to teach his sons “his” ways instead of encouraging them to learn their own unique ways of working with Aya and the Universe. And I was able to communicate this to all of them. Communication is unexplainable in ceremony… I mean there’s the obvious ways but the subtle and nonverbal ways… that’s truly fascinating. I know I’ve spoken about this before and I’ll go ahead and move on. But again… this wasn’t planned out but it’s what needed to happen to understand the degree of development I’ve been able to gain. So I see this happening in ceremony and at times I see how this applies in Reality outside of so called ceremony… even though life is becoming ceremony more and more… but these times where I get timed out and have to wait to talk to Claude about all the questions I have I’ve been seeing how reliant I am of getting for their feedback and validation of each step. I’ve been getting more and more use to coding and since I moved to the computer and able to see the code better and how the syntax of codepen works.. it’s starting to fall into place at a much deeper level. And as much as I want to make sure I’m doing it right… I found myself getting timed out and saying… why am I asking these little questions all the time. I should just be trying it out for myself. And that’s what has happened a few times where I am asking a question. It doesn’t go through and I’m placed on a wait and then I go and try it out and figure it out.. and so when it’s time to talk to Claude again I’m at a completely different spot to ask questions about. And so this was happening to me tonight. Although this time… my battery on my IPad got so low that I was in the middle of coding when it just shut down completely. And I chuckled.. no…. I didn’t save some of the changes on codepen. But it really doesn’t bother me anymore because… I’m actually understanding what I was working with and so if I go back into it and things didn’t get saved I’m confident that I can just add what I need to when I get the chance. And so I was sitting there waiting for the iPad to charge a little and I started to look into the mirror. And I feel like I feel healthier… and maybe even look healthier too. I’m just starting to feel different somehow lately. And I just started feeling how attractive I can be. And I start to think of the Aussie again. And this is where I was wanting to get to but again… many times I can distract myself and the Universe pushes me to focus and sometimes I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be focusing on until I have some time and space. I think I want to address my last conversation that I had on here about him. I’ve mentioned how challenging this lesson or message from ceremony has been on me. I mean I was able to figure out Awakening far easier than me understanding this man and our relationship. And I want to address it. There’s a back and forth struggle I go through where I want so badly to be with him and then it’s not happening and accepting this and so convincing myself that I don’t need to be with him at this time. And I do this more than I’d like to admit. And the last time it seemed like it implied that I only want to be with him to help me with my so-called insecurity with my relationship with money… but this is definitely not the only reason why I want to turn our relationship into something more than what it is now. I want to have romance in my life again. And I’ve told him this and at the time he would say he’s not wanting this with me and that maybe I can get some therapy to help me out. This was before I started to dabble into the dating scene where he realized that maybe he might have more feelings than he knew as well. But this isn’t being talked about. But this is what’s on my mind. I’ve had that little taste of romance and dating and it felt really really nice. I was thinking about going the date when I went out with one of the cavers who took me to the haunted house. It was fun going on a date with him. We stopped at a Mexican food truck for dinner. He was paying for everything so I got to sneak in dinner for the both of us so I can contribute to something. We found out we are both learning Spanish and was trying to talk to each other. Standing outside waiting for the food and people watching and chatting was enjoyable. Sitting in his car and eating and laughing was fun. Having in depth conversations about theology and philosophy… so much so that we kept missing our turns and had to re-route to get to the haunted house. We were really into our conversation and I loved that. Standing in line and giving each other a hard time whether we’re going to get scared or not in there was fun. And even though it wasn’t scary there were many moments where I’d jump and let out a little yelp… hehe… one was right at the beginning because I wasn’t expecting a blast of air to hit my face… hehe.. and since he saw and heard this he was holding my hand… and being a bit protective with me and that felt really nice. When we found each other jumping or getting creeped out we’d laugh at ourselves and one another… and when we couldn’t see in the darkness and how we were going to get anywhere without running into things…. trying to place our hands in front of ourselves but also not wanting to touch anything… hehe... It was really just so much fun on this date night. We took a few photos together and we ended up going to one of his buddies and had a good time hanging out. I mean that’s the buddy I go to visit when I go to Indy…. I’m not sure if I’m going to continue but maybe. I mean… we ended up fooling around a little but what I really miss was the dating aspect of it all. If I wasn’t so curious of what I would do in the sexual part of things… and we just left it at the date night… I could possibly see doing more dates with him. It was super fun and I miss this part of myself. I love to love and the romantic ooey gooey-ness I like to give and receive is satisfying. And fulfills a deep sense of my character that I’ve been avoiding for years now. And I want to experience this again. I want to be introduced to this again. I really enjoyed how excited I was to meet with these guys. I didn’t know much about them which gave us plenty to talk about. And too bad again that I had gone so long without have sexual encounters that it was naturally leading to this and because of this… I wouldn’t want to go on a date with them again. I mean… having this being a part of our few engagements definitely showed me that there’s something more that I’m wanting in a romantic relationship beyond sexual engagements. As much as I want to explore my sexuality… this just really isn’t what I’m wanting to explore at this time. I understand that regardless of who I’m dating… I’m not ready to express myself truly in a sexual manner without really getting to know someone. And I even look back at how touching was such an intimate experience for me now. When I was sitting on the couch and the man was playing with my hand with his one hand and then playing with another girls hair in the other… it almost makes me feel like I wish I could do this again to an extent. Being able to express intimate guestures with anyone. It would make things easier in a way. And maybe its being able to detach gestures as intimate or not is something that I might want to look into more as well. At one time this wasn’t the case. But I do miss touch… I find myself rubbing on my hands and arms and enjoying the sensation of feeling my skin on my finger tips and my skin feeling the sensation of my fingers’ touch… it’s so tantalizing. This triggers fantasies of touching and being touched by the man I’d love to share touch with in an intimate manner. And yet it seems like we’ve been blocked to be able for us to share this. And because of this blockage I’m just curious to try to understand what my options are right now? Goodness… as I’m typing I’m seeming to have all of my sleepiness hit me all at once. As much as I’d like to explore more into these thoughts. I think I’m just going to head to bed and see how I feel when I wake up. it’s 5:43am right now. Let’s see how I feel once I’m rested. Goodnight. @12:31pm… I’m waking up and I feel a little hazy still… I’m thinking that I want to go deeper and stop staying at the surface when I think of him on here. And the truth is that I feel so deeply and I wish I could just express it to him directly. Again I think of him when I do things and just writing about him on an online Journal makes me want to hesitate because he’s a private person. The thing is I can’t keep bottling up my feelings. And I want to be more vulnerable and more transparent and so this has been a huge tool or platform for me to do this more. It helps gauge where I am and what I’m willing to express at the moment and I’m ready to express more when It comes to him. And it’s time to purge my thoughts. I want to say that I want to apologize before I go into this to him because I’m going to express intimate feelings but I also want to not want to apologize either. I’ve been attempting to have a relationship that is direct and not having to use my Journal to explore my feelings. But this is where we are and this is the way I’m drawn to express at the moment. This is my option right now. I’ve been through several attempts of rejection and it’s so challenging for me to continue to reach out and I’ve expressed this to him. Why am I not able to attract him enough for him to reach out to me? In a way I feel this option is no longer something I want to do. And as much as I’ve been through the rejection process with him… i still find myself wanting to reach out and finally I get the courage enough to just try again…. And again and again… When I reach out please don’t get me wrong… I’m not asking him this every month or even every year… it’s been spread out through the seven years we’ve known one another in this lifetime. So as much as I want to talk to him on the daily… I hold back and I reach out only when my heart is so full of expression that it bubbles over and I reach out. But again… things seem to be different right now. And after I wrote about him I even found myself not wanting to look at his stories anymore. Right a part of me wants to view them and see what he’s thinking about, but another part of me is like… if you keep doing the same things then it’s just going to stay the same. And so I’m trying to explore what options I have right now and how I can proceed in a different manner. And I guess the first thing is going to be more transparent on here. And honestly I’m not sure how to explore this so I’m just going to do what I do best… fumble around. So when I approach “him” in Reality I definitely seem to use my logical mind more than my heart. I feel like he’s more of an intellect than he is a lover… I understand this isn’t true but in my mind I feel there’s a blockage in expressing