Is It Normal For A Man To Be Initmidated By A Very Attractive Woman?

[Peace and Love]

Hi guys,

I was just curious....

is it really TRUE that if you see a really HOT chick that you may be so intimidated that you won't talk to her?

I guess that's what PUA is for right???

And how can a girl who may be extremely attractive (to the opposite sex) appear less INTIMIDATING?!?  lol  How can we be more approachable?

Thanks!

 

[AxelK]

If you asked me a year ago, my answer on a personal level would be yes. But it depends on the person and how their perspective on beauty is and what values they hold dear.  So without reading anyones minds  i would say that for most people the answer could be yes, but it depends on the person of course. 

Also, when you see someone who is very beautiful its easy to think that they are already taken because of their beauty, which in turn makes the point of approaching them pointless if you are after a relationship or a intimate experience.

 

How to appear less intimidating? No definite answer to this question either but being down to earth and not acting like you're better than someone else because of your looks goes a long way.

[Phocus]

1) Yes, that is very common.  I think it stems from how we evolved socially but regardless, when you perceive something to be very valuable, you don't perform at your best.

2) You can facilitate an approach by putting yourself in a position for natural interactions to occur (if you're trying to meet someone new).  Or you can just initiate a conversation with them and sidestep this all together.  It's very easy to do if you're willing... just ask a question or opinion (hey, do you know of any good xyz in the area?  Can i get your opinion on this situation i am in?).  If its someone that you're around regularly (like a coworker or something) then just have more casual interactions and eventually they will get desensitized to your hotness

Also, the law of state transference comes into play here as well which is: Other people will feel whatever you are feeling.  If they are bombing and you feel awkward, they will feel even more awkward than they already do.  Communicate with your energy that its no big deal.  It's ok.  Whatever it is that's going on.  Your energy of "its ok" has to be stronger than their energy of "omg i cant believe i am talking to this hot chick and making a fool of myself".  It will help him to relax.

Does that make sense?

[SFRL]

2 hours ago, Peace and Love said:

Hi guys,

I was just curious....

is it really TRUE that if you see a really HOT chick that you may be so intimidated that you won't talk to her?

I guess that's what PUA is for right???

And how can a girl who may be extremely attractive (to the opposite sex) appear less INTIMIDATING?!?  lol  How can we be more approachable?

Thanks!

 

Ego alert!! ?

[Shin]

27 minutes ago, STC said:

Ego alert!! ?

Maybe she needs advice for a friend.

[SFRL]

24 minutes ago, Shin said:

Maybe she needs advice for a friend.

Becarefull man, that could easily be interpreted as an insult on her end. You are a young man you got your whole life to live!!! Don't do it!!!

Edited January 10, 2017 by STC

[Phocus]

@STC @Shin

Please try and stay on-topic

@AxelK

I would agree with your 2nd paragraph.  Often if I see a particularly attractive woman I assume that she is in a relationship.  Especially if she is past her early 20s.

[Guest Annetta]

Before I got lupus and my hair fell out I used to have that problem with dudes.  Cute and kinda shy, so dudes didn't approach me because they misinterpreted shyness for disinterest.  A lot of them acted like assholes because they assumed my shyness was being a snob - never the case.
 

The worst part was when they would get to know me a bit, and for some reason shyness makes men angry, or disinterested or...?  I'm not sure.  Something about low self esteem is not attractive, but they also want to simultaneously protect females, but not if it's too easy... *shrugs*  I don't get it.  Men are confusing to me.

I wish what people would do is put together personal instruction manuals so that we all know what to expect when dealing with a partner/ people in general.

I don't know how you would be more approachable.  Sometimes men would approach me when I was working on my art, as a conversation starter.  Maybe have something with you that has to do with what you're about (a hobby) that they can clearly see that they can use to start some sort of topic with you?

Edited January 10, 2017 by Babybat

[aurum]

For a small minority of guys, no it is not intimidating. Some guys can just approach anyone no problem. And I think that's great.

