Boyfriend being too cheap

[Israfil]

1 hour ago, sholomar said:

I suppose we all have these personality quarks

I'm in a superposition of extrovert and introvert.

[Leo Gura]

@Squeekytoy Don't be a jerk.

[Leo Gura]

7 minutes ago, Squeekytoy said:

Who goes on a forum for advice because their significant other didn't share their chocolates.

You are strawmanning her situaiton.

[Carl-Richard]

I've grown up with an irrational cheapness mindset forced upon me, and it took a while before I realized "but I'm supposed to save money to live life, no? What about living life?". Of course, that is not me being reckless and spending all my money. It's me taking careful steps to assess the places where my cheapness is indeed irrational and where I can open myself up to actually enjoying the life that the cheapness is supposed to serve. Maybe you can inspire a similar process in him (if he indeed considers himself a rational person).

For example:

I eat eggs everyday: should I buy the cheapest eggs or should I invest in something that I eat every day and choose the option that is better for my health (and probably tastes better)? For me, I buy the best eggs.

I live in a small city by international standards: should I walk to class, to the store, to the gym and spend maybe 1-2 hours on that every day or should I invest in a city el-scooter membership where I cut down that time to maybe 15-25 minutes and use that spare time on studying and getting better grades? I pick the scooter membership. If I was really stingy, I would buy my own scooter, but there are practical downsides to that (charging, theft, breakage, parking, carrying). Simplifying practicalities can be a huge time saver, money saver and mental health saver in the long run.

Even practicalities aside, do I want to live a life where I by principle deny myself access to the newest technological inventions and all the functional perks and aesthetic experiences that come with them (even if they don't improve my life in a strict productivity sense, which is highly unlikely, but let's assume that)? Probably not.

Now, what do I not do? I don't buy new clothes unless my old ones need to be replaced (which is a highly limited and basic selection, not Leo level though with the same black/white shirt ), same with my phone, my computer or other technological gadgets. But when I do need to replace those things, I will buy close to the best I can buy (more so for technology than clothes), which goes back to the previous paragraph.

As for engaging in things that might seem expensive to some (like an el-scooter membership), I do factor in other aspects of my budget where I'm less expensive than most people: I don't buy fast food, snacks or drinks, I don't eat out often, I don't go out or party often (and when I do, I don't buy anything because I don't drink and I always eat beforehand), I don't travel often, I don't gamble, I don't take drugs (I used to, which is expensive as fuck), not even caffeine (no coffee, tea, redbulls), and I'm generally not a materialistic person (I generally don't buy "things"). It's good to develop a sense of the whole picture.

All in all, the way to counter irrational cheapness is by consciously examining places where your cheapness is counterproductive to your life.

Edited January 5, 2024 by Carl-Richard

[Raze]

6 minutes ago, Lila9 said:

This is so low, I would have broken this chocolate or thrown this at him and officially cut off this relationship.

Please don't tolerate such treatment from men. 

So you feel entitled to a man’s money and if he doesn’t give it you will react in destruction of property and violence, how stage green of you.

[Carl-Richard]

4 minutes ago, Raze said:

So you feel entitled to a man’s money and if he doesn’t give it you will react in destruction of property and violence, how stage green of you.

One man's Green is another man's Red 😆

[Israfil]

Just now, Lila9 said:

This is more emotionally violent to have a woman who loves you and not share with her a piece of chocolate.

It's not about money, it's about generosity, I don't care about money I have money and I can earn money. There are many ways generousity can be expressed and one of the ways is money. Usually the men who are cheap with money are cheap with everything, including love and sex. 

 

Not cool hitting the guy, still. Just leave. You don't have to lower yourself to violence. He didn't understand words? He won't understand violence either. 

[mr_engineer]

First of all, if we're debating whether or not being cheap is good or bad, in an absolute sense, we're wasting our time. Because there is no answer to this debate. There is no absolute morality, no absolute good or bad. 

@Barbella However, if your boyfriend's 'cheapness' is bothering you, I would ask the question - is he really being cheap? Surely, he must spend his money somewhere, right?! 

