Alex K

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Posts posted by Alex K

  3. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    I'm again at the crossroads. Minimal desires, little thought, some minor melancholia. No books read, no meditation done today. Hard addictions to food and youtube. Why should I care? I do not want to care. I want some company, people who would understand me. I want to be blank. Is it bad to be blank? Why? No desire. No desire. I feel serene and autistic. It's nice, so nice. Higher self tries to come up with some motivations to do something, but it is like leaves in the wind against calmness of my mind - it's so futile.

    Two days I've eaten "sugar, fat and salt" and watched politics marathons on youtube, now I feel as if I drank those two days. It will pass. I do not want to do it anymore. I want to be serene. I want to be with myself, alone. I want to be grounded in being. I want to get rid of these demons. Demons, demons, demons, demons, demons, begone

  6. Posted

    Greetings of the day!

    I got a problem - my wife watches TV shows like big band every evening and it roars throughout the apartement.

    But I really want to generally develop this sitting quitely by myself evening routine.

    I am looking at choices of takling the problem:

    - Buying active noise cancellation headphones

    - Listening again in headphones to some loud meditation music

    - Going to the quitest place of the appartement so that with time noise will not capture my chimp attention

    Ideas/suggestions/stick-to-the-head are welcomed

  8. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    @Moreira Look at you talking about the contracts. Does Leo have any "status" to loose in case he asks us something like for help? Btw, in Los Angeles someone  with the Rubio surname died in a bike crash, another one is hospitilized, unnamed. Not sure Leo would be a fellow member of bike club riding with other 6 people. And he should have jewish/russian surname.

  10. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    3 hours ago, Sprite said:

    Who says there isn't a higher meaning behind healthy connections with others? You? Leo? Why blindly just try to re-frame your thinking and understanding of the world on the teachings of regular people who live and die like all the rest of us? I could be wrong, but that "false feeling" is an empty result of us striving to subconsciously live only for ourselves, our own glory, and our own pleasure while being oblivious and resistant to anything outside of self. If that is what innate idealism is, why would you want to give that up?  

    Not everyone would have any connections at all. It's arbitrary, not absolute. One can imagine himself anything as healthy, higher meaningful or absolute, but it is not. Yes we are ripples in the field of existence. It does not mean we are not robots with an arbitrary evolved mechanism good enough to be aware - like a phone with GPS. I guess Im an example of bad knowledge without firsthand experience. Well maybe Leo could create some video on how to purify yourself from being a desire, will, vision, etc. impotent 

  11. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    13 hours ago, Joseph Maynor said:

    There is an intuition guiding you if you have ears to hear it.  Clarify that.  Let that guide your Spirituality.  That is where your Muses live.  I've always had very strong intuition and have followed it well.  Intuition is the voice of God.  So, you have to realize that Being is *alive* and fine-tune your ears to hear it.  Intuition speaks -- find it and track it like a bloodhound. 

    I've never said anything against intuition, actually I'm working on bringing this autopilot in my life for some time now. Exactly this prompted me to come search for the idealism topics here and it assured me to reviving this exact topic 2 month after all activity had ceased in it. Things like idealism are those impurities Leo talks about in the vid, which prevent us from fully embracing something like intuition.

    Maybe you are advocating usual Leos brute force solutions - just force intuition over everything you've got going between your ears for the last decades and it'll end well. Well I do not buy it neither logically nor intuitively)

  15. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    I guess I have this deep rooted beliefs entanglement: people mean something, there is love, higher ideals of friendship, kinship, honesty, ethics, human goodness, righteousness, glory, heroism, devotion, humor, beauty, harmony, etc.

    And truth is we are meaningless, relatively complex robots with programmed by evolution Loss function on survival and thriving, everything about us is inconsequential. We get together as hives of drones to accomplish survival tasks and special mechanisms call it marriage, caring for children, family, etc. and give it false feeling of higher meaning. Highest hero journey is just a somewhat more elaborate search for a software upgrade on a human robot. The existence itself has no meaning, it has an automaton like nature, even that of an endless automaton. Awareness is just another aspect of the program, just like an ego. Any meaning, like life purpose, is only a mean of programming somewhat different Loss function into this human robot software receptacle input console. Regarding this authentic self as Leo puts it - it is another fairy tail, we are mechanisms, there is no such thing as self, there is no such thing as authenticity, there is no such thing as proverbial shit, only literal one. 