But for the vast majority of guys, not only it is intimating to talk to a hot woman, it's intimating to go talk to any  woman.

It's hilarious to me that pick up is portrayed as this thing that only people with extreme social anxiety need. As if every guy can approach women without fear.

In reality, 99% of guys are afraid to talk to women. But it's usually only the guys who have the hardest time that end up getting enough emotional leverage to actually go out and change it. The rest will be just as afraid, but do nothing about it.

I see it all the time when guys come into my group. The amount of rationalizing guys do when it comes to approaching women in order to protect their ego is incredible. Destroy one rationalization and another one just pops up. It's like playing whack-a-mole.

The reason most girls don't understand this is that they get a skewed bias. What guys are they going to meet when they go out? Only guys that are already comfortable approaching. You're not seeing all the guys who wanted to approach but never did. They're in their room playing video games.

So let me answer your question. Given this is true, how can girls be more approachable?

The truth is a lot of it is out of your hands. Guys have their own issues they have to work through. And nothing you will do will change that.

At the same time, there are some things you can do to swing the odds in your favor.

1) If you're a girl who usually seems very serious, try smiling more and having fun. It's nice when the girl doesn't look like she'll rip off your head.

2) Don't stand with packs of guys. I know it's silly but a lot of guys will see this and assume these guys will kick their ass if they go talk to you.

3) I don't want to say you can't dance, but many guys will see a girl dancing and feel like they're "interrupting" if they go talk to her. Just take that for whatever it's worth.

So that's it. Hope this clarified somethings.

[Peace and Love]

@AxelK

6 hours ago, AxelK said:

If you asked me a year ago, my answer on a personal level would be yes. But it depends on the person and how their perspective on beauty is and what values they hold dear.  So without reading anyones minds  i would say that for most people the answer could be yes, but it depends on the person of course. 

Also, when you see someone who is very beautiful its easy to think that they are already taken because of their beauty, which in turn makes the point of approaching them pointless if you are after a relationship or a intimate experience.

 

How to appear less intimidating? No definite answer to this question either but being down to earth and not acting like you're better than someone else because of your looks goes a long way.

Yes I completely agree.  Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder. No two people are attracted to the same thing.

It sucks when people already assume that I'm in a relationship.  People are usually surprised that I'm not already married with kids. 

I think I try too hard.  They say when you just give up and stop trying it just happens.

[Peace and Love]

@Phocus

6 hours ago, Phocus said:

1) Yes, that is very common.  I think it stems from how we evolved socially but regardless, when you perceive something to be very valuable, you don't perform at your best.

2) You can facilitate an approach by putting yourself in a position for natural interactions to occur (if you're trying to meet someone new).  Or you can just initiate a conversation with them and sidestep this all together.  It's very easy to do if you're willing... just ask a question or opinion (hey, do you know of any good xyz in the area?  Can i get your opinion on this situation i am in?).  If its someone that you're around regularly (like a coworker or something) then just have more casual interactions and eventually they will get desensitized to your hotness

Also, the law of state transference comes into play here as well which is: Other people will feel whatever you are feeling.  If they are bombing and you feel awkward, they will feel even more awkward than they already do.  Communicate with your energy that its no big deal.  It's ok.  Whatever it is that's going on.  Your energy of "its ok" has to be stronger than their energy of "omg i cant believe i am talking to this hot chick and making a fool of myself".  It will help him to relax.

Does that make sense?

I figured this was the case because if I see a guy that's really attractive I want to run away. lol.  I think I'm too shy and intimidated as well.  Like the person is way out of my league.   I know men and women perceive and see things very differently, I was wondering if this was the case.  I'm not a guy so I wouldn't know. lol.