love and so I approach him through professional attempts. Hehe… he probably wouldn’t agree to this statement because eventually my logic turns to expressing my heart and so it’s a mixed bag when I approach him. But I want to find reasons why I should be speaking with him and that’s what I try to do is find logical times to be like… ok this is a reasonable time for me to reach out…. And this is a reasonable topic to talk to him about. And fuck i wish it didn’t have to be so reasonable. Why does it have to be reasonable? Nothing about my messages about him has been reasonable. I get extremely powerful messages and the Universe doesn’t behave reasonable to me… it doesn’t try to give me a cushion or padding around it. It just fully expresses full on and it’s powerful and I guess it’s because I”m ready for this full on expression and I feel resistance with him so I try to trickle my emotional expression. When we met in the jungle on a retreat trying Aya for the first time… I remember when I first saw him. We had two vans and everyone was together and we had to choose a van to go on so we can travel to the location which took hours in the van and another few hours on a boat to get to the land. Well it was our van that had to stop at the airport to pick him up. So he didn’t spend the night in the hotel where everyone met. And goodness I was so happy that I was in this van… hehe… he was extremely impressive just his physical presence. And instantly I was attracted to “him.” But I also remember thinking to myself… come on now… he’s too good for you. But once “he” entered the van and sat down… there was a mutual attraction… and it was just an initial attraction that people have, but this grew during the week we spent together. I was trying to check him out with my peripherals and try not to be too obvious… and it was surprising to notice he was trying to casually check me out as well. Hmmm… I noticed something was there. Is something there? Everyone was still trying to meet one another and so our attention was spread through out the group and the facilitators, staff and the shamans. It was all very exciting and new and holy shit we were going to be doing Ayahuasca ceremonies for crying out loud.. and I didn’t even know that we were going to be doing our first ceremony the day we arrived to the land…. Hehe… I thought maybe we’d have a day to settle in but it was like… nope you came here for ceremonies and that’s exactly what we’re going to do… hehe. There were three bungalows for four guests to stay in. It was a first come, first serve mixed gender type of arrangements. I remember walking into the middle bungalow and I didn’t know who was going to follow into this bungalow and I remember turning around and seeing who had chosen and I saw there were three others who followed right behind me and I saw him through the window. “He” was standing there looking in as if he wanted to share the same space with me but he’s a methodical thinker and this means there’s hesitation and so people are able to fill in this gap of hesitation and so he was left to stay at the third bungalow. It worked out perfectly anyway. I didn’t even sleep in the bungalow. Only one night did I stay there… every other night I slept in the Maloka… the ceremonial room. I didn’t sleep much anyway I was so energized by the experiences. But the bungalow just became a storage space and a place to change. I guess I’m going to repeat myself with the first five Aya ceremonies because they were extremely powerful and still relatively vivid in my memory. Plus if anyone hasn’t been trying to follow the crazy path I write about… I’d like to introduce you to Aya ceremonies through my experiences. I thought I was going to have to be a knight and armor up to face my demons. I had listened to peoples stories and so I thought that’s exactly what I was going to do. I had reached a breaking point and all of my personal development work seemed like nothing was helping and so I thought this is what I’m going to try… it was like a last desperate attempt to gain clarity. And in many ways I got exactly what I was wanting but in another way more questions came attached with the clarity. And I thrive on this complexity and tension of uncertainty because I’m an explorer. At this retreat we had two ceremonial rooms or two malokas. The first one is right next to the sleeping areas and the communal areas. I believe it was schedule to start the first two ceremonies here in this space and the last three ceremonies are in the secluded maloka which is away from the communal areas… deeper into the jungle. In the communal room I remember there was work being done in the ceiling. I remember the first night I could see quite a bit of the room because of the moonlight coming through the roof. Which I feel helped make us all feel more comfortable and why they design the first two ceremonies here before going into the complete darkness. Haha… that first ceremony still makes me chuckle because I didn’t know what to do… hehe… I hadn’t done this before and I remember how serious I was taking all of this. I would go into the ceremonial space in advance and do my practices to get focused and zoned in to be as ready as possible for the information I was going to experience in the ceremony. But the first time I drank… hehe I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. We all create a circle in the space. We went around in a circle and drank and returned to our spot. I was like… am I supposed to lay down? And I supposed to stay seated? Am I supposed to close my eyes? Am I supposed to keep them open? Hehe… I was waiting impatiently wondering if I was going to even know when it’s hitting me… is it starting to work yet? Hehe… it’s just funny because my approach to ceremony has shifted but it’s amusing to remember how I was behaving initially. And it’s just amusing in general all of the emotions and feelings and thoughts that pass when in this space. But yes I started to get some of the visuals people talk about. It didn’t start by completely taking over my vision there was a layer on top of what was being seen. So I could see the inside of the maloka and mostly looking up at the massive ceiling and there was a geometric pattern that was on top or possibly in between my vision and the physical maloka.. the space in between had these geometric shapes that seemed to be more of angular arrows for me at first… and there were little hints of color but it was like a line of colors moving and it created a sense of activeness or aliveness. In this setup with 12 guests, 2 facilitators, and 2 shamans… after we went around the circle to drink in the darkness the candles would be blown out and we sit in darkness. We had buckets at our mats with toilet paper and mapacho (tobacco) and water in the center. Once the shamans feel the energies as being ready… at first I didn’t feel this.. but the two shamans would have an initial Icaros they would sing before they would go to each individual. With their setup… the male shaman would start off the individual sessions. He would make his way to the first guest and sing an Icaros directly to this individual however, it doesn’t seem like it’s only for this guest.. communication works differently so even though this Icaros is directed towards this individual it also speaks to everyone in the setting in our own unique manner as well… the intelligence that takes place here is remarkable. Once the male shaman was finished he would make his way to the second guest while the female shaman would make her way to the first guest. And this is how it stayed. The male would move on to the next guest and the female would follow his path. So the guests got a back to back experience with a masculine shaman and followed by a feminine shaman. It was beautiful and very powerful. We were told that we should try our best to sit up and directly place our attention toward the shaman when they are directing their Icaros to us. They might even tap on our feet for us to know they are there and try our best to sit up and fully engage so we can get the full benefits of their Icaros. And I was definitely feeling it by the time they came to me… but exactly… once he was right in front of me and singing his Icaros the level amped up what felt like 100% if not more… it was so intense but so much what I was hoping for and wanting. And instantly I started to get my first messages. This is “family”… we can trust them… they have so much to show you and you are safe in this space. Originally I was seeing them as grandparents even though they were old enough to be my parents… but it just felt like they had ancient wisdom to share and I’m a dedicated student and this is exactly what I’ve been looking for. Almost welcoming me home to an aspect of myself that I wasn’t aware of. But has been waiting for me to be ready to share this with me. To have a predominantly masculine energy followed by a predominantly feminine energy combo was so satisfying as well. It felt balanced and so right… and natural… we are the “medicine” is what I started to get… yes we are going to use the assistance of Aya to help us learn and communicate but ultimately… we are the medicine and even at this first ceremony I knew that we were the ones who were going to have to make the changes… we are the ones who has the power to change. Aya is a tool a messenger and will powerfully influence but it’s us who has to take it to the steps of embodiment. And this was how my first introduction to shamans singing their Icaros directly towards me. I remember how humbled and honored I was for them to be sharing this with me. I am always thanking them and find myself trying to show them respect and gratitude… I mean I go to the extent of kissing their feet I’m so thankful. And I realize that my ways aren’t necessarily customary… but I want to make sure they understand I’m extremely grateful. At this first retreat I was always the fourth person in the circle. I didn’t know I was going to stay in this position and we didn’t have assigned spots but this is where I stayed especially when we got into the secluded maloka… but being so close to the beginning and still having eight more guests after me… a lot of my messages were after the shamans directed their Icaros towards my direction. But again.. communication is different in this space and even though they were with other guests… I could hear them. I could hear messages through their songs and I could even feel the guests and I wouldn’t get all the details but hints of intuition would break through and I found it interesting. It didn’t happen so much on the first ceremony but this would continue to increase through the five initial ceremonies. In this first ceremony I received messages from seven of the guests who were participating with me for the first time. I would see them it was like their busts… so a little