SamC

How to avoid getting attached and needy to the girls you approached?

30 posts in this topic

I get so sad and frustrated when the girls I've approached flakes on me. I know it's a part of the game but I just think" fuckk what If I did this instead - now I lost this amazing opportunity and everything is avfull". I get painfull flashbacks when I think about the pretty girl and how I'm " locked away" from her, forever...

How do you trancend this/ deal with this? @Leo Gura


"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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Posted (edited)

Mindfulness meditation is of serious help not to get totally sucked on by some excessive loathing and negative thoughts once a relationship gets busted. And anything that is rising your awareness and helps you change your perspective is the direction you want to go. 

The issue is that "you" are projecting your own sense of lack on "them" . So you need to refocus your energy on yourself as "you" are the origin of the problem.

When I get upset and i'm overtaken by emotions, I try to observe them, feel them, see their root cause and use them as a sort of compass. I know I can't solve my psychology overnight, but I take "notes" and investigate. 

Also, knowing how to move on with your life, to "let go" of someone gracefully is a quality that makes one attractive. To me, keeping this in sight helps. It's almost like nature shows us the way. :) 

Edited by Etherial Cat

Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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43 minutes ago, SamC said:

How do you trancend this/ deal with this?

You suffer until you learn your lesson and move on.

Suffering is the best teacher.

If you are wise you will not get invested in any one girl until you sleep with her. In which case you just talk to other girls and don't even think much about the phone numbers you get.

The rule this: don't invest in her at all until she's interested in sleeping with you. It's crucial that you stop daydreaming and fantasizing about the girls you approach, and even if you get her number. Just don't think about her. Only think about her enough to set up a date. But no more! Don't start imagining that this date will lead to anything.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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Posted (edited)

28 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You suffer until you learn your lesson and move on.

Suffering is the best teacher.

If you are wise you will not get invested in any one girl until you sleep with her. In which case you just talk to other girls and don't even think much about the phone numbers you get.

I'm wise but my dick is not. I just want to fuck her. Imma hungry dog Leo XDXD... we need the how to get laid video:P

Quote

The rule this: don't invest in her at all until she's interested in sleeping with you. It's crucial that you stop daydreaming and fantasizing about the girls you approach, and even if you get her number. Just don't think about her. Only think about her enough to set up a date. But no more! Don't start imagining that this date will lead to anything.

Yeah.. so as soon as I start fantasizing I should just notice the thought and let it go?That's actually a really helpful habit to get into. Thanks Leo.

 

@Leo Gura

 

Edited by SamC

"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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37 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

The issue is that "you" are projecting your own sense of lack on "them" . So you need to refocus your energy on yourself as "you" are the origin of the problem.

Pretty accurate. It's taking responsibility for our negative emotions and thought processes that makes the difference in dealing with them. Usually our first reaction to any situation is "this thing/person makes me feel this or that", when really, it's been us making ourselves feel that way.

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41 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Mindfulness meditation is of serious help not to get totally sucked on by some excessive loathing and negative thoughts once a relationship gets busted. And anything that is rising your awareness and helps you change your perspective is the direction you want to go. 

I'm doing that and it helps but it also makes me more stressful cause my ego freaked out sometimes.. Xdxd

Getting flaked + ego backlash is tough. Me not reccomend 

41 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

The issue is that "you" are projecting your own sense of lack on "them" . So you need to refocus your energy on yourself as "you" are the origin of the problem.

Yeah obviously but I don't care about that anymore. My problem is first and foremost that I belive I am lacking.. so the solution is the problem.

41 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Also, knowing how to move on with your life, to "let go" of someone gracefully .is a quality that makes one attractive. To me, keeping this in sight helps. It's almost like nature shows us the way. :) 

Okey cool but how do you actually do that?


"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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5 minutes ago, Peter Miklis said:

Pretty accurate. It's taking responsibility for our negative emotions and thought processes that makes the difference in dealing with them. Usually our first reaction to any situation is "this thing/person makes me feel this or that", when really, it's been us making ourselves feel that way.

Yes, absolutely :) .

This has been my experience so far.