Like I was saying in another comment.  I think I try too hard.  I think if I'm not thinking about dating or meeting someone it would just come to me alot easier. Like putting no expectations.  When it happens it happens.  Part of the problem is I stay home and do so much personal development work that I don't really go out at all anymore.  I need to make it a point to go out on the weekends, so I can get more interactions with people.  The more you interact with the people in different locations at different times, the more likely you will meet someone.

the law of state transference....that makes perfect sense.  People do read your emotions. Sometimes I do feel awkward going out in public.  I've come a long way with my social anxiety but I'm sure I could improve in that area.  It's interesting you called it that, because I've heard it called the Law of Attraction.



 

[Peace and Love]

@STC @Shin

It's ok no worries.  The advice is for me.  And I know my ego is definitely in play right now.  It is something I have to deal with at the moment.  I'm not feeling as good about myself as I usually do and part of it is because my dad recently passed away.  I've discovered that all kinds of things come up when someone close to you dies.  You start feeling insecure about yourself and your self worth, and you want to seek validation in different ways, including relationships.  I recognize that I'm reaching out at this time, when it's probably not a good idea, but I also know that this advice will help me with my personal growth later on, when I am ready for a relationship.  I'm sure other people on this forum could benefit from the advice here offered as well.

[Peace and Love]

@Babybat

3 hours ago, Babybat said:

Before I got lupus and my hair fell out I used to have that problem with dudes.  Cute and kinda shy, so dudes didn't approach me because they misinterpreted shyness for disinterest.  A lot of them acted like assholes because they assumed my shyness was being a snob - never the case.
 

The worst part was when they would get to know me a bit, and for some reason shyness makes men angry, or disinterested or...?  I'm not sure.  Something about low self esteem is not attractive, but they also want to simultaneously protect females, but not if it's too easy... *shrugs*  I don't get it.  Men are confusing to me.

I wish what people would do is put together personal instruction manuals so that we all know what to expect when dealing with a partner/ people in general.

I don't know how you would be more approachable.  Sometimes men would approach me when I was working on my art, as a conversation starter.  Maybe have something with you that has to do with what you're about ( hobby) that they can clearly see that they can use to start some sort of topic with you?

The best book I've read that explains male and female behavior is "Men are From Mars, and Women are from Venus".

I will say in general when I'm shy ....even women will assume I'm a snob.  It kinda sucks! lol.  So I totally get it. 

After reading, researching, and watching a lot of videos on what men are attracted to,  I can't help but feel insecure about how my body looks, since I know men pretty much base their attraction off of how you look.  It makes men appear so shallow, when I know in reality they really aren't.  I'm definitely not over weight or anything, and I'm considered in good health.  I'll sit there and overly criticize myself.  Over the summer I was so insecure about my body that I wouldn't even put a swim suit on and go out anywhere.  And the one time that I did, I completely covered up! lol  I was wearing a bikini but I made sure that I had a long shirt on to cover my entire body. I made sure I didn't interact with anyone, because of how shy and insecure I was.  In that situation I know I was giving off negative signals.  I wonder if guys go though the body image issue as much as women do?  I wonder if they get just as intimidated......

 

 

@Phocus

Damn...this is not good...lol.....assumption is the mother of all evil.  It definitely fits into the stereotype that after you're 20's you're most likely married or in a committed relationship. 

Edited January 10, 2017 by Peace and Love
forgot to add something ;)

[Peace and Love]

@aurum

3 hours ago, aurum said:

For a small minority of guys, no it is not intimidating. Some guys can just approach anyone no problem. And I think that's great.

But for the vast majority of guys, not only it is intimating to talk to a hot woman, it's intimating to go talk to any  woman.

It's hilarious to me that pick up is portrayed as this thing that only people with extreme social anxiety need. As if every guy can approach women without fear.

In reality, 99% of guys are afraid to talk to women. But it's usually only the guys who have the hardest time that end up getting enough emotional leverage to actually go out and change it. The rest will be just as afraid, but do nothing about it.

I see it all the time when guys come into my group. The amount of rationalizing guys do when it comes to approaching women in order to protect their ego is incredible. Destroy one rationalization and another one just pops up. It's like playing whack-a-mole.

