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About Jonson

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  1. Hi guys, i don't know if any of you have heard of this, it's a new tiktok trend mostly among teenagers and i just discovered it. I am kind of surprised and i don't really know what to think
  2. I want to live a good life to be healthy and have good relationship, and i fear this stuff because i don't want to loose it , you know ? Can you maybe give me some calming advice ? thanks
  3. Ok thank you, well that sounds scary
  4. I am 20 in college. So yesterday i smoked some weez, i drank some cola and it was in the morning, i didn't eat yet. I got super high and i got extremely in the moment. I got weird feelings in my body. I had this fear of dying. I also had the fear of getting enlightened. So basically there is always a moment that comes and the past is a projection on the now in a sense. I was feeling very weird and feared stopping to exist. Then it got better but still it was not too good PS: I also had these extremely solipsistic thoughts and thoughts about free will and where my thoughts come from and i got super scared I felt like i will loose everything i know but at the same time i will know everything I have to just put myself together , focus on my studies, get fit, find my passion etc. i should stop bs-ing myself
  5. @Abdelghafar Thanks to you i found this channel " Healthy Gamer GG" and it's so nice and helpful. So many people have problems that i have and i thought they make me weird . It's so cool how healing these conversations are. Relief. Thank you yeah true i feel like i learned a lot through every experience. @Hello from Russia haha hello from germany , thanks i now feel pretty good and i think everything is soo good
  6. omg thank you very much, watching rn looks good
  7. I have this problem of not doing anything productive. I am in the third semester at university in germany. I moved from Romania after highschool to study Media-informatics which is about creative work and tech as well. (graphic design, film production and programming). I only passed a few exams, so i have a lot to recover. I basically wasted all my time like 1 year playing League of Legends, porn, sleeping, smoking weed and constantly watching youtube videos (which isn't necesary a bad thing) and lots of anxiety and worrying about all sorts of stuff and i also don't have a job and my sisters paid for my place and college, they know that i am depressed and lazy and try to help me and it makes me sad that i failed so hard and dissapointed them ( i usually don't tell them this, they always call me and tell me to get a job, which i completely understand because university is expensive + rent , i actually didn't want them to pay me, i hoped that i would get my shit together find a part time job and chill and they could help with some money if i needed but they are literally financing everything a lot of money... and what do i do with all the money and support they give me ? i used to not respond when they asked me how i am and stuff like that because i knew i didnt do my job and i didnt want to dissapoint them, but bcs of that they think that i am careless and i dont appreciate their help which is not true, i rly appreciate everything they gave me but i kinda have trouble showing any weakness to them because they were a bit strict with me when i was younger , i think i got a bit disconnected from them ). Ps: i also have a problem with dating ( i am pretty good looking, charm, had some romantic experiences, but i never had a girlfriend and i am virgin.. i was with a girl once and we were together and i didnt have the courrage to kiss her ) I did make some friends and in the summer vacation i also went home and partied a lot with my hometown friends, i also worked on something that i am kind of proud of which is a party song , it's for fun but still it feels good that i worked on something that had an end result. When i think of what i want to do in life what comes to my mind is working on creative stuff like a song, a movie ( basically art related stuff) but not just that. I am interrested in a systemic reform of society in the sense of how can we make this big system work in sustainable way ( sustainable energy, no polution, healthy lifestyle, fitness, eliminating the cause of illnesses, self-destructive activities / companies ). I know this is very general and basic , everyone knows about this already and tries to do it but i am not sure. I think that with what i do i need to promote a healthy sustainable/ enjoyable/ fulfilling lifestyle cause what else is the point of working if not that. The thing that i also try to understand is the balance between partying (fun activities, clubs, alcohol, weed, festivals) and work ( helping humanity be more sustainable and healthy overall etc. ) For example the trap song that i made. I worked on it a lot with my friend and it was a lot of fun we learned how to produce music. but the music itself is about memes, party, rockstar, sexy girls, smoking.. stuff like that. I don't know how i can do both: How can i make society better while also having some hedonistic elements in my life Ok i think that's enough writing for now. The fact that i wrote this helped me already in reflecting on myself
  8. @Buggz haha i am now 20 and yeahhh .... now i would also tell my 16 year old self to start small, be consistent and patient ... It's so interresting looking back at this
  9. I love this girl. I know it's just a movie but she was so beautiful and attractive in every way. How is this not the best possible thing ever. i felt like this in highschool with my crush and she used to be flirty like this and we would stay together but then she got a boyfriend i am 20 now and i want to get a girlfriend , to have this blissful experience with her xd.
