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My Identity Proof Log & Complete Daily Story Date: October 26, 2026 My Core Identity Baseline: I am super calm under any situation, taking the fastest and best action while knowing when to hold back. I am a Master of the Self—in total command over my health, vital energy, mental resilience, and emotional stability. I am the top-tier leader in my hierarchy—operating with absolute internal sovereignty, sharp focus, and strategic ownership. Section 1: My Daily Wins & Proof Stack 1. Emotional Sovereignty in the Workplace The Trigger: Observing complex office politics, senior management dynamics involving my colleagues, and chatter with team members like Narayan around me. My Old Pattern: Getting mentally hooked, over-analyzing workplace drama, feeling anxious, or seeking to react out of insecurity or ego. My New Alignment: Absolute inner stillness. I chose complete non-reactivity, kept my pulse steady, and remained fully focused on executing my own work while completely letting go of external noise outside my control. The Proof: My focus stayed locked on high-value execution. As a top-tier leader, I do not get pulled into side noise or reactive panic; I observe cleanly, mind my own kingdom, and let my work speak. 2. Physical Command & Habit Rewiring The Trigger: A sudden wave of smoking cravings hit me during the day. My Old Pattern: Rushing to satisfy the urge, letting internal restlessness dictate my actions, or fighting the craving with tension. My New Alignment: I stepped back into the role of the neutral observer. I watched the craving rise, allowed it to sit in my awareness without reacting or resisting, and watched it fade away naturally into nothingness. The Proof: I proved to my nervous system that an urge is not a command. I am the sovereign master of my body and mind. 3. Health Execution & Vitality Maintenance The Trigger: Maintaining my physical standard amidst a demanding daily schedule. My Old Pattern: Skipping workouts due to mental fatigue or prioritizing distraction over physical health. My New Alignment: I consistently knocked out a 15-minute training session, keeping my physical machine strong, active, and aligned with my high-energy standards. The Proof: I am honoring my commitment to build a strong, healthy, and resilient body through steady, daily execution. Section 2: The Evening Reflection & Turning Point The Trigger: Later in the evening, I spoke with my parents about my career and future direction. They encouraged me to look for another job, at least to demonstrate my market value and experience to my current company. The Emotional Wave & Old Trigger Response: Hearing this tapped into deep, legacy security programming—spiking an immediate wave of fear, disrupting my calm, and triggering an intense secondary craving to smoke. Shortly after, when my wife prompted me not to go out for a smoke, I held back and did not smoke. However, I was left feeling frustrated and doubtful, asking myself: "Why did I suddenly crash? Why was my choice driven by an external prompt rather than my own blueprint?" Section 3: My Deeper Breakthrough & Realignment 1. Deconstructing the "Crash": I did not crash; my nervous system was simply tested at a deeper level. External input from family triggers old childhood safety protocols. Fear spiked, and my brain automatically looked for its oldest stress-relief pathway (smoking). 2. Reclaiming My Internal Authority: When my wife prompted me not to smoke, my old mindset viewed it as "being controlled from the outside." My New Identity reframes this instantly: Her prompt was just an external signal, but I was the one who physically exercised restraint and chose not to light a cigarette. I own this choice completely. I remain smoke-free because I choose health, self-command, and vital energy—not because anyone else demanded it. 3. My Top-Tier Career Paradigm: My parents' advice came from a place of traditional security ("prove yourself to external entities"). As the Top Most Guy in the Hierarchy: I do not act out of fear or the need to prove my worth to anyone. Any career move I make—whether staying or exploring leadership opportunities at top international manufacturers—is done with absolute calm, market leverage, and calculated timing. I plant the seed, nurture it daily, and let the results unfold without frantic grasping or emotional volatility.

