The dark side of nihilism - missing God.

[liliacvine]

I can't stand being pulled away from God-consciousness. 
All I care about is being reuinted with myself as God. 

As I "get back down" after a profound awakening I usually fall into a deep dark hole of nihilsm. The negative form of it. 
I feel like nothing matters except tapping into God. The Beauty. The Love. The Understanding.
I guess something is "fundamentally wrong" in the way I perceive this, and it's probably  my ego still getting attached to certain experiences - but whatever it is - I am clueless in how to get beyond it. The suffering is extreme. It's the greatest sadness.

As I experience this state I feel like I am just laying down on the ground and surrendering hoping to get back to God. "Living life" seems pointless. All illusion, no matter how beautiful, doesn't matter anymore. Not when I can't experience it as God.
... it's like being in a waiting-room. Feeling like you are done with life and you only have one thing to pursue - waking up as God - but you aren't the one in control of reaching it. So you wait. This is how it feels. 

 

Edited November 20, 2021 by liliacvine
word

[Tyler Durden]

God wants you to be here experiencing this reality. It's not somewhere far away, its presence is all around you all the time. 

[Vynce]

As Tyler said, God is in love and interested in all your states of consciousness. Even the most twisted, depressed states are just as important for God as your enlightenment states. 

He loves it. 

[WelcometoReality]

@liliacvine Have you noticed how we can't change our experience and that resisting it is futile?

[Baum]

Didn't god show you it is in every person you meet?

[BipolarGrowth]

I laughed while reading this. Not because of a lack of empathy or disconnection from what you’re going through but because I was there SO MANY times. I was laughing because it’s just like I was reading essentially a post which just as well could’ve been made by myself in the past. I didn’t realize earlier on that the depression/disconnection/nihilism is PROGRESS. You’re actually kicking ass right now. It is actually in many cases more evident of progress to be where you’re at than experiencing God Consciousness over and over is. 

You’re in the Dark Night of the Soul stages of insight right now (everything after the Arising & Passing Away and before Equanimity on the graph — don’t mind the y axis here — the x axis is the important part). Why I say this is progress is simply because you are further/later along the progress of insight map. You’ll cycle through this process many times on the path. At some point, you can finally get yourself into a deep and high equanimity step where cessation/the first taste of Nirvana is possible. The best thing to do right now is to continue practicing. Do whatever is your thing — meditation, yoga, etc. The Dark Night stages come inherently with nihilism, loss of confidence in the way the process is going, and usually less motivation to practice.

If you can manage to keep your chin up (as much as you reasonably can — no need to guilt yourself) and practice to the best of your ability in these often incredibly difficult stages, you have a good chance to move through these suffering-filled stages more quickly and reach Equanimity which will not only feel amazing, peaceful, refreshing, and recharging but will give you a much greater probability of really gaining traction on the path to further progress. 

The posts here and Actualized content in general can give the impression that moving to these temporary yet profound Arising & Passing Away experiences (most “God Consciousness” experiences fall under the umbrella of the A&P) are the pinnacle of pinnacles. That’s not to say there’s anything fundamentally wrong with the teachings or engagement here. That impression though is what keeps many people away from more rapidly reaching the more lasting peace, happiness, and permanent/radical baseline consciousness shifts that you are really seeking at your core. God Consciousness before having those permanent shifts is weak sauce compared to the God Consciousness experiences and even far more profound/mind-blowing things that can come after the permanent shifts start locking in. 
 

I cannot recommend enough that you take a look at this book which is completely free online and a bit of a masterpiece of practical spiritual information and familiarize yourself with the progress of insight map therein. Vipassana meditation (focused on the three characteristics of no self, dukkha, and impermanence) as it is described in this book can really help to break through the especially sticky phases of the Dark Night. https://www.mctb.org/mctb2/table-of-contents/part-iv-insight/30-the-progress-of-insight/

 

How to Escape the Dark Night of the Soul

 

With Love and Faith in your ability and progress ❤️??,
 

Brandon Rohe

[Bazooka Jesus]

18 hours ago, liliacvine said:

... it's like being in a waiting-room. Feeling like you are done with life and you only have one thing to pursue - waking up as God - but you aren't the one in control of reaching it. So you wait. This is how it feels. 

"Like being in a waiting room"... that is pretty much the perfect description of my life right now. All I am doing is basically just sitting around and waiting for a miracle to happen - which I know will never come because it's already here. Hah.

It's beyond absurd. Samuel Beckett would have a field day with all of this.

[Breakingthewall]

If you are only satisfied with being in god mode and you do not see anything of interest in ego mode, you can turn to be as much as possible in egoless mode, like the real mystics, those guys from India who live in a cave and don't speak in years. I am sure that in many cases his happiness is enormous. you just have to give up the ego completely

[Fearless_Bum]

On 11/20/2021 at 4:13 PM, liliacvine said:

I can't stand being pulled away from God-consciousness. 
All I care about is being reuinted with myself as God. 

As I "get back down" after a profound awakening I usually fall into a deep dark hole of nihilsm. The negative form of it. 
I feel like nothing matters except tapping into God. The Beauty. The Love. The Understanding.
I guess something is "fundamentally wrong" in the way I perceive this, and it's probably  my ego still getting attached to certain experiences - but whatever it is - I am clueless in how to get beyond it. The suffering is extreme. It's the greatest sadness.

As I experience this state I feel like I am just laying down on the ground and surrendering hoping to get back to God. "Living life" seems pointless. All illusion, no matter how beautiful, doesn't matter anymore. Not when I can't experience it as God.
... it's like being in a waiting-room. Feeling like you are done with life and you only have one thing to pursue - waking up as God - but you aren't the one in control of reaching it. So you wait. This is how it feels. 

 

@liliacvine this is gold right here ^ . 

In these paragraphs there's some beliefs you're holding and you don't even notice, notice them and let them go. 

Then rinse and repeat. 

Also just take it easy on yourself, this can be a very taxing process, especially in the beginning. Rest well. 

[Paradox]

@Akos The sad part is that i know who you are as I've seen some romanian interviews, just a little bit. But I would have thought that you are better than talkin like this.

[softlyblossoming]

I've also been in a totally bleak place today, but thanks to this thread, I've started to reframe my dark night as another toy to play with. I been playing with this situation by imagining up ways that my dark moments are helping me see how my attachments are ultimately unsatisfying, for example: life was so great in God consciousness, but now it sucks, so even God isn't a source of satisfaction that lasts, so now I have another reason not to cling to it so tightly by idolising it as an escape from the present moment, which is all that truly is and all I really ever have. I hope this helps you see that all of the moments in our lives can become fuel in our awakening rocket ships. But more importantly, that when we can find some reason to see a silver lining around the grey skies, it can help us rest.

[softlyblossoming]

@Akos Your videos are really cool to watch while I meditate 

[vladorion]