Relapsed again...

[Gabith]

On 25/02/2022 at 10:21 PM, Thought Art said:

Innnnntersting. Emotions I know well .. the sort of feeling of being worthless 

 

ego is a funny thing.

"when you realize how easily you could get a girl it might feel disappointed in how easy it is an want it to be hard "

but you’ll figure it out 

Your a lot more valuable than you feel

I'm wondering if I was able to be myself when I met people, would this be easy to find a girlfriend ? 
Is the only thing that prevents me to have a non-toxic girlfriend is my inability to be truly myself ? (without the need to please or get something from her?)

I don't know how to eliminate the need to get something from a girl or to stop feeling "not beautiful enough, not good enough" I think that if I cared less, it would be more easy to be authentic and at ease when speaking to girls

[Loba]

@Javfly33 No reason, I totally get it.  I didn't take any offence at all.

For me, it took a few years of acceptance.  And then what opened up was a trail of understanding when it came to myself.

You can start a private journal, and just start automatic writing - and over time, you can see patterns in your behaviour that make more sense.  We tend to forget a lot of what we think and how we feel from day to day, and so writing might help you uncover where you need to work on or open up.  Also, the therapist can help get you started if you choose to do depth psychology.

I can give an example, so for me, my sexuality came from sexual abuse as a child, and being told to roleplay, to play, to view what was happening in a different light so that I would not remember what happened - this created an odd sexuality that I felt I needed to uncover to understand more about why I wasn't so vanilla.

So it started with just writing about my early memories, where it started, how I felt - and as I did this, my kundalini started to activate and I got a lot of spiritual power from understanding myself.  Sexual energy is very powerful, so the more you know where it comes from, where you come from as a person, you can literally empower yourself with this energy.  Even from situations or sexualities that are out of the norm, you might end up with more power from it, because of the backlog of shame, hurt, ect - that comes up and when you let it go, it creates space for healing energy to come in.

So the more I worked on this, and I did it like my life depended on it, I just wrote and wrote, the whole story, everything that I needed to understand what happened, and why I have this problem.  I became less disgusted with myself, less shame, less fear, writing for myself gave me back my understanding of who I am on the inside.  It helped me to see that just because something happened and it "spread" to me, that I won't be an offender - ever - and going deep within myself to accept this part of me, it helped to take the edge off.  It normalized it, so there wasn't a rush.  I taught myself about sexuality, like, I might take some courses on it in college to understand a bit more - that is another thing you can do, too.

For pretty much every type of sexuality out there, there is a path towards personal empowerment. 

What I did is I explored it a bit, I bought a "toy" that was my preference, started working with a deity that is similar in energy to myself, drew some pictures, read a little bit, and it just became less of a perverse thing, when I incorporated spirituality/insight into it.

I'm a very strong believer of going deep into one's self to uncover sexuality, and of the no shame rule.  As long as it doesn't hurt anyone, or yourself.  And because it seems to be, this is all the more reason to look into it, rather than sweep it under the rug.  If you do that, it will come up in various ways and it is harder to control, then just going through the process of understanding yourself.  And by this, I mean every little motivation, every fear from childhood that might have come up, the whole thing.

And then what I advise is once a month, to once a year, go through and read what you wrote and take note of any behavioural patterns you might see, and then look into those, it's like a rabbit hole of self discovery.

I guess my question is, where/when did it start for you?  Was it a trauma?  What is the underlying motivation?
These questions can open a can of worms, for sure.
You can even start with an intent, such as "Today I am wanting to explore why I hurt myself when I engage in this behaviour, it is not increasing my self esteem and is hurting me financially.  Why do I do this?  Where did it come from?  Why do I have a hard time stopping the behaviour?  Is there any way to normalize it so that I do not get a dopamine hit when I engage in this.  Why do I prefer to have women take advantage of my money?  How can I make it spiritual/align with my values?  My intention is to understand this side of myself, so that I may work through it and become a stronger man."

The more you understand this side, the more it activates and lets loose 2nd and 3rd chakra energy - it might be a slow process, or a kundalini awakening as the flood gates open up.  When the second and third chakras are aligned, you will have an easier time with all the others.  You can ground yourself in a meditation practice, healthy eating and positive self talk for your first chakra.  Or walking in the park barefoot, putting your feet on the ground and feeling the dirt can help.  Once the second and third chakras are healed and open, and free, then your heart will awaken and that's the one you wanna keep open for spirituality, because the heart is a compass towards God and Truth.