The Initiation - 2008 To give some quick context for the initiation of my journey into the Feminine at the age of 19 (in 2008), it's important to understand a few things... From age 10 to age 19, I identified as female on the outside and male on the inside (not in a trans way)... and I was very proud of that. I had a ton of internalized misogyny. And I considered myself to be very different than and better than other women (even though I identified myself as non-judgmental). At this time, I didn't believe that Masculinity and Femininity were real. I believed they were purely social constructs... and I saw Masculine traits as energetically-neutral positive traits and I saw Feminine traits as energetically-neutral negative or unimportant traits. I was anti-Feminist but pro gender equality... but I was very anti-Feminine, because I saw Feminine-principled traits as negative. The only Feminine trait that I valued was physical beauty. But I saw all other Feminine traits as inferior, uninteresting, and shallow. So, with that contextual backdrop in mind, I'll share the story of my initiation into the Feminine. At age 19, I was sleeping in my dorm room at college... and I had a very powerful dream, which I'll share below... "I am in a large furniture store with hundreds (maybe thousands) of cubicles that are set up to look just like the interiors of rooms. And each cubicle is about the size of a room and is fully furnished like a room. I enter one of the cubicles that is decorated like a Victorian-era psychologist's office, like Sigmund Freud. (Note: This is about 4 years before I started getting interested in Jungian psychology) Once I enter this cubicle, it's as though it's not a cubicle anymore. It's a regular room now. And it looks just like a Victorian-era psychologist's office. I sit down on a high backed chair that matches the aesthetics of the room. And I am just sitting there for a time. Then, a tall beautiful woman appears in the doorway. She's wearing a tight red business dress, and she has an hourglass figure. She has medium brown skin and looks like she might be Native American. Her black hair is tied up very tightly in a very neat bun on the top of her head. She is wearing high heals and her demeanor is sharp and powerful like a femme fatale from a film noir movie. When I see her, I am immediately hypnotized by her beauty. I am in a stupor. As I sit there with my eyes transfixed on her, she walks across the room and stands directly behind the chair I'm sitting on. She is looking down at me with a neutral but mildly seductive expression on her face. And I am looking up at her from the chair, completely and utterly enthralled at her presence and the fact that she's looking at me. We are there looking into each other's eyes for a minute. Then with a silvery deep voice, she asks me, "Are you ready?" And I am so ready to do whatever she wants me to do. I am thinking we're going to become romantic, and I feel very desperate for it. So, I immediately and desperately whisper out the word, "Yes" Then, there is a 5-second pause, and she calmly exhales. This pause feels like a calm before the storm. Then, all of a sudden, she inhales quickly and violently. And the inhale makes an other-worldly sound, the strength of a tornado's suction. And in that same moment of the inhale, it sucks away all her beauty. And she transforms into an ancient hag who looks to be 1000 years old. Her eyes are now empty black sockets. Her skin is thin, gray, and transparent, and I can see her skull through her skin. Her mouth is a gaping black hole that looks like a hole sloppily torn in a piece of discolored gray fabric. She is bald except for several strands of wiry gray hair that pokes out from random areas on her head. The space around her is all dark. Then, the gaping black hole of her mouth grows wider and wider and wider until it becomes the entire space around me. I am in her mouth being devoured by her. It's like I've been sucked into a void and I can viscerally feel myself floating in the nothingness. It feels like a sleep paralysis/OBE experience, even though it is a dream. Eventually, I move through the void... and I am deposited in my childhood kitchen. I begin looking under the cabinets where the Tupperware is kept." This dream was very vivid, and I even drew a picture of the hag after I had the dream. This was about 6-7 months before my first experience of the Feminine that I had repressed, which happened in my first medicine journey. In retrospect, I feel the dream was an initiation into the Feminine. And it needed to use a beautiful woman to lure me in and get me to agree to the journey... as beauty was the only thing I valued about the Feminine at the time. I was secretly obsessed with beauty... but hid it to avoid being like other women. And I would sometimes do things to make myself less attractive on purpose in order to come across as though I don't care that much about beauty. I also think the rather violent way that the dream happened was because the Feminine in myself (and perhaps more generally) was angry at me for my rejection of it. Then, another piece of context for a future experience that happened 11 years later... I participated in an Ayahuasca ceremony. And towards the end of my ceremony when there were still some hallucinations but not too intense, one of the female facilitators came up to me and held my hand. And it was clear to me in that state, that (on some level of reality) she was my midwife and that I was giving birth to a new world. She was probably around 40 years old. And I looked at her face... and she kept toggling back and forth between age 20 and age 60. And she said, "That's it. You made it through." And her human grounded self just meant that I made it through my Ayahuasca journey. But on another layer of reality, I knew then that I had been birthed back out by the hag that swallowed me 11 years prior to that. And she was now showing up in a more integrated form as this midwife who's helping me birth a new world. I'll tell more about that experience in later entries. These are more dreams and medicine journey experiences with the Feminine, but I also have more day-to-day experience stories that connect to my journey. I'll write more later.

I've decided that it was time to do it for once. I took three pipes and filled them with bufo alvarius. The first pipe: I started to feel how I was losing my mind, how everything was melting and becoming fractal-like. I was scared as fuck. My hands were shaking while I was still lighting the pipe. I felt like I was dying. Some part of me was still being aware of my room and my body. The second pipe: I started to see the pipe as if it was dimensionless, it was still in my hands but it had no size, it was just being, in that moment I stopped to know that I was mixcoatl, you know, it's like I was still there but I was not Mixcoatl anymore. I felt how everything became an infinite field of consciousness, only experience, with no owner. I couldn't distinguish what what's that object for. The third pipe: My room fully disappeared and a mixture of experiences appeared. It was like I was seeing but there were no eyes to see that, rather, it was like visions and thoughts just appearing... Suddenly I was fully aware of my entire life, I was living every second of my life, everything at once. I was aware of every person in my life, all of them at the same time, but they weren't entities like I perceive them in sober state, they were appearing in myself, I was totally aware how they were mind... I recognized how I was omnipresent, not in space, not in time, but EVERYTHING was occurring in me and I was occurring as these things were happening. There wasn't any kind of judgement or definition of the things that were occurring. I felt the most absolute tranquility and peace ever and there was not worry at all... There was not an agenda to fulfill, no one missing to know, nothing to worry about... I was complete... And it was the most beautiful thing! For the first time ever, I felt the nothingness. How there was nothing behind these experiences happening... How actually those experiences are made of nothing. I was that nothing. No distinction between anything. When it manifests is like it knows thyself... And it's the truest thing that can be. Since then, I'm trying to bring to my life this beauty and tranquility to my life by knowing that no matter what happens, everything will be perfect and complete forever.