more than their head and they were talking to me. They were talking in a very animated way with gestures at times and others were still but still talking and moving their mouths… and I was listening intently trying to hear them but none of them had audio. It was like the stereo system wasn’t plugged in and I could only see their attempt to communicate but I couldn’t hear them. Out of the seven there was “him” who came to me and he wasn’t trying to talk to me. He was shown to me as being asleep. He was sleeping restfully and wasn’t attempting to communicate. I remember his image of sleeping in between the messages of everyone who was attempting to talk to me… and I didn’t understand what any of this meant at the time. And I didn’t care during ceremony there was so many firsts that were happening that my mind wasn’t trying to make sense of it all at once. I remember there was a lovely young woman who was next to me in ceremony. I could hear her moving around and giggling… and I could hear her dancing a little and again we could barely see anyway because of the moonlight. I remember opening up my eyes and watching her. And she was sitting on her knees and swaying and giggling and all of a sudden I saw this green orb being thrown from her hands and it went flying across the room. I was like what the hell? Did I just see this? Hehe… what is going on? And I didn’t really think too much about it. It was going to be addressed the next morning when we had our share session. These were the key messages that I received in the first ceremony. This ceremony didn’t change my life in a dramatic way, but it setup the foundation for a huge breakthrough for the second ceremony, but we had the opportunity to share the next morning. I slept in the maloka and found I couldn’t sleep for long and so in the morning I started to find my morning routine while I was going to be here. I’d go onto the deck in the communal area but still out of the way a bit towards the river. This space is where we have flower baths before ceremony and I found this spot to be where I practiced my asanas and meditation. After I would finish this session I found myself wanting to swim in the river… it has a fairly strong current so it was refreshing and also had to use strength to resist the current to take our bodies away and float down river… you can let it take you a little bit but the further you went the more effort it would take to return. i love to swim and this was a welcoming addition to my morning routine. Usually by the time I was finished swimming people are starting to get up. The staff would already be up and going getting breakfast prepared and cleaning up the ceremonial spaces. The staff at this retreat was a husband and wife and their two young children. I still communicate with them. The last time I was in Peru I spent a month with them but the father was back in Iquitos working while we were in Limatambo outside of Cusco. I find myself being drawn to people over and over again… building a relationship slowly through consistency. I meet new people but I remember to visit with people I’ve already met and this has been a way I’ve learned to enjoy. I don’t always get the time to visit with everyone I wish to but when I get the opportunity I try to take full advantage because I never know when the next time will be or even if there will be a next time. The female shaman I started with… I had shared 10 ceremonies with and I was hoping to learn from her in a deeper manner. The third time I went to Peru I was going to go to their village and work in their center and she didn’t make the trip. She passed and I was able to share moments with her before she did and she didn’t mention anything about not feeling well. I noticed she had lost weight but I didn’t know anything was wrong. She picked me up at the airport and we went to the market and shopped together. We didn’t spend too much time because we were going to be meeting up in her village in a month and I was exploring with friends and wanted to share ceremony with new shamans before returning to my original shamans. But yes it was a shock to lose her so soon in this shamana journey. I’m thankful I was able to help ship her body back to the village… well actually to the nearest city which is where she was buried. No one was prepared so they were desperate to find a way to get her body back and fortunately I was able to have the funds to do this for them. But yeah… you never really know when it’s your last meeting with someone. I’ve been honored to be both of my dad’s parent’s hospice nurse.. and this has been the setting that was obvious I was spending my last moments with them in this body before they transition… and it was life changing and again an honor for me to be with them in this time and be able to share and give my love and affection in these moments. But many times we don’t get the heads up before it’s time to pass. Breakfast was always served at the same time at the retreat. I remember how weird it was for me to sit and be waited on… I mean I understand that this was a service to us and we had paid for this, but for some reason it felt unusual to do this… and shortly into the experience I would help serve and I’d help clean up to the extent that the staff would allow me. They also wanted to serve us and understood I wanted to help as well but would only let me do it to a small extent. But I would continue to try and they’d allow me to… haha… I wasn’t really asking permission I was just doing it. But we all prepare our diets for participating in Aya ceremonies. It’s common to adjust our diets and to eat cleaner to be better ready. People suggest doing it a week or so before coming and I started months in advance… Ha this reminds me of being on the airplane heading to Peru for the first time. Goodness I remember I missed my flight in Miami. Our flight was delayed and by the time I was in the gigantic Miami airport I was running trying to get to the terminal on time but I didn’t make it and I was freaking out… hehe… I was bawling and thought I missed my opportunity and hadn’t worked much with airlines to get another flight. But yes it worked out… I had to stay around an extra 12 hours at the airport before my next flight. It just happened to be I was sitting in the same row with another participant at the Aya retreat. He even stood out to me… he was wearing a shirt that made me think… hmmm I wonder if he’s going to an Aya retreat? I didn’t ask him and by this time we didn’t know we were going to be sitting in the same row. Everyone boarded and things were normal and even though he sat in my same row I wasn’t really think much about it until it came time to serve us food. Haha… our entire row the three of us all had quirks about our meals. He completely didn’t eat anything, the woman in between us had a special meal because of her dietary needs. And I had brought my own food to eat and we all started laughing at how funny this was and how unusual it was and the woman asked him why he wasn’t going to eat. And he started talking about him going to an Aya retreat and he’s on a strict diet… I leaned forward and asked are you going to Gaia? And hes’ like yes I am… I chuckled and said I’m going there too so I guess we’ll be getting to know one another at a whole ‘nother level soon… we both chuckled. I said I had to bring my own food because I couldn’t make this entire journey without eating.. hehe. I actually met another guest at the next airport too. The guest who met on this flight had different flights so we talked at the airport until he had to depart. And I didn’t meet the second guest on the airplane…we met at the baggage claim area. Thankfully he had arranged for a ride and he could speak Spanish. So it was actually all perfect that I missed my original flight. I was able to meet guests on this route…. And I found the guest who was going to get me to my hotel safely without me knowing the language. We were able to share our histories and start building a bond… He had a wife and two sons… he’s from the UK but had dreams of living on the mountain-side of Spain. I try my best to keep track of the original 12 and he’s been one that’s been hard to keep track of. After the pandemic when his family got stuck on the west side of Australia he mentioned that he was going to get off social media and I haven’t been able to communicate since. I have his email and so I’m not going to give up on him, but yeah… I feel like I’m being very nostalgic at this time. But where was I? I was trying to say how we are served fresh fruit for breakfast and each morning the fruit’s flavor would amplify and enhance and its was orgasmic at times eating the fruit. I’ve said this plenty of times but this is probably one of the best moments I experience is using my hands to bite into juicy fruit and the juices run down my chin… this right here is hard to top in my book… hehe… and yes each morning after a night of ceremony we’d have the opportunity to each fresh fruit for breakfast along with oats and stuff but the fruits would hit a chord for me personally… hehe. I remember thinking that we’re here in the jungle and we’re getting fed fruits that we would normally eat… hehe… at times we’d get fruit right off the land which were unusual but the best. That’s what i was hoping for was exotic fruits but again I understand the reasoning of normalizing an unusual experience. Now I’ve been introduced to so many fruits it’s like… when I’m in Peru… and in the Amazon… I want to eat local fruits here… I can get regular fruits anytime… but there are so many unique fruits here that I got to take advantage while I can. Oh my goodness… heheh… I think most of the day is going to be dedicated to nostalgia it seems. It’s probably good to take a little break from the coding maybe… we’ll see. But I’m getting hungry talking about fruits… I ate all of mine this past week so I’ll find something else but yeah I’m going to take a break for a minute and see how I approach this journal attempt. Seems like I’m setting up quite a bit of history before I go into details about this man… and I’m ok to see where I have to go to be able to express myself. It’s already @2:47pm… geesh over two hours of flow writing. Ok… it’s @6:26pm and I just got up from a nap… I feel wiped out. And my sleep schedule has been so random lately. I wanted to take a break from writing and took a lunch break and was excited to see my dad making gumbo for dinner tonight. I love his gumbo… that’s truly one dish that I crave when I’m traveling around. He’s making a seafood and mushroom gumbo and it’s almost time to eat, but I’ll go ahead and try to continue. After breakfast we end up creating a share circle where we tell how our ceremonies went… it helps us express and remember regardless of how challenging this might be. And our original 12 were actually really good at sharing. I