digitalkaine

I found the thread I was refferring to maybe I painted it in a worse light then I had originally imagined. I think I kind of have a better understanding of what was being said. I owe it to this forum for me being able to dramatically make changes in my life. LOA stuff has really dramatically changed my life as well. Actualized helped me understand reality and myself and my emotions. I take it all with a grain of salt but really if I didn't reach out to this forum a year ago when I was really at my worse I dont things would have ever changed so I'm extremely greatful for this community. but I do have a better understanding of what the core is. I guess my whole issue was just seeing radical changes but also feeling the same. The whole reason I wrote this post was because last september after reaching out on this forum a member sent an LOA channel and it was talking about how we are all realities and universes. I had no money but I just continuously told myself I had money and a job I loved I imagined it until I just felt as if it was true. I genuinely felt as if I was any reality I wanted to be just because I believe we are god and to me god is just everything including anything I can imagine. So why wouldnt I be all universes and realities and whatever one I concieve and chose to be in is what I am. Even my dad was trying to project onto me the fact that I was broke. He was trying his hardest to help me but everything he said was just what he had percieved and was percieving at that moment but it didnt feel real to me. I just felt like I had a job and I was able to support myself and that was how it always was and been. Within a week of talking to this forum I applied for a graphic design position on craigslist with no type of degree and got it and I havent been poor since. I also manifested all kinds of other shit since then things are just great 90% of the time. I've been at this place since October but recently they gave me more responsibities. I want to be a good employee but naturally I'm very rebellious and also kind of messy. I made some pretty expensive mistakes and it bothered me which made me start to think that maybe thats kind of who I am. And then it made me think of that post I had read which is why I came here and wrote this.

I can't remember where I read it, but a user was talking about him making changes in his life it was very surface level stuff but I just remember Leo responding by saying "The core of who you are never changes." Reading that really bothered me for sometime now and I'll just be as open as possible I cant determine whether or not it is true and if it benefits me to believe it at all. I was down really bad about a year ago and was constantly posting on the forum asking for life advice because I couldn't break out of the cycles I was in. I got heavily into LOA stuff Joe Dispenza manifesting shit etc. I inquired about manifesting on this forum to which Leo said "once you realize Albert Einstein is imaginary then lets talk about spirituality." which was great to hear once I started to wrap my mind around it. But this one user had told me that the way I'm talking to myself and the language I'm using is the reason why nothing was changing. My beliefs were that nothing was happening and so there for nothing was happening pretty basic stuff. The she put me onto a youtube channel called "Be Something Wonderful." ever since then my life has got drastically better. I went from having no job being poor on the verge of su*cide to finding a career making so much money, meeting so many people, moving out of my house getting my whole life in order basically and I feel like I have to attribute what continuously happens to that channel and this forum. I still struggle however with things and while I still "manifest" I cant come to grips with what Leo meant when he said the core of you never changes. Just because I felt like i've changed. But also I do feel as if there is some truth to that statement, that I dont want to believe in because I desperately want to change for the better. I cant tell if thats really true or if maybe Leo may have been projecting his own limiting beliefs which is fine but its just nice to hear other peoples opinions. I love this place and I'm in a way better place mentally but there are more strides I would like to take in my life. I believe its all already mine right now but then just reality just kind of sets in here and there every once in a while. I would like to believe I can make whatever changes I want and be whoever I want to be. This doesn't mean that I'm not content with who I am. Its cool if I am just this forever and I know that is the case but I also believe that anything is possible and change is inevitable.

Appreciate it. I guess I also get wrapped up in the LOA stuff. Because it feels very real to me but again I also am always skeptical. I just attribute alot of my success recently to "manifesting" spaces and just like really believing I am whatever it is I want to be no matter what. But I also dont want to be delusional and thats how it feels sometimes even though I've seen dramatic changes. Even though I see those changes I still see lingering limiting beliefs and aspects of "who I really am" that seep through. Maybe one day it wont be that way but I do struggle with it when I wish not to. I wish to just be able to believe I am whoever I want to be and move forward with that and not buying into old limiting beliefs or thought patterns that hold me back.