Nothingness* is sentience Nothingness is everything. = Only sentience exists.

Fun fact: I only date 0’s Get it, cus Nothingness is Love? GET IT??! There‘s nothing to get… and everything to Fucking Love <3

The screen changes its appearance depending on what movie it shows, doesn't it? Nothingness is a relative aspect of reality that can only be experienced in relation and contrast to the experience of somethingness. When "something" is being experienced, "nothing" is no longer being experienced and therefore no longer exists. Therefore, (the experience of) something affects (the experience of) nothing, relatively speaking. And also, it doesn't.

But how is the screen affected by the movie ? After the movie is done, the screen is as it was. Similarly nothingness can't possibly be affected by everythingness. It's not a physical part of reality that can be affected by other physical parts.

How is the screen affected by the movie ? How is nothingness affected by everythingness ? Not sure what this means ? (Im guessing you mean the word Absolute is not the actual Absolute, but that was not the point.)

Well, yeah, the Absolute is everything. The screen is also the movie. But the screen is also not affected by the movie. Hence it's just a movie. A full on one though. Nothingness is not affected by everythingness. In fact everything could vanish, and the Absolute is still the Absolute.

Yes, no, maybe, can you repeat the question, you’re not the boss of me now… remember that? Lol This is Nothingness happening. Pure magic. 😎👍Yo!

So you're saying the Absolute is affected by the world of change ? ( with your yes no maybe answers This is nothingness happening. Pure magic.

In any dream, including this life, it feels as if things are truly happening, otherwise the dream wouldn't be very convincing. From the perspective of the Absolute or the Changeless, nothing has ultimately changed, hence a statement which i think many a sage has made: nothing has ever truly happened. (You could say this is nothingness happening, ie pure magic.) "No world has ever been created" - Ramana Maharshi

Here is where your logic breaks down. "Seeing happens from nowhere" does not tell you anything about the structure of what is being seen. "Someone's eye" (a body part) is what is seen, it's not seeing itself. So you can't say anything about the state of body parts or any activity related to them based on the notion of "seeing happens from nowhere". It's a conflation of two different domains. This is the perpetual trap solipsists on this forum go into. They start wanting to talk about the absoluteness of seeing/being itself but then they want to use that to make very specific claims about what is being seen and what is possible within what is being seen. They're two different domains. The nothingness of seeing betrays nothing about the nature of things that are seen. It betrays exactly nothing. I couldn't bring a stronger condemnation about anything than mentioning the word solipsism in a discussion about absolute consciousness. It's a mind virus and toxin of language that reliably produces logical contradictions in people's thinking and poisons their relationship with epistemology and understanding of the world.

