Humans aren’t monogamist

[Terell Kirby]

@Harlen Kelly I needed to rigorously challenge you on any biases towards polygamy...you seem to favor it as inherent to humans from your earlier statements. What needs to be realized is that what's considered "inherent" changes with evolution.

Truth be told, there are a lot of folks on this forum that project their personal issues with relationships and sexuality on those around them. Misery loves company, and there are those of us who will challenge those projections.

Edited November 3, 2021 by Terell Kirby

[Loba]

I think we are both - monogomy and polyamoury.  I can fall in love and commit, but I will still love and be attracted to other people.  That is most natural imo.  Open to all perspectives, though.

Edited November 3, 2021 by Loba

[zazen]

3 hours ago, Loba said:

I think we are both - monogomy and polyamoury.  I can fall in love and commit, but I will still love and be attracted to other people.  That is most natural imo.  Open to all perspectives, though.

We have both drives, but we have been evolved under polyamory far longer than monogamy (coming about since agriculture) so its easier to fall into that mating strategy. We get what we feed, and the current environment is feeding our poly instinct, allowing it freedom to move. If we behave in a polyamorous way in our youth and then expect to be able to be monogamous in our later years that could be an issue and people find it harder, although not impossible. 

 

When our ancestors lived till about 30 long term emotional stability wasn't considered, only to mate enough and bear enough children for the tribe. Even then, their was a community that gave emotional stability and that raised the children together, nothing like our more isolated way of life now. Now that we live till 70/80 and as our sexual value depreciates as we age another strategy is needed to ensure emotional stability for each individual, and with that stability of society for it to flourish. Not to say monogamy is perfect, but it was functional and grew civilisation, polygamy doesn't seem to be scalable from the tribal settings to multi million population urban centres we live in now, too much chaos and too many options always leaving people with fomo, or if their with the right partner, the illusion of option with online dating leaves us confused and dissatisfied. Even if our ancestors did sleep with multiple partners it probably wouldn't have been more than 5 from the tribal band, nothing like what we have no going into double digits. 

 

The way things are now, it seems people only settle into monogamy when their value in the eyes of others starts to decline and they start to notice this themselves. With dentistry, health conciseness, cleaner air/water and cosmetic treatments we are extending our youth and so people seem to settle later or not when they feel they eventually need to. The flip side is the need to pair bond is still there for emotional stability, and yet its harder due to people getting more set in their ways as they age being less compatible with others habits, their hormones no longer biologically at least drawing each gender to the other, their past experiences/baggage making them jaded, bitter or traumatised to be in relationships. 

Edited November 3, 2021 by zazen

[Gesundheit2]

Humans are stupid.

[mandyjw]

18 hours ago, Heaven said:

Hey all!

Why do I find it so hard to give away my freedom and be in an exclusive relationship?

I feel like I’m limiting my love to one person instead of expanding it to all women on earth?

Because you're focusing on what you're giving up rather than what you want. If you focus just on the downside of any action you won't get anywhere.

Always looking for something else is a very consuming task. Most people don't prefer to live in shacks and tents, abandon them and build again from scratch somewhere else, if they can they typically pour concrete foundations and build a home. 

Monogamy is incredibly synergistic when done consciously. If you start focusing on what you don't have or your partner's flaws it starts to feel really bad, and then we tell ourselves that the flaws and lack of freedom are why we feel bad when really, we just stopped focusing on what we want. 

[zazen]

Serial monogamy takes place, the question is monogamy long term? In todays world to be monogamous in the long term requires a lot of self actualisation on both parts, and has to take a somewhat spiritual path of devotion and sacrifice. Your sacrificing a certain kind of freedom for the freedom to be lovingly bonded to another person, lose one freedom to gain the freedom that love gives. The devotion part is in understanding the modern society and temptations present with online dating and big city living, and protecting the relationship from the culture and its laissez faire attitude towards sexuality. 

People are casually fucking others without any real pair bonding and then opting to settle down when they’re much older out of fear of impending loneliness and forced solitude or choosing not to start a family at all. The mating culture for people of most ages is simply to use people and fuck them, forming no real pair bonds or emotional connections. Some people attempt relationships but the strength of these relationships is adversely affected by the external temptation which is hook-up culture, say when a relationship is going through a turbulent time, the opportunities offered by hook-up culture can seduce a spouse, leading to adultery, the eventual divulgence of said adultery to the other party involved and then typically an end to said relationship.

Hook-up culture is a direct consequence of the “sexual revolution” which feminism sparked, ignited and proclaims so loudly to be proud of. The notion that female promiscuity should be untamed and socially acceptable conduct, this can still be seen even today with feminisms efforts to normalise female promiscuity via campaigns such as being  “anti-slut shaming” sure, because encouraging promiscuity is not only putting one at sexual risk via the prevalence of sexual disease, but is psychologically unappealing to anyone looking to seriously build and create something for the long-term, thus damaging their own long-term chances at attaining happiness with a suitable suitor. 

Edited November 3, 2021 by zazen

[Loba]

@zazen Good points, thank you for sharing.

I wish I had more to say, but I agree with everything you've written.

 

[Heaven]

@zazen Thanks bro

@Gesundheit2 For sure we have a lot of room to evolve?

@Loba Totally agree

Edited November 3, 2021 by Heaven

[something_else]

Yea be polyamorous all you want when you're young, but do you really want to be going out looking for sex partners at 60?

At some point you gotta settle down in some way. Just make sure you experience all the sexual variety you want before you do

[SgtPepper]

I think people can do anything, but monogamy is the wisest.

Polyamory hardly makes sense since dividing our attention/love will make it more difficult to establish a stronger relationship with one person. Or you will have to work double time to maintain a powerful relationship with two or more people. Then you have to deal with the drama of more than one person. 

It's just like the life purpose concept. who will have a stronger fulfilling relationship with their craft, someone who spends time on one skill for 10,000 hours, or 3-5 skills for 10,000 hours? 

On 11/2/2021 at 1:19 PM, Heaven said:

Why do I find it so hard to give away my freedom and be in an exclusive relationship?

I feel like I’m limiting my love to one person instead of expanding it to all women on earth?

Maybe the main reason people get married is for survival and because I almost transcended it I don’t find this need? 
Why does the divorce rate is so high?

 

You need to contemplate your own root more. You have to look at what family you grew up in.

What do you mean by expanding it to all women? You want to commit to multiple women? 

You need to fundamentally understand what having a loving relationships actually means because its not just about unloading your seed with a bunch of women.

Do you understand what Love actually is?

Do you understand what family is? and what its function is? 

Marriage can be about survival, but it's ultimately about forming a committed union with someone. You can read up about this stuff, there is a whole field just about marriage, the emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual value of it.

Edited November 5, 2021 by SgtPepper