 


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Posted (edited)

1 hour ago, SamC said:

I get so sad and frustrated when the girls I've approached flakes on me. I know it's a part of the game but I just think" fuckk what If I did this instead - now I lost this amazing opportunity and everything is avfull". I get painfull flashbacks when I think about the pretty girl and how I'm " locked away" from her, forever...

How do you trancend this/ deal with this? @Leo Gura

@SamC  Reframe it.

Instead of trying to get her, you will find out compatibility

If she flaked you, you didn't do anything wrong. Neither did she. You are just incompatible.

Incompatible at this moment in time. A later moment in time, may work. And you may get another shot to find out whether you are compatible now.

But at this moment, this was the approach you would typically come up with at this stage in your development, and depending on where she is in her development, she's able to appreciate it, or not. And others will.

You did not fuck it up because it could not have been any other way.

I call it retroactive determinism. My secret tool against regret, here it is.

You found out.

 

 

Edited by flowboy

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

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Posted (edited)

2 hours ago, SamC said:

I'm doing that and it helps but it also makes me more stressful cause my ego freaked out sometimes.. Xdxd

Getting flaked + ego backlash is tough. Me not reccomend 

It's "training". If it were easy, everyone would be there...

Leo said it all....

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You suffer until you learn your lesson and move on.

 

2 hours ago, SamC said:

Yeah obviously but I don't care about that anymore. My problem is first and foremost that I belive I am lacking.. so the solution is the problem.

I don't mean to scare you but.. this will be your problem until the ego is transcended. And in maaaaaaany life areas. :D

Shifting from a survival oriented perspective to an abundance based perspective is a big chunk of Consciousness work.

2 hours ago, SamC said:

Okey cool but how do you actually do that?

By accepting the situation.

You're pretty much pushed into the water pool to swim and reach the other side. There is nothing good in this water for you except for the challenge itself.

Kicking, screaming, complaining or asking us for help on the forum will not change anything , unfortunately. You just got to accept that you won't get "laid" by this girl in this circumstances now. She's exerting her free will, and you're left behind. You've got to accept that this is what is, surrender and let go of her. Anything else will be a waste of your energy. 

Everyone has been suffering hell because au being attracted to another being (in fact many other beings) and facing some limitations at some point. The suffering is just part of the dance. It is necessary to gain experience. You can't shelter yourself from it.

And it is what makes you good at "relationships" eventually. See yourself as a Pokemon gaining XP points. ;)

Edited by Etherial Cat

Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Posted (edited)

3 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

It's "training". If it were easy, everyone would be there...

Leo said it all....

 

I don't mean to scare you but.. this will be your problem until the ego is transcended. And in maaaaaaany life areas. :D

Shifting from a survival oriented perspective to an abundance based perspective is a big chunk of Consciousness work.

By accepting the situation.

You're pretty much pushed into the water pool to swim and reach the other side. There is nothing good in this water for you except for the challenge itself.

Kicking, screaming, complaining or asking us for help on the forum will not change anything , unfortunately. You just got to accept that you won't get "laid" by this girl in this circumstances now. She's exerting her free will, and you're left behind. You've got to accept that this is what is, surrender and let go of her. Anything else will be a waste of your energy. 

Everyone has been suffering hell because au being attracted to another being (in fact many other beings) and facing some limitations at some point. The suffering is just part of the dance. It is necessary to gain experience. You can't shelter yourself from it.

And it is what makes you good at "relationships" eventually. See yourself as a Pokemon gaining XP points. ;)

I´ll be honest, this makes me feel alone and misunderstood because it feels like that it in itself is proof of what I am afraid of, that I am unlovable. It´s not about her, it´s about the symbolism behind it - which is why I can´t let her go.

I can say, " okay I am going to accept this" but that in itself is mental torture because I just fucking can´t. Maybe I need to accept that I can´t accept this situation and accept that it´s fucking awful and that I feel really fucking sad, angry, and frustrated + fucking learn to feel it.

