Jannes

The smile of this dude still haunts me. I mean its a really great smile, I give him that, but its obviously fake built into this choreographed gesture. Compare that with a fake smile of Donald Trump who cant hide his demons, this is night and day. He still seems immature and pure, wanting the fame badly, not having suffered a lot from the pursuit.

At impro acting today we played more games which involved emotions directly. Most games were more about story telling first acting second, now its the other way around and I feel much more alive. We discovered a list of tons of emotions we could play which was a complete games changer from our previous love, hate, disgust, anger selection. Interestingly all the lines and acting falls much more naturally to me when the emotion is given, rather then the objective. It was also very different because the guy who is at the festival didnt come and he was a bit the soul of that whole thing, so the whole group dynamic needed to adjust a little and it felt a bit like the old days half a year ago or so, when I came a few times. Made a little bike ride afterwards but forgot my headphones so that was hardcore solitude. I mean it was cool as well but the chill music yesterday really made it perfect, relaxing but still just a little stimulation. Now at home I have a hard time coming down. I think just opening up to the emotions there really got me all fissled up. Good acting which involves lots of emotions gets you fissled up and with adhd its harder to get to normal again. Thats just part of acting in theatre, cant blame my old club for that.

I just realized the secret behind styling blue. Blue by default has all these attributes: conformist, boring, a bit childish. So you have to wear blue clothes which have interesting shapes and material. Like cord, leather, baggy and maybe with some extra detail. The first one is a good example, without the baggy shape and detail it would look as boring and conformist as it gets but with the detail everything changes.

Just cut my own hair. 🥳🥳🥳 Kinda messed up, as I didnt get what my hairstyle was. On my right side I didnt have a fade really, it was something else and I cut right over that with 9mm. The transition between top hair and sides isnt really a transition as well, its more of a cutoff. BUT!!! my sides look a lot better, I personally feel I look much more attractive. And that was pretty easy. Its only the first time, I am going to master this. If I do it 100% on my own, it saves me about 30 Euros a month and I dont think my haircut is that complicated.

Okay this is really off topic. Most clothes in blue strike me either as boring (plain blue has nothing to it even though the color is nice), conformist (your typical suit or professional wear is blue) or childish. (babyblue) I like blue as a color but its hard to integrate if you want your outfit too like a little more vintage or artistic. I collected a few examples where people made it work, feel free to add to this list.

I do feel mixed emotions about greeting them in particular yesterday. I did it automatically to avoid conflict, but it chipped away from the relief I felt from leaving the club. I also have anger towards my ex F+ coming up and I rarely experience anger. 'Weak men are dangerous, weak women are lying.' There was a really unhealthy power dynamic between us, I was in complete control. I constantly had to artificially stop myself from abusing my power. But I never got any sort of grounding back for one because she couldnt and second because it would have made the power inbalance even stronger, it was only artificuially maintainted for a while by me being very emotionally ungrounded and holding back and even then not really. And after all of that she still gaslight me, playing the victim, acting like I was making her promises to everyone. No! I was honest before, while, druing and after. There is no capacity for truth in this mind, only room for feminine feel good fluff, this is psycho. I am angry because I still supported her and now I am out of the club and she is in, making taunt suggestions towards the women I dont take because I feel conflicted about it and never had an opportunity to process all of it. I mean sure its much and maybe too much to ask to help a person with something that seemingly leads to your direct disadvantage. This was a war, everything is survival in the end and I played too fair perhaps. Well honestly I could still find a way to connect to some people I am interested in from the club perhaps. I dont want to ghossip about my ex here any further. This is so emotional territory anyway, I bet its full of hypocrisy.

I wonder what the consciousness experience of an embryo being frozen for 30 years is.

I need to go outside tomorrow again!!! This is maybe the best thing I can do for myself, so much fu*king inner clairity. I get some post tomorrow, but I can get it from the station as well.

Saw an old club member walking by. I greteted them, they didnt greet my back as well so I started to roll my eyes when they immeditately greeted me by my name. Theatre people are fast at reading body language. I think they dont know if I hate them, as I just left without goodbye, so they are careful. I just didnt find a way ever to talk about what was going on.

Gosh it's great to be outside, I am just in the middle of a long walk doing a break at the sea. I have to approach this remote viewing thing differently kinda. Well my current strategy is clever of not taking it to seriously but the reality is that if it worked it would be so great that it would change a lot and so it's a big variable. The clever strategy is to find out if it's real or not quickly. Also regarding spiritually, I don't think I am ready yet, I would like to have a beautiful dream. Something simple. (Picture of Logan Paul with energy drinks) The closest thing to a beautiful dream I can imagine is a theatre. When I was in a production I was always really happy. But I realize that I just can't stomach people being very immoral. Like many people from my old club, the degree of cheating, lying was just something else. And I don't even think they are particularly immoral people. So my way out is being more introverted, but I don't want that. ... there is a lot of important emotional inner work happening when you are out by yourself but also our of your room. I want a cool baggy jeans. Most look bad, like stupid and simple. I had a baggy one which was way to big, it had balloon legs. I put that away but honestly it rocked. Want something with the same feeling again. I heard that it is really therapeutic to read through past entries in your journal. I hope I remember to do that when I get home. Still some more thoughts on the walk. I felt my emotions coming back strong and beutifully, just had a beautiful vision of how I could manage a situation with love, felt so at home, so real and grounded. I might have to change my whole relationship towards girls. Leo wrote in his blog that you shouldn't look for spirituality in human games. I guess so.

I just watched an hour of south park from a trial subscription on paramount. My mind feels fried, its very unhealthy to me. Everything that is digital and too stimulating isnt good.

Just bought another festival ticket for in a week. I feel very conflicted, well choices are hard for me anyway. Its the festival the guy of my impro acting invited me to and it feels like a once in a blue moon opportunity to built a friendship with a person I actually care about. And I dont do a lot otherwise atm if I am honest with myself. But on the other hand it feels a bit forced, its expensive and I dont know if I really want to go to another festival, the first was pretty rough. And I fear that maybe when its a bit forced it doesnt go well exactly because of that and I ruin an opportunity for friendship exactly because I try to hard. AAAaaahhhh Spelling out what I fear about it helps though.