What is 'cheapness'? Does he see himself as 'cheap'? And, does he have a problem with it or is he fine with it? Here's my point - if he's fine with it and if you're not, as it seems, the answer is not as straightforward as 'break up with him'. Because, the definition of 'cheapness' is subjective. And, the solution could be as simple as one (or both) of you changing your definition of 'cheapness'. So, even if this is a short-term conflict, it may not be unworkable. 

[UnbornTao]

"Buy your own water bottle"

Edited January 5, 2024 by UnbornTao

[Princess Arabia]

1 hour ago, Raze said:

So you feel entitled to a man’s money and if he doesn’t give it you will react in destruction of property and violence, how stage green of you.

 This maybe the most exaggeration of violence and destruction of property that I've ever seen. Throwing back a piece of chocolate to a man that said you're not worth my $4 chocolate or whatever it costs is a kind response to his remark. If she took the chocolate, smeared it on his furniture and smacked him in the face I could see that as destruction of property and violence. Give me a break.

[Princess Arabia]

1 hour ago, Israfil said:

Not cool hitting the guy, still. Just leave. You don't have to lower yourself to violence. He didn't understand words? He won't understand violence either. 

Throwing chocolate at somebody is not violence. Wouldn't stand up in court and that's a bit extreme. 

[Princess Arabia]

19 hours ago, Squeekytoy said:

Who goes on a forum for advice because their significant other didn't share their chocolates.

Who goes on a forum to cry about not getting laid. 50 -70% of the guys on this forum. Why, because it's important to them. What's important to one might not be important to another. Her issue lies deeper than her man not sharing his chocolate. 

[Sincerity]

1 hour ago, mr_engineer said:

First of all, if we're debating whether or not being cheap is good or bad, in an absolute sense, we're wasting our time. Because there is no answer to this debate. There is no absolute morality, no absolute good or bad. 

@Barbella However, if your boyfriend's 'cheapness' is bothering you, I would ask the question - is he really being cheap? Surely, he must spend his money somewhere, right?! 

What is 'cheapness'? Does he see himself as 'cheap'? And, does he have a problem with it or is he fine with it? Here's my point - if he's fine with it and if you're not, as it seems, the answer is not as straightforward as 'break up with him'. Because, the definition of 'cheapness' is subjective. And, the solution could be as simple as one (or both) of you changing your definition of 'cheapness'. So, even if this is a short-term conflict, it may not be unworkable. 

No offense (seriously) but I laughed out loud reading this  

A girl is saying that a man won't share a $4 chocolate with her and You're saying she should change her definition of cheapness... and that cheapness isn't objectively bad haha

[Princess Arabia]

1 hour ago, Lila9 said:

This is more emotionally violent to have a woman who loves you and not share with her a piece of chocolate.

It's not about money, it's about generosity, I don't care about money I have money and I can earn money. There are many ways generousity can be expressed and one of the ways is money. Usually the men who are cheap with money are cheap with everything, including love and sex. 

 

I don't know about the sex part, that may be the only part he may not be cheap about.

Overall, though, I agree with your response up top. I was trying to be a bit more diplomatic in my response because I was trying to be a bit sensitive towards her situation because it seems like she is in love with the guy. Usually, I'm blunt in what I have to say here and don't hold back, but you beat me to the cake with how you responded. 

If I wasn't holding back, my response would have been a lot worse, and given the feedback you're getting from some of these guys with your response, my third personality would probably have let loose on here and diplomacy would have flown out the window.

[Carl-Richard]

1 hour ago, mr_engineer said:

Because, the definition of 'cheapness' is subjective. And, the solution could be as simple as one (or both) of you changing your definition of 'cheapness'. So, even if this is a short-term conflict, it may not be unworkable. 

If you never buy anything expensive, that is cheapness.

[mr_engineer]

9 minutes ago, Sincerity said:

No offense (seriously) but I laughed out loud reading this  

A girl is saying that a man won't share a $4 chocolate with her and You're saying she should change her definition of cheapness... and that cheapness isn't objectively bad haha

I mean, maybe he believes that chocolate is unhealthy and that it's a bad investment of his $4. Maybe, he would be more willing to spend $100/hour on a fitness-trainer and he'd find that reasonable. And, maybe his unwillingness to spend the $4 on chocolate is being interpreted as 'cheap'. 

