flume

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Posts posted by flume

  4. Posted

    My content consumption basically equals zero the past months. I barely watch one video a day, can’t pick up books, online seminars and talks don’t really interest me. Every time I try, I have to stop after 3 minutes. It just doesn’t feel right.

    Where did my curiosity go?

    Nowhere.

    Or did it?

    I just don’t feel like more information will add anything to my life at this point.

    My usual questions are disappearing.

    I’m also more interested in people lately. The effect people directly have on each other, the dynamics that evoke growth and change. That’s stunning to observe. I wonder what my role in all this is. I wonder how I change people. I wonder why the people in my life are in my life and how they’re shaping me. I wonder if I’m becoming more or less relatable. I love observing people. You can just tell what someone is feeling so obviously by walking past them in the streets sometimes. I wonder what excites them. I wonder what they believe in. And how all of that is working out for them. “Energy” is a word I sort of avoided because it always had this new-age-y feel to it but damn it… Energy exchange is crossing my mind a lot lately.

    I love observing how my body's energy seems to change after yoga or meditation, after eating different foods or going certain places. It’s not something I could ever communicate. But there seems to be this underlying field where everything is constantly influencing everything else… It’s intense. It’s almost creepy. It makes nothing boring, nothing irrelevant and I glimpse the miracle that every moment is. Sometimes I feel like I’m the centre of the universe and whatever move I make is shifting the fate of all of existence. Like I get to make a move and then watch the entire world reflect back to me how much love I dare to put out there.

    Life has an eternal quality to it these weeks.

    I wonder if any kind of linear cause and effect type scenario got me to this place. Doesn’t seem right to take credit for it. I also can’t trace my tracks. This is not something I could have willed into existence.

    Or maybe all the handpan music is just making me high af.

  6. Posted

    8 hours ago, fridjonk said:

    I even like scrolling through media to see what the world looks like through god's eyes, completely unjudgemental, and you instantly notice that it's all made out of pure love. All the deaths, tortures, rapes, poverty, all complete love.

    Yeah, try scrolling through the forum when tripping. It's pretty wild. Just reading what people write sometimes makes me feel like I'm standing right next to them, knowing them super intimately. The intention behind every post is suddenly so clear. The energy radiating from words on a screen is so overwhelmingly present. Crazy stuff:D

  9. Posted

    @Average Investor Thanks for the nice feedback, appreciate it a lot! ^_^ I have a mirrorless camera actually. It's great though. Really light weight with an amazing quality for shooting videos. It's a panasonic GX80 I believe, or GX85. Something like that. 

    Next thing I wanna get is a microphone. Do you have any recommendations there?

    @Michael569 @allislove The encouragement is real :x Thanks a bunch!

  11. Posted

    You remind me a lot of myself a few years back. If you were in front of me I’d give you a big hug right now. I’ll just share some thoughts that came to mind:

    7 hours ago, Hanna Luna said:

    I craved (crave) validation from those I look up to highly and those people whose traits I strongly admire whether physical or non-physical (intellect, skills, status, sense of humor, charisma, confidence etc.)

    You can quite literally detach those strings by admiring these (and other) qualities about yourself on a daily basis. Give yourself a compliment, even if just for the smallest things. Something super simple like “Hey, I wrote that really well” or “That was a really funny joke” totally works.

    You only admire in others the parts that you haven’t recognised in yourself. That’s what it means to become “whole”. Taking the hints, recognising you’ve externalised parts of yourself and re-owning them. Psychotherapy can be a good idea. Or check out the 3-2-1 shadow process by Ken Wilber.

    7 hours ago, Hanna Luna said:

    Because where there's confidence there's a sense of control and power over one's circumstances.

    Actually, the opposite is true. Observe true confidence in yourself and others. You might wanna check out Nathaniel Brandens book “The six pillars of self esteem” as well.