The reason most girls don't understand this is that they get a skewed bias. What guys are they going to meet when they go out? Only guys that are already comfortable approaching. You're not seeing all the guys who wanted to approach but never did. They're in their room playing video games.

So let me answer your question. Given this is true, how can girls be more approachable?

The truth is a lot of it is out of your hands. Guys have their own issues they have to work through. And nothing you will do will change that.

At the same time, there are some things you can do to swing the odds in your favor.

1) If you're a girl who usually seems very serious, try smiling more and having fun. It's nice when the girl doesn't look like she'll rip off your head.

2) Don't stand with packs of guys. I know it's silly but a lot of guys will see this and assume these guys will kick their ass if they go talk to you.

3) I don't want to say you can't dance, but many guys will see a girl dancing and feel like they're "interrupting" if they go talk to her. Just take that for whatever it's worth.

So that's it. Hope this clarified somethings.

Thanks for the advice that does help!

But if they're gamer guys....lol...does it increase your odds of attracting them if you're wearing gamer attire? ditch the high heels and short skirt for a mario brothers t-shirt and yoga pants?   Or is still just as intimidating?

I think the attitude and the body language plays a big part of it for sure. Smiling definitely is inviting and more approachable. I definitely get the groups of guys thing...I would be scared too! lol.  But I never thought if you were dancing they would be interrupting, but all the times that's I've been to the clubs in my early 20's they usually tried to squeeze in there and started dancing with me too...maybe times have changed.

[Phocus]

31 minutes ago, Peace and Love said:

@Babybat

@Phocus

Damn...this is not good...lol.....assumption is the mother of all evil.  It definitely fits into the stereotype that after you're 20's you're most likely married or in a committed relationship. 

Lets take that as a fact.  "Assumption is the mother of all evil."  How are you using assumption to your benefit or to your detriment?

Is there anything more powerful than an assumption in shaping ones opinion?

Edit: Maybe thats too deep, haha.  If so try "what are you goals in this area of your life?"

[Arman]

9 hours ago, Peace and Love said:

And how can a girl who may be extremely attractive (to the opposite sex) appear less INTIMIDATING?!? 

is this the ultimate humble brag? 

[Shin]

5 hours ago, Peace and Love said:

@STC @Shin

It's ok no worries.  The advice is for me.  And I know my ego is definitely in play right now.  It is something I have to deal with at the moment.  I'm not feeling as good about myself as I usually do and part of it is because my dad recently passed away.  I've discovered that all kinds of things come up when someone close to you dies.  You start feeling insecure about yourself and your self worth, and you want to seek validation in different ways, including relationships.  I recognize that I'm reaching out at this time, when it's probably not a good idea, but I also know that this advice will help me with my personal growth later on, when I am ready for a relationship.  I'm sure other people on this forum could benefit from the advice here offered as well.

I wasn't insulting you, I was genuinely thinking that perhaps you were gathering advices for a friend who seemed confuse about how to make guys comfortable near her.

 

Now, from what I read about your swimming experience (^^), you definitely need to work on your anxiety and how you approach guys and relationship in general.

Girls that are that are very complexed like that, can easily get used by assholes, you won't see it coming (and it could lead to even deeper traumas), so make it your top priority.

 

Ask yourself why do you even want a relationship, because from all the experiences I gathered irl (from people around me), on forums, and by myself, is that you never want a relationship for the good reasons.

It's only when you don't really want and need a relationship that a good potential relationship will show up, and at that point you'll have a real choice to make,

And you wouldn't choose that person because you're needy or because you feel lonely, or because you need love, or because you think you should be in a relationship (cultural paradigm/social pressure),

But simply because you'll be able to say to yourself "ok, that person I know for some time is xyz, It could really work, we could really grow together"

You would say to yourself that it doesn't have to be that person, that you could totally wait longer, even if the person is amazing.