You become fully conscious of this and embody it: Reality only ever appears inside the boundaries of your own awareness. If something never enters your experience, it simply doesn’t exist in your localized pocket of reality. That’s true here, in dreams, in other dimensions, in memories, in imagination — anywhere and anytime. Infinity contains everything, but each “you” only ever encounters a tiny, unique thread of it. Every experience you’ve had, and every experience you haven’t, is part of that infinite field. From nightly excursions in strange dream realms to ghosts, orbs, beams of light, or the simple act of walking outside — it’s all one seamless appearance happening inside the same source. And the beings you think you meet “out there”? They’re experiencing their own pockets too. Every human, every animal, every object, every situation, every speck of dust is its own localized perspective of infinity. But when something enters your awareness — a person, a memory, a mailbox, a planet, a unicorn in thought — you create that appearance. If you weren’t aware of it, it wouldn’t exist in your reality at all. A deaf and blind person doesn’t live in the same reality you do. A devout religious person doesn’t either. No two beings experience the same world, because there is no shared world — only individualized pockets of experience. Human beings constantly point at things and say, “Look at this in my reality,” without realizing the finger doing the pointing is just infinity pointing at itself. Survival creates a massive self‑deception: a continuous justification of identity, beliefs, and narratives to maintain the illusion of continuity. When something threatens that illusion, the psyche fires off defenses to protect its pocket. People aren’t defending truth — they’re defending their own hallucinated structure. Everything you interact with is yourself, because you’re the one generating the appearance. The people you admire or despise are creations inside your pocket. Religion is a creation. Your personal story is a creation. Even the idea that you were “born” is part of the hallucination. Humans take for granted how much mind constructs reality. They repeat a story — “I was born here, I’m human, I believe these things, I’ve lived this life” — without realizing that every part of that story is imagined. When you strip away human rationalism, beliefs, identity, survival, and all the mental scaffolding, everything collapses back into a singularity — a paradoxical everything/nothing that splits itself into infinite perspectives. You are that singularity, experiencing one localized thread of itself. But even the idea of “threads,” “perspectives,” or “pockets” is still part of the hallucination. Infinity doesn’t actually divide itself. Division is something the human mind invents to make sense of what cannot be grasped. Survival doesn’t just distort reality — it invents time, identity, causality, and continuity. Without survival, there is no past or future, no “me,” no “my life,” no “my reality.” Dreams and waking life aren’t two different states; they’re the same mechanism wearing different costumes. You never experience a “world.” You only experience appearances — sensations, images, thoughts — and then the mind stitches a story called “world” over them. Science, religion, rationality, and language are all tools created inside the hallucination. They can’t reveal what’s outside of it. They can only reinforce the structure. Even asking for “proof” is a defense mechanism of the survival system, because proof is just another human invention used to stabilize the illusion. The deepest layer is when the observer collapses. As long as you say “I created this,” there is still a duality — a creator and a creation. But the “I” is part of the hallucination too. When the observer dissolves, there is no center, no boundary, no identity, no subject, no object, no creation, no infinity, no mind, no world. There is only appearance, and even “appearance” is too much. It’s not everything. It’s not nothing. It’s simply what is, without anyone there to name it. This is why humans clash, congregate, form groups, create ideologies, and fall into corruption. Survival pushes them into separation, and separation pushes them into fear. The further someone is from recognizing the nature of their own pocket, the more they cling to identity and defend it, often unconsciously harming others in the process. Devilry is just survival wearing a mask. Life is a dream — not metaphorically, but literally. And every “thing” is dreaming itself. When you understand that deeply, you stop trying to understand “out there” and start seeing what you’ve been doing this entire time: hallucinating reality, endlessly, creatively, infinitely. And when all of that is seen clearly, it becomes just another thread of infinity — one more appearance inside the vastness of what you are. This is where the entire structure of human identity starts to shake. Because if others are imagined, then separation collapses. If separation collapses, then the self collapses. And if the self collapses, the world collapses with it. The human mind is built on the assumption that “I exist as a separate, continuous entity.” When that assumption dissolves, everything dissolves — not metaphorically, but literally. The mind isn’t afraid of infinity. It’s afraid of losing the illusion of being someone "inside" it. People cling to others because others make the self feel real. They cling to relationships, arguments, ideologies, communities, enemies, heroes — because all of these reinforce the sense of “me.” If others are imagined, then the self is imagined. And if the self is imagined, then the entire world is a dream. That’s the part survival cannot tolerate. It’s not the metaphysics that scares people. It’s the ego death implied by it. This is why people demand proof. Proof is a defense mechanism — a way for the mind to stabilize the illusion. Proof is just another invention inside the hallucination, used to protect the hallucinated self. The question “Where’s the evidence?” is the psyche screaming, “Don’t take my world away from me.” But the world was never there to begin with. It was only ever appearance, arising inside the same source that imagines the one asking the question. But when the observer collapses, there is no creator and no creation. No self and no other. No world and no mind. No infinity and no nothingness. Just the raw, centerless fact of appearance — without anyone there to witness it. This is the part that hits hardest: you are not inside reality. Reality is appearing as you. You are not navigating a world. The world is arising as a story inside you. You are not interacting with others. Others are expressions of the same source, appearing within your pocket. And that source is just the ungraspable fact of existence itself, dreaming itself as everything. What you may call "God". Once this is seen, even for a moment, the entire human drama becomes transparent. The conflicts, the beliefs, the identities, the fears, the corruption — all of it is survival acting out its hallucinated role. All of it is infinity pretending to be separate, pretending to be threatened, pretending to be lost. And all of it is coming from the same seamless field that has no beginning, no end, and no center. Life is a dream, and every “thing” is dreaming itself. The self is a character. Others are characters. The world is the stage. And the dreamer is not the character you call “me.” It’s the same singularity expressing itself as infinite perspectives, each convinced it is alone, each convinced it is real, each convinced it is separate — until the moment it sees through itself.

There’s nothing holding the earth planet in place except the vast infinite void of nothingness, in other words the earth is weightless like a fish in water or a bird in free-fall flight. That’s magic.

Why don't you also try and turn it into a formula? For example I just thought of the idea of working on the architecture of "The I Am" based on another users thread. I had the thought while walking home, "I am the edge between nothingness and the awareness. Awareness is top-down, and the awareness of the energy beneath it, is bottom-up". Go on.