remember the facilitators mentioning this near the end of the retreat. They usually have to work a bit to get people to express and share but our group seemed to do this quite naturally. I remember when it was my time to share I tried my best to remember everything and I really emphasized my main messages of feeling like I found family and they’ll be sharing themselves to assist me to understand myself better. And we are ultimately the medicine. The thing I didn’t mention was to let the group know that I had visions of most of them talking to me but me not being able to hear what they were saying. I didn’t want to freak anyone out. I was told this was supposed to be a very personal journey and so it was confusing when I started to receive messages about the people I met within a day or two. I decided to wait until after the share session and went to visit the facilitators on my own to ask them about this. I told them that I didn’t want to freak anyone out but I wanted to know if this was a common thing. And they said that it was normal to have messages about the people who are in ceremony. I remember the male facilitator saying that there was no coincidence you all decided to come together at this time and to share this experience together. We all attracted one another. It made me feel better about having this experience and I’m glad I got a form of validation that everything is fine… hehe… I also asked them if its possible to go ahead and not wait to go to the back secluded ceremonial room. Can we go ahead and go there tonight and not wait. They said that they don’t see it being an issue but they’ll check with the shamans and the staff and see what they can do. We did have ceremony in the black out maloka but I did want to mention that during the share session we did talk about the girl dancing and throwing the green orb across the room…. Hehe… She was talking about it. And I had to chime in saying that I was watching her… and I don’t even think she saw the green energy ball but I told her that I saw it being thrown across the room. And I told her I saw her moving and dancing and laughing but I didn’t understand the details. She started replaying what she was doing right before she threw the energy around… and all of a sudden one of the guys who was sharing ceremony with us he said… oh my goodness… I think that energy ball hit me because out of nowhere I started to do this dance and had no clue what was going on. So she was doing a dance with her hand in front of her forehead and was a young childish motion and I guess when she threw the orb across the room it hit him and he started instantly doing the same move but he also didn’t see the energy ball hit him.. it just did and he started doing the move… hehe.. he said that makes more sense now but during the ceremony he didn’t understand what was going on. I was chuckling and couldn’t believe this was a possibility. And I remember that the male facilitator also spoke up and said please… if you need to release energy do not direct it into the circle… send it out into the jungle and out of the space. Hehe… I guess this happens and fairly normal in this space. Interesting… again this wasn’t life changing for me. And I was an atheist when I arrived and this didn’t change my views… but everything was seeding me to have a shift. I don’t remember all of the down time… there are some moments that I remember but many times I was by myself journaling or drawing trying to remember everything. We had days where we were going to be doing kambo for a physical cleanse. And we had a day hike in the jungle and a plan to visit a neighboring village and a night walk in the jungle too. So there were events planned and i participated in all of these.. and I did find myself socializing with everyone getting to know one another more. But I remember distinctly how I kept some distance from “him”… I would continue to get messages about him and I was wondering who the hell is this man? And why am I getting so many messages about him? And why am I so excited to see him? So my approach was to observe him at the beginning. We would eventually make our way together and actually connect deeper through conversations. But I remember having this buffer zone at the beginning. But we were preparing for our second ceremony. I had no clue what was going to happen. But that first ceremony gave me a better understanding that the people I’m with and the shamans who are leading us… it’s safe and I’m here to learn and I was going to go in and completely surrender to this fully. I show up early like normal. I found a drawing on the floor where someone had drawn a sun and it was covered by the mat location… but I found it and knew I wanted to choose this location. I was the first to arrive so it was easy for me to choose this location each time. I’d do my meditative practices and breath work along with a few asanas… I really loved started with the fire gazing meditations while I was here. Before I would finish people would start to arrive and we’d share some techniques and by the time the facilitators arrived they would guide the entire group in group meditations and would switch it up each time. But I really enjoyed having my own routine and getting there early enough to do it, and then still have time to learn new practices. And so the second ceremony began. It wasn’t quite the same as the first time I drank. This time I didn’t spend much time wondering what I should be doing and was more relaxed. I found myself just laying down and relaxing until it started to kick in. I guess I haven’t expressed the purging process but there is a ceremony where I really focus on this so I figured I’d wait until then. But purging is going on all the time and we literally hear people purging… hehe… you get acclimated to this fairly easy. Well I did at least. But as I was laying there I started to hear the Icaros starting up. And this time my body was more present. I started dancing but it was a gradual process because at first i was questioning if I should be doing this or not… hehe… I remember really feeling connected to the female Icaros this night. When she was singing I would find my shoulders at first moving and shaking and really getting into it… and as i’m laying down I can just feel my body wanting to respond to the Icaros… and so eventually I stopped trying to resist… the magic of the blackout room… no one can see you anyway so why not… and so my arms started to go and then my torso and I get to my knees. And I find myself dancing and trying to sing along. It’s challenging trying to piece everything in a timeline and try to mention things so people can follow along. I have a perspective of being comfortable in this space now but I also try to remember how unusual it was at the beginning at times. So before I started to really get into the dance there was a part of me thinking that I was getting possessed by Aya or Gaia… something was taking over my body and this actually helped me surrender even deeper. And allowed me to move in ways that I might not do outside of ceremony. But through out this session I started to really feel the communication from the shamans and also the guests. It was like I knew where everyone was in the room it didn’t matter if it was pitch black. I remembered where everyone laid down and listening and feeling the shamans I knew who the male shaman was working on and I knew who the female shaman was working on too. It was a dance and it was so exhilarating… especially dancing and humming along with the Icaros. I would feel when the shamans wanted a bit more assistance and so I’d send my energy towards them and help support… when I heard the guests wanting support I’d be their cheerleader supporting them and encouraging them and sending my love and continue to remind everyone that we have the power to work on our stuff… whatever it was… we are here to work and we can do this… and the time is now.. We have the perfect setting to focus on us. The people I was supporting were the same people who were visiting me on the first ceremony. i didn’t have to know what they were working on… I was going to support them anyway. The Icaros change and transition with each person and they vary and that’s how it seemed when I was sending energy as well. I remember when the male shamans was making way to one of the guys there and I felt morphing into a lion… I could just think lion heart but I was transforming into a lion and making sounds I hadn’t heard coming out of my body and I remember taking down my hair and letting my mane go wild.. and again even though in a way this was new to me… in another way it felt known and normal. A few animals came up tonight while I was working with the shamans and the guests. But most of the transformation happens after the shamans made their rounds. But oh my goodness… when the female shaman was with “him”… holy shit! My body was at its peak excitement and dancing and giggling and seducing myself with pleasure and desire. There is no way for me to explain what happened to me but it was a recognition of “something”. A recognition of a partner who I’ve been searching for but didn’t think existed and yet here in ceremony was allowing me to understand… this type of partnership does exist… and he’s right here and you’re getting your chance to be introduced to him right now. Ha… I remember the UK guest was next to me this time in the second ceremony and I remember him mentioning how it was challenging for him to be next to me. He said he loved it because my energy is out of this world, but when I was reacting to “him” and he could hear me in this ecstatic state it was hard for him to not get excited as well. It was challenging for him to keep his focus on his own work and I was drawing him into this state of mind and he admitted it was very attractive and as much as he loves his wife it was challenging not to get aroused by hearing me responding to the “him”. We chuckled about it. I told him I had a moment where my attention was directly at him. It was in the time after the shamans made their rounds and I could feel his heart. I was extending my hand over his heart in the darkness and I could feel it growing more and more and I felt my body mimicking a heart beat and expanding and growing. He felt like he was opening up more as well and in a way he liked the validation of me recognizing this in him. So… I’ll go back to the moment where my life really changed. This entire ceremony was life-changing but there was a moment where it truly hit home. The male shaman finished with the last guest and he was making his way to his mat. The female shaman was finishing up with her guest and she would be making her way to the last guy. And I’m fully energized and lit up. I’m sitting and rocking back and forth… I couldn’t stay on my mat any longer and I was drawn to go over there with her and