Okay thank you. I wasn't trying to make it into something it was not but again it just stuck with me. I'm just very skeptical I suppose but I want to make changes that would benefit me in my life. Sometimes I feel like a pulling back sensation but I believe I have the power to overcome it so hearing that helps in some sense, appreciate you.

I'm going to see if I can locate it. It was very disheartening to read to be honest but again there may be some truth to what he was saying or maybe some context I missed but I dont remember exactly I just know I read it and it wasnt in reference to grifting. At the end of the day it probably doesnt even matter so long as I believe I can change whatever I want about myself that should be all that matters.

I appreciate you not wanting to gaslight me but, he did def say that on this forum. I wish I could remember exactly where it was but It stuck with me. I even tried to search "Core of what you are." "Changes" etc. I just cant find it but I didn't look to much into it. I also remember the user being bothered by what Leo said and basically kind of saying the same thing I'm saying right now. As for what you said though I think its super valid and I appreciate your response. I do believe I can make complete changes in my being but its just nice to hear it from other people I guess esp on this forum.

Yes. Sorry for not being clear. I've made alot of changes within the past year however, I still feel as if there is truth to what Leo said about how "the core of you never changes." I do not want to believe that. I would like to think I could change the core of who I am and be whatever I want to be. I know this stuff is kind of relative, maybe there are people who change the core of who they are and others that don't. Does it benefit me to take this as truth? or would it be delusional to assume that I could change the core of my being. Mostly because again I watch alot of LOA stuff that is about just assuming whatever Identity you want and again I've made so many changes However I still feel as if there is truth to what Leo said and there is aspects of myself that will never change no matter what I do. I just dont know if it benefits me to believe that.

I recently got sober and was at a bar with these 2 girls on saturday. They were trying to force me to drink and smoke over and over again. This one girl tried to do airplane her vape into my mouth like I was toddler lol. I honestly cant stand being at bars sober but who cares just keep drinking your water its only as weird as you make it.

The way she breaks it down actually makes alot of sense. I've really been into manifestation and law of attraction for the past year especially. I seen some results and breakthroughs but alot of stuff has gone downhill for me so it makes me believe in less and less. The way she describes it in this video however makes it a little more concrete I just dont know how valid all this stuff is. Sometimes I feel like Im wasting my time just sitting there visualizing a better life for myself at times because nothing really seems to change. In fact things probably got worse lmao...

Beautifuly put, almost brought a tear to my eye to be honest. Im just so skeptical it makes it hard for me to have unwaivering belief sometimes. I go out of my way to look up how things like LOA might be a scam even though I believe in it so much. Or I'll watch videos that debunk things that I learned on actualized, or just try to find some way to debunk things that ressonate with me and it really kind of feels as if my descernment has been corrupted at times. I think I do bite off more then I can chew when it comes to the attraction stuff. I do believe I am God and I know subconsciously/consciously/unconsciously I have created this reality I live in. I like the way you put things and I'm struggling to say I will get back to that unwaivering faith I have for myself but I will make it truth, thank you.

