Pernani

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Posts posted by Pernani

  2. Posted

    6 hours ago, SonataAllegro said:

    What you may notice if you take the LP course a year or 2 later is that your values didn't change much but your understanding of them deepened. For example, my highest value is truth, but I had no idea what that meant when I first took the course. I have a much deeper understanding of truth now but the value hasn't changed. A value is like a direction, not an ideal.

    Yes, rank them according to how you feel now (when else could you do it? ;) )

    thank uu for ur input

  3. Posted

    While going through the values assessment part 8 (where you're supposed to rank your values based on how much you desire them over the others) I found myself prioritising the different values i have on my list based on what I desire at this current stage in my life! I'm not sure if I'm doing right. I think this approach is appropriate since the things we value are expected to change and morph as we go through life?

    I can imagine that I would have different results if I tried to classify my values based on what find is timelessly meaningful to me, if there's such a thing. Like I strongly feel like I'm currently drawn to the value of Contribution over the value of Beauty, but I'm also half expecting that to change in the future, if that makes sense. 

    How do u approach this? Also, ranking values according to what I need at the moment just feels easier a lot more intuitive. 

  4. Posted

    I'm giving the life purpose course another go (after failing to finish it), and I'm currently doing the values assessement. There's some values that really speak to me (like Passion) but when I think about what they mean to me concretely they remain vague and elusive. Like I can't pinpoint what following the value of passion looks like, because it's almost like it's synonymous with following your values in general (same as authenticity) and it's the whole point of taking the life purpose course.

    I hope I'm not overthinking this. Should you work with values that u feel are meaningful to you but aren't clear and precise in your mind? @Leo Gura

  6. Posted

    3 minutes ago, Gregp said:

    @bejapuskas I truly feel there is no use in this all. I am a random piece of stardust, a speck of dust in time and space. Why do anything? This nihilism is pulling me down, it doesn't feel healthy to me. I feel like I have to watch out not getting depressed.

    No reason to do anything. Why not do things for the sake of doing them? Living life in beauty and happiness is meaningless, yet it's heck of a lot more enjoyable than the alternative (at least that's how I see it)

  8. Posted · Edited by Pernani

    Some excerpts from the article:

    On chess mastery: "There were large differences in mean amount of deliberate practice across the skill groups: master M = 10,530 h (SD = 7414), expert M = 5673 h (SD = 4654), and intermediate M = 3179 h (SD = 4615). However, as the SDs suggest, there were very large ranges of deliberate practice within skill groups. For example, the range for the masters was 832 to 24,284 h—a difference of nearly three orders of magnitude. Furthermore, there was overlap in distributions between skill groups. For example, of the 16 masters, 31.3% (n = 5) had less deliberate practice than the mean of the expert group..."

    "But the data indicate that there is an enormous amount of variability in deliberate practice—even in elite performers. One player in Gobet and Campitelli's (2007) chess sample took 26 years of serious involvement in chess to reach a master level, while another player took less than 2 years to reach this level."

    "In Gobet and Campitelli's (2007) chess sample, four participants estimated more than 10,000 h of deliberate practice, and yet remained intermediatelevel players. This conclusion runs counter to the egalitarian view that anyone can achieve most anything he or she wishes, with enough hard work. The silver lining, we believe, is that when people are given an accurate assessment of their abilities and of the likelihood of achieving certain goals given those abilities, they may gravitate towards domains in which they have a realistic chance of becoming an expert through deliberate practice"

     

    Though Anders Ericsson (very influential writer in the science of expertise, the main subject of criticism by the article) states that the researchers in that article didn't take into consideration the real definition and conditions of "deliberate practice", which according to him is the sole agent responsible for becoming a master at any given domain (except domains that require certain physiological traits).

     

  9. Posted

    I've read all of your replies. Contradictory and complementary perspectives. I agree that even if talents did exist, they wouldn't matter to shit without practice, and that the existence of talents is most obvious in physical traits (body stuff). But whether or not it exists with regards to less material attributes is still confusing for me.

