Jonson

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Posts posted by Jonson

  3. Posted · Edited by Jonson

    Hi. 

    How should I sit while meditating on a chair ? Should lay back or just sit straight ? 

    I can't do the full lotus or half lotus. When i sit on the floor i can't really sit straight. 

    Should I just sit the way it's the most comfortable? 

    I just began a 30 days challenge to implement meditation? 

    Also, should close my eyes or open them? 

  4. Posted · Edited by Jonson

    He is raw. I love that he doesn't have a filter, he is just putting it out there. Even if he makes mistakes, that's not what he's focused on. He is focused on expressing everything. He is pushing all boundaries,he is entertaining, he is authentic, expresses his realizations and his truth and he makes great music. 

    Very cool dude and very emotional. 

  5. Posted

    Omg, it was a crazy night lol. When i went outside with my friends i began to crack jokes and to be funny, and suddenly i felt that the incompleteness is disappearing. I talked to lots of girls, I danced and I drank like a looooot. Then i went in the centre of city with 2 friends, and i had such an amazing game with 2 girls, they were laughing a lot but i was pushing at the same time and being very physical, kissing their hands, it was the first time that my flirting was very good. 

    I also danced on the stage alone in front of everyone  and i took of my shirt, and it felt soo good at the moment , girls laughed, everything was cool , but now that i look back , maybe my dancing should've been better :)) so ye it's this thing about whether to do the unknown , uncomfortable stuff or to not take the risk cause you'll regret it later

    Anyway , alcohol can help so much while socializing and partying but then u get a hangover and it fcks up your head. 

    I don't feel incomplete anymore in a sense , idk i think that higher consciousness is very dependent on your physical state (maybe this is a "no shit" )

    Well, thanks for the advice 

    @blazed  Your reply was soo funny  :)))) thanks\

    @John Iverson that's kind of what i did , felt the feeling and observed

  9. Posted

    @zoey101 @B_Naz The thing is that we never really communicate. We only have rare exchange of words, that is the problem. It's not necessarily that i'm not doing my homeworks and stuff, but rather my attitude. It's not that i don't say the right thing but rather the way i say it. Other classmates usually please her with their attitude. I always thought that she would appreciate that i am not a try hard and i don't try to please her when i don't do my homework, that i am not trying to show off what i know. But it turns out that that's what she actually wanted. To make students act smart and state obvious facts that everyone knows, as if they made a scientific discovery. 

    Thanks for the response. I'll continue later. Sorry for my unrelated response. 

  10. Posted

     

    It's been a while since i posted on this forum. I'm even lazy to write about what's going on my mind . 

    I'm  17, male. I have 1 year left of school , 12th grade . I have been following actualized.org since 2015, when I was 14 or 15. 

    I have become more aware of how things work and how brain-washed people can be sometimes. 

    I was constantly criticizing school and teachers for this and that, and i still think it was valid criticism, I should've had a better relationship with them, for my  own benefit.

    Now, even though I'm one of the best german speakers in my class, my german teacher doesn't want to allow me to get the German language diploma. 

    The cause of that is that I didn't do my homeworks, she is obviously not objectively correct,  and I have a mediocre grade 6/10 (Even though others also have mediocre grades). She is an arrogant 60 year old woman and she always assumes everything. She assumes that if you're silent in the class, then you don't know the material. Also the material is boring as hell, and she makes it even more boring. She attaches to certain behaviours certain moral attributes and based on that she decides whether you're a good or a bad student. She is also a fake intellectual. She always just wants to seem smart. She's always committing some sort of logical fallacy.

    The thing is that she is a difficult person for me to interact with. I shouldn't take this as an excuse for not getting my german diploma .  I can get it anyway later but not free, it's like a 100 bucks , but it's still annoying that i get in this victim mindset.  I just hate that i depend on a person that i dislike . I judge her a lot and because of that i have this big ego against her and i can't accept the fact that she has to approve of me, when I don't even approve of her as someone who should be in charge of so much power. 

    So this is one of my problems, I DON'T LIKE TO PLEASE PEOPLE WHO I DISAGREE WITH IN SO MANY WAYS, EVEN THOUGH IT MIGHT DIRECTLY BENEFIT ME . (and it's not like i didn't try to understand their viewpoint)  OR I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO HAVE STRONG BELIEFS ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS AND TRY TO FORCE THEIR IDEOLOGY ONTO ME. 

     

  12. Posted

    Let's begin 

    MY LIFE

    FAMILY

    I want to articulate certain things about my current stage in life, my past and my future. 