    Under such reality, there is actually no other course of action rather than maximizing pleasure by whatever means available to each specific human robot, like learning to be if it really does give you pleasure.

    For most people I believe if they learned this, gradually becoming a meditator and residing in bliss is the only logical way of action in this world.

  16. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    @Joseph Maynor Yeah I've just watched that bit on. He says that what you get from not working hard is shit and rotting inside out. And missing on some higher pleasures. It seems I'm at the same moment Okay with being lazy rotting slob and not okay with that. Like I hold both things at the same time. But being a lazy slob and enduring long standing consequence is much more powerful in me right now. But I want being not okay with being lazy slob to be more powerful, because it seems more pleasant and overall appealing. Still it is weaker for some reason. I don't get this, this is so complicated. How to understand what I really want. How to purify this into single mindedness instead of fractures. wtf wtf wtf

  17. Posted

    @Joseph Maynor Don't you know this feeling? Like there is something magical, noble, about life, people and things. And in fact there is no meaning and people are evolutionary grouped survival machines under specifics of our planet - there is nothing "romantic" about them. 

    Like when you have something and think of it as a must. Like a vaccine from different illnesses we got as infants. We default to this being status quo. But before them people died by the millions from those illnesses we would never have. And in future every infant would probably have a serum injected so that ego never consumes the mind ad every man is growing up enlightened.

    For me the dearest default position is that there must be some other "noble" way to move forward other than wat Leo preaches - enslaving yourself to some purpose or aim, because to my romantic brain this is simply programming a mathematical Loss function - reducing human to a piece of software.

  18. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    @Joseph Maynor For example I know I believe people should do more for each other than they do. And things mean more then they do. But in reality I myself won't do anything for people because I have energy/time/ego/etc. restrictions on me as a system. And what would be an exercise to define and remove such idealism from myself? I also come across a term of hopeless romantic or rose tinted glasses. Would be good to know how to identify bits of this in oneself and remove them. This is maybe like viewing the world being opposite of a "doggy doggy world"

     

    For example lots of people can think that doctors or teachers "must" love helping people, "must" be nice and understanding when it is very far from reality.

     

    Like in your usual films there are this pure, knights in shining armor characters.

    Like you always think there would be no bureaucracy, like people would behave in an honest way without you shouting/hitting/shaming/suing them, like you would not have to bribe anyone. Like a police officer would genuinely care for your problems, etc.

  22. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    @Loreena I just want closure, I'm sick of this everyday flames, I'm sick of stuggling.

    @Leo Gura

    The problem is if that is true, I do not feel where is the dirt exactly. I think that your exercise of beeing by yourself in an empty room is optimal for me. I can lie down and not fall asleep for an hour thanks to do nothing. Maybe than something shows up. Still this is very taxing on me.

    What type of cleanup do you have in mind?

  24. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    Hi There,

    I've been meditating off and on for a year now, I've reached some aims like giving orders of less f regarding most things. My problem is I have no desire to meditate, no desire for truth, no desire for life purpose and I hate the concept itself of life pertaining to some purpose. It all seems not worth it and very hard. I also would not buy drugs, but I'd use them if I would not be afraid of being caught and sent to jail, so basically I do not want the hardship of getting right info, right supplier, learning stuff, etc.. In short this looks like laziness and lack of desire. And I want to want all these things, I've had some minor experiences of unity after meditation during his year and it was beautiful, I've thought about such things my whole life and lots of what I've thought about without any books, matches with some minor insights from Leo and other people, so I do not need to deconstruct anything, I see this absolute infinity as a natural extension of my views throughout my life.

    I want to want to experience and be embodiment of this stuff but I just do not have enough desire to do anything. Please help

     

    I have symptoms from listening to Leo like:

    - He often says things like "I want every spare minute if your life you asking yourself this and that, contemplate this and that", when I hear it I want to puke and never hear him again.

    - He often says like "This will take you thousands of hours to start to have a taste of this and that" - removes any shred of desire from me and sends me into some intellectual despair.

    So it seems like I'm lazy, ok. But I still have some mindfulness and I observe myself and I just do not understand where does this laziness come from, where are desires suppose to come from, why am I not desiring what I want to desire etc.