    Leaving the "passion" and "love" factors out of the equation, I think the value of this question is that if it turns out that all strengths are based on previous practice, then that robs them of their otherwise fateful characteristic ; as in, "I was born to do this thing, because of my innate talent for it that is independent from anything else, it is my destiny". And that may also alleviate the anxiety and indecisiveness that may come from trying to locate these talents and trying to figure out how to locate them in the first place.

    This seems to me like it's a question of nature vs nurture, idk if anyone has ever came to a conclusion regarding this question. I don't even know how it's possible to figure it out. It'd be nice to see thoughts or resources regarding this.

    Anyhow, I found this interesting article:

     https://www.researchgate.net/publication/236884283_Deliberate_practice_Is_that_all_it_takes_to_become_an_expert

  11. Posted

    22 hours ago, Nahm said:

    Connecting without expectations. 

    Okay, I thought that you were hinting at the possibility of connecting with another without having them relate to your meanings and the way you see the world. Turns out the only thing that should be dropped of the equation is expectation, and not accepting the fact that it's only natural for others to have their own meanings which may not relate to yours, and that's how you can share yourself without it stemming from insecurity and the need for approval. Sounds simple enough. Great wisdom lies in simplicity as always <3

    22 hours ago, Origins said:

    @Pernani Simulate beforehand, experience the feelings, notice the patterns, determine the answer for yourself. Simulation will reveal the same answers likely as real life in this sense because social is so familiar to you.

    I shared this recently, it might be a useful tool for you in the context of learning about your emotions through the lens of social simulation, and of course, not social simulation to strategically win approval ;) .

    Best

     

    Thank you for the share <3

  12. Posted

    On 4/4/2021 at 3:10 PM, Nahm said:

    @Pernani

    :x

    “The challenging feat of transcending my ego” is a thought. If it is noticed that is not found in sensation, nor can it be pointed to in perception, then it has already transpired. 

    Careful not to create work to do where there is none. It’s as simple as others are not experiencing your goals, dreams, passions and experiences, they’re experiencing sight & sound, and their own meanings. They are experiencing their dreams, passions, and experiences, which will always be primary to them, just as yours are to you. Encourage them, rather than holding expectations over them, and you bring more passion to your own. Perhaps ‘we are in the same boat’, vs ‘why aren’t you finding my desires as important as I do?’. 

    What does it mean to connect with another, beyond the act of expecting them to relate to your own conceptual meaning/values matrix ?

    1 hour ago, LastThursday said:

    Sharing is about becoming more whole. There is no higher goal. The only problem you're experiencing is your thoughts about insecurity and seeking validation and genuine connection. Disinterest is neither positive or negative just another form of sharing.

    Sharing is about becoming more whole... hmmmmmmmmm...

  13. Posted

    On 4/2/2021 at 11:35 PM, Farnaby said:

    I think the important part is to be aware that sometimes it's our ego who is in charge, but I see no need to judge that as something that's bad. 

    What would be so bad about feeling good when you get approval and bad when you feel rejected?

    Or why should you be able not to feel uncomfortable emotions?

    We are a social species and rejection triggers our fear of death so of course we are going to seek experiences that make us feel more connected

    I don't see that as a bad thing. Becoming aware of some unconscious agenda that may be influencing your habit of sharing personal stuff allows you to not get too attached to the need of approval.

    But I don't see connecting through vulnerability as a bad thing.

    I do share your perspective on how connecting through vulnerability isn't a bad thing. But don't you feel like there's some merit from being aware of how you seek approval from others, and thus dropping it? I would rather not be emotionally enslaved to how people think of me and whether or not they give a shit about me, so I envision that if one drops that tendency they would have a lot more peace of mind (and maybe derive more satisfaction from life?). In a sense, it kinda feels "absurd", "dirty" and "inauthentic" to do that.

     

    On 4/3/2021 at 1:13 AM, Willie said:

    Well, to be accepted as is is the ultimate seal of approval, is it not?