with him, the last guest. It was pitch black and my vision hadn’t switched by this time… and so I don’t know how I did this but I carefully moved over across the room and avoided running into the table in the middle and the post in the center. I stayed crossed legged and I scooted across the room silently and made my way behind the female shaman. I was rocking back and forth ready for whatever was going to happen and yet patiently waiting for her initiation. And at this time I thought the shamans knew I was there. I found out the next day they were surprised at what had happened. No one knew I was there and finally when it came time for the female shaman to sing… I was singing her Icaros in the Shipibo language as if we’ve been practicing for years and singing together as natural and harmonious as it was. Again… there are several Icaros and they vary all depending on the energies… but from the instant she started singing I was singing exactly beside her and complimented every word. In ceremony I remember all the love I felt to be able to share this Icaros with her and towards our guest. I don’t remember how long we sang but it was beautiful and I remember when we finished the facilitators were already there behind me and helping me to my feet and ready to escort me back to my mat. This would not be the last time for them to escort me to my “place”… hehe… when I was getting up I felt the guest having a humming bird spirit and I started to flutter and chirp as a humming bird. There was silence that clung in the air for more than half the ceremony. Just because the shamans have made their rounds does not mean the ceremony ends. We have more hours to work on ourselves and work on the energies. So in this ceremony… I wasn’t done in this possessed state of Aya or Gaia… it was like I was just getting warmed up… hehe… I got back and was trying to relax. I remember when I was feeling his growing heart and I started to move as a beating increasing heart… I ended up on my knees and balled up and pulsing… and growing… I remember I felt like I became like a lizard and I was crawling until I hit the wall and turned back into the center and made my way to the mat and then I balled up again and became a seed. The seed started to grow into a tree and I was standing up swaying and blowing in the wind and had my branches out swaying and sending all of my love and support and energy to everyone in this room. And then I became a blowing seed and started floating around the circle again spreading all of my love and support and energy and how grateful I am to meet everyone. Yes I was prancing around the circle and it’s would be the second time the facilitators had to assist me back but they took me outside this time. Tried to get me some fresh air and settle my energies. I was thankful for their help and I remember I was like… Ok, Tara… be normal… everything is fine… be normal and walk normal… hehe… I remember walking back being escorted by the facilitators and I was “trying to walk-normal” and someone had a flash light and I remember one of the girls say “hoooolllyyyy-shiiiiiitttt”… LOL… I can remember how challenging it was for me to walk normally and with this kind of response I knew I wasn’t doing a good job at normal…hehe… I wound down once I got out in the fresh air and relaxed… finally when the energy rests the shamans close the ceremony. I was seeing the structure of how ceremony was laid out.. but I didn’t feel this energy shift until the last ceremony the fifth ceremony. But this was only the second ceremony and I was able to rest a little afterwards in this maloka. Most people would return to their bungalows to rest, but there were three of us who usually stayed and slept in the ceremonial space….me and two girls who were best friends. It felt so fitting to sleep in this space… and amazing space to hold such powerful ceremonies and so holding space to rest just fits. Each morning I would do my routine of asanas and swimming and breakfast and each morning it felt like I was more aware and more sensitive and continued to be glowing with how much joy I was feeling from each ceremony… hehe… I remember also saying this was the best one… and I just kept saying this every time… this was the best one… hehe… and I now understand that being surprised is just what happens to where it’s not really surprising anymore…hehe.. I don’t know how to explain this. But it came to the share circle… and this time the shamans were scheduled to join us because we were going to have time to ask them questions and we were to share our intention with them today and this was the only share circles they were to join us. But the facilitators started out by addressing what I did in ceremony. I mean I knew it was far beyond my imagination that I was going to be able to sing Shipibo Icaros after hearing it for the first time the night before in our first ceremony. But this was also new to me and if the facilitators were ok with energy balls being tossed about in ceremonies… that I figured me singing Icaros was just something that just happens. But I found out through their reactions of the facilitators that this isn’t something that usually happens. In fact they were asking the shamans how in the hell did she do that last night? As long as they have been working with shamans… they hadn’t seen a guest be able to do this. And they were amazed by it as well. Watching them made me understand that this was a little unsettling for them to witness. But the female shaman responded and she said that this is what happens when a guest fully surrenders to the medicine. The impossible becomes possible. She trusts fully and so she can experience fully. There has been one other guest she has shared ceremony with that was able to sing with her before. So there has been two of her I don’t know how many guests she’s had but two have been drawn to sing with her. The second ceremony that was my breakthrough moment… this is when my label as an atheist dissolved… I didn’t know what to call it but I knew there was something far beyond my human understanding and it exists and it communicates and is present regardless if I can see it or not. And it didn’t change me into a believer… because I was experiencing it directly… and it wasn’t like the stories I had heard of Aya of visions communication. I was a kinetic learner and I was doing the messages and was learning through action. Right I wasn’t visualizing singing Icaros with her… everyone in the room heard us singing together. The male shaman complimented me and said I sang beautifully and he was surprised to hear a second voice. But it was a welcomed surprise. We all had time to talk with the shamans before they left and we shared and I remember a few questions mostly about how they would interpret someone’s visions… hehe I giggled a bit when the guy who was on the airplane with me started talking about aliens and the shamans had no reference with this… and I remember I wanted to ask a question and I asked them how they met. And it was such an honest moment of pure childlike embarrassment and transparency. It hit home and it was unexpected for them to hear the question and they both started giggling… it was awesome! He looked at her side-eyed and she bubbled up and took the lead to answer the question. She said the first time they met was at a bar. He was getting sloppy drunk and she had to help him home… hehe… I had been watching my response as I observed the shamans as well. I had such a fantastical idea of who they were and they became more humanized to me and even though I have high respect for the work they share… I also related to them as a person as well. I think subconsciously I was preparing myself to step into this role as well in the near future and every little detail was seeding a future I had no clue I was going to be traveling down. When I share in the group circles I get really passionate… and after this ceremony, there’s no way for me to hold myself in these sharing moments it seems… again thinking at the time I was being possessed but understanding now that this wasn’t a possession at all. It was my authentic Self showing me who I really am. And trying to explain how I was able to sing with her… began at the beginning dancing with her and humming with her and just felt like I had to be right next to her at the last guest was just something I knew I was supposed to do but I didn’t know I was actually going to be singing with her. I just knew I was supposed to be there and I was ready to do whatever I needed to… to support her. And I guess at this time it was to sing with her. I went through all the transformation from all the animals and telling the guests what animals I was called to with them and in this passionate explanation I couldn’t help myself but I had to mention my sexual attraction towards “him” but I didn’t stay long and I was trying to do it in a way that wasn’t obvious… I guestured towards him without looking and I didn’t know if he was even paying attention. Well I found out he definitely was paying attention and was surprised by my honesty and vulnerability. When I said this he even looked around and was questioning if he heard what he heard and if I was actually saying she had sexual frustration and attraction towards him… hehe… when we started to talk directly we were able to express things. But nothing was going to be the same after this ceremony. And I was welcoming this change… this was what I was wanting out of my life… and I found an avenue to guide me. I’m trying to keep the timeline straight but it’s a bit foggy when we had kambo sessions but I remember how clean I felt and how strong I felt after the session so I feel it was after the second ceremony and before the third. Kambo is a purifying ceremony that deals with the kambo frog. The jungle man came and gave us the kambo and he is also the owner of the land and was the one who took us on the day hike and night hike and to the village and to swim with the dolphins and play in the mud on a beach… so yes I think it was after the share session we were able to go to the shamans and have our alone time to express our intentions with them. I have to laugh at myself because I had to talk to the facilitators again and explain that I brought a book of intentions… hehe… I have been writing so much at what I wanted to work on and they laughed at me and said I should focus on one intention and go with this as what I should mention to the shamans… and so when it was my turn… i decided to focus on the intention and desire to balance my masculine and feminine energies. At this time I thought I was too much on my masculine side. I had been raised with a father and a brother who were males but were more on the sensitive side of males. They weren’t feminine really but sensitive is how I can explain it. They didn’t embrace making decisions and I felt like I