    I am a 17 year old male living in Romania, Europe.

    I was raised in a family of artists. We live in my grandparents big, old, beautiful house. My parents had some mental issues. 

    My mom was a painter, she still is, but she doesn't paint that much. 

    My mom takes medication and took in the past. She was "diagnosed with schizophrenia".

    There's nothing woou-woou about it. She's just a normal, but weirder person.  She has moments of sadness, anxiety, moments when she talks to "GOD" 

    and moments of joy and happiness too, but nothing crazy. She makes money by selling her art and she also has a regular small income from the state because 

    My dad also had and probably still has some mental issues. He is old now, 62. 

    He was a french professor for a few years and then a poet. He wrote poems, I am not sure if he still does. 

    He is weird and funny and has the style of a beggar. He has some deficiencies since he got hit by a car when i was like 3 years old ( i guess ).

    He never lived with us and now lives in a retirement home.

    My grandma played the role of a parent for me and my 2 sisters. My grandma had 10 kids and was also a sculptor. She also raised 3 grandchildren : me and my 2 sisters ( with my mom of course ).

    She was very loving and caring. I loved her a lot.  She raised me (kinda) until i turned 13. Then she got a heart attack at 80 and something. 

    I thought she would die, but she didn't. She lived 3 years after that but she had to lay in bed, sometimes sit up to eat. 

    And this happened after my grandpa died, i mean the heart attack. My grandpa was a well known painter in my city, especially amongst older people.  

    I have 2 sisters (25+) . Both of them are very supportive. They are doing well financially and they both have a partner. 

    The thing is that, we are a big family : My grandparents had 10 children, 19 grandchildren.

    I have no problems with my family and i have no hard feelings about them. I always understood how these things work, so I didn't have emotional or psychological problems. Maybe sometimes a was more quiet about these things in school, but that's normal. 

     

    FRIENDS

    I had many friends, i still have, yada yada ..

    I had problems socializing at some points in the past, but that's not a big problem now. 

    I am charismatic, funny and smart. I had amazing moments from when I was born until now. I will not write about them, cause i would get lost.   

    My problem now is with girls. I had this problem of obsessing over one girl, a classmate. I liked her very much but she got a boyfriend. I don't have hard feelings about that, because i understand myself and how these things work. There is no problem really :)) 

    I just need to begin to talk to more girls. I am attractive, but shy and weird sometimes. Sometimes I have moments of anxiety .  

    I have some insecurities about my looks. I am blonde and pale. I got a lot of positive feedback from girls though.  I think I look good. 

    I need to practice confidence. 

    SCHOOL

    I think this education system that we have in Romania has both positive and negative aspects. Yada Yada Yada.. 

    What it could help me with is discipline, confidence, reputation, better memorization skills and some " general knowledge ".

    MY STATE OF BEING

    I think I am more aware of certain things than many people who are my age. 

    I meditated once daily for 2 months ( 60 days ). 

    I was once in a very weird and amazing state of being, when I sm**** some w*** that would be very hard to describe : the end of suffering or " I can do anything, there is no authority" , " It's just happening" , "It's it, this is reality" . I remember saying these things but I am not in that state anymore. 

    I think I have some "addictions"  : masturbation ( i wouldn't say it's an addiction, maybe sometimes i use it that way , but it's just relaxation)

                                                                laying in bed

                                                                Youtube

    I exercise , I am a bit muscular, but still skinny and I eat junk food sometimes

    MY MOTIVATIONS

    Obviously I want to have a great life :)) 

    I am very lazy and I am not sure what skills i want to develop these first years of "adulthood". ( I have 1 year of high school and 4 of university left ) 

    I am thinking of : Film-making, Fluency in english and german, Marketing, Graphic Design, Communication, Programming. 

    I want to be more consistent and more dedicated to my goals. I want to cut out laziness, but also don't want to force things. 

     

    There would be so much more to write about, but i don't feel like doing it :))) That's it for now  

    If you have any advice, then please share it :)

  13. Posted

    There's never a moment where i can say "o yes, now i feel complete". 

    Everything is always changing. My emotional state, my mindset, my desires and my world view. 

    Before, i thought that i just need a girlfriend to be complete because i didn't have one yet. But now i see that usually the guys in school who have hot girlfriends know that they can't ever be complete. So they're not desperate for love, affection and sex. 

    If it comes, it comes. If it doesn't, it doesn't. 