That's when you can say "I want a relationship", in my opinion ^^

 

Edited January 10, 2017 by Shin

[ajasatya]

@Peace and Love i see that you're struggling very hard with conditioning, still expecting to be approached by the perfect man.

my advice: just be sincere and face your fears. if you find a man attractive, go for it. be open for questions and ask him everything you need.

my best advice: heal yourself completely already. find your peace without the need for social approval. go to vipassana retreats, zen sesshins, yoga courses. it's your happiness that's on the table.

[Peace and Love]

@Arman

12 hours ago, Arman said:

is this the ultimate humble brag? 

I actually brought this topic up for multiple reasons.  I know PUA is a huge topic in this forum.  I'm want to understand the male perspective so I can improve on relationships and I'm sure other women would appreciate this information.  Men and women have a tendency to see the world in very different ways.  The things that we need in a relationship are very different too.  I know men need Trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement.  Women need to feel cared for, understood, respected, devoted, validated, and reassured. (This is coming from the book :Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus", Chapter 8 pg 132.

And in  another topic on this forum I saw someone post PUA information about men can get intimidated by attractive women.  The article he provided stated that most of the time men settle for less than what they want, because they feel that they have reached that age that they should get married, and then they regret the relationship and are unhappy.  They think it's a huge reason why there is such a high divorce rate.   This fear is preventing men from being happy!  And women too!  And that's really sad!

I'm not going to sit here and beat around the bush.  I'm insecure about my looks and I'm very aware of it and it is an area I have to work on in personal development.  And I know a lot of it has to do with my dad passing away, because when someone dies you're emotions go haywire and you bounce all over the place.  You can reach out for love in the wrong places.  A few of you know on this forum that I'm also an ex adult entertainer.  It was my job to look attractive and get men's attention to arouse them.  When men and women look at adult entertainment...it's for one thing....to get their cookies off!    But it's very different in the dating field.   People are looking for long term..... it's not just about the sex. Although attractiveness is key to a relationship for men and women.  From what I know and have studied it's more physical for men because of the way they are wired to look for a healthy female to reproduce off spring on a subconscious level (even if they don't want kids lol).

I've literally have not been in a serious long term relationship for about 9 years now. I'm curious to know how much the dating field has changed, and what new knowledge is out there. I'm also curious to learn more about PUA because I had a very negative view of it for a long time.  I thought it was just some creepy and manipulative way to pick up and prey on women and get laid!   I'm sure there are a few men that  have used it for that reason but the real core of it's use is to help build confidence and better relationships.

[Peace and Love]

@Shin

8 hours ago, Shin said:

I wasn't insulting you, I was genuinely thinking that perhaps you were gathering advices for a friend who seemed confuse about how to make guys comfortable near her.

 

Now, from what I read about your swimming experience (^^), you definitely need to work on your anxiety and how you approach guys and relationship in general.

Girls that are that are very complexed like that, can easily get used by assholes, you won't see it coming (and it could lead to even deeper traumas), so make it your top priority.

 

Ask yourself why do you even want a relationship, because from all the experiences I gathered irl (from people around me), on forums, and by myself, is that you never want a relationship for the good reasons.

It's only when you don't really want and need a relationship that a good potential relationship will show up, and at that point you'll have a real choice to make,

And you wouldn't choose that person because you're needy or because you feel lonely, or because you need love, or because you think you should be in a relationship (cultural paradigm/social pressure),

But simply because you'll be able to say to yourself "ok, that person I know for some time is xyz, It could really work, we could really grow together"

You would say to yourself that it doesn't have to be that person, that you could totally wait longer, even if the person is amazing.

That's when you can say "I want a relationship", in my opinion ^^

 

I could not agree more with what you are saying.  I know I desire a relationship for the wrong reasons right now and that's why I've stepped out of the playing field completely.  Usually people get into relationships out of need...not by a desire to be with them.  I know I'm insecure without a doubt in my mind.  And I know I have to work on SELF LOVE too.  But I was just generally curious about what people on this forum thought about this issue.