    Sorry, I'm not getting your point

     

    @Brittany @Nahm Thank you for pointing out just how much I am identifying with my thoughts and my ego. There's a lot there to digest tho... I'd rather explore ways to raise my awareness of this issue without having to achieve the challenging feat of transcending my ego, but then again the answer might just be that I need to become more aware of my ego and my attachment to it

  14. Posted

    I notice that I do this a lot. For some reason I've always valued sharing things that are meaningful to me with others, seeing it as essential for building meaningful and authentic connections. But I never quite questioned where that desire was coming from till now. I recently had my first psychedelic trip and it was a very meaningful experience to me, so I found myself actively looking through the list of people that I know, to find those with whom I could share this experience with. Then I talked about it to one person, and the reaction I got from them was one of apathy and disinterest, and that felt a bit bad. The lack of approval, the fact that this person saw something that was very important to me as unimportant, mattered for some reason and came with an emotional reaction. That's what made me stop and question my tendency to openly share myself (sometimes overshare): goals, experiences, ideas, passions... If those matter to me, why should it matter if others share my sentiment or not ? It seems that there has always been an ulterior egoic motive under what I thought was a genuine attempt to nourish genuine connections.

    So I guess my question is: How does one distinguish if they're sharing themselves out of approval seeking (insecurity, ego...) or out of a genuine attempt to connect with others without any motives stemming from insecurity and seeking validation ? How does one increase their awareness of this distinction so to speak?

  15. Posted

    On 2/15/2021 at 9:51 AM, Jodo said:

    I only had limited experience with polyamory... I was in a situation when I really felt free and happy with what I became in life and this fulfilment of mine seemed to attract women, too. My libido was sky high and one particular sensual girl opened up what I could only describe as "tantric" sex. No special rituals or anything, just intuitive, out of this world love-making, seeing things, "getting high" from sex, feeling energy flowing, connecting, her having very long (like 10 minutes and more of whole body shaking and twisting) orgasms, I had whole body orgasms, sort of "energetic" ones, etc. We also really felt connected and at ease with each other. A very deep and respectful interaction was going on. 

    I tried to make sense of it all and found it all written in books on Daoist, Tantric, Sex Magick and similar sex practices, but there they mentioned practices and exercises to achieve that, while we somehow tapped into it intuitively.

    I also had zero need to "possess" her, no jealousy, she also expressed her wish to experiment with another female friend of hers, she was attracted to one of her old friends, who was gay, but she thought they could have sex anyway... and I encouraged her to be free, to experience it all, it takes nothing away from what we had... but - when I look back - I was not really in love with her - not deeply - I loved her as a very good friend, I was attracted to her sexually, but never imagined us becoming a monogamous "couple"... Yet the feeling of the moment was really liberating - like we could experience whatever we want, respect and love each other and everyone involved - it was very fresh and special.

    We had a few months of out of this world romance, also some "ritualistic magic" sex ordeals with some cannabis edibles, psilocybe mushrooms and not leaving the house for the whole weekends, only having crazy sex for several hours through the days and night, some resting, sleep and sex again, mutual bathing, food, wine, psychedelic journeys, music... all merging into one incredible sensual journey beyond reason, morality, shame, prejudices, where everything was allowed, everything tried out, us being completely open, transparent in our desires to each other, completely unhinged lust, even transforming into animals in visions - making love like a lion and lioness, making love as Shiva (archetype?), experiencing complete surrender, flow, sexual organs were shape-shifting into different forms and ways of connection - like my penis was "travelling" inside her body energetically, becoming longer, thicker, filling her deep, then becoming leaner and snake-like moving through her, triggering intense sensations of pleasure, bodies merging into one another ... all of that even increased that "tantric" kind of experience. It was not just sex, it was "witchcraft" and I really wish everyone alive can experience that. There's so much more possible in lovemaking than the ordinary sex.

    But there came the time when she had to go to Berlin and I had to go to have some workshops and lectures with other people and we were separated for a while. I was still in that special energy - feeling completely free and open, everything allowed, no jealousy, no possessiveness, I even joked with her on email if she managed to have sex with her female crush and how was it... and I genuinely wished that she had and that she experienced that. But she only wrote to me about how she misses me and about the plans where to go on holidays together, which I was looking forward to, also. 