It was easier to understand death and everything else as just a figment of my imagination before I got sick. Death became very real after that with the things I've been experiencing for the past couple years. It's became easier to cope however. My ego wants to find a way to squirm out of this stuff so bad and any questions I have I pretty much know how you're going to answer them. Understanding Albert Einstein is imaginary benefits me as much as it doesnt. Meanwhile I have to eat, I have bills to pay, I actually would like to have experiences with my family and also please the shallow aspects of my ego. Understanding that nothing is real leaves me with nothing but the present moment which is fine, but then it wont be long before reality sets in again. In writing this I've narrowed it down to just that. If everything down to my ego is imaginary what aspect of what I am actually understands that? Because I can sit here and understand that my ego is a figment of my imagination, but it's my ego that wants to use that information for selfish gain. Am I simply just imagining that the ego wants to do that? If I'm just imagining my ego will use any information for selfish gain, can I simply just imagine that it won't anymore? Am I just imagining the nature of what the ego actually is? It just feels like whatever I learn is going to be used to just cope and escape. I've noticed this with self help stuff lately, its like learning things is nothing more than a hit of dopamine at this point. Even in understanding that dopamine and my brain is imaginary my ego seems to get off on it rather than actually understand it. But again am I just imagining that my mind is doing that? am I imagining dopamine spikes? I'm imagining you and this conversation, but again my ego just wants to use this to better my physical 3D life somehow. I'm just imagining that my life can get better or worse at all though. I'm just imagining that people rely on me. I'm imagining that understanding that everything isn't real will somehow bring me peace. But even then peace is imaginary. I dont know where it leaves me, but even the notion of being anywhere is just a figment of my imagination. If anything I'm just left with a lifetime full of questions that I honestly do not have the time or resources to answer at the moment, but I think they are very important so I suppose I dont have a choice.

yeah I think being stuck in stage orange kind of fucked alot of things up in my life. As an artist I think my business thrives more when I have a holistic worldview. I can see how just wanting to capitalize off of comission drove me into a really dark place. I get less work I started getting less people hitting me up for art because of my attitude and the way I project and then the art suffered greatly because I was doing it all for money.

this really kind of bothered me at first when i first read it. But after the past week or so it kind of stuck in my head and the more and more I kind of just acccepted it the better I feel in some ways. I feel less neurotic about all these changes I was trying to make and the way I was trying to improve and it seems like it kind of freed up alot of space in my mind to actually focus on things that are more important.

lol this shit is so toxic, maybe we can all luv each other instead

oh god i seen this video a week ago couldnt even make it halfway through. Idk if i would say that without porn this guy wouldnt exist I feel like ppl like this have existed throughout history. I still dont think porn is like healthy by any means but I'm struggling to understand why that is the case to be honest. All I know is typically when I meet someone who advocates for porn I dont usually kind of dont agree with their worldview and kind of just think they're coping. I really try to understand why I'm kind of repulsed by porn stars, people like Adam22, etc. and other people who are considered to live the degenerate lifestyle. I do lean towards more the opposite view at this point but If im completely honest I feel like there may be some kind of hinderance in my psychology just by being so neurotic about consuming porn and while agree with alot of nofap people I also think that its just not healthy to be so anti anything. I know alot of ppl would say like balance is important but idk I just know being so judgemental about it isnt really benefiting anyone.

I do cover art for musicians <3 I wanna get into fine art and fashion though

if you want to help people you can teach me how to make money because im utterly broke lol.