  10. I am so happy for this response . I actually didn't just revolt and fucked up college .. i was just playing league of legends that's why i didn't go to classes. And i was sleeping all day, because i was anxious far away from home lmao .. thank you for the great response ... I need to do something about this. Thank you that for taking the time to read my complaining.
  11. I have been on a decline or just haven't evolved from multiple points of view. My parents had some problems and were unfit. I lived with my mom in my grandmas house. My father didn't live with us. My mom is a painter and my father a poet They were both diagnosed with schizophrenia. My family from my mom's side is huge, my grandma had 10 kids, so i have like 20 cousins. I was kinda raised by my grandma. My mom was with us too. I have 2 sisters from 2 different fathers .. I am 19 they are 30 and 32 now. They became succesful and have their own family. I always had a fascination about life and figuring out how things work. But i was also very shy bad and weird . Now that i look back at it i could call it bipolar. I always had this vision of myself evolving, analyzing everything, understanding everyone.. but i was also very lazy and had an addicing personality. I was bipolar in the sense that i sometimes felt extremely confident, i was very funny, smart sounding, i could vibe with anyone but other times very insecure and into myself, sometimes extremely anxious. I am still remembered as a funny, weird ,cool, loud, shy quiet, smart, dumb guy. The point is that my sisters always used to tell me do this, do that ... learn for this class, learn for that ..and she was always specifically asking me what i did that day. I knew exactly her mindset, her reasons... etc I always wanted to do things alone and figure out my way. She kept telling me that i should follow what she says cause she became succesful. But i never really vibed with her . She used to give me presents and all kinds of stuff and then when i didnt learn or didnt communicate with her she would take it away. And she was thinking that she educates me and makes me develop by learning from her how to work through life. I had a different kind o beeing , different style and a weird sophisticated humour and a perfectionist mindset. I would not do something just becaude i didn't want to make it mediocre but perfect. She always told me that she figured it out through hard work she didn t have someone to tell her all these things but i have her. The thing is that i figured out all these things toooo so i dont need someone to keep me in a fear state because i have to report my achievments , goals and visions to her. My goals,achievements would not be relatable to her. She is totally different. I have a complex vision about my life filled with art, technology, innovation and funny weird stuff. She is a hard worker at a company and his husband is works for a big company too. I just never wanted to include them too much into my life ... but after school ended ... i was about to go to college in germany, but in that last summer that i stayed i wanted to live all the things that i missed out on , like getting a girlfriend and making cool, funny imaptful youtube videos. But of other sister told me that i have to live with her because the circumstances at my grandmas home are not good for me.... so i had to live at my sister which was near the city and i had to take a bus every day just to get in the city to go out with my friends. Again, i couldnt do the things that i set out for myself .. i mostly just went out and drank and smokedd w. Then they asked me about college , and they said i have to go to college and they will pay for it. Which i also wanted to but not that way... i haaaaate it when they push me to do things.... i want to do it by my own initiative , you dont need to tell meeee , they were always explaining to me how life worksss and how i should act. But those were things i already knewwww.. i felt so pushed and not free And after they give me all this stuff they would shame me ... that i get all this stuff which they didnt when they were my age.. and i still dont do the learning at school, the etc... I was motivated to do everything and figure my life out. My friends , my skills , the circumstances. But iii haaaaaated that they kept pushing me as if i didn't know that i need to do things.. i fuckinggg haaate it... Now i feel like i missed out on becoming that interesting , excentric , hard achiever, funny, charismatic person... also because of myself but also because i hate to be pushed... I feel extremely disfunctional.... and i am now dependent on them financially... in my second semester of college. In the first semmesterr i didnt learn and failed a bunch of classes... because i was playing leauge of legends , becaue i didnt like the new place i was in, the people so i isolated and wanted to become an amazing player. Now it is the second semester and they are dissapointed in me that i didnt learn and didnt pass my exams... and always shame me for not doig anything.... now i am at my other sister in my hometown bcs of corona and i am doing the university online. I tried to work online as a graphic designer...but i am lazy and i think its hard. I feel stuck, angry, dissapointed, sad. I feeel like i missed out on many things... and i feeel like i cant become the kind of person i want because of my circumstances.
  12. Guys thank you for all the responses . I am very thankful
  13. When i was 16 and discovered this phenomenon, i thought i will become enlightened in every way and become super skilled and build the best life. I am now 19 and haven't done 10% of what i imagined i would do.
  14. I don't want to do anything. I am bored of college in germany. I just want to chill all day long at home in Romania. I don't want to have to work. Only when i want to. Anyways i still don't understand how life works. How and why is everything the way it is. It's frustrating and scary. The scariest thing for me is getting old or ill in some way. How terrifying can it be to slowly die from an illness ... Idk what to do right now. I just had to post this