    While I was with other people there was one particularly nice friend, and as open as I was, she became attracted to me and I felt desire for her. It felt so innocent, so pure, nothing bad meant for anyone, only passion unhinged. We kissed almost by accident one day, the tension becoming too high and we had a wild "affair" in the hotel, the room was shared with some other attendees of the seminar we were at, so we even sneaked onto a balcony at night to have sex, once also got "caught" by one friend, who just left the balcony and we were so lustful that we continued "fucking", knowing she won't come back... We were shameless, joking with our unhinged desire - we talked in dirty words about our lust, being a cocky bastard, she liked to be a "whore", bitch, wanted me to watch her, doing all kind of "depraved" sexual acts with full intensity,  we "fucked like rabbits"... she was even squirting - which I experienced for the first time. But there was absolutely no negative emotion, no shame, no jealousy... I also felt deep appreciation and affection towards her. Like finding another special person with whom we can connect on deeper levels. It was a real feeling of bliss on Earth. Freshness, freedom, love, sexual energy!

    I felt I need to tell my other lover about that, I thought, wow, we have something special going on - everyone is so open, sensual, we can have such a special time on this Earth, enjoying so much together, no one "owning" anyone, all sharing affection and sensuality...  and then - blackout... she was devastated to hear I had sex with another woman, she obviously only pretended to be open and free and wanting to experiment with others, while I really felt this openness and freedom... Then I started thinking if all this was wrong - if I hurt people... was I morally wrong? Selfish? I still felt honest and free, but I witnessed hurting others with my unhinged actions... All of us stopped communicating (they didn't want to hear from me). Then another crush of mine contacted me. A very sexy, but timid girl, who didn't know what she wants - she was very horny, single and not able to make connections to any man for several years, because she was too hurt in the past relationships. We met and (because I seemed to be so open and it somehow translated to others) she overcame her shyness and invited me for a massage (she was doing some training for a massage therapist) I agreed. Of course it turned into another otherworldly love-making session... I discovered that obviously that first girl (or our interaction) opened something in me - some sort of "sexual initiation" and that from now on I had similar experiences with all the lovers who were also surprised and discovered a new way of love-making in our "sessions"...
    The trick was, though, that it also triggered some sort of possessiveness, they wanted to keep that only for themselves, despite declaring free spirit and openness before. It only complicated things way too much. Everyone getting hurt, me feeling like a "gigolo" asshole in the end.

    We talked about these things, but none of them could feel the same way, even though they contacted me, wanted to establish communication again, but ignoring the other girls, like they don't exist...

    I think it is very difficult to have those dynamic relationships and maintain some balance, so everyone is happy and friends with everyone else... At that moment none of them had other partners, so I couldn't test how I would REALLY feel - because it was only hypothetical - maybe I would also become jealous or sad or felt cheated...  

    Anyway - we managed to come to terms later and remain (distant) friends and I connected with another girl later, felt deep love for her, a sense of belonging and it felt like a very deep connection, so we "formed a couple" and live together now.

    I understand this feeling of openness and freedom, but I really don't desire more partners now. I am happy with my "wife" and we develop and grow together. Maybe some of you will find a way to remain in such an open relationship in which everyone is fulfilled and happy, but my experience was as I wrote in all the detail to paint the complexity of the situation (it was even more messed up and tasking).

    I have no prejudices either way. Do what feels right and makes you function and grow better in this world. Be honest and loving to other people in any way you function with them. But even with all good intentions, you could end up hurting others.

    Also - really be honest about your actions -  having more partners to whom you lie and hide others, is not polyamory, Complete honesty and transparency is needed and then you will see if everyone is really happy in that "arrangement" and if it works. 

     


     

    Thanks for sharing your experience. I can relate to some of that, although I relate to your partners who thought they were sexually "open" and "free" only to find out that their emotions say otherwise. Sometimes we can "know" something conceptually while we feel in an entirely different way.

  16. Posted

    22 hours ago, universe said:

    Thanks for your feedback. I would like to encourage you to reflect on this topic and discuss with others. It will help you to build a habit out of integrating your emotions and achieve real Growth fast!

    When I started, I searched everywhere for more information on emotions. YouTube has heaps of great videos on it!

     

    @Pernani

    Yes, when we are triggered it is an opportunity for us to work on what has been repressed in the past. It is a mix of automatic responses, repeating thought patterns and beliefs about ourselves and others. We make a sport out of pushing certain emotions away because we don't want to face them, feel them in our body and let them go.