had to step into this role at a young age because I felt someone has to make decisions so things can be done around here. And it wasn’t really a position I wanted to step into being the youngest but it was a position that needed to be filled. I remember trying to explain this to them and they being able to receive this and they would be able to help me with this during our next ceremony. I just didn’t realize how easy it was to address in ceremony. I literally found myself laughing at myself… It was so very comical for me to not see how balanced I was in my masculine and feminine. It was just so obvious to me in this state to see how oblivious I was outside of this state. And it was also obvious this isn’t something for me to be concerned about. And for the most part i don’t get concerned but I have to admit it still comes up from time to time. And mostly when I’m trying to understand my relationship with “him”. I mean we’ve shared intimate moments where it is quite clear he is the divine masculine and I the divine feminine, but this isn’t always the case. I play the masculine role having to reach out first. If anyone is familiar with the twin flame dynamic.. I’ve been the chaser and he the runner. And i don’t want to be the chaser anymore. I want to stop this dynamic of running and chasing. I just want a mutual desire to engage and be curious to get to understand who we are right now. Not who we use to be but who we’ve grown to be. And start right here, but I understand how the past and memories plays a part on us and this will be a challenge we’ll have to overcome in a way. And we’re actively working on this… I understand this hurdle. But kambo is the secretion from the frog that is actually a toxin to humans. But in small doses it acts as a cleanser… a deep cleanser where we purge the bile buildup in our digestive tract and cleanses our entire system. The first time I did this was the only time it was truly effective for me. I think it’s because of the jungle man as the guide. I’ve only had him guid me on the first time and anyone else who has tried to give me kambo wasn’t successful. But It was crazy.. hehe… it hits fast and it hits hard and I was in the bathroom with a bucket on my lap and everything was spewing out of me. In the moment it’s miserable… but when we’re in the shower afterwards the body is so relieved to get all of the shit out of our system and I felt like I was superwoman. I felt like a million bucks and it was amazing. We went on the day hike and everything was far more vivid and alive being cleansed but i also feel like it was a combination of kambo and Aya… because Aya was already doing this…I find Aya has been my replacement of kambo to cleansing… but it just seems more amplified having kambo clear out more. During this hike is when we found each other and started to not avoid conversations any longer. “He” found his way to me and we started to chat. He is a very tall man.. I joke he’s a giant… I say a gentle giant but I’m sure many men would not use the same description. He used to do martial arts and I’m sure he can be quite fierce as well. But I haven’t seen this part of him. I remember chuckling at watching him maneuver his body in the jungle. Again it wasn’t like he wasn’t graceful but he just had a lot of body to work with… hehe.. I feel like he was trying to get under a fallen tree and me trying to help him not scrape his back but I feel he did anyway. He’s into herbs and botany and so he was enjoying learning about the different plants and their uses. As we were hiking along there were a few of us who ended up bumping into a type of bee that didn’t want to sting you, but they wanted to burrow their bodies into you… heheh.. I had them all over my hair and I was frantically trying to get them off of me but I also remember finding this all to be very comical. The jungle man was laughing at us and was telling us there is a legend that the bees were a sign of good luck and assisted in fertility. I wonder what kind of ritual would happen in using these bees to help with fertility… because all I knew was how much I wanted them to stop burrowing into my scalp… hehe. After the hike we ended up at the river where we had a long boat waiting for us to take a boat ride to the village but before we got there… we made a pit stop. And this was the first time I had a one on one experience with monkeys… and I’ll never forget this. Most of us had our cameras out recording everything… and the jungle man was calling to the monkeys and we could see them climbing and swinging from the branches following us and getting ahead of us. I was happy to capture this on video with just them swinging on the trees but we ended up parking up on the bank and everyone started to get excited and I feel like I didn’t realize that the monkeys were going to join us on the boat. The jungle man started passing out bananas to feed them and here they come crawling all over us and one coming and sat right on my lap… oh my goodness it was a magical moment. i was recording but also petting and feeding them.. I found myself wanting to record “him” during this moment and I noticed him wanting to do the same for me… but not in a too obvious manner. I’ve watched my footage often through out the years and it still gives me tingles of joy. We went to the village and met some of the villagers and the kiddos and a sloth and a few more monkeys… drank coconut water after attempting to use a machete to split it open… hehe… we were on a boat ride and the jungle man said we can take a dip and try to call the pink dolphins to swim with us. Most of us didn’t have swim suits but I remember looking at “him” and both having that look like… are you going? And then at almost the same time we plunge into the water in sync. At this time I thought I would be able to call the dolphins to come and join us but they kept their distance. We banked on the beach and took a stroll. I found catfish hip bones but I didn’t know it at the time. I found three of them and brought it back with me to give to the female shaman for her to use in her jewelry making. I guess I didn’t make it clear that I was just giving her supplies for her to use whenever, because she ended up making necklaces out of them and gave them to me. I was surprised and thankful… and I knew I was going to keep one and give one to “him” but we would need to make the body of the necklace longer to fit him. It was funny remembering me to attempt to tell her this without speaking the language. I was trying to be secretive so he didn’t know what we were doing, but I was pointing at him and trying to get her to understand that I wanted him to have the necklace so we have to make it longer. She understood and did the adjustments for me. I ended up giving the third necklace to the last guest that she and I were singing to. Out of all of the original twelve we’ve been hanging out and keeping in touch much more than anyone. But I try to make my rounds or at least try to message everyone. But I feel kambo helped setup the third ceremony. This ceremony was unexpected and powerful for me. I’ve tried to explain that even though I”m part Samoan… I wasn’t raised in the Samoan culture only when I was young. I learned to walk and talk on the island… and I’ve been influenced greatly due to this, but for most of my life I wasn’t in this culture. But this third ceremony got me to connect to this part of me. There’s a dance called the sa’sa’ dance which is a slap dance where we use our bodies as instruments. It’s normally done in a group setting and we dance but while dancing we are synchronized in creating the rhythm…along side drummers. But I had a chance to do this visiting the village when I was in high school. But in this ceremony I became a one-woman band is how the facilitator tried to describe it. He ended up drawing an image of me and he was trying to capture how he heard me that night and how he heard me impossibly snapping rhythms so fast that he wouldn’t believe it unless he was present in the ceremony and as a facilitator he didn’t drink so he was sober and listening. But this ceremony I wasn’t really getting messages individually. I was just focusing my energies in sharing my energy and support for the entire collective in a different form. So I wasn’t being called by the shamans and I wasn’t hearing the pull from any guest… I was just in the sa’sa’ dance of support. And it was like I had an energizer bunny worth of energy that just kept going and going. i feel like this actually might have been the first time I understood the energy. I didn’t really feel it like I did on fifth ceremony but I felt the silence and rest settling and I remember I still had so much energy but I just did it very softly and finally I quit but it was very interesting in this state and I was chanting and playing my body and the floor around me and created different rhythms and sounds. During the share session I got a confirmation from the guests that they thought they heard insects… and I was thinking the same thing when I was playing the floor at times. It’s so interesting how everything supports ceremony… every insect, every bird and animal… the weather the land the space the people the everything plays its part in the magic of ceremony. People started to joke about wanting to have their chance to sit next to me during ceremony because everyone was commenting on being next to me. I don’t really understand this because I’m with my energy all the time… i’m too close to this and so I’m not sure what people feel around me, but it’s a common occurrence for people to tell me this. Usually I hear this when I’m dancing with people… which says a lot because many of the people I dance with dance with hundreds if not thousands… and I guess my energy stands out. “He” was making his way closer and closer to me during ceremony on the fourth ceremony he only had one person in between us. I said it might be pretty dangerous for him to be next to me in ceremony. We both chuckled and he said that he likes a little danger in his life… and i was like ok… that’s what you say… hehe. But the fourth ceremony was my internal ceremony. I finally went into my chrysalis and was purging for the most part. This is what I was expecting when I came here… an internal journey where no one in the room was influencing me during the ceremony… and I did feel like I was a caterpillar going into my chrysalis… or I was a snake shedding or molting my skin. I can’t remember all the messages but I remember how I was getting messages on my digestive track. I need to start focusing on my eating habits. It was like I was in a swamp… it wasn’t a fun place to be and this was just the start with my relationship to food messages. I had plenty of messages to work on but I was surprised that observing my eating was one of the main tools to help me increase my awareness. It’s hard