How do I remain calm in all kinds of circumstances?

[Muhammad Jawad]

Hi!

I hope everyone is doing good.

 

How do I get rid of unconscious expectations, reactions, attachments, wants, shoulds, etc?

When I am contemplating, meditating on these things. I understand everything and achieve calmness, silence, and peace.

But in my flow of life, I lose, forget my true state, and start reacting unconsciously and get hurt due to the breaking of my unconscious expectations.

There is a lot of unconscious resistance to "what is".  I am reacting a lot without any control due to a lot of unconscious resistance to "what is".

In the current stage of my spiritual journey, I am feeling lost all the time and lost interest in everything.

Most of the time I am aware but when I am dealing with others I just slip into the loop of selfish reactions...

What is the solution? How do I gain the Absence of resistance to what is?

Most of the time these reactions are just selfish and unnecessary that I realize later with regret.

My Expectations: I will remain calm in all kinds of situations and won't resist "what is" will not mind whatever happens and will not take it personally.  

But Reality: "Oh my God. Who the hell spilled the milk on my Home Office Room Carpet?" I suddenly start to yell at my family full of anger when I saw the milk on my carpet.

Then Regret: Why I reacted like that? What happened to me? Where there is so much resistance? bla bla

I should have the choice of how I should React or not react.

How do I remain disidentified from the mind in these kinds of circumstances and not believe in these voices?

Normally I do not believe in these voices but when there is a rush/storm of negative emotions then I forget everything and start to believe in these voices again and identify with the mind again and start to react from the mind's perspective.

The reaction is sudden. 

I can feel the emotions after my reaction but how do I stop sudden reactions?

There is no time to be wise and decide to feel emotions. The reaction just appears abruptly.

 

How do I remain calm in all kinds of circumstances?

 

Waiting for your help.

Thanks & Regards

Jawad

[Someone here]

Do you meditate daily? 

[Mu_]

@Muhammad Jawad I can totally relate to what you've describe, however my answer is not one that is easy to accept for some.

You don't.  Sometimes you will just yell.  And thats life.  By all means, try and do your best to remain more impartial and broad and not escalate past the point you catch yourself, but, these things just happen sometimes.  Maybe apologize, maybe explain your feelings and why you felt like you did what you did, but it will probably still happen no matter how pure your heart and intent, until maybe one day it doesn't.......

Its interesting to take a step back and realize that different cultures, families and circles of human and animal relationships are more or less inclusive and accepting of degree's of anger, sadness, fear and all sorts of emotions/beliefs and due to such, one will see their own reactions to such matters as okay or not okay in relation in relation to such beliefs and standards.

One interesting thing I've noted in my own journey is how much a little anger or fear or laziness was demonized inside myself after I started pursuing enlightenment and self improvement.  Its almost as if in pursuing/believing in such, I elevated my expectations of myself and what is okay and not okay within relationship.  This new standard created its own pressure and success failure scheme in my own mind/self.

Hopefully thats helpful.

[Gesundheit2]

This is not necessarily advice for being calm, rather more generally for proper actions in all situations:

1. Raise your baseline level of consciousness (increase your IQ and EQ).
2. Be connected to the energy of your surroundings.
3. Do not demonize the "bad" emotions. Think of them as energy tools, and learn to utilize them when necessary. Remember, it's not about maintaining a certain state, rather about taking proper actions.
4. It goes without saying that daily meditation helps a ton, mindfulness, focusing on the breath, etc.
5. Inquire into the expectations that you have and why you have them in the first place, then classify them into categories of different importance. What can you allow and what should not be allowed?
6. Avoid mind-numbing activities, such as video games, alcohol, etc.
7. Avoid multi-tasking at all costs.

[Breakingthewall]

The attacks of anger are usually a symptom or manifestation that you subconsciously feel dominated, forced, obligated, to do things, to have a life that is not your choice. They are usually a cry for help asking for freedom. maybe you live in an environment where everything is compulsory, you are corseted, you cannot express yourself, say what you want, do what you want, be you. the remedy is to free yourself and be the master, the boss, the god, the total tyrant of your life down to the last millimeter. then you see no reason for something as dumb as anger. you are sitting on your throne looking benevolently at the world you have conquered. you need a lot of ball, that's true, but what else you could do? be an idiot?