I think I need to complain, suffer and do everything I feel like consciously, and the same thing goes for when I get triggered.  Many times I feel angry/ misunderstood when people tell me that I should just let go and not think about it / not feel something but that´s because I say the same thing to myself. JUST LET IT GO BRO... but I just can´t - probably because t´s not about letting this go, it´s about letting go of the need for my experience to be any other way. Maybe that´s what you ultimately meant. Thoughts?

@Etherial Cat

Edited by SamC

"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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4 hours ago, Preety_India said:

There are so many pretty ladies. :P

 

@Preety_India Can´t you create one with your witchcraft and send it to Sweden? Í´ll PM my address :P


"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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1 minute ago, SamC said:

@Preety_India Can´t you create one with your witchcraft and send it to Sweden? Í´ll PM my address :P

Why do I need to create one ?  There are already too many in Sweden. I'm surprised you don't find them..

 


 INTP loner... .shy girl.. 

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3 hours ago, flowboy said:

@SamC  Reframe it.

Instead of trying to get her, you will find out compatibility

If she flaked you, you didn't do anything wrong. Neither did she. You are just incompatible.

Incompatible at this moment in time. A later moment in time, may work. And you may get another shot to find out whether you are compatible now.

But at this moment, this was the approach you would typically come up with at this stage in your development, and depending on where she is in her development, she's able to appreciate it, or not. And others will.

You did not fuck it up because it could not have been any other way.

I call it retroactive determinism. My secret tool against regret, here it is.

You found out.

 

 

I like that a lot. Thanks, man XDXD

 

 


"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

Why do I need to create one ?  There are already too many in Sweden. I'm surprised you don't find them..

 

I want one with 8 boobs. I am quite picky. Maybe that´s why XDXDXD


"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You suffer until you learn your lesson and move on.

Suffering is the best teacher.

If you are wise you will not get invested in any one girl until you sleep with her. In which case you just talk to other girls and don't even think much about the phone numbers you get.

The rule this: don't invest in her at all until she's interested in sleeping with you. It's crucial that you stop daydreaming and fantasizing about the girls you approach, and even if you get her number. Just don't think about her. Only think about her enough to set up a date. But no more! Don't start imagining that this date will lead to anything.

When will your pickup program come out? 


My journal on self-actualization, relationships and dating:

Pickup Express Journal

 

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33 minutes ago, SamC said:

I´ll be honest, this makes me feel alone and misunderstood because it feels like that it in itself is proof of what I am afraid of, that I am unlovable. It´s not about her, it´s about the symbolism behind it - which is why I can´t let her go.

I can say, " okay I am going to accept this" but that in itself is mental torture because I just fucking can´t. Maybe I need to accept that I can´t accept this situation and accept that it´s fucking awful and that I feel really fucking sad, angry, and frustrated + fucking learn to feel it.

I think I need to complain, suffer and do everything I feel like consciously, and the same thing goes for when I get triggered.  Many times I feel angry/ misunderstood when people tell me that I should just let go and not think about it / not feel something but that´s because I say the same thing to myself. JUST LET IT GO BRO... but I just can´t - probably because t´s not about letting this go, it´s about letting go of the need for my experience to be any other way. Maybe that´s what you ultimately meant. Thoughts?

@Etherial Cat

What you are after is not her. You are looking for your own ability to love yourself....

Her rejection is painful because you've delegated her the power to judge of your own worth. But YOU did that.

She's a proxy in your mind and you want her love so you can love yourself back. But the trick is... you don't need her for that.

The real problem is that you don't manage to directly love yourself.

Hope this helps?


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Posted (edited)

8 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

What you are after is not her. You are looking for your own ability to love yourself....

Her rejection is painful because you've delegated her the power to judge of your own worth. But YOU did that.

She's a proxy in your mind and you want her love so you can love yourself back. But the trick is... you don't need her for that.

The real problem is that you don't manage to directly love yourself.

Hope this helps?

 

Pickup is like doing psychedelics. One transcends itself by speaking to others. We get to learn some lessons and afterwards it is important to integrate the lessons. 

Edited by StarStruck

My journal on self-actualization, relationships and dating:

Pickup Express Journal

 

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