to explain but when we get repetitive messages during ceremony we just know or understand that this message is what we are going to be focusing on at this time. So I’ve done 48 Aya ceremonies now and this lesson of eating and relationship between food has been developing this entire time. Even when I have people recommend diets for me to prepare… I respect their wishes but ultimately I listen to my own messages. And the last message… well actually it wasn’t my last message because the last message I had about food was to take on an all fruit diet but on a temporary basis. But the one I’m taking about was during my three month master plant dieta and there are spaces where it transitions from one message to another… and before I started to get any visuals I knew we were about to address food. So all of a sudden there was an ameba glowing glob thing in front of me which was rolling around and rotating quickly and I started to understand that it was going to give me a visual of foods I need to avoid at this time… a menu of sorts and I was watching intently and all of a sudden it just disappeared and it was a blank slate again. And this spoke to me in a very quick manner… I don’t have any restrictions anymore. I’ve gained enough awareness in my relationship with food and so I can make my own decisions and listen to myself whether I should continue to eat something or not. This is also what happens when I get messages of “him”… I get them so often that I just understand that it’s time to address him right now and its just understood and I get messages. It was also interesting having three months of ceremonies with one person and I get so many messages about “him” that my shaman would notice when I was getting messages about him. He would try to get me to focus on him instead of “him”… and I would respect him and find time when I can focus on “him” when I wasn’t already in the middle of a message. Yes… in the 48 times of drinking Aya… i’d have to say 40 of them I will have messages regarding “him”. I’m not saying the entire ceremony is focused on him, but there is so much that happens in ceremony but he will be a lesson that consistently gets brought up. People wonder why i can have such strong feelings for “him” with what we’ve gone through… but none who ask me these questions understands ceremony and the power of communicating to the Universe in this manner. I learned at the very beginning that I was in a space that was far beyond my understanding so having intention and direction to where the lessons were going to go… I decided was not my place. I was there to learn and wherever the Universe wanted to direct my lessons… I follow. Only in the last sessions when I started to lead did I start to get lessons of placing my own intention into Aya to receive direct messages and this wasn’t involving “him”… it was using Aya to find something in the land and Aya being able to communicate how to find this. That’s one of the things I’m preparing myself for before I return. One of the lesson I want to integrate before diving back into Aya ceremonies. I understand my relationship with Aya… It guides me but I have to take the time to integrate before returning and I received a lot this last time because I did several ceremonies. As much as I want to return, I know there’s one more integration I want to have under my belt before I return and that’s to visit Nepal before I go back. And I don’t know when I’ll make it to Nepal. But to my understanding I can go back to the jungle once I’m back from my visit in the Himalayas.. But we’re getting to the last session of the first retreat and I’m feeling resistance. This fifth ceremony was powerful too and what happened afterwards has been something I’ve treasured for all these years of memories. During the last ceremony… “he” finally sat next to me and so we finished our round of Aya together and it was a wild time for me. It was intense and I was overcome by his presence and I was serenading and seducing him and teasing and pleasing him with my energy. It was a blast and I asked him if he could hear me…. because I could hear him and I was talking back to him and I wanted him to hear me but it seems he couldn’t. I’m going to try not to go into details but also express myself. I’m sure I’ll have a round about way of explaining because I didn’t realize I was going to go through all of the ceremonies. So I want to try to tie up any loose ends. Now I say it was wild but that was only for part of the ceremony… a lot of the ceremony was peaceful… it was like everyone gave it their all this week and we were in a state of resolve. I believe in this ceremony me and one of the guests started singing a lullaby for everyone. We were across the room for one another but we were singing a sweet lullaby. This is the ceremony where I felt the pressure drop and I knew it was the end of ceremony. I remember sitting up and looking around. My eyesight was getting use to the darkness but I was observing the shaman and I can tell he was trying to get the attention of the facilitator. He was shaking his stuff and he was clearing his throat. I was looking over at the facilitator and I didn’t see any movement. I started to listen and I could hear him sleeping. I was trying to make noise as well to get his attention and nothing was helping so I used my flashlight to signal the new female facilitator to come and talk to me. And it worked… she came over and I told her what was going on. I told her ceremony is over and the shaman is trying to signal to the male facilitator but he’s over there sleeping. She didn’t believe me and told me just to wait until the ceremony is over. I was trying to explain that the shamans have worked really hard and they need their rest. But again she blew me off and went and sat down. Once she sat down the male shaman started to make his way up to standing and shuffled across the room slowly… and he started to shake the facilitator awake. They spoke briefly and then the facilitator went to the center and started to light the candles and officially announce the end of ceremony. But he also was telling us that the shamans were going to be leaving early and we will not see them again at this retreat and they wanted to tell us how grateful they were to work with us all this week. I instantly got up and went over to give them huge hugs and to thank them personally for all they shared with us. Once people understood what I was doing everyone came up to give them loving and gratitude. it was a special moment and the male facilitator said he hadn’t seen that happen before. We were a really unique group. Finally the shamans made their way out and everyone followed… I remained… and surprisingly “he” remained, but the other two girls who usually stay remained as well… and I was lying there asking them to let us have some alone time. I wasn’t actually saying this aloud but I was thinking this… and shortly after we heard them leave. We were alone in the Maloka and we were left in complete silence with candles burning. I couldn’t help myself but I got up and moved my mat next to his. He was turned away and when I laid down I turned away as well. I didn’t know if he would accept my invitation and I didn’t say a word. I just laid there hoping. And all of a sudden I feel his giant arms wrap around me and pull me into his side and I turned to him and… bliss…. We all had one more night at the land before we headed back and it happened to be Halloween. So some of us were trying to make costumes out of leaves and flowers. They prepare a huge feast for our last night where they serve us meat. I’m giggling right now because I chose fish and he was sitting next to me and I was starving for fish… heheh… he was commenting on my intensity for the fish… and I said keep your fingers back right now because nothing is going to stop me from devouring this fish right now and then… and I don’t want anyone to get hurt… hehe… But our attraction to one another was getting more obvious for the other guests… I could see the two girls who usually share the maloka with me giggling at us. One of them had visions of us two together and knew we were going to get close during the week. I mean she randomly said during a share circle that she had visions of some of the guests and if we wanted to talk to her about it to come and talk. But I had no clue she was talking about us… hehe… she didn’t tell me until we were back in the city. She said that she had a vision of a caduceus, but the two snakes wrapping around each other moving up the staff was “he” and I. She saw it as a symbol of two powerful healers working together to bring peace. She also had another vision with her and I building a green temple together. I still think about her visions and looking forward to working with her again. But this was our beginning introduction. He had already planned a trip in the Sacred Valley so he got dropped off at the airport and I went with him along with the male facilitator. I wanted to spend more time with him as he waited but the male facilitator had a girlfriend waiting on him so he was in a hurry to leave and I wasn’t comfortable traveling alone without speaking the language so I left before I spent too much time with him. And I was getting some powerful messages and I trusted that this wasn’t going to be our last time… it was only our beginning. I didn’t understand how to travel either and so I was leaving back to the States the following day too. We kept in contact through email at first. He wasn’t active on any social media platforms at the time. And once I got back to the day to day grind I knew I wasn’t going to be doing this much longer and I needed to change things up. I wanted to remove as many distractions in my life and focus on integrating the messages. Within the first month we planned on getting together in Australia in February. I’d be able to celebrate my birthday which was exciting. And I had a trip planned to visit the two girls in Utah in January and visit Colorado for the first time. When I went to Colorado it was a small village tucked next to the Rocky Mountains and in the winter it’s completely quiet and I found myself riding snowmobiles on a lake surrounded by mountains and calling my dad and telling him that this is it… I’m going to be moving out here. I assumed it was always a quiet little village year round… but that wasn’t the case but that also allowed me to find odd jobs to make enough money to travel. Employers really only need help through the summer so it worked out that I could leave for the fall and winter and no one would mind. It was exactly what I was looking for at the time. Geesh… well it’s @1:34am and I’m not even close to getting to where I thought I was going to be at, but there is so much content so I’ll go ahead and post and see if I can reel in my nostalgia a bit and get to the point next time.