Yesterday I had a very odd experience when driving home from my friends house. I felt like an overwhelming sense of power the best way I can describe it would be as if my higher self was slapping the shit out of me and waking me up. I dont know where to go from here anymore. I've meditated alot. I'm broke and alone. I dont even know if I really want money or a girlfriend anymore. I've had alot of sex in my life. Yesterday during this experience I just felt like this insane amount of energy, I did nofap/porn for like a month and half along with quitting drugs. Then I went back 2 fapping w/o porn then I finally watched prawn like 2 days ago. But stopped fapping again and prob wont watch it for however long. I still have sex sometimes. I feel like maybe the fact that I didnt fap gave me all this energy but I dont know what it was really. I think I might be crazy or losing my mind. Yesterday when I was meditating, I just kept envisioning like a higher self version of myself just beating the shit out of me and forcing me to focus on things that would make my life better. I had so much energy and then today I envisioned the same thing and conjured up that same enrgy for some reason it feels good I dont know why. The thought of a better version of myself sitting there and beating myself up and just being my own master/sensei made me feel stronger and focused and like I wanted to make better decisions and stop fumbling around. The more and more I kept doing it the more I realized that this is basically what edward nortons character experiences in fight club except hes not conscious of it. I started to watch alot of fight club content after that realization and tried to understand what it was about because I relate to it I guess. I keep having this internal battle. I dont want to blame Actualized because I actually love the content but in all honesty it doesnt feel like me. I hear so many people who are probably more unconscious say "I miss the old toxic you." Sometimes I miss that person too. I actually used to really be like tyler durden as cringe as that may be, that was like that was my natural state growing up and in my early 20s then the corporate world kinda swallowed me and ironically I found Actualized by searching how to not care what others think of you. I'm just writing this because I feel this urge to revert back to how I used to be and I can feel it very deep inside of me. I just dont want to be "toxic masculine." but I have this urge to project egoic masculine energy in my art or in certain aspects of my life. I meditate alot and I'm very aware of my feelings but Its been a while since I've been at peace. I think one of the biggest reasons why may be because of my health and financial situation. When all my bills were paid I didnt even have to meditate to actually be at peace and all loving the only thing was during that time I had little to no romantic relationships, idk what it was but like being even i guess semi enlightened was not good for me dating wise I feel like I came off really weird to alot of ppl. I feel like I'm at a point I could easily get a girlfriend which I do want like instictually but I would just hate to waste someones time while being as broke as I am. The thing is I think I have a decent opporitnuty as a felon to make money if I do kind of embody this "self destruction" type mindset and just push through with my art. I came up with a plan that actually may work but I'll just be honest, being all in tune with my feelings and shit is not helping me with focusing on my art while I have little to no money every day. I felt alive yesterday and today when that energy came about and I just want to channel it into completing art. I just feel as if majority people would consider it unhealthy. I also practiced alot of letting go this past week and I let go of alot of shit I kind of stood firm on. I feel alot better because of it. I just get really confused sometimes because people make it seem like all this shit is so wrong, but its not like I want to hurt anyone or even bother anyone but I feel like just by embodying certain things that I'm not allowed to simply exist with that energy. Like I do like the feeling of being dominant and just taking things over and wanting to have control over things and having power, as well as being able to express myself freely, but its not like I want to hurt anyone or judge people or put anyone below me. I would like to have all that stuff to help people and lift people up thats kind of my goal with my art. I love expressing myself but I've always been kind of a leader in alot of aspects alot of people listened to me growing up and for some reason I just feel like the art is just a vehicle to spread a message. And im not like trying to push anything political or in your face or tell people how to live but I just want my art to just make people more conscious I guess or just see things differently or feel things they might have not experienced before.