    7 hours ago, Hanna Luna said:

    I fear that if I break my ego down or "let go" of the things I pride myself on, I'll no longer have the ability to function in society cause I'll either have a psychotic break or enter a level of depression I won't be able to crawl my way out of.

    Legitimate fear I had as well, and still comes back from time to time. What helped me go beyond this is running in circles for some time, before realising that reality is much beyond those black and white ideas of “ego death” and “enlightenment”. If you can make it into a concept, it's not "it". Psychedelics definitely helped to make me more confused and thus more willing to “throw my hands up in the air”, only to land exactly where I always was. Letting it all go, unhooking completely from any kind of rat race because there never was any.

    Also realising "this doesn't feel good, so it can't be the highest perspective" was tremendously helpful. It's ok to see it the way you see it. Honour your perspective and realise that it's only a staircase, and a more compassionate and holistic view is waiting for you just around the corner, ready to be embraced. Maybe spend some time contemplating what this could be :-)

    The truth always feels good.

    It’s a fun journey. Welcome to the circus. Enjoy the ride. You only got one. Much love!

    Also, here’s an answer @Nahm gave me on a similar thread that really helped me:

    "There are mentions of uncertainty here, and paradox, (confusion) in the sense of a struggle with them. They seem to be regarded as foreign.  Make it your dance partner instead. I’d suggest reinterpreting paradox and uncertainty...re-approaching it freshly, in an appreciative, “what can I learn from it” manor. 

    When both sides of a paradox are looked at for truth, the outcome is the transcendence of both sides, of the paradox. Think of the yin & yang symbol. Generally speaking, with any specific thought / perspective, we are seeing the truth in one side, the yin. Writing down the opposite thought / perspective, the yang, and casually asking “what is the truth in the yang perspective?’...the truth, the goodness, does arise in the mind, and release transpires in the body, and both feel wonderful. Like taking off a five pound vest, as if something unseen was holding us back just a bit. Then something new is noticed in that symbol which perhaps wasn’t before, and that is the circle, which the yin and yang appear to be transpiring, flowing, dancing together, within."

  12. Posted

    Had a little cry this afternoon. I played piano for 4 or 5 hours, worked on a really difficult piece by Chopin. When I was playing it I had a moment where I “dropped through”, I just saw my hands playing but it was like I wasn’t doing anything, just witnessing. I couldn’t believe I’m playing this piece!!! It all seemed so unreal. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard and here I am, playing it just fine. 

    If I’m honest with myself in these moments, I have to say, I have the most beautiful life ever. All the things I envisioned for myself when I was a teenager are here now. Including me, in my wonderful apartment, on a day with nothing planned, playing this piece on my piano. This life is unreal. Love and gratitude fill my heart.

  13. Posted

    Yes I heard similar stories and experienced something like that as well. When I spend my days in mostly meditative practices (playing instruments, gardening, hiking, etc.) I sleep very lightly and I stay much more aware during sleep and while dreaming. No matter how much I physically move, I find that the body actually needs very little rest. It does need relaxation, but you don't need to sleep for that.

    When I make it a practice to connect to my breath throughout the day and consciously relax my body as often as I can, I find that I don't get exhausted/ drained/ overwhelmed at all, no matter the activities.

    Technology, stress and overstimulating the senses have the opposite effect. I need a ton of sleep then and it feels like I "black out" when I go to bed.

    A calmer mind quite literally slows down time, so less ravenous thoughts burn less fuel, you preserve more energy and don't need to recharge as much. Makes sense to me^_^

  14. Posted

    4 hours ago, flowboy said:

    It's very hard for her to feel sexually open and relaxed with you, if she can feel that not  being sexual with you, will trigger you and cause you to withdraw

    Damn. This is so true. I actually read something slightly different at first which is maybe equally true: It's very hard for her to feel sexually open and relaxed with you, if she can't feel that way when not  being sexual around you.

