Instagram, Facebook: Letting Go Of The Need For Validation

[Saba]

Hey guys, 

I find myself caught between two opposing desires: one, to be recognized and validated among my peers; and two, to be authentic, purposeful, and mindful of time. 

I feel like I can't remain relevant without partaking in the social media parade; without posting photos from a club, or with a clique of pretty girls, or with a boyfriend etc. This desire to maintain a facade has even made me date people just for appearances, just to be accepted. 

And I know how wrong it is, and how silly it is. I post photos to get 'likes' from people I don't even really know, so that I can feel worthy and acknowledged.  

Yet I want to be authentic, I want my life to actually *be* full, rather than just seem full. I want to focus on living my life and forget about what other people think. But then I have the urge to share my life on social media. I know it's a gigantic waste of time, but sometimes it helps when I feel invisible or irrelevant.

And if I'm being honest, I feel like such an anomaly, like such an outlier. Because my peers don't do what I do. 99% of them don't eat like I do (super healthy), or read nonfiction/self-help, or bother with meditation. I feel the more I develop myself, the more fulfilled I become internally, but the more isolated I become externally. And sometimes that leads to feeling lonely, even though I enjoy my solitude. So social media is a way of... keeping a foothold in society, I guess.  

How do I reconcile any of this?

(Not sure this made sense.) 

Saba 

[Joel3102]

Why not keep using social media in moderation to keep in touch with your real friends, but cut out the posting that feeds your ego? 

[Saba]

10 minutes ago, Saba said:

@Joel3102 awesome point! That's what I've been doing, mainly because I need Facebook for school projects and coordinating other things. I just... I don't know, so long as I come across someone else's posts, I still feel insecure and like I need to prove myself.

I feel like my worth (in the eyes of others) is 100% determined by my instagram/facebook. Yet I see how vapid it is. It's so sad. 

Something to work through, I suppose! 

 

 

[Anirban657]

I think you should slow down. Try to slow down the self help work and also the social media. Take a break for a while. Have more compassion for yourself and do the things you love to do. 

[RossE]

I think the more you meditate and self actualize the less you'll do this, and you won't have to force yourself not to. There will be less urge. Your fulfillment levels will rise without external things changing much. I think this applies across the board with "negative habits".

It's very good that you've realised and admitted this about yourself though, that's difficult for a lot of people to do. I think it's one huge reason why people use social media - we like to feel useful and of importance, which of course on the grandest scale we are none of. See how it works? 

What do I propose you do in the mean time? Delete the apps from your phone (sounds like I'm stating the obvious!). Delete some accounts. Look at your phone less. When these urges arise, they no doubt will, just be mindful of them. Does the urge come in the form of a thought, a body sensation? Contemplate why you feel this sense of lack. Contemplate why seeing some numbers on a screen would in any way fulfill that lack. Number 1: don't believe the bullshit your mind will come up with to keep you stuck in your old ways.

[Mondsee]

Yeah, I agree... just close them. It is as simple as that.

I have closed my Facebook a couple of weeks ago, and the only thing it takes is not giving a f*ck about what is going on in those platforms.

I did not delete it, because I have hundreds of friends that I have no other way to contact, and in case some day I need to find them again, they're there, but closing it and committing not to open it again, should be more than enough. As for Instagram, that one you can completely delete, I guess... You'll learn that your life won't dramatically change, just maybe in terms of having more time, nor will your value decrease in any way. Now, if someone considers you less for not being a user in those platforms, well... you'll have found a petty "friendship" you may as well just give up. It's not the end of the world, I swear, again, you just need not to care at all.

Tip: carry always a book with yourself that you really want to read. If you happen to be in a situation where you'd usually take your smartphone and scroll down in FB/Instagram as a zombie, you can take your book instead and read. You'll find that it is a much more fulfilling activity.

[ajasatya]

i only use facebook and i unfollowed all of my friends. i follow some useful pages related to meditation and local yoga events.

[JustinS]

Do we week long camping trip or a 10 day vipassana retreat with no electronics. It may just be old habits that need some tuning. Don't be too hard on yourself. The outer will adjust according to your inner sooner or later.  

[eskwire]

The only social media I had was FB and I deactivated that a couple weeks after the US election. 

My need for validation has diminished. I find myself slightly more open to criticism and able to take advice. 

Think of it as a hamburger. We need some degree of social acceptance like we need to eat.

But we need much less than we realize. It's satisfying to have some family and a couple of friends. 