 

[Muhammad Jawad]

3 hours ago, Someone here said:

Do you meditate daily? 

Yes

[Muhammad Jawad]

2 hours ago, Mu_ said:

I can totally relate to what you've describe, however my answer is not one that is easy to accept for some.

Ok..

2 hours ago, Mu_ said:

You don't.

What? I mean...Why? Then what is the goal of spirituality, knowing oneself?

2 hours ago, Mu_ said:

By all means, try and do your best to remain more impartial and broad and not escalate past the point you catch yourself, but, these things just happen sometimes.

Right..

2 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Maybe apologize, maybe explain your feelings and why you felt like you did what you did

Ok..

2 hours ago, Mu_ said:

but it will probably still happen no matter how pure your heart and intent, until maybe one day it doesn't.......

What does that mean? I mean how?

2 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Its interesting to take a step back and realize that different cultures, families and circles of human and animal relationships are more or less inclusive and accepting of degree's of anger, sadness, fear and all sorts of emotions/beliefs and due to such, one will see their own reactions to such matters as okay or not okay in relation in relation to such beliefs and standards.

Right. Ok...

2 hours ago, Mu_ said:

One interesting thing I've noted in my own journey is how much a little anger or fear or laziness was demonized inside myself after I started pursuing enlightenment and self improvement.

Yes, Laziness is one more thing that is being more and more empowering on me on this journey.

2 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Its almost as if in pursuing/believing in such, I elevated my expectations of myself and what is okay and not okay within relationship. 

Right..

2 hours ago, Mu_ said:

This new standard created its own pressure and success failure scheme in my own mind/self.

OK...

2 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Hopefully thats helpful.

Yes, your response was very helpfull.

 

Thanks a lot 

[Muhammad Jawad]

2 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

This is not necessarily advice for being calm, rather more generally for proper actions in all situations:

1. Raise your baseline level of consciousness (increase your IQ and EQ).
2. Be connected to the energy of your surroundings.
3. Do not demonize the "bad" emotions. Think of them as energy tools, and learn to utilize them when necessary. Remember, it's not about maintaining a certain state, rather about taking proper actions.
4. It goes without saying that daily meditation helps a ton, mindfulness, focusing on the breath, etc.
5. Inquire into the expectations that you have and why you have them in the first place, then classify them into categories of different importance. What can you allow and what should not be allowed?
6. Avoid mind-numbing activities, such as video games, alcohol, etc.
7. Avoid multi-tasking at all costs.

These are really Great Points. I will surely work on them.

Thanks a lot for the help

[Muhammad Jawad]

1 hour ago, Breakingthewall said:

The attacks of anger are usually a symptom or manifestation that you subconsciously feel dominated, forced, obligated, to do things, to have a life that is not your choice. They are usually a cry for help asking for freedom. maybe you live in an environment where everything is compulsory, you are corseted, you cannot express yourself, say what you want, do what you want, be you. the remedy is to free yourself and be the master, the boss, the god, the total tyrant of your life down to the last millimeter. then you see no reason for something as dumb as anger. you are sitting on your throne looking benevolently at the world you have conquered. you need a lot of ball, that's true, but what else you could do? be an idiot?

 

You are right but to impose my wants on others forcefully is not love & compassion. 

[Mu_]

@Muhammad Jawad answering your two questions. 
 

the how, why and when something changes is always a mystery.

Look at your own life. For example when someone explains something to you and you don’t get what they are saying, why is that?  Sure you come up with many reasons that feel so, perhaps it was the words or the analogy’s or metaphors, but if you look really deeply you may come to at least a “not 100% sure”.
 

Or when you finally learned math or a language or solved a problem, you can generally feel like it was done because of something in particular, or an idea at the last second that completed the solving or understanding, but again if you look deeply, you will find no 100% certainty. Often that last thought or understanding that solved confusion just arose when it did at that moment for reasons unseen. This is the mystery I’m alluding to when I said as you practice good intentions and effort one day things may just click, but again we are never sure when and why it happens, perhaps it appeared due to be practice perhaps not.

