I'm Scared My Mind Is Too Strong, I've Failed My Self

[LRyan]

Guys, I'm really in a bad spot, I thought I was losing my mind today but not the way I want to lose it.  I've been going along in a relatively safe bubble, I'm off work so I have a lot of time at home to myself.. except for the incessant calls from my family with one catastrophe or another. I've been a good student, doing my self enquiry, meditating trying to stay present, trying to not attach thinking to any negative thoughts but today I was thrown into a pit of hell. Everything seemed to boil over, work issues re: money, issues .. work related negative phone calls, trying to find a therapist, physical pain issues, back pain and nerve damage in my legs..I was literally running around the house trying to dig up papers that are needed to be faxed and my cell phone had issues, my tv had problems.

i thought I was doing ok until I realized that my mind must be tricking me into thinking that I have things under control when im obviously not in control or I haven't made any progress. I feel defeated like all I have been doing is a joke. How can everything turn so bad when I thought I was getting better. I just realized how unconscious I've been for the last few days.  I've been asleep and I can't stop it

ive had this nagging thought for a very long time... I want to sell everything I own and walk away from it all and go live off the grid and get the hell away from society and every little destructive thing it does to people.  How will I ever feel peace? It's all I ever ask for is peace and I get only a tiny glimpse of it then it is snatched away from me again. I'm so tired of the  battle within myself.  I feel like I'm on a train to somewhere I don't want to go but I can't get off because it's going too fast.

thanks for reading. I truly appreciate this forum. 

Edited April 12, 2017 by LRyan

[Toby]

It's actually true: you cannot control life and you are not in control of life.

[SLICKHAWK]

Let it go. Walk away life will provide. Only if your head is in right place. 

Ill help you out. I can offer only what i can in support. First i love you. You are special.

Desire is nothing only emotion. What do you want? Nothing.. Only truth maybe a true purpose.

All you will find in your journey. Find yourself on a path forward and do not look or think back. One mind on a journey of life just flowing in one fat fucking vibration of love.

[SLICKHAWK]

4 minutes ago, Toby said:

It's actually true: you cannot control life and you are not in control of life.

Bull shit. You can control you. Lift your hand up. You think that shit happens. You can do whatever you want in the boundary of law. Depending on which law.

[LRyan]

18 minutes ago, SLICKHAWK said:

Let it go. Walk away life will provide. Only if your head is in right place. 

Ill help you out. I can offer only what i can in support. First i love you. You are special.

Desire is nothing only emotion. What do you want? Nothing.. Only truth maybe a true purpose.

All you will find in your journey. Find yourself on a path forward and do not look or think back. One mind on a journey of life just flowing in one fat fucking vibration of love.

Thank you.  I appreciate the love.

I feel very alone with this new suffering today.. and the tears are back.  All I want is peace. I don't care about houses or cars or any possession, I have a comfortable living but no friends, no social life and I don't want anything but peace.  I'm not sure I will be able to maintain peace for myself in this society. 

How does one do this.... I know all of the things we all do, but how do we keep peace, always?  It's always fleeting.

[Toby]

 

[SLICKHAWK]

I have 2 kids full time dad. I love it. Yes social life stinks. However i maneuver with balance use each moment to improve the next.

Each day i wake up. Fresh. Unstoppable. Use energy for truth understanding. Knowledge.

Yes my social life stinks. I dont get laid. And thats what i work on. The weak and strong use both to create balance.

Just fear. Find fear. Adjust fear into your pocket.

[Heart of Space]

This might mean you're about to have a big breakthrough.  Keep trying to keep your practice in place as best as you can.  If you can't that's fine.  Just do your best and try to keep updating the thread.  

[WelcometoReality]

@LRyan These troubling times is a great opportunity to detach yourself from mind. Mind has no problem being still when everything goes the way it "should". But now survival mode is ON. It "needs" to struggle it's way back into the safe zone. Can you just observe the mind doing it's thing without attachment?

@SLICKHAWK Yes in one way there is control over the body, but have you ever had the intention to pick up a glass of water just to knock it over and having water all over the table? If you had any control over the outcome would that really happen?

 

[AlwaysBeNice]

It can be challenging to release all the trauma and attachment, just be patient.

 

[mp22]

7 hours ago, SLICKHAWK said:

I have 2 kids full time dad. I love it. Yes social life stinks. However i maneuver with balance use each moment to improve the next.

Each day i wake up. Fresh. Unstoppable. Use energy for truth understanding. Knowledge.

Yes my social life stinks. I dont get laid. And thats what i work on. The weak and strong use both to create balance.

Just fear. Find fear. Adjust fear into your pocket.

I am in the same situation as you in terms of kids and being a dad. The one difference is that with this actualization stuff I honestly no longer care about laid.  Apparently this is a good thing :-)

[LRyan]

@Toby Thanks, it makes total sense..@Heart of Space Yes,  wont give up to the ego, ill keep trying my best.@WelcometoReality I'm going to be the observer as long as i don't get lost in my own drama I can do that.  As you said, when things are calm everything is fine but as soon as i am tested I seem to revert back into suffering.  I have triggers that are so strong

@AlwaysBeNice Thank you for your words of support.  The video is right on.  i had a laugh because it is what I say to myself....I didn't do it right so I'll try again!!..... I do need more patience but I have to really dig for it.  I'm tired of the trying ....I know I should relax but it isn't practical when you are called on for decisions and actions.