    Which is sort of a tautology but still: Sex is just a reflection of the general relationship (GENERAL RELATIONSHIP:D)

    13 hours ago, Farnaby said:

    I feel responsible, but on the other hand I can't help feeling frustrated when I've been working on myself so I can feel more confidence and embody my masculinity and still feel like she doesn't want us to have sex. 

    Here's the catch. I've been in this situation before. Woman can feel if you're just doing it for them and to get sex. And that's not sexy at all. "Work on yourself" all you want, do what you love in life but don't make these things dependent on her on some kind of outcome, especially not sex. The instinct is real, the turn off is huge and while you might be able to fool yourself for a while, you won't be able to fool her. She knows what's genuine. As paradoxical as it sounds, she wants you to be happy/ embodying your highest qualities completely independent of her. If you can do that, she'll naturally surrender and attraction won't be a problem (if she's the right woman for you).

  15. Posted

    @RendHeaven Thanks so much! Appreciate the feedback and glad you liked it:) 

    Yeah, if I keep doing the videos I really want my own music to be part of it. I'm actually quite good at playing the piano but terrible at playing/recognising chords. Music theory just never stuck with me. So I'm trying to slowly learn by looking up chords and experimenting with them. I wanted something super simple to begin with as I was a bit nervous and had to somehow hold the camera in the beginning as wellO.o So this was a try out. I played around with the chords a few minutes before recording this.

  18. Posted

    So I finished editing an 8 minute vlog last night.

    Just wanted to make a few volume adjustments and add titles this morning. All ready to upload.

    Then the editor froze on me and I had to quit the program.

    Now 70% of the editing process is gone. Just gone. Nowhere to be found.

    :)

    :)

    :)

  19. Posted

    3-2-1 Shadow work, self judgment and body image stuff

    I ate quite a lot of sweets the past days. I was really worked up and ended up mindlessly eating. I only do that when I’m stressed. If you ever see me eating chocolate, I’m almost certainly stressed.

    Of course, the old wave of self judgment tried to grab hold of me. It’s not as intense as it used to be. It’s maybe 30% of that, which is still enough. 

    I used to punish myself with endless workouts and restricting my eating after something like this happened. I viewed myself like a piece of crap if I couldn’t adhere to my ridiculous eating standards. I endlessly checked my body in the mirror, I hid inside for days, then I hated myself even more because I couldn’t throw up. Me feeling terrible/ unattractive in my body controlled so much of my life in the past: I didn't go on vacations, I didn’t go swimming in the summer, I cancelled dates and relationships with (potentially great) guys, I never released anything creative, I thought my opinion is less important…

    All that because I was so ashamed of what I looked like. When people told me I looked pretty I just didn’t believe them. I don’t know how I survived this. Tearing up a little just writing this.

    So hi there darkness, my old friend. I know we’re not done.

    Let’s see if some Ken Wilber X Matt Kahn can tell me more about this situation today. Time to take a deep breath and work with what’s coming up.

    “Dear self-judgment, whenever you come up I feel totally helpless. You’re so powerful, you take over my entire reality. This tells me there’s still something very important to learn here. And I thank you for being here. Even if I can’t see how, I know you’re only here to help me grow.

    I know you’re in a lot of pain. I see you. 

    (crying pause)

    I used so many ridiculous techniques to get rid of you, but I never listened to what you had to say. Of course you didn’t go away!

    So here I am. I see you, I acknowledge you. What would you like me to do?”

    “Stay with the intensity of it”

    “I’m not sure I’m doing it right”

    “You are. Just relax your body and open your mind.”

    “I’m so afraid to let you in.”

    “I’ll be orbiting your field forever if you don’t let me in. I want you to become me.

     

    ….

     

    So… How does it feel to be me?”

    “Mysterious. Dynamic. Decisive.”

    “Who do you, self judgment, visit?”

    “People that think they have their life together. The more certain they are about things, the more I disturb them.”

    “Why?”

    “To make them see beyond their limited view of things.”

    “So what do people do that don’t struggle with self judgment?”