I have alot of friends that are girls while also not having a girlfriend of my own. I do have some romantic relationships from time to time but nothing ever serious lately. I'm just writing this because I had 3 seperate conversations today with 3 different girls that were all similar and I like I dont want to be an asshole or rude but Idk why they all do and say the same shit. The first girl is my ex whos been with her new boyfriend for like over a year now and their whole relationship is a mess. Today she comes into my room and starts telling me about how she found text messages between him and some girl about how he wanted to give her a massage and then she contfronted him about it and then he broke his ipad over leg and had to go to the hospital for it because he cut his arm. This type of shit happens like weekly and then she just tells me how she talks to other dudes and even asked me if I wanted to hook up with her soon and I just said no. She then started talking about how she felt powerful because she was talking to her boyfriends cousin (while saying this shes getting ready to go hang out with her BF because he threw a fit and wanted to come pick her up). I'm just like how do you feel powerful if you just do whatever he says all the time? She kept going on and im like dude I really dont want to talk about this. She knows I hate hearing about toxic relationship shit so she was like "alright I'll shut up." Not in an angry way but she just knows that im not interested in that stuff. The second girl is my friend who like without my consent basically just starts telling me about this dude shes dating and how like he wont let her break up with him, and I'm just like what the fuck does that even mean? like how does someone not let you break up with them. and then she goes on about how he just shows up to her house and like demands she sees him and then she does it and then like last time she cornered her in her room and was yelling at her. and the whole time I'm like trying to be her friend because it sounds like its abusive but I just dont understand like how it even gets to that point if you dont want to be with him to begin with. Dont get me wrong I got my own problems for sure which is probably why I'm single but when I hear shit like this I'm like wtf. I get being in love and shit but like I really dont understand how you just continuously chose to just do things like that knowing the outcome and then like complaining about it constantly. And then I'm not going to lie it almost makes me feel like I'm in the wrong for like not being insecure or something, but maybe I'm just around the wrong type of people? I really hope everyone is not like this but this is all I see most of the time. Like these dudes get all insecure because they're dating hot girls and then it becomes abusive and the girls act like its such a huge problem but continue to stay thinking they can fix them or something and its just like why even waste your time doing that. truthfully I really dont care if my SO gets attention from men as long as shes like not being blatently disrespectful then I wouldnt give a shit at all, and even if something was to occur where she did do something behind my back I would just leave. I wouldnt like hate her or disrespect her or be petty back, like I understand we're human she doesnt owe me anything and I'm really just usually appreciateive of any time spent but like I dont have to deal with that. It just seems like everybody has an attraction to being in toxic relationships and its just kind of annoying in all honesty. Everyone talks about how they wanna be with someone who is fine with or without them but they continuously chose people who are willing to crash out if they dont get what they want. I'm really not trying to act like i'm the most secure person on the planet either, I have insecurities for sure but I'd really rather do anything then just be in a toxic realtionship where I'm like doing all this stuff that isn't me just for someone to love me.

Thats what I've been thinking too. Seems like hes maturing and giving genuine advice.

I see what you're saying as well. I do appreciate that type of advice in all honesty. I know its not the answer to all my questions because you are right my situation and my psychology is nuanced and complex along with the world and society its not as easy as me just staying fully committed to being the best me. I really dont have anyone that gives that type of advice in my life though so it is kind of nice mostly everyone around me kind of enables me to just be the way I am. Nobody is ever real with me, I'm not looking for like respect or to be coddled I really want an honest opinion or response so I can better understand myself. Sometimes other perspectives really help with that, I feel like everyones too nice and its cool I mean we all need that at times but I'm just interested in seeing things from a different perspective.