So I say it’s best to put good intentions forward and let what will be, be. 
 

other teachers may say there’s no one to do such so such efforts, they are an illusion and pointless, so drop all doing or trying. And then there is the last camp that says everything’s in our ultimate control. In the end it’s a mystery really. 

Edited October 22, 2022 by Mu_

[dorg]

@Muhammad Jawad  it sounds like you do not want to be who you are (currently).

 

[BipolarGrowth]

Life just happens and you (meaning the sensations of body and mind) are a part of that. You are not in control in any grand sense. Resistance to all of these negative states, behaviors, and reactions comes mostly from feeling like you are a real, continuous entity which can affect how that actually fabricated, spontaneously arising and passing entity plays itself out. 
 

I think it ultimately comes down to seeing what you actually are with deep, penetrating, and relatively “permanent” insight which stops or significantly reduces your ability to resist. The odd thing about stopping the resistance to the resistance you feel at a sort of meta level will usually calm you down in tangible and helpful ways which make your life more successful in a practical as well as spiritual sense. 
 

I was listening to a Taoist master on Guru Viking (pretty high quality YouTube channel in podcast format), and he said that Taoism isn’t about becoming a God. It’s more or less about being the only thing you actually can be which is the true-to-life authentic expression of yourself. You can’t ever go against that expression. You can appear to fight with yourself to change this or that behavior, but all of that is ultimately just more authentic expression that can’t help but be 100% spot on authentic in every moment possible. 
 

I guess my main “advice” for your questions is to relax into what and who you are.

You can only imagine that you are resisting that flow. You can’t actually resist that flow of things. As things stand now, you (meaning the sensations of the body/mind in this context) are a pretty large portion of “what is”, and if you can’t allow yourself to do and be what your karmic (meaning cause and effect in a pretty non-mystical way) conditions set you to be, you will always feel to be in a more or less big mess of resistance. 
 

You are what and who you are, and you can’t do much but realize that that is ultimately just fine if you are allowed to express your nature which was handed to you in the way that nature is going to express itself whether you feel to be on board with it or not. 
 

These should both be very helpful if you find what I said to resonate. 

 

Edited October 22, 2022 by BipolarGrowth

[Muhammad Jawad]

11 hours ago, Mu_ said:

the how, why and when something changes is always a mystery.

Right.

11 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Look at your own life. For example when someone explains something to you and you don’t get what they are saying, why is that?  Sure you come up with many reasons that feel so, perhaps it was the words or the analogy’s or metaphors, but if you look really deeply you may come to at least a “not 100% sure”.

hmmh. Yes

11 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Or when you finally learned math or a language or solved a problem, you can generally feel like it was done because of something in particular, or an idea at the last second that completed the solving or understanding, but again if you look deeply, you will find no 100% certainty.

True.

11 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Often that last thought or understanding that solved confusion just arose when it did at that moment for reasons unseen. This is the mystery I’m alluding to when I said as you practice good intentions and effort one day things may just click, but again we are never sure when and why it happens, perhaps it appeared due to be practice perhaps not.

Right.

11 hours ago, Mu_ said:

So I say it’s best to put good intentions forward and let what will be, be.

Ok. Sure.

11 hours ago, Mu_ said:

other teachers may say there’s no one to do such so such efforts, they are an illusion and pointless, so drop all doing or trying. And then there is the last camp that says everything’s in our ultimate control. In the end it’s a mystery really. 

True.

 

Thanks a lot

[Muhammad Jawad]

4 hours ago, dorg said:

@Muhammad Jawad  it sounds like you do not want to be who you are (currently).

 

Thanks a lot for sharing this. It really helped me. :-)

[Muhammad Jawad]

2 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

Life just happens and you (meaning the sensations of body and mind) are a part of that. You are not in control in any grand sense.

Ok

2 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

Resistance to all of these negative states, behaviors, and reactions comes mostly from feeling like you are a real, continuous entity which can affect how that actually fabricated, spontaneously arising and passing entity plays itself out. 

hmm. Right.

3 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

I think it ultimately comes down to seeing what you actually are with deep, penetrating, and relatively “permanent” insight which stops or significantly reduces your ability to resist.

ok...