    That is why I named this topic this way. Everyone has emotions in them that are waiting to be integrated and felt.

    The painful childhood emotions come from our parents and the society we grow up in. Every generations hands down their repressed emotions from one to the other.

    Also we create new emotional triggers with how we live our lives. Emotions are a navigation system and depending on how much we are in alignment with reality, there will be more or less new triggers coming up.

    When you do the practices and work on your emotions. The more you let go and feel, the more triggers will reveal themselves to you. Along with that, you will find that you have less and less ability to create new ones.

    Everything is there by design, for you to see through ❤️

    Great response! Thank you <3

  17. Posted

    @universe Lovely post, thank you for taking the time to write this <3

    You seem very knowledgeable about this topic, so I have some questions regarding the source of emotions and emotional triggers, if you can share some insights: I've read and heard from different sources that the reason that some situations (or thoughts) trigger negative emotions within us is not because of the situation itself (like getting cheated on or treated unfairly), but because the situation reminds us of a painful situation that happened to us in our childhood, in which the emotions were painfully overwhelming that we didn't know how to deal with them and ended up suppressing them. Therefore everytime we get triggered, it is an opportunity for us to release the suppressed emotion from the core traumatic experience that is linked to that situation.

    What do you think about this "model" ? Also if all emotional triggers are sourced in core emotional traumatic experiences in our childhood, then where did those painful childhood emotions that we suppressed come from in the first place? 

  18. Posted

    Distinctions and experience matters here a lot. I also have lots of questions regarding polyamory and monogamy, and their potential for love, connection and fulfilling you emotionally. But to answer that I would need a lot of direct experience on both ends. To weigh the pros and cons of monogamy and polyamory one would have to go deep in both of them, and see which type is more conductive for pure healthy love. And then one would have to be careful not to pass the judgement based on their insecurities or their shadow, for example you could say polyamory is unrealistic and doesn't work because you couldn't handle the jealousy so you stuck to monogamy, whereas when you manage to heal the core of that jealousy and any of your other emotional issues that would cloud your judgement, you will see the real potential of polyamory and it may be even more fulfilling than monogamy.

    I only have experience with going deep in monogamy, which was pretty great, lots of potential for loving connection. Though trying to turn a deep loving monogamous relationship into an open relationship bubbled up all kinds of emotional turmoil within me. I would like to hear the opinion of someone who's gone deep on both ends.

  19. Posted

    Ey I think you did great, not everyone has the self honesty and the balls to expose their unfiltered vulnerable self to someone they just met. Maybe u didn't get sex but I think u did what u wanted, brutal honesty, which is great. At least now you have a reference experience of what it's like to open up and that may prove to be beneficial in the future. The fact she could open up to you too is awesome and shows that she felt safe enough to show her vulnerable side. 

    Just that, if you really want to have sex (and get over being an incel) maybe try to switch up your strategy. People don't usually bring all their insecurities to the forefront on their first date. So hold on to that stuff until you both actually deepen the relationship, if you so choose to. Also don't put up a fake persona that you won't be able to sustain during the relationship, it will eventually crumble, so I'd say try to bring as much of an authentic positive vibe into your first encounters. Good luck.

  21. Posted

    It seems like the spiritual and self help community usually has this idea that to be happy you need nothing outside of what you can give yourself. I'm trying to challenge this idea but idk how im ever gonna reach a conclusion, experientially, without fooling myself. Basically what Im asking is: do we actually need to receive love from outside or is it possible for us to fulfill our desire for love independent of anyone outside of us? If anyone has struggled with this question b4 and has reached conclusion based on experience, please share with me your thoughts!

    Here's some of my thoughts to see where I'm coming from:

    • Is receiving love from another a need? Is having a loving healthy connection a need? Meaning :It's indispensable for our well being, how?
      • Allows us to love ourselves
      • Heals past wounds that create unworthiness and therefore we become complete, self loving, feeling safe
    • It can be indispensable or it can be healing but non indispensable (there's another way to heal that aspect of ourselves and complete ourselves: self love?)
      • Is it possible to satisfy our need to feel loved through self love alone?
    • Is it possible that the feelings we get from a loving healthy connection with a romantic partner, the feelings of love safety and warmth, is it possible for these feelings to actually STICK permanently within us if we get an X amount of them through the relationship. Or are they just momentary?
    • What does my experience tell me?
      • Only had one relationship where it felt like I received that, maybe not enough reference experience
      • The feelings of love did not stick within me. Thinking that love was healing and that it was only supposed to be received from another, I became desperate, needy, hurt, and I suffered.
      • It seemed like I wasn't supposed to need love from another. Because that opened the door for an unhealthy attachment.