I really struggle with coming to terms with what Actualized has done for me personally. I want to be as honest as possible when I say this and try to keep it short. I discovered Actualized in 2013/14 ish and watched on and off for years until about 2020-2021. I was in a toxic and abusive relationship with an ex girlfriend and watching Actualized actually helped me get out of it just by allowing me to love myself and love my ex while allowing things to just be as they are and develop boundaries and respect for myself. I was able to tell when I was being manipulated and was able to set my foot down in many instances and eventually was able to move out and live on my own and have my own life. Looking back on it now it was really minor in comparison to what I'm dealing with now. Everything was going decent, not perfect but better then the toxic mess I was in during that time. Then one day in late 2021 I ended up getting sick and developing an autoimmune disease (Unvaccianted) and since then things have kind of steadily spiraled out of control.(Also when i stopped consuming Actualized content regularly) Firstly, it was really hard for me to understand and talk to other girls after our relationship and getting sick made things 10x worse but I eventually pulled myself out of it and I was even able to date someone briefly for a little while this year. ATP I'm single I would like to be in a relationship ofc and I've come to understand I'm actually deserving of love in any state where as before I kind of didnt feel that way however, I'm in no place to even worry about a relationship right now because of my living situation, health, finacnes. Everything is just completely fucked. I really dont want to come in here and complain but this is the only place where I feel like people might understand where I'm coming from because I feel like everything Actualized has taught has resonated with me deeply and I dont know anyone else in real life who kind of understands reality on this level. I dont frequent the boards. I dont particpate in conversations to be honest I dont even care to, but this place feels like home when things dont make sense maybe because the content itself has helped me through rough times and understand myself better (I'm hoping at least). I really only come here when I have issues and or questions and sometimes I get decent responses. I'm really emberassed to say all this but I'm a felon over some really stupid shit in 2016 I was caught with a tablet of Alprozlam after leaving a party, I would have had a misdemenour however I failed the drug program and it landed me with 1 and half years probation and a felony. Since my felony of course its been hard to find good jobs, but in all honesty it doesnt even matter because I'm so irresponsible that even if I do have a good job I ended up calling out alot and fucking it off because I hate working. Thats not the worst of my issues, I was so broke last year that I actually had to end up moving back in with my ex after not living with her all year. On top of that my dog and her dog ended up having 7 puppies. We were able to get rid of 3 but I was not able to find homes for the other 4 and now we have 6 dogs in a small 3 bedroom house. I do my absolute best to care for them and make sure they get love and attention while i find them homes but shit just isnt really working. I feel like a piece of shit most of the time because I cant believe that I allowed for something like this to happen. I'm dirt poor and my ex is barley ever here because shes usually with her new boyfriend and the house is so dirty but everyday I bust my ass to clean it and all the money I do make making art goes to the dogs and then me buying fucking coffee and meals for myself. In 2012 before I discovered actaulized I was actually on the road to becoming famous and making alot of money producing music for a hip hop group that was blowing up at that time. Then around 2020 I had another brush with success doing cover art for really big artists but ended up just self sabotoging it all away to shit. Now I'm basically like an internet bum boarderline begging for musicians to pay me next to nothing to make art so I can survive everyday. It actually wasn't until today that I realized that the way I see myself is the reason things are the way they are. I'm worth way more then what I charge and I realize that and I actually allowed myself to get to this point. I actually made a promise to myself that I would never sell myself short again when it came to my artwork I dont care how much I struggle. I just want to be as honest as possible so hopefully maybe I could get some decent advice if anyones willing to offer, I'm absolutely retarded with money. I literally got 3000 dollars in the begining of this year and I bought a ps5 and some burberry glasses. I love fashion and more often then not since the time I was about 18 I would have no problem going broke so I can buy shit that I could not afford just to look cool. Sometimes I did make enough money to pay for everything but more often then not Id be working check to check and then spend alot of money on clothes just because I liked wearing designer. I was poor my whole childhood but always liked dressing different and then in high school I learned about designer clothes and ofc I became consumed by it. I dont know how to save I dont know how to do shit but spend. Its been like this since forever. My dad is also horrible with money hes literally in his 50s and hes so perfect and awesome at everything in his life but I can tell he still struggles financially. He bought me like 30 dollars worth of food and gave me 15 dollars the other day and I broke into tears for the first time in like over a year or two because I could tell he didnt really have it but just wanted to help me out. The thing that sucks about this all is I'm so fucking talented that its a shame that I'm where Im at right now. Not to mention I've made so much money over the past decade all on my own. I've for sure made more money than my mom and dad combined just by doing art and making music and I'm so grateful for that shit but I have nothing to fucking show for it and even more then that I feel like I was supposed to help so many people out. I have so many artist friends who make music and are into fashion and I feel like I'm so selfish because theres no reason that I couldnt have built my platform up and then used it to bring them up and now instead Im sitting here watching them do their best and charging them for stuff when I dont even really want to but have to just beacuse I have to eat. I know people see me online and think I fell off and tbh that doesnt really matter to me I always have hope regardless and I dont care about being "on" really. I just keep working and working and working. I desperately just want to live of my art. and not just live but thrive. I have huge dreams when it comes to it and I know everyone who knows me believes in me but I'm my own enemy they can see that too. I cant lie when I say I want to be rich and actually use my platform to influence ppl and just help others and I absolutely believe its possible and if I'm dellusional I dont really care but I've been pretty open and honest with people about this and no ones ever said yeah dude like its time to do something else. When me and my dad talks he never says you need to man