Just like it's satisfying to have something to eat. 

But you don't need hundreds of "friends" telling you every picture you post is so cute so hot so interesting omg.

Just like you don't need a hamburger with avocado and bbq sauce and onion rings and bacon and cheese and an egg.

Some shit is too much. It's unhealthy and never satisfying. Does the person who eats that monstrous burger say, "Ok! That was super satisfying. Salad for the rest of my life."

No. Instead, salad (all he ever really needed) sounds distasteful and undesirable. He'll want that burger.

Cut back on the attention burgers somehow or get rid of it altogether. 

[eskwire]

25 minutes ago, see_on_see said:

Hamburgers are also so terrible, quantities aside. Nothing beats an amazing salad. It's just that one is used to hamburgers without realizing how much they suck.

Similarly, one is used to Facebook or smartphone without realizing how much they suck compared to an amazing walk in a beautiful place in nature, without technology and distractions.

After the initial period of withdrawal, it's not even about realizing that you don't need it, or trying to cut it out. Rather, you'll naturally feel that hambugers and Facebooks are terrible, and they won't even register in your reality. Like people that stop smoking and later are disgusted by cigarettes.

True. When I see Facebook on other people's devices now, I think, "Ugh, I used to use this shit?" Same thing when I stopped watching tv for a few years. When I witnessed a commercial at someone else's house, it was like being transported into a dystopian future and I was appalled. 

The more aware you are, you more you will want the healthy and be disgusted by the unhealthy. It's really a miracle of kindness from the universe. 

[Saba]

Thanks everyone I have deleted Instagram from my phone, and I'm limiting my Facebook to once a day for administrative purposes. Onwards!! 

[ctro]

Facebook can be a useful tool (to communicate with friends), but it can definitely be a huge source of validation (especially for attractive people). Here is a challenge: Don't post on social media for 1 month, and then evaluate.

[Guest username]

If you feel bold enough, I say quit:

You're not missing as much as you think. None of the friendships you need social media to maintain are going to be high-quality anyway.

 

[Michael569]

Deleting FB and IS is like smashing your hand every time you have a sugar craving. It works but subconsciously it makes you suffer to an extend and your willpower can only hold for so long. Eventually it is likely that something will bring you back. be it your friends or just a simple desire to see whats happening.  

What needs to happen very slowly over time is that you dissolve the part of your identity that craves these things. This is of course easier said than done since we live in a very surface-oriented society. 

I found meditation to be the best habit to very very slowly let go of these petty needs or to do when I get low value consciousness cravings such as PC gaming. However for full release of these needs a very deep and serious contemplation, even hardcore path towards enlightenment is probably needed. 

Also practice mindfulness, allow yourself to browse social media but remain mindful and vigilant every time you do that. Don't go into the state of unconsciousness and you will start to notice changes of mindset

[Magic]

On 19/03/2017 at 1:24 AM, Saba said:

I find myself caught between two opposing desires: one, to be recognized and validated among my peers; and two, to be authentic, purposeful, and mindful of time. 

You get it wrong: You'll gain recognition only when you're authentic. Who gets the "recognition", if this is not authentic you acting? (If a like can be called "recognition" at all.)

Or the other way around: Maybe it is the authentic you? Needy, insecure, seeking validation and appraisal from people you don't even know, let alone their hierarchy of values.

On 19/03/2017 at 1:24 AM, Saba said:

I feel like I can't remain relevant without partaking in the social media parade;

You are totally irrelevant. Whether you exist or not, the reality doesn't give a shit. Acknowledge that and feel how liberating this notion is.

I'd guess your issue is vanity. Realise that you are really nobody and your self-actualisation resides solely in your mind, thus not making you any different to the world outside you. Do this and just do good to others, no matter whether they meditate or not. Nothing forces you to feel outside but you.

Edited March 30, 2017 by Magic

[Stoica Doru]

@Saba I deleted my Instagram and blocked my Facebook back in January - February. I still get little urges from time to time to go back, but they disappear in a couple of seconds. As you increase your awareness, you'll find yourself quitting a lot of inauthentic behaviors, which are quite a lot, considering our addiction based society. I've also put an end to junk food, refined sugar, masturbation and I'm vegetarian for two months now. Meditation causes major shifts in your perspectives, that's why you'll feel lonely at times. You'll be alright in the end. Solitude is blissfulness. The need for validation is a desperate routine, which will end soon enough.