Jannes

Wtf what a terrible evening. So I was just chilling there and then a certain dude from the old theatre club appeared. He was an unholy peace of shit to me in some moments. Whenever he is there it feels like I am getting attacked by some agent whose whole purpose it is to take me out. I think he was open to chit chat but I consciously avoided talking to him any chance there was. I just couldn't.. When he seemingly left he gave me am angry face. That's what I like about theatre though, you can use it to self express yourself. Hours later when I eased into the social mood I was a bit more open to maybe talking to him. Then the girl I was interested in started to be much closer to a friend of her, so I guess they are making out now. I couldn't hook out fast, I wanted it slower which wasn't in her interest it seems. He was smirking a bit as well. All of this combined, the feelings of the old theatre club and the story with this girl, I am just in so much rage. I would like to fight, destroy or cause damage.. .. The wpmi-girl was also there. She seemed so happy, what a terrifying fassade.

Goodness isnt expressed in the form of sweet fluff. Rather in the form of strong and hard values.

Who knows if Biden got elected without his hair. "A critical moment in Joe Bidens life when he decided to get a hair transplant which would make him a more famous politican and ultimately president in the years to come"

I am more opened up now. Even wrote another girl from the old theatre club if we could talk. Feels like the right thing to do even if it is difficult.

I just wanna get high, which is maybe not good

I am so angry at my old theatre club I seemingly starting feeling this chi-ish energy again which I bent and felt through for quite some time. It doesn't happen often that I get to feel it and it was really alien when I first got in contact with it years ago but now I can recognize it. Although I wonder what that is and what I do with it.. It felt like I used it to free myself of energy I held connected with my old theatre club.

I have got a bit of a headache. That could come from stress related to writing the message but also from overdoing it in the gym yesterday. 2 hard sets of stiff legged deads is quite hevy on the CNS. 1 would have been enough but I felt like doing 2. And then heavy sets on the leg press followed. That was the most suffering but I dont even feel anything in my quads even though I felt like I optimized everything. Thats why I dont like to train my quads, even though I would like to have bigger legs, I have to do so much for very little results.

.. I think I created a bit of an ego about leaving the old theatre club and being a victim. And also survival points for that .. I didnt get a message back from that girl. I neither expected to get a message or not get a message.

My mind is going through a very interesting process. It's like I created a sacred line of not going back which I crossed now so a lot of other lines become more vague. For example I thought of getting back in touch with another girl I clearly didn't want to get in touch with. And also it all feels very ugly. Somehow my mind created the combination of a spider and a snake. A snake with spider hair. Basically the most ugly thing my mind could come up with. Wtf!? In a way it's very fascinating though, like clearly it is using some sort of mechanisms right here.

I wrote her. It's late so I am gonna get an answer tomorrow maybe. I just said “funny profile pic ^^" acknowledging her possible apology. It already feels kind of wrong. Emotionally I wasn't ready and I think thats what's important. Or should you step over your shadow sometimes? Idk And IDK what to do with her response if it comes to it, especially if I want to end it immediately.

I found a bit of a fascination for military weapons. IF war and killing was cool, I would be a rocket launcher main, it would give me maximum creative potential. All the things you could blow up to get a tactical advantage. Unfortunately there isnt really the same potential for a rocket launcher in laser tek or paintball.

I thought the walk would make it easier to reconnect emotionally to myself. But nah .. especially the part around that girl whom I could text, there is like a hard block in me. I just cant bring myself to open up to it again in a significant way. I think I opened up the most when the photo was fresh as that was really stimulating, now because that is gone my ability towork through my inner stuff is more difficult because the stimulation is lacking.

I dont have much to do, the weather is great and I am kind of pressured to do choose something. I will take a walk in nature again, its been some time.

And dreamed that I had plenty of people I recently got to know running through my childhood room. This is a very deep sign, as if I let people much more close to me.

I thought about my time in mid school a little bit. I was late on having a smartphone. If I just had a smartphone then my chances of getting a gf would have been so much higher. One girl literally tried to get to me through a "friend" of mine who got jealous and cockblocked me. Is there a lesson to be learned? Like should I get social media already .. ?