up and get a job I mean he does say that sometimes, but more often then not hes just always trying to tell me ways I can maybe find new people to market my art to. My mom does try to get me to get into ultrasound because thats what she does and its stable and I actually agree with her and want to look into it. The whole reason for this post is because I feel like when I stopped watching actualized after I got sick my whole worldview changed. I remeber I actaully had quite a bit of resentment because I couldnt understand how I was supposed to be all loving and seeing death as some sort of illusion when my body was literally turning on me. I went through so much shit and till this day my body does shit that scares the fuck out of me. My heart is completely fucked. The last time it was good was in Feb last year after fasting for over 14 days and strictly eating nothing but fruits and veggies for 2 months. Now its like everyday its palpataions and pain and odd sensations. I want to fast and change my diet but my money situation is so fucked that I cant eat the food I want to. I really got turned off by Actualized and it wasnt because the content was bad but I'm realizing its just so fucking advanced and deep that its hard for me to actually sit there and watch it and think about certain things I dont want to face realities it presents. I'm still into self help content but I can tell nothing really compares to actualized as far as youtube goes. I watch mostly feel good shit/redpill type shit (joe dispenza, Impact theory,hamza, Jullien, owen cook.) and while some of those guys are really good I can just tell that it doesnt really compare to what Leo teaches. I also struggle with an internal conflict which makes me not want to go back to watching it because I would like to feel as if, if my life is good then I feel like it would be insincere if I was only able to attribute it to me consuming the content. I would like it to come from inside whether or not the content is there or not but maybe that takes more time and more understanding. I also tune in anytime Leo drops a new video but the last ones dont really have the same affect but it could also be because I'm constantly polluting myself with so much other shit. I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm actually going to give it another go. I would like to take it seriously as possible but my discernment also makes me feel very gaurded and kind of less open then I originally was when I was first into it. I'm not a psychonaut at all, I've done alot of psychedellics but its never been because of actualized those things have always been seperate tbh. The only time I ever even mixed the two was a time I took shrooms and caught the solipsism episode. The reason I say this is because me and my friends talked about Actualized alot when I was super heavy into it. I stopped hanging out with my best friend of 15 years for like 8 months and when I came back he told me Actualized was a cult after watching a Turkey Tom video LOL. We joke about it now but hes told me I've been in multiple cults especially after I came back and told him what Joe Dispenza was talking about. He just knows thats how I am. The funny thing is when I was really into actaulized before i got sick I could tell the stuff I was telling them was actually clicking and making sense and opening him and his girlfriend up to new perspectives. They changed alot and I feel like it was because of me and I also changed to because of them but its mostly because I was able to be so open. We're all alot less selfish and we actually care for and love each other as friends his gf is feminest communist and im like opposite of whatever that is but we're genuinely best of friends. Overall even though my life is relatively shitty and I want to desperately do better I'm able to maintain a state of peace more often then not. I know people have it way worse. I'm just drowning in my financial situation and need to do something fast because I need to take care of these dogs. These past 4 months I was actually able to quit a 10 year long weed addiction along with quitting vaping and all other drugs which is huge for me because I was a huge drug guy. I spent most of my childhood hating drugs weed especially because everyone around me was always fucking high, my mom, my dad, my aunt, uncles, cousins, grandpa, grandma, friends you name it. I went through most of my teenage years being sober because I thought drugs were lame and I just wanted to be different and then I decided one day that when my best friend got off probabtion I would start smoking weed and I hate to say that I really feel like that fucked off most of the success I was supposed to experience. I used to have so much energy before that I remember I was a different person before weed. Along with quitting weed I quit a 18 year long porn addiction which was super fucking huge for me. I genuienly feel alot better now because of it and I dont think I'll ever go back to watching it. I dont judge it and maybe my mind has kind of been warped by all the self help content I consume daily but I do feel a lil grossed out by it now. I think staying off drugs has helped my art so much I used to take so long to finish clients commissions but now I finish shit so quick and I'm way more focused and driven. That along with the fact that I can meditate for hours daily makes me really proud to be honest. My only issues is because I have nothing else to distract myself with at times I eat really bad especially because I'm poor and I cant fucking stop drinking coffee. Those two things combined are destroying my heart and body i can tell... Sorry for long wall of text, I would love to talk to a therapist but its just not in the cards at the moment and idk like I said Actualized just feels like home sometimes. I dont think theres any right or wrong answers to any of this shit at times but I was watching "How to fall in love with life" last night after not seeing anything in a while and I was just like damn Leo is really on point with so much shit in comparison to alot of other youtubers who while they are helping they do seem like they are trying to sell you something. When Leo puts you onto things he's not just saying yeah this is just a fact, hes saying try it for yourself and experience it and decide whether or not its true. In a sense I almost kind of feel bad because I believe in the content so much that it kind of sucks that my life is the way that it is. But at the end of the day I can tell its because I just wasnt applying myself the best that I could. I'm going to give it another go around. I think it will help me gain a healthier mindset and self image. I dont hate myself like I used to but I just know I'm meant to be "more" and even if thats like a relative concept I just know if I was hitting on all points I would actually be able to live off and do great things with my art which is most imporatant to me. Thank anyone reading this and I love yall, any constructive critism is welcome. sorry for grammar and spelling too. (TL;DR I think Actualized content is way more advanced than any teachings you're going to see on youtube. I can't tell if its a good thing or not but I can genuinely say it has helped me more than mostly any other content I might have consumed. I could be wrong all together but this is just genuinely how I feel.)