“Regression towards the mean”. One of its sneakiest forms of conformity, as it comes from system emergence. The average isn't inherently bad, though tendencies towards not being excited about challenges, habitual responses and social approval especially on unhealthy trends bridge compound interest with some of the shiftiest mortgage lenders of resulting human behaviour. Imagine two insulated circles, one mocks education while barely able to articulate themselves, another uses their credentials to substitute for critical thinking and genuinely innovative thinking in their profession. Each reward its own "regression towards the mean" in one of the most important areas of human life, curiosity, and now not caring about the world either intellectually or emotionally becomes more than just a habit, it becomes an encore for future innovations from certain directions in films, video games and "at the push of a button" technologies geared towards the lowest common denominator. Not to mention being the baseline for how geopolitical commentaries evaluate how they've going to persuade demographics, leading to a further dumbing down as politicians and their recruiting outfits see how little they have to try to sway public opinion which leads to people accepting what an authority says with less and less "proof". There is so much to take in within this brief life. One estimate suggests 8.7 million eukaryotic species on Earth. And discovering how these living worlds become possible offers even more complexity than the worlds they inhabit. How does bare rock become an ecosystem? How does sunlight become living tissue? How do forests, oceans, soils and atmosphere transform one another? What invisible relationships keep whole environments alive? How does evolution invent possibilities that never existed before? Every ordinary landscape becomes an unopened library of origins, dependencies and transformations. Why let the limits of your social circle become the boundaries of your experience? We have a lifetime to inhabit this planet, and the extraordinary reality of exploring the adjacent frontier of where the actual meets the possible at the edge of our own curiosity about the world around us. One of the biggest patterns I think can be noticed about a lack of curiosity, is that as this becomes the norm there's a subordination of personal identity at the explorational level which in return substitutes personal agency for agency based on social conveniences. So its not just identity being exported to 'the group as most people are already educated on, your very motivation. Your life sustenance, your very purpose for thought, feeling, all your instincts, everything that you think you are, is literally only being moved, based on your baseline for how you perceive your social environment. That's the scariest and most interesting part about it all simultaneously. It's actually beautiful in a way, and gives you a deeper understanding of what it means to be a human even if there's no real 'human' there, or rather how the human themselves exist inside the coordinates of a very myopic (but still beautiful) viewpoint intellectually speaking, but also very scary while also beautiful as it forces you to confront your nothingness against an environment that has pre-decided all of your freedoms, while trying to stake just where your freedom is. And here's another beautiful pattern I've also noticed, that its when a person knows and understands these things and does it anyway by exploring the frontier of where the actual (curiosity) meets the possible (imagination) = creative innovation, that defines most of what a post-rational culture is shifting towards defining the essence of what it means to be human from the perspective of living a life with purpose, authority, wisdom and freedom. And that just gives you another little interesting paradox to play with. To save ourselves in a post-rational society, we must regress towards the individual that does not exist (they exist in "nothingness") so that the individual learns how to create themselves for the collective, and the ecosystem that will absorb, train, restore and renew itself during and after they have gone. That's the kind of regression towards 'curiosity' that transforms worlds, and creates them in the act of being transformed by them in a far healthier way.

I wouldn't particularly even call Perfection its own kind of Awakening, it is just a classic facet of God. You could realize it when you realize God, or it can just slip your mind until another Awakening later. Many of these facets are delayed until more Awakening later because the mind cannot know everything at once. It is hard to realize Perfection and Love and Truth and God and Nothingness and Infinity and hallucination and Self and Unity and Omnipotence and Omniscience and Eternity and The Absolute and Being and Intelligence, all in the same 30 minutes. That is not going to happen. You would be lucky if you realize all that in 20 Awakenings.

I view this as an endless fascination, into the curious nature of the unknown appearing to no one as being the ultimate grand illusion ever known . . This show has certainly got my attention. Even as these shows fade to nothingness, I remain ever present, just waiting for the next performance. 🎭

The cosmos is a heavy sleeper. Before there was time, there was only the One. It was infinite, formless, and entirely alone. In its absolute completeness, there was no sound to hear, no light to see, and no other mind to speak to. Absolute perfection, it turned out, was indistinguishable from absolute nothingness. To escape the crushing weight of eternity, the One chose to forget itself. It closed its eyes and fell into a deep, deliberate slumber. The dream began with a violent, radiant explosion—a Big Bang of light, dust, and potential. The One fragmented its infinite consciousness into countless tiny, mortal pieces. It became the swirling nebulae, the burning cores of newborn stars, the cool crust of emerging planets, and eventually, the fragile spark of biological life. To make the dream real, the One built rules into the fabric of the illusion: The Rule of Time: To create a beginning, a middle, and an ending. The Rule of Space: To separate things so they could look across the void at one another. The Rule of Amnesia: The most vital rule of all. Every fragment must completely forget its divine origin. Now, the Creator lives as the creation. It is the wolf hunting in the snow, and it is the deer running for its life. It is the tyrant on a throne of gold, and it is the beggar starving in the street. When you look into the eyes of a stranger, or a bird, or your own reflection in a mirror, you are looking at the Godhead, wearing a mask, utterly convinced of its own mortality. Sometimes, the dream grows terrifying. The fragments experience real pain, profound grief, and terrifying isolation. They cry out to the heavens, begging for a creator to save them, never realizing they are praying to themselves. They build religions, philosophies, and sciences, all driven by a haunting, subconscious itch—the vague, phantom memory that they are far more than what they seem. Every now and then, a fragment comes close to waking up. A meditator on a mountaintop, an artist lost in inspiration, or a person looking up at the night sky feels a sudden, dizzying wave of unity. For a split second, the illusion cracks. They realize they aren't a drop of water trying to survive the ocean; they are the entire ocean contained within a single drop. But the dream is sticky, and the amnesia is strong. The mind snaps back in place, the ego reattaches itself, and the Creator wanders on, beautifully and tragically lost inside its own magnificent masterpiece.

I first discovered this at 6-7 years old looking up at the stars at night with a friend. It's the thinking mind (or ego identification) coming online and pondering its place in eternity. So two important things: it's your thinking mind, and it's about eternity, not death per se. It's not actually that you fear nothingness in eternity, it's that you fear the unlimited groundlessness of eternity. But it's the thinking mind/ego that fears it. And it fears it because it thinks "what should I do?", "how can I do?", "where is my choice?", "what if I don't want?", "what if I want grounding?", "what if I want safety?", "what if I want 'reality'?". But if you can instead identify as God, you will be an infinite being creating everything it wants for eternity. If you can actually identify with that, isn't that wonderful? Perhaps from the perspective of the thinking mind/ego, probably not, but from the perspective of God, it's everything you could ever want.