    What do you think, is death complete? 

     

  15. Posted · Edited by Jonson

    I've been to another city this week with my classmates to visit some universities. I wasn't really interested in universities but rather in the new experiences, new people and just having fun. I felt very good with my 3 friends that i spent most of the time with. There were many moments of fun and happiness. But, i also had moments of  some strange feelings of anxiety in my body.  

    Before the trip I thought that i will meet  new girls and have fun with them, possibly find a girlfriend. 

    We are all 17 year olds.

    The thing is that there is a girl in my class that i like. She has a boyfriend. They've been together for 2 years now. Before that, we have spent some time together during school and i fell in love with her. She thought i was cute and cool, but due to my lack of confidence and given the circumstances i didn't get to become her boyfriend. After a year of getting to know each other really well, she got a boyfriend. Then we kinda stopped talking. We had since then many great moments, where we talked, had fun, laughed but just in the way of being friends. I think she likes taller guys though. I am shorter than her a bit, she is like 177 and i'm 175 cm. Whatever.  The thing is that we are attracted to each other occasionally, we have a great time, but i get attached to her and i become needy, that is probably what makes her want to get away from me. I understood these things 2 years ago and i thought that i would get other girls and become so successful that she will want to be with me. But i saw her every day in the class. I couldn't just stop thinking about her. She is very attractive in every way. 

    So we had occasional moments of fun, laughter and "attraction" while she had a boyfriend. Btw i don't know her bf, he is from some other school and i only saw some photos of them together on Facebook. 

    Even though i didn't tell her how i feel directly "i love you" , it was obvious for her and me. She thinks that i am funny and cute and often says that to some of her girl friends. She doesn't look at me as an alpha boyfriend. 

    On this trip we had some moments of being  together but she was more after a guy friend of mine. Her bf didn't come on the trip. Let's call this friend Raz. Raz is like a typical alpha male :very confident, smart and tall. I am also smart and confident sometimes but not like him, i think i have a different style of being. We are good friends and we laugh a lot. She was constantly following him wherever we went even though she has a bf and it bothered me because they had some fun together without me and i think she was attracted to him. Nothing happened though. We were a group so i was always with them, it's not like they two were isolated, i also had fun with her, talked to her and she was interested in me, rather than watching the match with others one night, she wanted to go with me on a walk. 

    It bothered me that they had fun without me. Raz was making jokes and she would always laugh. 

    She was also separated from the other girls so she was the only girl with us 4 boys, of course she will follow the alpha guy. I understand that

    I think it was also the fact that i cared too much, rather than having fun, she would have followed me more probably.

    I should have talked to other girls rather than obsessing about her. 

    I acted as if i didn't care when she laughed at Raz's jokes but i felt anxious. Raz was soo not caring about whether she's there or not, he was not needy at all, she was the one who was always following him. He didn't care, he has a girlfriend. 

    Idk where i am going with this post, i just wanted to express what's going on with ne now cause i can't tell these things anyone else. I am sorry that i didn't organize my thoughts well

    If you have some advice for me it would be nice. I anxious that i don't get my message across or that it's not well structured and boring so you will not read the whole thing

  18. Posted

    It could have stayed alive for like 20-30 more minutes i guess . I'm not sure if I did the right thing or not, but it already happened. 

    Thanks guys for responding so fast . If i think about what I would do if I were in that situation . I would chose the quick death , I'm really scared of dying slowly. 

  19. Posted

    Guys here's what happened . It was just suffering and my dog even bit it a few times . It was dying slowly. I chose to end it . 

    I picked up a huge rock, like 10 kg and I just let it fall on the rat. The rat died instantly. I don't know how to feel about it , I honestly just wanted to end his suffering . It was outside in the backyard , my dogs would have killed it anyways . 

    I feel like I did the right thing , but I also feel like a killer . 

  24. Posted · Edited by Jonson

    My uncle put out some poison for some rats in my house, me and my dog found a poisoned rat and it's suffering. 

    I just don't know what to do. Should I end its life with a big big rock  , then I would feel terrible , but I don't want it to suffer

     

    o.O

  25. Posted

    @Leo Gura thanks for responding to me ??. I didn't try to say that inspirational videos are wrong or anything like that. I like inspirational videos, i also watch them sometimes.  I just had these thoughts,  just wanted to understand some things better, maybe. Idk 

    @Ether this comment made me feel good for some reason :)) 

    @Spinoza yeah, it's probably a very complicated topic and there are many factors to it.