Edited April 12, 2017 by LRyan

[LRyan]

@Dingus Thank you for you point of view, I understand except what do you mean defeat is my companion?  I can actually see the triggers coming and I also see myself getting on the locomotive to hell and it's like if the trigger isn't too bad I can stand back and look at it and not get sucked in but when it is dealing with my work, I have no control nothing, I go unconscious immediately and get swept away for hours then later I can look back and feel like a piece of garbage for allowing it.  I might be judging myself harshly for not being able to stop it.  Then the shame comes in and the idea that I can't control myself.

[Arkandeus]

one good thing whenever you feel scared (sc-ared) notice that you are sacred (sa-cred). 

If you feel scared, feel sacred. 
and remember that fear is False Evidence Appearing Real 
being scared is the the false evidence of being sacred

 

[Christian]

I feel you man. I am in a similar situation myself and it sucks. In our journey, we expect things to be easy and just get better, better better, but then life hits and you are back to square one. That is the way it may seem, but it isn't the truth. All your meditation, self inquiry and other positive habits will contribute to your life on the bigger picture level over years and decades. They are not pointless. 

But there will be times where you fall into a negative spiral and get angry, sad, depressed. Don't blame yourself for it because there is no self to blame and you have zero control. 

I would claim it is part of the process and also a neseccary step for you to realize and explore new "darker" aspects of yourself. Backsliding  happens as a natural consequences of spiritual purification in consciousness work. 

 This video may clear some things up: 

 

 

[LRyan]

 

I get the message loud and clear. I can see what is happening and "I" am still trying to control my self because I'm expecting a certain outcome and yes, trying to manipulate things. I guess I think that all I have to do is act perfectly in the play.   That's the truth of the matter.  

I am no "closer" to enlightenment with all my reading and doing and meditating and positive thoughts and watching my thoughts.  It's all for nothing, meaningless.  Maybe I think that If only I could control my thoughts better then I will never allow a negative one in and I can be victorious in my huge effort to claim peace.

What a joke.  I feel like a joke, a bad prank that I pull on myself all the time.  Problem is, I believe I can see what I'm not but I can't stop acting like what I am not.  The actor is a very good one who doesn't want to give up her role because she is the star of her own movie.  And it's true... somehow the mind still wins and I just fail over and over.  Maybe the next failure will be the last.  What the hell did society do to us and our families to set us so far off course that we have to basically kill ourselves to get back to where we should be.  maybe this makes no sense.  I don't even know anymore.

Edited April 12, 2017 by LRyan

[LRyan]

@Arkandeus thanks for word play, it will stick with me!

@Christian You nailed it, I feel like I am in a downward spiral but nothing really bad has happened so why?  I don't understand how a week ago I felt so clear and good and one day of many challenges and boom, I lose all the good I've been doing.  

My question to everyone is...do you REALLY think we have NO control??  How is that so?  We do make choices every minute of the day.  When you choose to meditate, are you not taking control of your spiritual health.  If you choose not to meditate, are you not taking control to not meditate and not calming yourself down to feel better.

Do you believe that we all came here with a plan that was already in place and now we are simply going through the motions until our body mind physically dies?  Is there absolutely no control in anything?  Maybe that is what I am stuck on.  IF I have some control then I should be able to do things in a manner that will bring me peace...no?

[Bebop]

7 minutes ago, LRyan said:

I get the message loud and clear. I can see what is happening and "I" am still trying to control my self because I'm expecting a certain outcome and yes, trying to manipulate things. I guess I think that all I have to do is act perfectly in the play.   That's the truth of the matter.  

I am no "closer" to enlightenment with all my reading and doing and meditating and positive thoughts and watching my thoughts.  It's all for nothing, meaningless.  Maybe I think that If only I could control my thoughts better then I will never allow a negative one in and I can be victorious in my huge effort to claim peace.

What a joke.  I feel like a joke, a bad prank that I pull on myself all the time.  Problem is, I believe I can see what I'm not but I can't stop acting like what I am not.  The actor is a very good one who doesn't want to give up her role because she is the star of her own movie.  And it's true... somehow the mind still wins and I just fail over and over.  Maybe the next failure will be the last.  What the hell did society do to us and our families to set us so far off course that we have to basically kill ourselves to get back to where we should be.  maybe this makes no sense.  I don't even know anymore.

Sounds like you are pretty close to a breakthrough. Also you aren't failing, you're just not accepting the negative stuff. Whatever you resist persists. 

 

[LRyan]

@Dingus hey, thanks so very much for breaking things down for me as you have! You have been so helpful and your insights are really striking a chord in me and opening me up to a new level of observation of what is going on.  I really appreciate you taking the time to respond like this my friend

i have read everything fully and I am not so worried as I was before, I know if I keep the eyes and ears and mind open to what is happening I will find the peace or be able to open up to more peace.  I will try to notice if I am perceiving something from the old pain thought patterns and give myself a check so I don't fall prey to the negative spiral that takes me down.  I do see the point of having it spill out... it lets me know I am still holding on to the delusion of who and what I think I am or rather that I let myself "forget" what my true nature is.  

I will look at these past difficult days as a some speed bumps on the road.  Maybe I am meant to slow down to realize that i still need to fully accept and surrender to what is happening and not try to fight difficult moments.

That's what I can take away form all the comments I have received from all the great souls on here... helping each other like this... truly uplifting!

 

[SOUL]

There is much made about control...do we or don't we? Can we or can't we?

This is dichotomy thinking. I avoid opposition mindset like hipsters avoid gluten.

I prefer optional viewpoints but you probably haven't heard of them anyway.