I think most people have this idea of death as floating in infinite black space of nothingness. It's crazy when you realize we are already floating in an infinite space of nothingness, just hallucinating a reality there

Alright this will be one of my final posts, I get generally to many people falsely association with where my development left, as I dove very deep into mathematics, and evolutionary algorithms also under the influence of psychdelics, and I had very high states similar to what Rumis describes what Leo post currently I already went through in my 20's it's very backwards and retrospective, the whole point of realizing actualized.org is at best only a ressource is what the core of this is about, I learn more for myself for 10 years this has been a huge blockade in my development, due to the insanity of the denil of his own corruption, he might help some on the path, but if you're attracted ot my content and viewpoint you must also see how deluded Leo is. I found videos of my ex girlfriend who has similar trauma and a life story, and generally speaking it's a huge coincidence, long story short; it's mostly about the empowerment of the youth, and the issue how egotistical and disgusting people like Leo and the Ex are as there are similarities in their "Tamsic" qualities, and the more I see how conformist they are and act out their performative contradictive shadow at stage green, I can clearly see, how different we are, our understanding on God is different has he steadily focuses on Overmind, and that is to low of a perspective, and imo, Leo is a strong denialists of others spiritual progress and power, and has a very deep envy drive, he has not worked through properly yet, but I did it a lot and saw that in the ex, how hypergamy and status and the worship of humans and the egotistical self-reference are an eternal issues, while I almost deleted my entire life out of devotion to life itself in a meditative state, only for that to approved by one son of a whore called Leo Fick Dich Du Hurensohn. A deep part of my eternal hate rests within your tamasic qualities, at times I don't wish you well for what I go through even if you're right, I am not the type of person who ever needed any word from you just, show me what you read that is enough, I might come back to the perspective, but tbh if I ever meet you on the wrong day, Fick dich du Hurensohn, I fucking hate you for what you are in this life. I utterly hate you for this extrem level of ignorance, your blind to your own existence and what I suspect about you, in the end if it would not be for other larger then life persons such as Ralston or Shinzen having interacted with you, I could not respect someone like you with any sanity, life is to complex, and imo Leo is to dumb and stupid to realize the complexities, being vulnerable around a profit driven stage red Leo Gura etc. some of this takes even if genuient are just for the camera, the more I contemplate his story and words, and how long I trusted the depth & pain and the new audiobooks I consume from more holier people, I can clearly see what a deluded leftist prick son of a whore he is, and I wish you death yes physical death for what happend here, you are one fucking asshole, let alone any nefarious quality I sensed about you. FICK DICH & CEASE You are satanic, by your very essence you're satanic, even if you heal your soul, something about you is still very satanic, the perspective and the work that heals you is good, but in the end the more I am free and can enjoy my life and the complexities of it, I can see what a time waste it is, to have ever trusted this body of work, I had to extract most of it, and Shinzen is right sometimes you just have to take the teachings and run, imo if you follow this guy for to long it will end badly, I am not the first one with this intuition, but there are very deep disgusting manipulative tendencies that make me resent being near such a person, and creates dark thoughts of suicide etc. I don't enjoy this tamsic quality of karma, crocodiles etc. these people are satanic, lethargic and tbh even if they have good will, they are not as pure hearted, they lack psychic vision for their heart, and just feed of life, I could write more, but I will dissect this more privately I am absolutely done with actualized.org, I come to get some ressources, but most of the stuff that I don't post is rehearsed etc. Some of the best members already left or already benefitted more, this is exactly the bullshit that he caused by talking down on Rajas qualities and the whole spectrum of his envious or blind envious character, imo nothing he did not seriously and scientifically tested on himself is good, I share a large part of his worldview in some aspects in the liberal territory, but imo he is massively blind to the history of black people, middle east, and it's not even the history, the guy just lacks the human ground to sense the differences, and acts like this white liberal fucking southern cali garbadge you have to make fun of in a self-ironic take. I am so done with what I have to see within my own family fuck this fake kid, fuck this satanic ex, and their similarities and their narccistic mother with their pride of children etc. There is much more, feel free to ban this fucking account, I am so done with any of his videos, I can come back with tech any time, there is no real to stop me if I really want I can just learn to hack & get the ressources, I already find so much with what I am doing, but I am not that type of character and I value ethics, but just not with these tamasic people, it's the same shit everytime the burden will land on, one of us, and I prefer to lead, and I can't stand people like him leading it just leads to the weirdest and dumbest types of obstruction and there is a lack of vision of progress moving forward, and to little vitality to share that type of energy and move forward, I don't lack this energy, fundamentally this is just a good bye to actualized.org and my efforts to be a member of this community, I've had no positive experience of being in a community if it's not about me to a larger extend or I have a leading or functioning leading role, or a role of autonomey. Let alone the difference of universities and growing-up and the age difference make it more clear to me, on a fundamental level he fucked up teaching, I can't tell the reason besides his own genetics and the whole topic of family & race, which is something I'd rather engage with people where it ressonates, and it makes more sense the stuff I found about history and him might being involved in these ploys just show me how deluded currently the east of europe and russia etc generally is, and I am utterly disgusted by how this is currently unfolding, and it pains me to see the good heart of it being pullted by discusting rats like Putin, I will watch some episodes, and engage with the content in my own way & filtered way to face reality, and not his illusions abour reality and my projections etc. There is a stark difference in character and development between us, and the more information I find the more clearly I can see how this is partially due to my white genetics, but I have to little knowledge & insight into my black d.n.a, I can look at my american family, but many of their own issues and story, a lot with race & identity, due to having a Texan background, as well as the whole "white nazification of