I'm not saying she should change her definition of 'cheapness', that that's the solution for sure. I'm saying that it's worth a shot. Also, it could also be that he's just too stingy and he should reflect on it. We're talking to the OP right now, that's why I'm making this suggestion. If we were talking to him, I'd have a different suggestion for him. 

Also, in my culture, 'cheapness' is seen as a positive quality, believe it or not. If you're cheap in my culture, people say 'Very good. You know how to keep your money in your pocket'. Men and women would unanimously applaud 'cheapness' in my culture. I'm not saying I agree with that, I'm just telling you that I have reason to question the negative connotation with 'cheapness'. 

Edited January 5, 2024 by mr_engineer

[Sincerity]

12 minutes ago, mr_engineer said:

I mean, maybe he believes that chocolate is unhealthy and that it's a bad investment of his $4. Maybe, he would be more willing to spend $100/hour on a fitness-trainer and he'd find that reasonable. And, maybe his unwillingness to spend the $4 on chocolate is being interpreted as 'cheap'. 

From what Barbella said, the situation was that he kept the better chocolate for himself and only let her have the cheaper one

12 minutes ago, mr_engineer said:

I'm not saying she should change her definition of 'cheapness', that that's the solution for sure. I'm saying that it's worth a shot. Also, it could also be that he's just too stingy and he should reflect on it. We're talking to the OP right now, that's why I'm making this suggestion. If we were talking to him, I'd have a different suggestion for him. 

Also, in my culture, 'cheapness' is seen as a positive quality, believe it or not. If you're cheap in my culture, people say 'Very good. You know how to keep your money in your pocket'. Men and women would unanimously applaud 'cheapness' in my culture. 

Aight aight, fair enough 

Actually in my culture cheapness can sometimes be seen as a positive quality too. If You have an idea of a stereotypical polish guy they're often seen as cheap.  And there might be something to it. I'd say my parents have been pretty cheap. (but I'm CERTAINLY different!!!! hehe)

Edited January 5, 2024 by Sincerity

[mr_engineer]

Now, I can understand that if you drop all your conditioned standards, look into the situation with an open mind and you see that he has the mindset of an individual who doesn't have enough and who's holding onto whatever scraps he's got, that would concern you. It should concern you, for sure. Because, such an individual has no incentive to question their limiting-beliefs when it comes to ambition and making it big. So, one day, if you get a genuine million-dollar idea which you want to pursue, this individual will hold you back. 

The way for you to discern this is not to look at these isolated incidents in which he's being stingy with spending money on junk food. They are not enough data-points. You have to talk to him about it, you have to look into his past. What he's done for work in the past, what failures he's seen, how he interprets them, how he feels about his accomplishments in life, what he's presently doing about it. Based on this, you can figure out where he's headed in the future. Then, you make up your mind to stay or leave. 

[Princess Arabia]

20 hours ago, Squeekytoy said:

You don't think this is that level of silliness?

Who goes on a forum for advice because their significant other didn't share their chocolates.

Ok he's cheap, I agree. Everyone is something. This is not earth shattering dilemma.

You know we cool and all, but I have to say your comment here sounds a bit personal and biased. Sounds like something in her post either triggered you or reminded you of something in your past personal experience. 

You picked out the most seemingly trivial example of how she was explaining his cheapness and made a mockery of it, knowing well enough that that's not all she was concerned about. Seems a bit biased and picking out parts of her story to try to justify your undermining of her legitimate concerns that really had nothing to do entirely with the not sharing of chocolates. 

What happened, you didn't give some girl chocolates for Valentine once and she dumped you, is that it. 😜

 

 

[Raze]

2 hours ago, Lila9 said:

This is more emotionally violent to have a woman who loves you and not share with her a piece of chocolate.

It's not about money, it's about generosity, I don't care about money I have money and I can earn money. There are many ways generousity can be expressed and one of the ways is money. Usually the men who are cheap with money are cheap with everything, including love and sex. 

 

So you brought up sex as another example. Let’s say a man posts here saying his girlfriend doesn’t sleep with him that often and he asks her once and she says no because she’d rather eat a chocolate. Would you also tell him to break her chocolate and throw it at her than dump her because he deserves better? That she isn’t respecting his masculinity and doesn’t deserve a man because she isn’t giving sex?