I'll be honest this is the mindset I have most of the time. I hate the idea of being a victim and I feel like everything is in my control all the time. I appreciate the inspiriation seriously. I just wish I understood my own psychology more enough to understand what makes me not hit on all points in my life. I've been able to make great strides from time to time but in reality the thing that eats me up is the fact that I'm so irresponsible. I visualize literally everyday and I am big into affirmations. Sometimes they work sometimes they dont and for a while I actually gave up on the whole "we create our reality" Thing but instictually I really feel that way and the only thing that has made me feel otherwise was the fact that I was high and self conscious. I appreciate it though I will make an honest effort to actually do what you mentioned. I know even if it doesnt fix my internal issues it will actually make my life easier in certain aspects.

I feel like at the end of the day theres no real answers or right or wrong to alot of this stuff. I can tell you I pretty much masturbated and watched porn from like the time I was 13 to now (30 yo) I developed a nasty porn addiction while in my last relationship, I was dating a really attractive girl but still watched alot of porn. I stopped watching it about a month ago for the first time in over 15 years and I actually stopped fapping all together at the same time. I didnt count the days of how long I didnt fap but Im sure it was about +25 days. I did get extremely horny at times and had to like sit and calm myself down. Being able to just stop porn completely actually made me feel really good about myself but I'm sure I could have still felt good about myself regardless if I stopped or not. I will say I do genuinely feel like I am not as like awkward and way more confident when talking to women or people in general but that also could be because I stopped smoking weed at the same time. I doubt I'll ever watch porn again at this point, I have my own personal feelings towards it. I dont think its wrong per say but I just feel like its not for me anymore. The fact that I was able to stop vaping, smoking weed, watching porn, and fapping all that the same time makes me feel like I have the power to do anything which maybe sounds kind of lame but I'm just being real. I did end up fapping however and kinda have been on and off w/o porn and it does feel different, I dont feel the shame and guilt I used to feel before. It kind of feels more natural and no where near as draining. I'll most likely do another round of nofap just for the fuck of it. I would like to just stop fapping all together and only have sex but I dont really think it makes a difference either way.