If you have been introspecting for years, the problem might be that you don't have a journal, you need to also go back to the previous years to see not only progress, but also to literally witness how your personal patterns are unfolding.  Honestly, it took me a good  6 years to start seeing changes.  The first year was my awakenings, the second trying to get back to them, the third and forth was information gathering, and it wasn't until the 5th and 6th year when I started to journal that I began to 'see' the difference.  Before, I didn't have a grounding pattern to move from - I couldn't see how one action affected the other, until I was able to go through the entire year before.  In January I did a recap of my previous year, and it set me in the right direction. 

I can see those patterns, I can go back and work on them, and I don't feel like I am stumbling around looking for answers inside and out on how to manage my sexuality.  Instead, I just have fun with it in a safe way, I don't shame myself, and it no longer has it's hold on me like it did before.

GL!  If you have any questions, or if you've already done this to this degree, let me know where you're at.

[AnthonyR]

https://youtu.be/cTQd0cYEdWs

Edited March 7, 2022 by AnthonyR

[Federico del pueblo]

@Javfly33 @Javfly33

How's it going bro? Are you experiencing urges again? 

Just asking because if you need some loving kick in the ass there's probably gonna be some people here who will happily give it to you (no offense, it's just love ok?).

For some people a bit of negative social motivation can be helpful

[hyruga]

Money can always earn back!

But don't relapse. Sure you won't by much. By posting here, you already increase your awareness on this topic so you most probably won't relapse too much in the future.

[Depersonilized]

@Javfly33 Well, from my own experience when I had this issue, I do believe that the acknowledgement that there is a problem, and the attempts to break free from it is in itself improvement in regards to ego-development. A lot of people who relapse can get completely discouraged under the notion that no progress has been made, and that discouragement can lead you right back into habitually using again. If you're putting in serious effort to better yourself that is already a step forward. Don't forget that. Write it down even: "I am making progress." You could write down in detail every small step you've taken to change and what the next small steps could or will be within the next week or even month. On the flip-side, write down everything that is hindering you from going further. In psycho-therapy, generally people go through a process of incremental improvement. One baby step at a time. It's also good to have someone who can keep you accountable. Going through this alone is not a good idea in my opinion. 

I had a similar problem not too long ago. It was as if the more I made attempts to better myself, and I actually did better myself, there was another part of me that was almost "enraged" for lack of a better term that I wasn't continuing the unhealthy habits. While my work ethic was skyrocketing at my job, home-life still had the aura of a shadow of trying to hide my drug use from family members. This really points to the idea to me that the ego seems to be influenced by a group of "personalities" contained within the unconscious and that somehow certain locations that have an association in the mind with a set of old habits seem to activate them. If I was to completely shift my habits for healthier living that kind of leads to the death of that "personality" within me. I need to study the shadow more to get a better understanding of this because I don't know what the answer is exactly yet other than just to push through. I wonder if that's even possible. Who's to say that pushing too hard will just make that "personality" push harder making it a self-defeating endeavor. I'm not exactly sure how to properly integrate it on a personal level. 

[Javfly33]

7 hours ago, Federico del pueblo said:

@Javfly33 @Javfly33

How's it going bro? Are you experiencing urges again? 

Just asking because if you need some loving kick in the ass there's probably gonna be some people here who will happily give it to you (no offense, it's just love ok?).

For some people a bit of negative social motivation can be helpful

No urges so far after my lsd trip 10 days ago. The thought of It just makes me laugh

[Federico del pueblo]

5 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

No urges so far after my lsd trip 10 days ago. The thought of It just makes me laugh

@Javfly33

Amazing. Man I really have to get into psychedelics soon. Seems like they can be super powerful.

Keep it up buddy ????

[Javfly33]

8 hours ago, Federico del pueblo said:

@Javfly33

Amazing. Man I really have to get into psychedelics soon. Seems like they can be super powerful.

Keep it up buddy ????

??

[calibrate]

On 09/03/2022 at 7:57 PM, Javfly33 said:

No urges so far after my lsd trip 10 days ago. The thought of It just makes me laugh

While I do think psychedelics can have a very powerful and beneficial effect on ones mind, I think a more sustainable measure should be formulated or found to deal with this issue. Psychedelic insight in my experience is always in flux and cant really be relied upon long-term.

Unless someone intends to continually spend money on psychedelics, it just seems like a half-measure.

Edited March 13, 2022 by calibrate