  25. Posted

    10 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

    I don't think vulnerability and attachment are related to each other. You can be vulnerable but detached, and you can be closed-off but needy. These two factors seem totally unrelated in my experience. Maybe the answer is that it's not about how vulnerable you can be in a relationship, and it is better to be vulnerable than closed-off because relationships are built on trust and trust comes from vulnerability. Maybe the answer is that you should work on the attachment problem. Generally speaking, attachment and obsessions are coping mechanisms that result from lack. If there's abundance, it's nearly impossible to develop these conditions. Now abundance can be a little bit tricky because there may be abundance in reality but scarcity in the mind, in which case there will be attachment. Like someone who has billions of dollars and still fears poverty. That's scenario #1. Scenario #2 is lack of abundance in reality. Like a poor person who has very little money to live on, so he would have to be very strict about the way he spends it, which would make him develop scarcity mindset because he is in fact in scarcity. And scarcity mindset is nothing but attachment to money, but in case of poverty it's kinda justified I guess, or maybe not, I'm not sure. But anyway, if we want to be practical, the best way to treat scarcity would be by becoming rich. In which case you would have to develop abundance both in your mind and your reality. To develop an abundant mind, you have to develop more authenticity and self-love. To develop an abundant life, you have to work at it by going out and meeting people and getting rejected and accepting the rejection and becoming a more compatible person etc...

    Thanks for your input! From my experience, it's almost rare to find someone you're so compatible with, with which you can develop a deep intimate connection. And even developing that connection is a process that takes time. So how would one go about creating abundance in reality when it comes to that? Cause it's not the same as just going out and hooking up with different people (which I admit, I haven't even tried doing that yet). Or maybe this perceived "rarity" is coming from a scarcity mindset itself.. What do u think?

    8 hours ago, electroBeam said:

    ohhh so what you're actually asking is, how do I fall in love to lose myself ;)

    To elaborate, you can only suffer from neediness or emotional attachment if you have yourself. Let yourself drop away then there's no one to get needy or emotionally attached, you can't be attached as pure emptiness. And being pure emptiness just means to dive into and fully immerse into that love you have for the other person, while dropping all thoughts and beliefs and ideologies and concepts and ideas about what that love is, where it comes from, who you have it for, what it says about yourself, how to get it in the future, why you got it, when you will or did get it, how it compares to others feelings of love, etc etc etc. Just fall into the pure abstract love/feeling of it without all the thoughts describing what it is. Just drop all those thoughts like you're playing a game of whack a mole.

    That's very interesting.. Basically doing your best to just love for love's sake, without creating an identity out of it. What does it take to be able to do that?

    6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

    It's like you bought a dog and are now asking, "But how do I get it to stop eating?"

    That's never gonna happen.

    The entire function of this relationship (why you want it at all) is to fill a hole in your life. So of course if this relationship should ever end (and it always does), you will suffer. The better the relationship, the more its end will hurt you.

    When you sign up for an intimate relationship it is like you are strapping yourself into a rollercoaster.

    That's what a relationship is. And that's what you want it to be, too. You want that thrill and drama. You get off on it.

    So you're saying if one is "full", they wouldn't want an intimate relationship in the first place. What does "full" mean here? Enlightened? Unconditionally self loving?

    In my experience, I get very averted to drama (especially when I notice it in myself). I care more about a genuine connection, I find there's something beautiful in that. But I like how you said "nothing reveals your ego more than intimate relationship", cause I find that very true from my experience too.

    I feel like I'm failing at connecting the dots somewhere lol

    4 hours ago, tsuki said:

    Take conscious ownership of your survival needs. This helps to both alleviate your attachment and deepens your relationship by letting the other person speak of her needs freely.

    Can you elaborate please?