Jannes

Thinking about meaning creates a certain happiness in me. Just thought about how hookups make me feel and if I really want that. No, I want something authentic, but its just a ton of karma, raptile brain, horniness, social conditioning, .. mixing in. I hate this idea of being in a christian approved relationship, I want to be with a punk-goth-artist-whitch girl, drawing each other naked, going on adventure, doing weird sex and somehow acting out an authentic relationship even though that was never the goal.

Feels so good to sit on the couch, listen to meditative music and do nothing. It got me thinking though, when I am not taking responsibilities for my actions in dating life, if I fuck around maybe because it sounds cool but is not really true to me then I will end up not being very stable.

Meditation is something I havent figured out for me yet. I need it right now though.

I see it more as a culture war right now. There isnt a lot of space for men today to feel pride in being hardcore and rough and when woke science guys infiltrate their spirit place in the gym they backlash.

I still have mixed feelings for missing an opportunity with the artist girl. Last time I saw her she just came back from holidays and had a blast telling stories about it and I had somewhat of a free invite to join but didnt because the news that she has a boyfriend came just fresh to me.

My friend gave me such an intimate goodbye hug yesterday. I am used to that they are pretty intimate but this almost felt intercourse level intimate. Social people seem to have no problem letting people close to them, for me this feels like overload though.

A girl in our group had her birthday at midnight. I was the only one who didnt congratulate. I am also probably one of the few who didnt know her as well but still. I was looking for any authentic impulse but I just couldnt find one, I felt empty. When I dreamed today I thought about a girl who is friends of the lovebomber girl -- thats how I am gonna call her now, the lovebomber girl, even though she didnt technically did lovebombing all the way. Anyway so I dreamed that she, the friend of the lovebomber girl, would play into a football team and was kind of underrated but was actually a pretty good player. Not sure how that came about but she did some attempts of building some connection which seemed pretty genuine which I value a lot.

Ah men, I feel weird. A bit burned out emotionally.

The one girl who wasnt really my type is now the gf of the guy who went to the festival with me. I cant believe that, he is very good looking, extroverted, fun to be around and now takes her as her gf. Basically the same with his ex who broke up with him and who he still has feelings for. Its a trip. Especially because I feel inferior to him in many ways.

Such a long chill evening. Not at Berlin though. Microdosed a bit which got me thinking. I am trying to be cool and it creates a lot of suffering.. why am I doing that? Duh I dont feel like I am okay how I am. I cant really initiate any cool vibes. Woah that is something I noticed and struggled with for more then a decade though.. maybe thats why I tried pick up.. I can point to whats missing and it feels like a blockade in my belly chakra. Well that naturally desolves in the right environement. I am perfectly okay how I am, I could always find people. Its not that I didnt have success with women before, its just that I couldnt make choices that felt good to me. I spent time with all these people but I never felt like I got warm socially until the very end, when only 3 of us were left. That was so nice though, made the whole evening worth it.

I had three workouts relatively close to each other. I look buff holy shit. Well there are levels of course, but I am very satisfied, nothing needs to be added there for my taste. Only the legs maybe. I can call myself very lucky for my physique.

Plan is to go out and party with a few friends in Berlin today and likely tomorrow. This is a perfect opportunity to let go of complacency. Although not sure if its as good as going out alone. I noticed back then when I went out once and had to basically make all the approaches myself then this would help with socializing for the rest of the week. But also I have learned that I can connect to people by just being myself, not pretending anything. There is truth in both. Maybe I just need to talk to more people I am interested in, in a way of just being myself. Yeah. What am I missing though.. confidence I guess.

Saw a few eyes from girls who seemed to notice that as well. This is so annoying. I am not sure what the game is that is being played here, as I am too involved in it. I would like to not think about it, but when I just relax into it, other people take advantage of it. Thats what it feels like at least. Too selfish to see clearly.

From the old theatre club this one guys gf looked unrecognizable she lost so much weight even though she looked great before. Not sure if he put pressure on her, but he is a player. Maybe I shouldnt let myself get pressure by people with no moral code -- but a moral highground doesnt improve my survival situation, it can only help me not wanting to survive in an egoistical manner that much.

The old theatre club was in a sense a highly compedetive place because everybody was free to pretend there. Maybe thats why this haunts me so much or maybe just in general a club of course includes comparison. ... There is a lot of freedom in having little status because with high status you feel like you need to protect it. But also low status itself isnt protective.