liliacvine

I can't stand being pulled away from God-consciousness. All I care about is being reuinted with myself as God. As I "get back down" after a profound awakening I usually fall into a deep dark hole of nihilsm. The negative form of it. I feel like nothing matters except tapping into God. The Beauty. The Love. The Understanding. I guess something is "fundamentally wrong" in the way I perceive this, and it's probably my ego still getting attached to certain experiences - but whatever it is - I am clueless in how to get beyond it. The suffering is extreme. It's the greatest sadness. As I experience this state I feel like I am just laying down on the ground and surrendering hoping to get back to God. "Living life" seems pointless. All illusion, no matter how beautiful, doesn't matter anymore. Not when I can't experience it as God. ... it's like being in a waiting-room. Feeling like you are done with life and you only have one thing to pursue - waking up as God - but you aren't the one in control of reaching it. So you wait. This is how it feels.