3 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

The odd thing about stopping the resistance to the resistance you feel at a sort of meta level will usually calm you down in tangible and helpful ways which make your life more successful in a practical as well as spiritual sense. 

Right...

3 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

I was listening to a Taoist master on Guru Viking (pretty high quality YouTube channel in podcast format), and he said that Taoism isn’t about becoming a God. It’s more or less about being the only thing you actually can be which is the true-to-life authentic expression of yourself.

OK...Right...

3 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

You can’t ever go against that expression. You can appear to fight with yourself to change this or that behavior, but all of that is ultimately just more authentic expression that can’t help but be 100% spot on authentic in every moment possible. 

hmm. Wao

3 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

I guess my main “advice” for your questions is to relax into what and who you are.

hmm. OK... Sure.

3 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

You can only imagine that you are resisting that flow. You can’t actually resist that flow of things. As things stand now, you (meaning the sensations of the body/mind in this context) are a pretty large portion of “what is”, and if you can’t allow yourself to do and be what your karmic (meaning cause and effect in a pretty non-mystical way) conditions set you to be, you will always feel to be in a more or less big mess of resistance. 

hmmm. True.

3 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

You are what and who you are, and you can’t do much but realize that that is ultimately just fine if you are allowed to express your nature which was handed to you in the way that nature is going to express itself whether you feel to be on board with it or not.

Right....

3 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

These should both be very helpful if you find what I said to resonate.

Thanks a lot for sharing these videos. I am really resonating with your take on this. :-)

 

And Thanks a lot for the Help :-)

[Breakingthewall]

13 hours ago, Muhammad Jawad said:

You are right but to impose my wants on others forcefully is not love & compassion. 

13 hours ago, Muhammad Jawad said:

 

There is a thin line between don't force others and others forcing you. For your family, the best that you could do is to be strong, coherent. An example of integrity. Not a weak man that wants to be nice with everyone and sometimes explode in anger

Edited October 22, 2022 by Breakingthewall

[Osaid]

Something interesting I've noticed is that my anger and irritation depends on who did it. For example, if someone spilled something, depending on who did it, I will have an angry or more understanding response. Similar to how you would have a different reaction to a spill if your pet cat spilled it rather than a human. I think this tells us something about anger, which is that when we perceive an incident, we might make up a story in our mind about the person who did it and why they did it, and then that story makes us more angry.

If a cat spills it, you might even find it cute. Oh, the cat just didn't know what it was doing. It's silly to expect better from a cat.

If a human spills it, you feel very angry. You expect much more compared to the cat, I think this is where the anger and resistance begins. How can this person be so unintelligent? After all I've done to educate them? How much longer do I have to put up with stuff like this? And then you get pulled into this rabbit hole of anger and blame and frustration. Simply put, your expectations don't align with reality. And then, on top of that, the ego actually has another human person to blame for this, which is the perfect recipe for cultivating anger. The ego loves shifting blame and responsibility onto other people, it gives it a vessel to direct its anger into.

So overall, I think it's a matter of grounding yourself and not getting caught in the stories and assumptions that you instinctually pull out. Easier said than done though.

[BipolarGrowth]

@Muhammad Jawad no problem man ? Equanimity is definitely a worthy goal 

[caspex]

Man imagine how hard it would be to stay calm when someone is cutting open your chest. I have no idea how people can achieve such levels of acceptance.

It's one thing to achieve constant peace, bliss and equanimity in health, and another in the face of pain. Just adding this to the convo.

[Mu_]

3 hours ago, Swarnim said:

Man imagine how hard it would be to stay calm when someone is cutting open your chest. I have no idea how people can achieve such levels of acceptance.

It's one thing to achieve constant peace, bliss and equanimity in health, and another in the face of pain. Just adding this to the convo.

I’m not sure this a great goal since I’d wager maybe a handful of people ever have ever been able to master such levels. Or if you do try to go for this goal, get use to failing for a long time and don’t make it a big deal if you do. 
 

also I imagine a lot of people who try for such goals, hope if they complete it they will be immune to discomfort, being bothered, all pain, and will feel great as a result. I’m not sure this will be the result and wouldn’t be surprised if other emotions or problems are still bothersome.  I know I’ve found this in my own journies so far. 

Edited October 22, 2022 by Mu_