    “They’re truly humble.”

     

    “Why do you keep visiting me?”

    “To show you that your views aren’t correct.”

    “Which views for example?”

    “That your way is the best way to live.”

     

    “What do you want me to learn?”

    “Hold your opinions lightly.”

    “How do I balance that with being decisive in everyday life?”

    “It’s the same thing.”

     

    *MINDFUCK*

     

    “So why did you visit me today?”

    “Because you still doubted that going with your gut was the right decision.”

    “Don’t I turn into an inconsiderate asshole if I insist on my opinion so much?”

    “You don’t insist. You just accept your opinions for what they are right now. 100%”

     

    “How do I practically solve this at work?”

    “I give myself the right to be a regular person just like everyone else. I’m not special. I don’t have to have it all figured out. I have the right to change my mind along the way. I have the right to be wrong. I can’t assist people in their development when I don’t allow myself the same process.”

    *Intense belly ache*

    “So, when I mindlessly eat chocolate, it’s because…”

    “I’m running away from my own greatness.”

    “How so?”

    “By denying myself the greatest gift in existence: To change your mind… To learn… By thinking I should be ‘there’ already. Which is the equivalent of death. You haven’t fully understood why you’re here yet.”

     

    “Why am I here?”

    “To experience things that are way outside the scope of your imagination. And you’ll only get there by leaping into the unknown. Again and again. You haven’t fully realised what ‘development’ really is. You think you do, but you’re just fighting for what you imagine you want to be like. But what you’re becoming is never something you could envision. You can’t imagine it. And going for it anyways, that’s what development really is."

    “So that’s why I’m doubting and shaming myself?”

    “Yes. You’re standing in the way of your own growth. That always hurts.”

    “Thank you. Will you please come back in case I ever forget that?”

    “Yes.”

  20. Posted

    Speaking up

    I don't really want to talk about work too much on here, but something interesting happened yesterday which I can share without too many details.

    I got into a disagreement with some co-workers and realised once again how this project is so dear to my heart. I just want the best for this place. So when they tried making a change that goes in a totally wrong direction (imo), I felt like my baby is on the chopping block. It made me fierce and stand up for myself like never before. I couldn't believe that I was not giving in even when things got very uncomfortable.

    You know, that attitude of “don’t take it personally”? For me it flipped yesterday. I took the entire discussion incredibly personally, which is a funny loop that turns in on itself in the end. I walk away unharmed because I was going "all in". I used to be so afraid of commitment, even the commitment to an opinion. I thought that that was "attachment" that created suffering. But honestly, always having one foot in and one out in everything I do created way more suffering.

    It’s funny how, when I started working, I just wanted to be liked by everyone. That was my number one goal. To not feel division in anyway by being nice and relatable. Right now, I couldn’t care less.

    I wasn't mean or anything, I just stated my truth. This is totally normal for so many people. For me, this is huge. I'm so sensitive to people's moods and worked tirelessly to make everyone happy. This resulted in me coming home totally overwhelmed a lot of the time.

    That's no longer the case though... A lot has changed this past year. And I'm liking it.

    Haha, it’s always very interesting who I become around full moon xD 

  23. Posted

    Spot on advice so far.

    On 18/02/2021 at 6:57 AM, At awe said:

    Edit: Just realized that almost all were Geminis?

    Lol! I had a similar realisation a few months ago: Some psychic told me I should stop dating earth signs. I was like... O.oO.oO.o I've basically only dated earth signs for most of my life. Mostly virgos. And I've always had the same kind of dynamic/ problems going in these relationships. Haha. Don't contact me if you're a virgo xD Jk. Not that I know a thing about astrology, but it's still interesting.

    As for the original question: Taste definitely changes as you develop. I used to be really attracted to depressed guys (and virgosxD) Now these don't really do anything to me anymore. Savior complex is a real thing;)

    The whole discussion also made me think of this:

    Universal-Hot-Crazy-Matrix.jpg