@Bobby_2021 @Oppositionless @gengar @kavaris Thanks Soul Fam for sharing some insights - Personally I've been listening to NDE reports about suicide attempts or general deaths, and honestly it is quite interesting ... I mean there does seem to be slight differences amongst stories - Although the same gist of things accross cultures even ... Sometimes I hear that a person may enter a hell realm on death but the moment they begin say praying to God or Jesus, then immediately a mirror reflection in the spiritual realm will reflect the divine heavenly bliss realms which is apparently the natural way of being for spirits ... Which is believable, it makes sense why the majority would prefer Heavenly states naturally over the hell realms, so I suppose it shouldn't be difficult to maintain unconditional love. Anymore insight feel free to add them in and I'll continue responding over time - Thanks again!

@Verg0 I like the helicopter/ mountain climb analogy. once you get the glimpse and maybe a couple of other realisations and insights about how the reality is created, there is no need or purpose to go into that state or chase that state again while trying to master or experience being a human ( or any other form). The experience is the climb and taking in all the smaller experiences along the way. Enjoying exploring the things you come across ( and getting to know them/ discover them or dare I say creating them as you attach a narrative while dissecting them further) even getting to the peak by climbing you are not going to sit there forever. You eventually go back down into the various different things that fragment and separate to greater degrees the further down the mountain you go till you find a civilisation of beings, plants, animal, elements, stories and concepts blanketing them all while all of it derived from the very uniform substance/minerals at the peak of the mountain. my own journey has shown what ‘is’ and how it works. There’s nothing more to do but descend back into the dream/illusion/reality and ‘evolve’ the mind through the adversity of the experiences. the relation to others has become about teaching the fundamentals of the mind ( thought, emotion, action/reaction) to guide people away from suffering ( mental anguish and its distinction from injury that doesn’t necessitate suffering) so it frees them to explore in whatever way they choose be it seeking the absolute or just creating a business, family, traveling the world, inventing something or expressing through the arts. It’s up to them and none of my concern. I just choose that as a purpose to guide and help while I am here doing my own work. I could keep doing psychedelics but at some point it turns into bypassing personal work and chasing bliss states which I know I can create while sober. It’s all in the level to which the mind is entrenched in belief. But I also don’t rule it out as sometimes it’s a nice bit of respite to go home every now and then. I also don’t really teach or speak much about advanced spirituality anymore as it doesn’t help anyone so I just explore it by myself. Being that it is a direct experiential of the absolute at that level there is no one else to tell so it is a pointless exercise if others have not or do not experience it for themselves. What I find is Most people are just trying to liberate themselves from trauma and behaviour patterns or trying to escape their reality because they can’t cope but they don’t even know most of the problem is coming from them. Cracking that cage open for someone is a difficult task especially when what is in the cage is likely to bite you out of fear. I liked your video and there are certainly some nice ways of phrasing various things that I would find useful when guiding others ( especially those who insist psychedelics show you the truth and get lost in conspiracy and delusion) seeing it as something of an external story Co opted by the ego and continuing to refuse self Inquiry or even the severe lack of integration or help I’ve come across in plant medicine retreats or communities.

You know what the irony of this post is just shortly after I had a meditation session where I was aware that I could make my own Bliss and happiness through meditation and I didn't necessarily need anyone else to create my bliss and happiness and to the gentleman who said I would not like to be your son there's no need to diss anyone because you don't understand them or whatever is going on with you to say that

When I awaken I saw the light. It my bliss body was vibrating and creating ripples on the ocean of life. I remembered seeing it as a baby in the car seat of my dads car when I had no identity. Like you are behind a wall of glass to reality.

My 2¢ as one of those hermit-like people that resonate with the post: I had to work very hard for 8 years since age 15 to get over major social anxiety (like being scared of calling the ISP to ask a question bad). This culminated in being able to now talk to absolutely anyone, everything nice and cordial. Basically spiral wizardry. Possibly some genetic component got activated in the process, as my dad made tens of millions brokering deals, one of the best negotiators you could find anywhere, but I digress. This was undoubtedly vital, an investment that will pay off for the remainder of my life. But now there's no point in taking it further, only maintenance. The more I develop, the larger the rift between me and others, and it's up to me to bridge that gap, since it's like a one-way street, doesn't work from the other end. That appears effortless in the moment, but it takes its toll later on. Occasionally interacting with 'child of man' can be refreshing, fun, and enjoyable, especially after long periods of isolation. But 'fun' and 'enjoyable' are much weaker words than 'bliss', 'Love', 'joy', which I get when being with God. I've had deeper connections to inanimate objects than to people. This is utterly inconceivable to anyone I tell it to, so they attempt to rationalize it somehow by projecting onto me (i.e. I have a fear of connecting with humans, so have to delude myself into making do with 'things'), when in fact it is they who are afraid of letting go of their human identity. So I don't bother anymore, and adapt to whatever they need, playing along in their games. I pretty much only talk to family, acquaintances from class, and random strangers, and it's going great. One with God is the majority. Another fat limiting factor is the need for use of language to communicate, this one thing already disables so much potential. Within one's own mind that can be transcended, but with others it's tricky to say the least. For women it might be a bit easier since they're more sensitive to nonverbal cues, I wouldn't know, either way it's only a marginal improvement. All that said, I still love human beings, for all their shenanigans and evils. Making and seeing them happy is the bedrock of my life purpose. But it's more of a subtle relationship than something direct. The post was very nuanced and covered all the bases, so I'm not sure what people are finding fault with.

Absolutely. The most effective method for me to induce crazy states of mind through dreaming is the Wake Back To Bed method (WBTB). In a nutshell you wake up after 5-6 hours of sleep, stay awake for 30+ minutes (no bright lights). Then you go lay down in bed without moving your body. The craziest, most surreal dream experiences have happened when doing this. With this method the mind shifts straight to REM dream sleep from wakefulness, and the liminal state between these states is quite fascinating. Totally surreal visuals and experiences, often accompanied with a deep sense of bliss in the body and a sharp sense of awareness about what is happening. There are some challenges with this though, such as slipping into unconscious dreaming or getting the urge to move your body during the liminal state. It's also best not to do it every night since it can disturb the replenishing/restorative effect of sleep. But overall I find it very effective, it's also the only method that has worked for me for having full on lucid dreams where I am aware I am dreaming and can mold all aspects of the environment. This is quite a bit more difficult for me however, and also I find the liminal dream states even more fascinating.

I agree deeply with Leo’s post. In fact I’ve been contemplating this a lot lately. Similar to Leo, I’ve been fortunate enough to gain full autonomy and financial independence in my life. I stopped needing to work at age 28, I’m 31 now and can literally do whatever I want with my time. I’m completely free. I’m not a billionaire, but I also don’t have to work, because I’ve greatly simplified my life and live abroad. But I’m not like a broke hippie, I live very well, right now I’m in a private house on a ranch in nature by the beach. Anyways, I live in this village and it’s a highly social place, I’ve been doing about 5-6 months of deep spiritual work (a training) and upon finishing decided to go out and give the old ego some fun. I did pick up, went to dinners, talked to people on the street. Yeah on the one hand, it’s all God and there is beauty in relating and connecting. But also, it’s not nearly as satisfying as being alone and basking in the bliss of God Realization that I’ve cultivated over the last decade. Leos post is correct, if you truly raise your consciousness enough, there’s little that another human can say that really hits you as deeply, it becomes kinda…time wasting I guess. And it’s not a bitterness thing, I genuinely just don’t feel this loneliness or need to connect socially because I’m connected to God at all times, as consciousness and as others. I can sit at a restaurant and eat alone and from the outside I’m a guy eating alone but in truth I’m the whole restaurant and everyone in it. Call me full of shit but that’s the exact experience I had tonight. Pick up, parties, I’ll still do, I’m actually in a phase right now where I’m really going deep into parties to “burn through the karma” or at least see experimentally what’s actually there with my new level of consciousness so far what Leo’s said checks out love the post