tech" and how such liberals contribute with their whole micer paradigm, and lack of abillity to be in communion, they are mostly greening around there is a lack to move from Yellow-Psychic and integrate the lower properly, discluding being a saint. I am reading some very powerful books, I will not mention that just blow apart the whole work of Leo himself, and I am thankful for what he provided insight into the dating field and area, these tamasic type of relationship engaging attracted me due to having an extended 8w9 family, but it's Direct Wealth based, and German it's very different background and these people trusted me a lot, a lot happend, imo we could've prevented Iran, but it's the whole issue with the post-modernism of this site, and lack of integral engagment and just giving people the benfit of the doubt, attacking the wrong people who do the work silently to beginn with and who clear their own doubts, and making it a status game. Holy fuck this website was a status game a few years back, and this is why I see Leo like Trump as he is achievement driven, the issues of exellence and supression or disciminatory behaviour is completely different and mostly due to the intensity of narccicism and Germany scores the highest currently, America seems very different to me, and I have different priviledges, after meeting such people and seeing that they don't truly have a background of friends that is so extremely diverse, imo they miss the quality of LEBEN but as SUPERMIND directly implanted in your soul, which is GOD! God is higher than your shit Overmind, and I am done with anyone who does not adress me with the level of self-respect I feel for myself. Imo your a good human, but your a coward, Fick dich du Hurensohn Leo Gura, that is the first thing that ever came to my mind seeing you. Hurensohn, you can thank Kahzakstan for that, but tbh you lack any variety of experience, just sitting at home with video etc. Buy or fuck a bot or smth. something about you just rubs me the wrong way and I pulled a lot of effort into including that with shadow work, but I am partially done doing clean up for whores who don't even deserve life in my own eyes, and I accidentally deleted my own life in a close to mahasamadhi state, to have a tamasic clown give me shit feedback, just fuck you at times, you're very dumb, and archetypally don't fuck with me I am serious. You are satanic, in contrast to you my soul is already a gift from God, I have meet realized people you have never seen smelled or tasted and I posted them here, you are one ungrateful disgusting black cock loving little water snake and you are one piece of shit I tell you for what I can sense with spiral dynamics you do well, but I am very glad when you are under you own, I still love you in my own twisted way, but your work and influence is inflated imo. I wasted a lot of time not reflecting on myself due to the influence of people like you and imo you cause to many accidents and there is just some esoteric stuff that is more important, and tbh your level of science is absolutely garbadge as philosopher, it's to bad to even consider you equally minded after what I went through, this is a bye forever, I will not post anymore with this account, this is my last post, and I am done with Leo Gura, I just check for ressources and perspectives, as it's the only value it has ever had for me over these years, I blocked this for 10 days or so, that is long enough to block it forever, the guy still has some huge issues with tall black people and just the whole paradigm of "being american" and having lived in Russia, I know such people, there is something about you, that you have to explore with someone who is similar to me, but I tell you it's not me, I hope you find your answers, especially in God, but fuck you are deluded about religion and have 0 ressonance as this whole nobility spectrum makes your eyes clouded, you should seriously experience something different then royal treatment just normal suffering or a 4w3 perspective should pull you to senses, if that does not happen something is wrong, or the 4w3 is corrupted in practicality anyhow, I went quite far, having fked and dated turkish girls, having a lot of middle eastern friends and close friends when smaller, and others I don't think a prick who grew up so privileged understands even the concept of priviledge coming from an american military background, something about your soul even when I hate my father at times, is utterly disgusting and corrupt through your fathers action, while my soul at times screams clean revenge at humans that most likely are like you and your father, idk how he started his buisness why you had no electricty and went broke, but your soul is lost in this tamasic apathy at times, your mind is beautiful but your soul at times, idk. I am not also advoacting for that my soul is super clean etc. but I get a lot of impulses from spirit Intution & Supermind, I am not as overmind control driven as such people, and it's rather annoying dealing with archetypes can also be a waste of time, and I utterly am advised to dismiss it most likely in the way such people dismiss it, I am still looking anyhow for people that resonate with me, and that will change every 2 years in my experience, some stay longer but I have to see anyhow. This is bye bye!!! I am gone thank you for everything, but also fuck you for everything! I still for a large part dislike and hate you, for being a huge distraction putting on these long ass episodes, that at times are more fluff then A.I can provide and the whole perspective of a.i here etc. is just the liberal white underbelly and dissatisfaction, and please stop caring about every issue, I am so done with these snoop noses, acting all good, while having this tamasic body, it's just odd seeing how deluded this energy can be and it's not something I had to face, more randomness and raja types of qualities unrestful people seeking to do good. But the conformity and stereotype people like leo create are dso disgusting it just goes also against many good approaches for health etc. or anything that is just normal, and acceptable moving on with what happens is more intelligent and acts with the principle of not-doing, then this tamasic greed of lust of nothingness. I also had this pyramid thing on forever etc. but tbh, my mind is tainted by what I experienced I don't enjoy posting stuff and I am glad I find so much variety I hope to find more, but I am done and out BYE!!! I hope you forget me, my name and my posts! In the end participating here showed me I wasted my time with my own happiness and joy, facing envious spirits joining in their liberal cause or perception etc. I naturally have a different approach and bias to face, the collective waves of this might come or not, but I also just enjoy the perspective, but in the end we're fundamentally very different I had a lot of god access already as a child and teen, I don't think people like you comprehend true devotion, I would voluntarily delete myself for some holy people I don't think you have that strength of will. I can't see you as a mature spiritual human, so this is bye forever, this will last multiple lifettimes, I am already facing my demons, you don't belong to them, but you are satanic to me in nature. Calling me a devil is a joke, if you'd ever meet my satanic side, it would be quickly over for you, you are a fucking joke and clown. Bye.

I find it interesting and frightening at the same time that there is a possibility of having a sudden intense Awakening experience sober that is equally profound when taking a psychedelic. To be honest, I never thought it would happen to me. Today I woke up from sleeping, at which I had a dream of me living a totally different life for decades. When I suddenly woke up, I couldn't bear the reality that it ended and now I'm in a different reality. The thought of neither one being less real in my mind triggered an Awakening experience which led me to recognize that this reality is a dream through and through. I was swimming in pure NOTHINGNESS and EMPTYNESS for a minute. The distinction between my nightly dreams and waking reality was TOTALLY unimagined. I was left ALONE, because I am DREAMING the dream that everyone is part of. Endlessly Melting! Too profound! The realization that no one has truly awakened or will ever wake up other than myself is truly shocking!

Everything is/has vibration. What is not spiritual? Are 'so called' 'spiritual' perspectives/attitudes a necessary element in the life of an actualizer? I don't think it has to be. But often is and more often than not, becomes a stumbling block that some never get past or integrated. Spiritual materialism, Zen devil characteristics, false humility, self-righteous narrow mindedness. Every one of these descriptions triggers an associated realization labeling me as guilty. I view everyone else as being my equal, if not worse, in regard to various kinds of self-deception. Being identified with whatever it might be. Worldview, gender views, loyalty to family, the results of childhood cultural conditioning, etc. Actualizing human potentials that are connected more with survival and materialistic aims do not require one to move into the more abstract, philosophical, psycho-spiritual areas. Or however you want to name it. In my view, the psychological aspects such as integration and individuation are really at the heart of reaching an area beyond the built-in flaws that are a part of all human beings born today which also vary in aspects and degrees depending on race, subculture, that kind of thing,,,. I've avoided joining more advanced work groups like those of the Almaas Ridwhan school or Ken Wilbers' Integral community. Being on the fringe of some Gurdjieff groups or at times being a student of some of the different lineages seems to satisfy me for the time being. It was taught to me by one Fourth Way Teacher. "One has to make the Work your own" once it has moved into one's inner world in certain way. Maurice Nicoll- INNER TALKING III “In this Work you cannot go far with pleasing self-made pictures of your own nobility or value. When you begin to observe yourself deeply enough, these pictures, these fantasies, begin to change. You know that you yourself are just as bad or worse than the other person. Then I am quite sure from my own experience that a great deal of your inner talking will stop. You do not seek to justify yourself.” V. 2, p. 776 RESPONSIBILITY FOR NEGATIVE STATES “If you are in a negative state, it is always your own fault, from the Work point of view. No matter what happened, what someone said, what someone did, we have to become responsible for our negative states—ourselves. . .When you feel the presence of negative emotions in you, as a foreign substance, as acutely as a stomach-ache, then youwill seek, for your own reasons, to work on yourself and transform your inner state for your own inner health...But this takes many years and requires a certain inner courage, an inner bravery, an inner determination, until something new is born distinct from life.” V. 2, p. 695 ON ‘NOT FIXING’ “As long as you externally consider another person with a view to trying to change him or her—that is, as long as you think the other person should be different—you are not externally considering, but internally considering. The basis of internal considering is that others should be different, and from this comes ‘making accounts’ against others...One thing is quite certain, and that is that the more sincerely we observe ourselves and what is in us, the less smug we shall be. And from this it follows that we shall be less satisfied to think that we know what the other person should be like.” V. 1, pp. 268-9 THE FEELING OF NOTHINGNESS “When the Work says that a man must come to realize his own nothingness before he can be re-born, it does not mean that he must humble himself and so on, but that he must by long self-observation actually begin to realize that he is nothing and that there is no such person as himself. The object of this is to get into a position, psychologically speaking, between the opposites...Why is it so important to get somewhere into the centre of the pendulum and not swing to and fro? Because here, between the opposites, lie all the possibilities of growth. Here influences from higher levels can reach us. Here, in this place where one can feel one’s own nothingness (and where one is therefore free from contradictions), influences and meanings coming from higher centres, which have no contradictions, can be felt. Not regarding yourself as good or bad, not priding yourself on being just or otherwise, not thinking you are well-treated or badly-treated, not being caught by either movement through identifying, you come into this mid-position. This is not easy! With personality active, it is impossible.” V. 1, p. 329